View Episode 081
Originally aired 09.08.07
1:01:10
37:13 – UYD: For men and children
37:40 – UYD: A lifestyle brand
32:42 – Seth has been watching The Pickup Artist, and has learned to negate the lady by giving offhanded negative comments to keep the lady on guard. The joy of the show is watching dudes go in and try to pull girls. Last week Mystery was in a lace-up poncho, a top hat, ski goggles and full makeup, telling these guys how to hit on girls with Matador and J-Dog. One of the dudes goes up to girls with the opener, “This is a really important question I have to ask you – do you floss before or after you brush?” The first girl he gets to bite on this and at least give him an answer, he goes “Are you familiar with Myspace?” … On her first day on The View, Whoopi Goldberg defended Michael Vick.
38:07 – Seth had a doozy last night on MSNBC when he watched unseen footage of a jailhouse interview with Charles Manson 20 years ago in 1987.
45:47 – Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO, Sunday night; first two episodes of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Thursday, Sept. 13, F/X.
0:24 – Jonathan is drinking limited edition Mountain Dew GameFuel to commemorate pending release of Halo 3
7:35 – Missed Connections. Jonathan explains the “bitch-out” phenomena after running into someone special: “Hey, you at the Chevron. You were coming out of the Snack Shack. We fumbled at the door together. We laughed. Was that all it was?” Seth sees a common phrase: “Hey – are you reading this? … Anybody know the hottie that works at the Ralph’s on Sunset? I was freeballing there three times this week. Sometimes he seemed interested; other times shy. (10:26) … OMG, you’re so hot. I saw you and I almost spilled my soup. Whole Foods. 3rd and Fairfax. Tried to follow you out but that ass moved quick. Are you interested? (11:03)
31:21 – Butt facials
16:33 – In Dallas/Fort Worth, Marlboro is testing its new product, Snus, which is a slide pack, or mini flavor strip of tobacco – it comes in Rich, Mild, Mint and Spice.
51:51 – Gorilla Zoe – “Hood Figga”
54:04 – Blake Shelton – “The More I Drink”
6:03 – Seth’s roommates moved out this week. Jah and Seth discuss past stories about said neighbors. There used to be a van about 8 feet from the studio, and they cooked hot dogs and had wild bush vomiting into Seth’s bushes (Episode 079). There was some bathing and foot pumicing going on. Last week there was a note on the notice board – someone in the building next to Seth said “make this stop.” Seth was like, “What do you care? They’re my roommates.”
21:58 – Jonathan’s survival camp story about trying to get a dip can circle worn into his jeans pocket. At the camp, they could only take 2 showers a month. The shower was a furnace that heated water, then the hose went into a bucket with holes poked in it. A girl whom Jah had a huge crush on ran up to him in only a towel and said she couldn’t get the furnace to light. Being a survival aficionado he said he would do it. He tried to light it and it blew out. The girl had turned the gas on and left it running for like 10 minutes. Jah lit it and the entire tent was engulfed in flames. All he could see around him was fire. Jah lost two inches of his hair and both eyebrows and eyelashes in the explosion.
19:58 – 21st Burning Man concludes in Nevada – dude hanging from noose in two-story tent, everyone thinks it’s avant garde art.
28:47 – Umbilicoplasty is a new cosmetic procedure that turns an outie into an innie. Jah: “What if you have an innie and you want an outie?” Seth: “You don’t… because why… would you want to puke?” Jah laughs hysterically
30:34 – Butt facials – range between $800-1,000, depending on the size of the butt. Created to tighten, lift, tone, cleanse and detox. Microderm abrasion procedure that focuses on cellulite, acne, wrinkles and veins for a perfect ass
42:31 – School district police officer in Houston produces “Ghetto Handbook” pamphlet
19:08 – University of Pittsburgh reports that 10% of fourth graders have already had their first alcoholic beverage
32:44 – Seth gives a rundown of The Pickup Artist on VH1. One guy keeps using same line: Do you floss before or after you brush? One girl finally talks to him and he asks the worst question ever: Are you familiar with Myspace?
44:06 – Seth wonders if it’s cool to pour peanuts in your Sunkist like he saw an old college football coach do on TV
48:48 – Seth reads some more Parade magazine’s “What Ifs?” from Marilyn vos Savant (Episode 063, 42:17). I wrote, “The Beatles began singing as a pop band in Liverpool, but what if they had started out as singing gondoliers instead?” Here are some of your answers. Conrad Neiman of Sumter, S.C.: “With all of their fans, Venice would have sunk by 1970.” … Marsha Fitzpatrick of Blythesville, Ark.: “An early hit of theirs would have been I Saw Her Floating There.” … Susie Hale of Bedford, Texas: “Beatles? No, they would have called themselves The Waterbugs.” Another one from vos Savant: I wrote, Larry King interviews the famous as well as the notorious, but what if he was a high school guidance counselor instead? Here are some of your answers. Kathy Burnwhite: “Well some of his ex-wives would have been a lot younger.” … Joanie Halpin of Allen, Texas: “You couldn’t tell him your problem without being interrupted.” … Anne Espramer of Marquette, Mich.: “Instead of making suggestions, all he’d say is, ‘So where do you go from here?’” … Last but not least, people send in questions to Parade.com and get answer. Question: “Last year, months in advance, you correctly predicted that Helen Mirren and Forest Whitaker would win Oscars. Who are your picks this year?” Answer: “Well, no actress has emerged as a slam-dunk, but we’re ready to predict that John Travolta will win as Best Actor for his portrayal of Edna Turnblad in Hairspray.”
26:23 – Seth watching GMA, gets pissed that they’re reporting on old news that he has already covered on UYD: “They’re called freegans.” … “It’s called popcorn lung.” Seth: “Hey GMA you done fell off.”
34:37 and 44:44 – Jonathan reems Whoopi Goldberg for defending Vick on first day of The View: “It’s in their culture down there? It’s like saying incest is part of their culture!”
43:18 – Jah tells people they can stop intentionally making fun of 50 Cent’s name like they’re so out of it. Quit calling him half dollar and 25 Cent, please. Thanks.
50:26 – Seth goes off on Parade magazine for predicting that John Travolta would win as Best Actor for his portrayal of Edna Turnblad in Hairspray: “What the fuck are you talking about?!!! Well, I’d probably have to go with Johnny Travolta in Hairspray. You get it!”
51:36 – Seth rips dudes who point at another dude and go, “Ahhh, this guy!”
45:00 – Jah assumes Seth is impersonating a black person; Seth confirms he has African American mannerisms because of his black grandson Jeff