View Episode 188
Originally aired 10.21.09
Performed live 10.17.09
52:57
9:51 – UYD: No more sex bunkers
21:04 – UYD: Placebo
48:04 – UYD: Stolen valor
21:48 – Since Halloween is just around the corner, Seth reads off all the ghoulish TV shows out there: Destination Truth, MonsterQuest, Most Haunted, Paranormal State, Extreme Paranormal, UFO Hunters, Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures, Ghost Lab, Celebrity Ghost Stories.
43:52 – Seth was watching CBS News Sunday Morning at 6 a.m. They had a thing where a sociologist had a piece of fancy chocolate and a Hershey Kiss. He said the fancy chocolate was 15 cents and the Hershey Kiss was a penny. He then took a penny off the price of each, making the fancy chocolate 14 cents and the Hershey Kiss free, and everyone took the Hershey Kiss. Jah explains that this is because people love free shit – even though most free shit sucks, except for free beer and freeform jazz comedy.
6:01 – Police in Ocala, Fla., arrested 41-year-old Venus Lewis after she got drunk at a youth football game and chased 2 underage boys around threatening to fuck them. She took off her pants at a picnic table in front of two other boys and inserted a tampon in her vagina. When other boys ran over to see what was going on, she tried to grab one of their dicks and was then arrested.
2:46 – Seth receives applause when he says he’s going to dip into the New York edition of Craig’s List: So chilly. Breaking up with college sweetheart. Six years. Straight jock looking to hang. Just men being men. Dedicated cockstrokers hit me up. Chill and watch the jizz fly. Multiple salt loads a must. … So cold outside. Got the heat on in here. Your girlfriend’s a liar. Gymrat frat boy looking for a sorority bitch. Be a man. Are there any straight guys left who know how to chill the right way. Judge this dick. … If you’re reading this you gots to be a man and you deserve a nasty butt slut. My wife – no oral, no fun. Hunt this bear. Looking for straight dudes to just hang. Manicured pubes a must. Massive explosions guaranteed. Bring a bud and spitroast me.
22:59 – Taco Bell is testing some new products at 2 of their Southern California locations: Red velvet cupcakes and Wendy’s style shakes
10:03 – Fred Durst is part of the Twitter movement, as is Jonathan’s father. Durst currently has 1.3 million people following him on Twitter: “I have to be forever true to my heart no matter what.” … “I had the best evening hanging out with Tom Arnold. He’s one of the most brillians humans I’ve ever met.” … “Now that I’m single I’m noticing how many scandalous women are all out on the prowl out here in Hollyweird. It’s scary, all these cougars and desperados.”
Games That Jonathan and Seth Play
22:32 – Seth wants to know if there are ghosts. Jah says yes, no question about it.
25:30 – One is a weed sold in West Hollywood, one is a horse running in the Belmont in New York this weekend and one is from Seth’s mind’s eye: 1) Orange Moon (weed); Grape Nuts (fake), Lemon Punch (horse); 2) Papa Jerry (horse), Long Tall Sally (fake), King Louis (weed); 3) Galaxy (fake), Mind Bender (horse), Early Girl (weed); 4) Low Tide (fake), Token Special (horse), Morning Glory (weed). Jah only gets #4 correct, because he has smoked Morning Glory.
1:57 – In reference to a coaster that tells you if GHB or K is in your drink, J-dawg says he would gladly take the drink if the ladies passed on it
20:16 – A psychiatrist in South Carolina is doing trials with ecstacy. Banned by the government in 1985, the DEA has supplied him with potent samples of pure ecstacy for trials. He’s giving 12 people ecstacy and 12 people a sugar pill.
29:33 – Jah shows the crowd a sketch he made in his high school sketchbook and talks about how he used to do this segment on the show. He never knew this poem existed and the only reason he stopped doing them was because he didn’t have any more. He burned so many of them at other points in his life before he came to appreciate how awesome they were. Jah was about 16 when he wrote this: An incredible amount of gratitude I owe to this mighty congregation / With no views on the state of the nation, nor do they wish to hear of tribulations / If you dwell in them, a pull like powerful magnets attracting from all sides / Not too much one way or the other / Somewhere amidst the middle is where I’d like to lie / When the hours roll by like slow urban traffic, should I go on antibiotics or homeopathic? / And other such choices that aren’t too vital, yet we ponder them like a pet watching its master masturbate. / Believing in God or luck and fate, random chaos or divine intervention / Apologies for my lack of attention, it’s just diarrhea of the brain / Eyes shut, I blow out the flame. Jah says he has another one that he might have that he’s holding onto for another special event.
50:44 – Jah decides to give the other poem, even though he knows it will be a disaster: Mending a wild bird’s broken wing, then setting it free to fly again. / Dust collects on the shelves in the house of memory / An unexplainable clinging to an old pair of shoes / These are the times I seem to recycle over and over again / Allowing them as if I had control to tumble onto paper with graphite / Lifelong journies for Technicolor vapors / Did you feel that? Yes I felt it too / A microcosm of an unthinkable thing / The times things just simply are / Shed childhood teeth sit rotting in 500-year-old jewel boxes / All over the world people are living / With a 60-watt burned-out heart and a palm full of tears / Still standing firm hoping that metamorphosis is near / Delirium-induced confidence in myself and mankind / I’d stay to tell you all about it if I only had the time / You see I gotta get to nowhere and I’m running a little behind / But I promise if I’m ever in the area to drop you a line.
7:30 – Seth got H1N1 on the subway on his way over to Public Assembly when a dude reached across him and scraped Seth’s face with his hand. Jah has not been in a subway since he’s been here, while Seth has. It’s the opposite of what he thought it would be.
9:11 – Seth and Jah were together and saw Jaycee Dugard, the 29-year-old girl who was kidnapped when she was a girl. She looks 17. Seth says if anything good can come out of this, being in a sex bunker for 14 years gives you perfect complexion.
17:32 – Jah’s dad went to a sleep specialist because he has sleep apnea and he literally dies in his sleep 70 times a night. They hook him up to a G4 computer with a tube that pumps oxygen into your nose.
28:14 – Jah’s mother called him this morning and told him about a man sitting on his balcony in front of his house in Marina Del Ray with his arm draped over the balcony. He was there from Monday to Thursday before authorities entered the home and realized he’d been shot through the eyeball. When all the neighbors were questioned, they all thought it was a Halloween decoration. It’s a block away from the Larroquettes’ house.
32:56 – Seth mentions how he thought he had a retrosexual (Episode 186, 45:55 with Stacy Stewart. He got a call from his old friend Mike Bevalaqua at his house the other day, and Mike claimed that Stacy was his retrosexual. Jah thinks the only way for this to be settled if for Mike and Seth to fight over her
33:56 – Jah ass-dialed his parents the other day when he was having sex – except it was actually an ankle-dial since his pants were around his ankles. He gives the crowd an example of the position he was in. He had no idea he did it, and he finished his business in the middle of the afternoon. Jah gets the weirdest feeling afterward like something has gone awry, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone, and sees it had dialed “Dad,” the first name under D. He looks at the phone and assumes they just hung up, but the duration of the call said 52 seconds. Seth wants to know some of the noises Jah was making, but Jah just says they were egging each other on because they were rushed. Jah calls his parents’ home line and his mom answers the phone. He says “Hi mom” and his mom says “Hii.” Jah asks his mom if she heard anything, and she said, “I don’t know if I did. Maybe your father did.” The next time Jah called his dad, he picked up the phone while reciting the mantra “Please don’t be having sex, Please don’t be having sex, Please don’t be having sex.”
45:36 – Seth saw a sun visor in the window of a car that said LETHAL WEAPON 2 – THIS CAR IS PROTECTED BY DANNY GLOVER AND MEL GIBSON with pictures of them posted up.
46:23 – Seth saw some tai chi this morning, which is lovely and elegant when done by elderly Asian women. When it’s done by a dude with a goatee, cargo pants and sandals, it’s slow and gross.
48:30 – Jah got a message the other day from a girl that burns episodes on CDs and sends them to her husband in Afghanistan. He has a whole crew listening to UYD getting super crazy and rowdy about it.
0:53 – In Texas there’s a PSA running called Drink Safe Texas: “How long does it take to spike a drink? You wanna see it again?” There’s a coaster they’re making where you take a dropper and put booze on it, and it tells you if there’s GHB or K in your drink.
5:25 – According to 17th century Archbishop of the Church of Ireland, James Usher, the world was created at nightfall on Oct. 23, 4004 BC. This Friday, creation is 6,012 years old.
7:09 – UYD college listeners are telling Jah that they have H1N1 and that LeBron James has it. Jah thought everyone was past it.
7:48 – Because of the H1N1, all waiting rooms are removing magazines, Catholic churches are not having chalice offerings and not giving any more sign of peace handshakes.
18:14 – Pennsylvania officials have arrested a man who used Facebook to ask his own daughter for sex. His name is John Forehand and he proposed meeting the girl for sex and explained graphic sex acts in detail, telling her “not many other fathers and daughters are this brave, so not many of them are so lucky to experience all these pleasures.” Police found him at the meeting place where he had asked his daughter to come. He had cameras and condoms
21:08 – As a result of the chilly weather, there is a shortage of pumpkin and pie filling because of the breakdown in bad weather and trucks not getting there. Shoppers are finding bare shelves. Although we may not have our pumpkins for Halloween, we should have them for Thanksgiving.
32:17 – 47-year-old Brian Johason of Chicago took his computer in to be fixed. Techs found a folder entitled “Sex With 12-year-old.”
37:53 – Many members of the Mormon faith are taking to heart a decades-old directive from leaders of the faith that they should be prepared for upcoming natural disasters by stockpiling at the very least one year’s worth of food, grains, pastas, potato flakes in bulk, canned fruits and vegetables. Jah isn’t totally opposed to that concept because people assume too much about their stability as a civilization sometimes.
39:35 – Angelo Crippa of Santa Barbara is an 82-year-old avid amateur mushroom hunter. He picked some mushrooms, but unfortunately they were a strain of Death Angel Mushrooms that looked almost identical to another form of edible mushrooms. He has a routine of sautéing them, offered them to his wife, then ate them. He said “Those were the best mushrooms I’ve ever eaten.” Angelo never woke up after he went to bed.
41:19 – New Scientist magazine has reported on new work being done to create a version of the coating that protects and nurtures the fetus while in the womb – Vernix caseosa. It’s an artificial mixture of baby butter, which can be used to hydrate or maintain pH balances, fight infections and protect skin exposed to light.
42:27 – A woman in Columbus, Ohio rented a limousine, rolled it up to a Burlington Coat Factory, told everyone in the store she won the lottery and to get anything they want. Everyone went buck wild and called everyone they knew to buy stuff, then she got in the limo and drove off – totally kidding. Then a full riot ensued. The only reason she got caught is because after she got dropped off she didn’t even pay the limo driver.
47:40 – There’s a dude who was putting on fake war medals saying he was in Afghanistan doing it for America. He was arrested and charged with stolen valor.
49:22 – There’s a growing trend by people in the running community to run barefoot. Seth read something that said “Your feet are in a prison – let them out.”
0:01 – The live crowd chants “UYD! UYD!” to open the episode
0:38 – Jah is blown away by the warm reception they are getting at Brooklyn’s Public Assembly
1:04 – Jah forewarns the ladies in the room that there are a gang of horned-up dudes in the close-quarters club
1:23 – Seth finally chimes in and Jah is forced to acknowledge him to the crowd
2:16 – Jah says he’s going to have a heart attack and the crowd needs to give him a second to catch his breath. Seth says he wants people to hang around for a while afterward to say hello to people
4:55 – Seth reminds everyone that it’s National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Jah tells people to get mammograms and that further explanation is necessary.
6:35 – People in the back can’t hear J-dawg and Seth as well, so they apologize and Jah tells Seth to face Jah a little more so they can talk more directly to each other.
12:02 – Seth says he used to come to this place when it was Galapagos back in the ‘80s. He’s seen a lot of things here.
14:47 – There’s a new Broadview commercial on (Episode 179, 48:22; Episode 187, 6:37). There’s a dude in full camo looking through a hole in the fence at a mother and daughter kicking a soccer ball in the backyard. He runs in and kicks in the side door of the house
24:23 – Seth thinks he finally has a reason to cancel his Playboy subscription because Marge Simpson was on the cover. He’s back in, however, because Tara Reid is going to pose in it.
29:16 – Jah gives a shout-out to Seth’s mom and dad, who are in attendance for the live show.
40:52 – Seth got his tickets for the Michael Jackson movie at the CineramaDome. He’s wondering how crazy it will get there.
42:31 – Jah has everyone simultaneously yell the state or town they’re from on the count of 3
12:15 – According to JD Power and Associates, they’ve managed to cull around 475,000 online conversations via Facebook, Blogger, LiveJournal and Myspace with the hopes of findout what brands early careerists (22-29-year-olds) are talking about. In quick service restaurants, the #1 and #2 most-talked about chains are 1) Arby’s and 2) Cold Stone Creamery. Jah then references Cold Stone Forearms (Episode 072, 30:21; Episode 169, 53:06).
8:21 – Seth rips on the Backstreet Boys, who are adult dudes trying to pull off a teen steeze.
13:39 – Jah rips on people for eating red meat. He says that if you are going to eat red meat, try not to spend 99 cents on it. Arby’s looks like labia’s in between two buns with cheese jizz all over it.
16:04 – I keep reading about all the problems people have falling asleep and staying asleep at night. An organization called the National Sleep Foundation did a story and it says that the economy is making people sleep less. I mean wouldn’t they just. I feel for all those people who aren’t sleeping, but not sleeping is not my problem. I can sleep night or day, sitting, standing. I often fall asleep right here at my desk. Some of the best sleep I’ve ever had has been in movie theaters or in front of the television set. Last week I took a bus across town in New York City and went six blocks past my stop because I fell asleep.