View Episode 186
Originally aired 10.05.09
1:09:19
11:16 – American post offices: It’s Waterworld
34:53 – UYD: Roofie the plantains
3:54 – James Franco is going to join the cast of General Hospital.
1:03:37 – Seth thanks God that The Hills is back Tuesday nights at 10 p.m. on MTV. He’s ready for the new episode with Kristen Cavallari called “It’s On Bitch.”
35:07 – LRAD Hubbard created the Long Range Acoustic Device
5:53 – Starbucks has unveiled Via, their instant coffee available in Bold and Medium. 3 servings for $2.95, 12 for $9.95. Instant coffee still accounts for over 40% of all the cups of coffee made globally.
What Seth Learned on the Monsterweb
22:20 – Seth saw a video on TMZ of a play on Broadway starring Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman. They’re playing present-day Chicago beat cops. Seth gives Daniel Craig a pass but can’t resist hammering Jackman. On the video on TMZ, somebody’s cell phone goes off in the play and Jackman stays in character, saying “Answer the phone! Just answer it!” One of Jackman’s lines is “Hey, you gotta problem wit the bottle, and I gotta problem wit my mouth!” Seth thinks Jonathan would come off more believable as a Chicago cop than Hugh Jackman. Jah is disappointed in Daniel Craig because he thought when he was first coming up that he would be the best thing ever, but he’s not thrilled with the way he’s carried himself since the start of the new Bond movies. Jah declares Jackman a fruit.
9:09 – Jah has been spending quite a bit of time in his local post office because he has been sending out some promos for Jogger’s new record, which are going out to various press people, college radio stations, etc. Jah says there seems to be a zen master working in every single post office in America, but the problem is that you have to figure out who that person is, focus on them, and then as soon as they get involved everything is solved within 37 seconds. In Jah’s particular post office, it’s a big, chubby, super-fresh, super-patient Haitian woman with dredlocks who somehow laughs off everything. Jah says there was a man there who was covered in so much of his own urine, as well as foreigners with crazy documents with no pictures on them, screaming that they need their checks. He describes it as Waterworld combined with Jumanji.
13:42 – Seth’s mother went to the mall in New Hampshire so she could go to the Apple Store to get an iPod so she could listen to UYD on her iPod. Seth told her to avoid talking to old dudes and just find a young kid and talk about iTunes, lock it in and get it. The salesperson gives her the wrong one, she doesn’t find out until she gets home, and has to return it. In explaining the show to him, the salesperson goes to the website, presses on one of the videos and Seth’s mom hears from across the room, “I want to fuck my father,” and has to run back over the dude and try to explain it all to him while he’s staring in abject terror. Seth takes this opportunity to apologize to his mother.
26:48 – Somebody told Jah recently about a film that was created in the 1970s when auras were really big. The film could supposedly film your aura and energies around you, and they filmed a childbirth. As it came out and took its first breath, the color of the aura originated around the head. Seth’s response: “No it didn’t. But go on.”
36:00 – Something happened to Jonathan at a museum once, where there was an unframed exposed image set on the wall 6 inches away from where you view it. Jah leaned his head into it and passed the threshold of what was secure, and a laser shot with a super-high pitched frequency happened that freaked out his equilibrium. It was the most disorienting thing ever and he thought he might be having a stroke. The other time, he was reaching into a gated-off vending machine and by breaking that threshold the same kind of device went off. Seth claims that the new thing they’re developing is a heat that is so hot once you step into it that it burns you. A guy even with a mattress in front of him had to jump back because it was burning him.
44:00 – Jonathan had some Munchies the other day. It’s basically a chip party mix of Sun Chips, Doritos, Rold Gold, etc. They also make a flaming hot version. He only ate one bag of them, but the way he felt afterward made him feel like he had eaten an entire bag of each. They cloak all of them in a flavor spray they put over all the Munchies.
45:55 – Seth got a message at the house and he thought for a split second that he had his retrosexual (Episode 087, 38:55; Episode 184, 2:47). A former flame of his, Stacy Stewart, left him a message while walking on the treadmill, coincidentally not long after Seth heard about the Class of 1991 Facebook Pub Crawl this past weekend spearheaded by Mike Bevalaqua. Stacy says she ran into Seth’s father in Salisbury Beach. She said, “I think about you all the time. When I think about you I think about that date where you took me to Papa Geno’s. I also think about how we used to kiss behind the bookcase in Mr. Sullivan’s class. Drop me an e-mail. So amazing, I married a great guy, we had a few kids…” At this point Seth fully loses his boner and deletes the message. As Seth is relaying the story to his mother, his mother tells him that was his first girlfriend. Seth’s mom remembered the night that Seth took Stacy to Papa Geno’s, because Seth’s dad saw his bike parked by the restaurant. She said, As a matter of fact, Seth’s mom thinks she sent Seth’s dad back up to Papa Geno’s to take a picture because Stacy’s bike was parked next to Seth’s bike. Seth wants so badly to have that photograph when he makes his upcoming journey to Brooklyn.
54:05 – Seth was at the Getty Center yesterday in Brentwood. There were a bunch of school kids there on a field trip getting rowdy. He hears a gasp, and he turns around and sees a school teacher in her civilians take a full backwards fall into one of the water fountains. Seth could hardly explain the sheer joy and exuberance of all of the boys when they saw her land in the drink with a nice camera and pocketbook. They were holding each other and jumping up and down, and Seth wanted to get in with him. The girls were concerned, but not the boys. Seth looks at an entire exhibit up the stairs, comes back and they still have all of her stuff laid out to dry.
4:24 – Captain Sully was back in the cockpit for the first time since his Jan. 15 Miracle on the Hudson. It was the same flight, but this time it was from Charlotte to New York. He arrived 7 minutes earlier. Passengers, at least 2 who were on the original flight, erupted in cheering when they heard the announcement, “This is your captain, Chesley Sullenberger.”
8:03 – October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Jah brings up the Breast Cancer Awareness Stamps, which claim to “stamp out cancer,” as opposed to Yoplait’s unfortunate slogan, “Together we can lick breast cancer.” (Episode 003, 57:09; Episode 085, 33:45; and Episode 157, 57:22).
15:55 – The Sex Degrees of Separation – when you’ve fucked someone, you’ve fucked everybody that they’ve fucked. You’re sleeping with their previous partners and the previous partners’ previous partners as well. If you were to take 6 generations of partners, you have slept with, on average, somewhere in the region of 2.8 million people, and a shitload of those were dudes.
26:03 – When is a person a person? Abortion foes, led by Colorado-based pro-life group called Personhood USA, have revived efforts to make life begin at the point of conception. Critics call it the “Egg-as-Person Movement.”
28:03 – Timothy Daniel Dolezal, 57, of Penndel, Penn., was arrested after police discovered he was sharing images of child pornography on various file sharing pedophile sites. Authorities went to his home with a search warrant when they calculated that he had over 1,000 dowloaded images and files. However when police arrived at his house he was also feverishly striking his computer with a metal bar.
30:12 – The Simmons Company, the maker of Seth’s Simmons BeautyRest California King mattress (Episode 120, 48:06)—the love of his life—have filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. The mattress allows Seth to replenish and restore. Jah declares that he’s going to buy a new mattress once he gets some money.
31:14 – Seth reads a clipping from the Los Angeles Times that he warns us is pretty crazy: “Former reality TV show contestant Brian Randone, 45, pleaded not guilty Tuesday to charges of torturing and killing his girlfriend, 31-year-old Felicia Tang Lee. Prosecutors allege that Randone, a Christian minister and contestant on the 2000 FOX television show, Sexiest Bachelor in America, tortured and suffocated Lee in the home they shared in the 500 block of W. Duarte Road in Monrovia. Lee was pronounced dead Sept. 11 after Randone called police to report that she was not breathing. Lee, a model and actress who has appeared in adult films, met Randone at a pool at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas six months ago.”
34:57 – Pittsburgh police unveiled a new weapon at the G20 protests. It’s called the LRAD, in essence a sound cannon that emits a fast, high-pitched alarm similar to a car alarm, but over 150 decibels. It mimics a gunshot next to your ear. It is the first time it’s been used in the United States to handle American citizens.
39:12 – Seth read an article about an apartment complex, the Villa Valentino, up by the Hollywood Bowl. Back in December of 2008 on a Friday night, the new owner calls everybody down to the courtyard and tells everyone about a gas leak. He says there’s moving fans coming in to take care of them. Finally somebody gets an official on the phone, and they claim they have no idea what they’re talking about. The owner had sold the apartments to some place that wanted to turn it into a boutique/hotel, so she made up the story so there would be voluntary evictions and once their shit was out, they were out. Seth compares it to the gas leak in Seth’s apartment in Episode 089, 23:16, except that one was real.
41:49 – Scientists have confirmed that the premier flu-fighting drug Tamiflu (Episode 105, 15:07), is contaminating rivers downstream from sewage treatment facilities. The source is urinary excretion by people taking the powerful medicine. Concerns are building that birds, who are natural influenza carriers, are being exposed to a waterborne Tamiflu residue, and then might develop and then spread potent, new drug-resistant strains of a higher power.
1:01:06 – Tufts University in Massachusetts has enacted a new policy in their campus dorm rooms banning any sexual activity while a roommate is in the same room.
0:33 – Seth says “TGIF” because UYD is uncharacteristically recording the show on a Friday instead of a Thursday
0:41 – Seth asks Jonathan to let the listeners know that it’s “Rocktober” in his shock jock voice.
1:20 – UYD is bringing some serious Cali heat in October to a place called Brooklyn. Seth doesn’t mind if it’s cold out there, he just doesn’t want it to rain on his hair. That’s why he lives in the desert.
2:01 – This episode is being brought to you by AdamandEve.com.
3:23 – In regards to the live show in NYC, Jah says the RSVP list is officially closed.
19:05 – Jah recalls the 1993 movie Six Degrees of Separation with a fresh version of Will Smith
19:41 – Speaking of Will Smith, Jah was thinking about something: What if he was exactly who he is, but he was a big, big black dude? Seth thinks Jah would be the president of something. He thinks he would be rowdier since he would be huge and black. Seth wonders what the equivalent would be for himself, and Jah said it would be if Seth was a woman named Beth.
33:40 – Seth wonders if he mentioned not to fuck Brazilian dudes. Jah says Brazilian girls are also included in that because they all used to be dudes. Seth has heard from 15 different girls who hooked up with Brazilian dudes, end up with a child and the dude is back in Rio three months later. Jah says they bone down like crazy because they’re wicked good at it.
39:02 – Jah says he has an LRAD right here in his pants, his own little sound cannon
1:05:17 – Jah does an impersonation of rewinding through an episode of UYD, and it’s awesome.
1:09:12 – Jah recalls his cyberskin esophagus that he bought and that his maid discovered (Episode 088, 19:26)
56:46 – According to Psychology Today, there were 50 books written in the year 2000 on the subject of happiness. In the year 2008, book stores carry 4,000 new books on the subject.
7:10 – Seth rips on Woody Allen for signing Roman Polanski’s petition to get him out of jail. Allen’s endorsement isn’t working too well since he fucked his daughter.
13:23 – Seth rips on The Lamplighter from The Haverhill Gazette for failing to back him for the last 14 years he’s been in Hollywood until just now.
52:06 – Jah kicks Jeremy Piven out of his proverbial car
11:21 – Seth describes his new segment as “a new Andy Rooney.”
11:21 – Seth announces this new segment, where he reads from “The Lamp Post” by “The Lamplighter” in his hometown paper of The Haverhill Gazette: Nice to see the faded crosswalks on Winter Street have been painted over and are no longer invisible. … A view of last Sunday’s Patriots game saw quarterbacks named Brady and Ryan. It was like the old days at St. James High. … The Lamplighter wonders why mail delivery personnel are allowed to talk on cell phones while walking their routes. Seen a few recently. Seems as though it would be quite the distraction. … Motorists are praising the new blue street signs in Groveland. And be sure to check out the colorful foliage that has arrived. … Have you heard about the entertainment career of Seth Romatelli from Haverhill? He regularly tapes a podcast show with Jonathan Larroquette, son of the famous actor with the same family name. Seth had a bit part in a Britney Speers movie, Crossroads. He has also done work in commercials. Sounds like a start. Seth: “Like a start or like a finish? Because we’re really, like, landing this thing right in the Hudson.”