View Episode 113
Originally aired 04.19.08
1:04:30
52:18 – UYD: Piss cake mouth
47:09 – Seth watched Miss Rap Supreme on VH1, where they’re looking for a female MC. Like every reality show, Seth picks the contestant from Boston and backs them blindly. There’s a girl named DAB, a former heroin addict and Masshole, who he’s behind. There’s another contestant named Chiba, 28, from Neptune N.J., who has hair covering her left eye, not unlike Left Eye from TLC. … There’s only one show for Jah, Rock the Cradle, but Seth wouldn’t let him watch it before they recorded the episode tonight.
38:56 – Seth says that if UYD meets Gertrude Baines they can meet the Pope. Jah thinks the Pope would hate Seth as much as Gertrude Baines hated Jah. Jah then recreates Seth’s high-pitched “God bless you!” voice that Seth kept using during the visit to the convalescent home. Seth admits it, but says it worked. He had a staff of middle-aged nurses loving him. Jah says Seth worked in between 15-25 “God bless yous”
Games That Jonathan and Seth Play
21:51 – Jah: “What would you rather see? New Kids on the Today show or Coachella?” Seth: “Are you kidding me? Joey McIntyre or Amir?”
33:53 – Jonathan has to impersonate Bobby Clampett at the Masters using the word “Chinaman” in his broadcast: Thank you for joining us, we’re back today. We’re on the 9th hole on the putting green. The Chinaman is 2-under par at the moment. It’s been a pretty good day for him so far. You know, I was thinking, What’s it like for a Chinaman to be standing around here with a lot of non-Chinamen.
57:34 – Seth gives Jah some of the top 10 singles in the U.S. from 1988, and Jah proceeds to sing six of them: Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams;” INXS’s “Devil Inside;” Whitney Houston’s “Where Do Broken Hearts Go;” Michael Jackson’s “Man In The Mirror;” Terence Trent D’Arby’s “Wishing Well;” and Aerosmith’s “Angel.” 1988 would’ve been Seth’s frosh year of high school, and Jonathan was 11 at the time (no pubes, not yet driving)
33:22 – CBS announcer Bobby Clampett during Masters, refers to golfer Liang Wen-Chong as “the Chinaman.”
45:50 – Seth tells everyone to have an awesome time on 4-20 and to think about Seth crying while they’re doing it. “I’m cool, it’s just 6 years without a drink, a pill, anything. I’ll just have a salad.”
42:32 – Jonathan is considering getting a tattoo written in cursive up his forearm that says, AND THE WHITE MAN CALLS HER FLUTE PLAYING “WIND.” If he gets that one, Seth will get an identical-looking one that says HER HUNTING AND TRACKING SKILLS WERE SUPERB. (both phrases from Jah’s poem read in Episode 016 and Episode 100 - Part II)
3:09 – Jonathan experienced an earthquake when he was younger. In the aftermath, he, his brother and dad were stark naked, standing in the backyard. At the same moment they, without speaking, turned their backs and started to pee in their respective bushes. Jah’s mom was like “you have to be kidding me” and they all looked at each other and started laughing because they were alive. Jonathan was out of his mind high, and claims he knew the earthquake was happening before it happened because he’s “jah-lapethic.”
10:30 – Seth was standing at his Blockbuster at 10 a.m. on Tuesday wondering why they didn’t have Season 2 of Joey, but they inform him that it’s been pushed 2 weeks to April 29. He then references the Blockbuster story from Episode 108, 13:09, and how the women working there don’t like him. He then references the Leaf story from Episode 015, 20:09, saying he’s due to start using his notebook and writing things instead of speaking them because it usually stems from a “specific incident at a specific place where I’ll just cut off communiqué,” which he does at Leaf on Ventura.
17:50 – Jonathan picked up the phone to talk to his mother the other day, and she goes, “Honeydew melon, huh?” Jah was humiliated. Seth says his mother was putting up wallpaper very professionally while listening to UYD, and after hearing Jah talking about his fruit-fucking story she had to get down from the ladder and brace herself because she really adores Jonathan.
18:31 – Jonathan talks about the proper way to eat a mango, which he learned from his homeboys in Hawaii who gave him laced weed that quasi-paralyzed him (Stacy and Susan story – Episode 043, 3:10)
31:24 – The first prom Jah went to was when he was 13 years old. He went to several, and by the time it came time for his prom his hippie high school didn’t even have one. He admits that he got laid a few times
32:30 – For the third time, some person has fallen asleep and slammed into Seth’s dad’s parked car and totaled it. When his dad told Seth he had a cream-colored PT Cruiser Seth had a panic attack
36:35 – The other day, by the time Jah got home he had driven 90 miles, never having left LA County
46:42 – Seth was like Benicio del Toro at the end of Traffic – he used to drink at little league games
55:31 – Jah shifts to a more somber mood and admits that he hasn’t been completely honest with listeners over the last few weeks. He is currently separated from his wife Justine. “This show, for me personally, has taken on more and more meaning. The people that listen and the people that love it… it’s one of the best things I’ve maintained doing for a long time. I need to thank the listeners and I need to thank Seth for being a part of my life.”
2:49 – Scientists say southern California has a 97% chance of being hit by a catastrophic earthquake in the next 30 years
4:27 – Alarming new trend in teen dating – kids texting each other nude pictures via mobile phone for dating
9:28 – Alicia Keyes to Blender magazine: “The East Coast-West Coast beef between Tupac and Notorious B.I.G. was fueled by the government and the media to stop another great black leader from succeeding.”
11:55 – Hallmark will release a new line of recordable greeting cards that allows the listener to record a 10-second message on the card. Along with the message will be followed by a choice of the following songs: “Whoomp! There It Is” by Tag Team; “Shining Star” by Earth, Wind & Fire; “Unbelievable” by EMF; or “Bang The Drum All Day” by Todd Rundgren. You get 220 plays for $6. Seth says his mom would run the battery dead
22:12 – Alarming trend at U.S. airports – homeless dudes pretending to be flying, sleeping on chairs and using restrooms. With the spate in cancellations officials are having a tough time differentiating between real travelers and fake ones
24:42 – Boston’s T transit system starts a “Grope Patrol,” to deal with nonstop complaints from female riders of men exposing themselves and rubbing up against them, also known as “fraterism.” New billboard campaign features woman sandwiched between two men: RUB UP AGAINST ME AND I’LL EXPOSE YOU. Another one with a security camera: FLASH SOMEONE AND YOU’LL BE EXPOSED.
45:03 – Effective January 2009, you will not be able to smoke in a car in L.A. with a minor present in the vehicle
50:57 – Seth found a video online of some drunk Cubs fan standing up in the urinal trough, running down it and sliding on it while being cheered on by other drunk fans.
1:17 – Seth tells listener Tim in England that he and his wife have permission to name their son Seth. Seth tells the listener who wants more pictures of Seth to paint his eyes that that is cool too
6:16 – Jah gives an official shoutout to the working man. He says there has been an inordinate amount of men calling the UYD voicemail who have jobs that they don’t enjoy and don’t take a phenomenal amount of brainpower. Jah thinks it’s fresh that UYD helps pass their time at work more smoothly
8:25 – Seth wishes Amir the best of luck as he will play Coachella this weekend. Jah is resentful because he won’t be joining him
35:48 – Seth wonders if it’s possible to steal somebody’s gas tank. Jah says yes but it would be a lot of work. He asks because the gas prices are killing him. He can’t imagine what it would be like if he still had his Chevy Cheyenne pickup with a double tank
38:25 – Jah hasn’t been hiking for almost a month. When he was doing it regularly he looked like Elizabeth Berkeley; now he looks like Delta Burke.
40:59 – Jah is thinking about getting another tattoo: his birthday across his knuckles, 8-7-77. He says it’s the first one he would get where everyone would see it all the time. He has 3 tattoos, all of large scale that took a long time to design by tattoo artist Jill Jordan.
42:56 – Seth got a call from a listener who informs him that in Episode 031 at the 18:43 mark, Jah lights up a cigarette for the first time on the show and says he won’t make a habit of it, yet he’s smoked every episode since. Jah laughs. Seth acknowledges that he encouraged Jah to keep doing it.
44:05 – Seth asks Jah if he’s going to be with him when he’s celebrating 6 years of sobriety. Jah says no because it’s 4-20 and he has places to be.
45:45 – Seth thinks everyone should do everything they want all the time, then goes on another rant about his sobriety misery.
1:02:35 – Seth says there’s never been more correspondence than there was this week, including Seth’s home phone, the UYD voicemail, Jah’s cell phone, Jah’s e-mail and a GRIP of UYD downloads. Jah says that if he’s not getting back to people it’s because there’s been an enormous amount of calls and texts coming in and he wants them to keep on coming
7:28 – Seth wonders what his 9-year-old brother is going to have that Seth isn’t going to have. Jah says everything, and just like them will take it all for granted and complain about how the blow job robot (beejbot) isn’t good enough. Seth predicts that he’ll be in a field somewhere around a keg, and will run from the cops. Jah predicts that he will see a band, come home and cry and it will have changed his life
36:14 – Jah predicts gas will be $5 a gallon by the end of the summer
53:23 – Seth ponders if he lives beyond 2 years, what’s the chance he will start drinking? Jah says he won’t as long as he cares about the podcast
21:33 – New Kids on the Block, May 16, Today Show. Seth: “Oh, all five of you? Danny too? Oh cool. No big whoop.”
14:53 – Seth dips back in to Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes. They let him loose in Manhattan at a produce stand and he rubs his grubby paws all over the fruit. “Papaya? Is that for breakfast or lunch?” “I don’t want a pack of 6 or 8 bananas! I just want one or two!” “Blueberries? When I was young them called them huckleberries!” “Strawberries?? They’re all from California! If you’re from New York, they should all be from New York or New Jersey!” “I hate these stickers!!” Jonathan: “You’ve mentioned three fruits in this list that I’ve fucked.”