View Episode 239
Originally aired 10.05.2010
1:01:55 – Seth and Jah recognize that they forgot to say “Seatbelts” at the 7:30 show
1:03:23
3:40 – Seth watched a documentary on HBO featuring Adrian Grenier of Entourage making a doc called Teenage Paparazzo. He was out at the Arclight and some dude said “I’m 13 years old, I’m just pappin!” while wearing a hoodie. He was driving around with Paris Hilton, and she said it was weird that she was the second-most Googled person next to Jesus. They were in Malibu at her beach cottage and behind the sheets there were 30 papps sitting on the beach waiting for them to come out. He goes “Paris, do you know the story of Narcissus?” She says no. He explains there was a boy who was in love with himself and would stare at his reflection in the river and one day he went to kiss his own reflection, fell in and drowned. The camera cuts to her and she says “Was it true?!”
24:31 – Seth watched Trash Inc. on CNBC about the secret life of garbage. They took him on a journey, and it’s a journey you may not want to take. It just gets brought to places and dumped.
27:48 – Seth watched Liquid Assets which talked about how there’s no water in the world and they did a segment about bottled water which terrified him.
21:25 – For just $9.95 a month, you can monitor your child’s cell phone and be instantly alerted to any unapproved e-mail, text, photo or phone calls that come through. It’s called My Mobile Watchdog.
34:34 – Mini pumpkins – 59 cents apiece
59:27 – Seth gives us some Yoko Ono tweets: “Imagine letting a goldfish swim across the sky. Let it swim from the east to the west. Now drink a liter of water.” … “Imagine 1,000 suns in the sky at the same time. Let them shine 1 hour, then let them gradually melt in the sky. Make one tuna fish sandwich and eat.” … “I woke up in a room in my parents’ summer house. It was in Japan, I was 17.” … “Real blood smells of an ocean. Ketchup smells of commerce.” … “Are we the only race which juxtaposes reality and fiction and call it life?” … “A gush of wind intercepted my train of thought and gave me a rest.”
What Seth Learned on the Monsterweb
50:45 – A woman wrote an essay for Salon.com about insisting that her 3-year-old and 7-year-old daughters watch her give birth at home to their new little brother. “I wanted them to know everything. I told and re-told their birth stories. I described Beatrice’s hangnail at her birth and how during Francis’ birth I crapped all over the floor.” During this birthing session, one of the children yelled out “Is mommy OK?” She was naked, sweating, crying, screaming and bleeding, and was looking at her children saying “This is totally normal.”
16:44 – Jah’s mother has kept some stuff under lock and key without him knowing. He applied to some high schools in 1991. Both applications she kept were for high schools he did not gain entrance into. One of them was Crossroads in Santa Monica and another was for a boarding school in Ojai called Thatcher. There were some embellishments he took in depicting himself as a student: “Some of my hobbies are baseball card-collecting and cartooning. I also enjoy many number of sports, such as football, paintball wars, volleyball, basketball and tennis. I won a sports letter for playing all sports available at my school in the fifth and sixth grade. I will probably win a similar award this year.” … “I recently read Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck, Malcolm X by John Rummell and Call of the Wild by Jack London. I am presently reading So Long and Thanks for All the Fish by Douglas Adams.” Jah vouches for the fact that he read Of Mice and Men in its entirety and cried his eyes out, but there’s no way he actually read Malcolm X – although he did thing he looked cool walking around with it in his hand.
55:14 – Jah begins to read from another document handed to him by his mother hours before the show: “It was a Saturday morning in June. I woke up scared out of my mind. That’s right, I was going to summer camp. I knew absolutely nobody but they all seemed to know each other. I was on a Greyhound bus with a bunch of strangers. The only way anyone found out I existed was that they noticed I was with John Larroquette – ‘the pervert dude on Night Court,’ as they put it. They started to ask a lot of questions to get to know me better, I thought, but then I noticed that the questions they were asking were not about me but about my father. I thought about my situation and decided not to express my feelings to anyone because it hurt to think that the only way I could get along with people was to talk about my father. However, there was one exception – a boy named Greg. He was interested in Jonathan Larroquette, the person. I loved him because of that and I treated him like an older brother. I always listened to anything he had to say, even if what he had to say was not particularly interesting. He assured me that I was to be myself for a change and Greg brought me out of the shadow I had been trapped in for so long. I did not blame my father for his career. At the time I just needed someone to tell me that I was cool and Greg gave that to me. And for that I owe him my life because I do not know where I would be today if I had stayed in my father’s shadow.” Jah reminds us that we’ve heard about Greg before in letters from camp he read (Episode 151, 24:21).
5:27 – Jah was at his girlfriend’s store the other day and Lindsay Lohan walked into the store. This was prior to doing the podcast and after the podcast J-dawg watched her on TMZ. There were a ton of papparazi following her, and when she broke out of the store they threw some sort of decoy and she exited out the back. It takes them 8 seconds to realize that happened. In the middle of a green light they book across the street and make cars screech. They’re not even looking at the traffic, they’re just scrolling through their SLRs looking to see if they got the shot. Seth thinks he would be the best paparazzi because he wouldn’t show up on Fairfax with 15 other fools. He would stealth it on Olympic and get them alone and do it really chill. J-Dawg was thinking about Li-Lo’s life and figures out that she doesn’t really make any money anymore and she just gets chased everywhere. Being herself on the run is why she is who she is. At least Paris is mega-rich. But J-dawg thinks Lindsay needs money.
20:51 – Jah thinks guys are lucky for not having to get mammograms or pap smears. All dudes have to do is every four years have a dude stick a finger up their butt and tell a bad joke (Episode 049, 12:59; Episode 120, 2:36)
22:37 – Jah had a friend who was reading his daughter’s diary, and it got bad. It got into a scene where he was reading information he didn’t want to know – talking about drugs, sex, etc., that a normal teenage girl would talk about – but it wasn’t to the point where it was a genuine concern to stop her. Jah thinks it’s a terrible situation. He can’t imagine if his folks would have been reading his stuff. He’s pretty convinced that he would kill his kid before he would let him do something that kills himself.
25:39 – Jah says he made a mistake on the show a couple months ago talking about recycling and trash and that the sorting that happens on our end doesn’t do any good (Episode 225, 1:12:54). Ultimately stuff all ends up at landfills but there’s also a pre-sifting that goes on in regular garbage with plastic and aluminum since they’re worth money. That week, a dude in Florida who works at a landfill sent him photos from his iPhone. Jah was shocked by the giant sponges that went to soak up the oil spill, which were shipped and dumped to Florida landfills. He sent Jah pictures of bulldozers digging 40-foot pits in the landfill and dumping all those yellow sponge things in there, putting other garbage on top of it and burying them.
28:55 – Jah notices that Seth has a pair of glasses on in his Screen Actors Guild ID, and Seth claims “they fucked my shit up so bad.” He went to an audition wearing a Titanic t-shirt with Jack and Rose on the bow of the boat and a leather bomber jacket and thought he was going to destroy the audition in his Hollywood rigout. They gave him a mesh tank top, a Samuel Jackson Kangol and red-tinted wire-rimmed glasses and told him to go to work.
29:49 – Jah talked to another listener of the show who was talking about the show with his wife. He texted Jah and said he had never had a single funny thing to text him, but he was talking to his wife and said their names, “Jonathan Larroquette and Seth Romatelli.” What the wife heard was “Sethro Matelli.” Jah thinks this is the best name for him ever, and he’s never thought about it before. The listener also made a small flash animation about it which Jah wants to show Seth.
31:17 – Jah says he gets a couple residual checks from music queues that end up in Israel and they’re worth even less money than Seth’s movie residuals.
52:15 – Jah didn’t know that so many women shit themselves when they give birth and he was just having this conversation yesterday with his girlfriend about the possibility of having children etc. Jah said he would want to be in the room while it was happening, but she said there was no way he was dealing with anything south of the border. It would only be eyes and hand-holding. She informed him that women shit themselves all the time giving birth and he finds it to be pretty gross getting shit all over your brand-new kid.
9:45 – Seth read an article in Time magazine about a device for amnesiacs called the “Sense Cam” – a small camera that hangs from a woman’s neck and takes a photograph every 30 seconds of her daily activities. When she gets home she flips through the pictures to remember what her day was like.
13:05 – FBI agents arrested a 56-year-old man named Donald Curtis, who was visiting his bank robber son at a prison in Colorado. They had monitored several calls his son had placed to him detailing the smuggling of drugs into the prison. He planned to smuggle a golf-ball size chunk of black tar heroin stuffed inside the finger of a rubber glove and insterted into his rectum. He would then get it to his son by removing it from his rectum, putting it into his mouth and exchanging it to his son through a mouth-to-mouth kiss. Jah is a son who is not afraid to kiss his father on the mouth, but the other stuff is on a way different level.
14:45 – County penal institutions in at least eight states have adopted a trend in “jail mail,” requiring inmates to send and receive only postcards (Seth Style). Officials say multiple stamped envelopes can contain drugs on the backs of the stamps, and longer letters can contain coded messages, while weapons can be hidden in packages with multiple items. Some inmates don’t feel like using the postcards because it draws attention to their home. In Colorado Springs, the inmates must use a postcard that features the prison on the front of the postcard.
15:32 – George Lopez almost died five years ago. His wife, Ann, gave him one of her kidneys because he was on death’s door. He repaid her by divorcing her this week. Jah is not a fan of Lopez.
19:43 – October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Jah polls the crowd to see if mammograms are the worst. His understanding is that they’re rough, especially for women with bigger breasts that get mashed into a metal thing.
31:39 – An audio engineer at General Motors created a playlist to test your car stereo to see if the audio was up to snuff. His first selection was Don’t Know Why by Norah Jones, and then he busted out some Boom Boom Pow by the Black-Eyed Peas when he got out on the road.
32:50 – Halloween’s coming up, and Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network has posted on their website a blog entry warning Christians to forego celebrating Halloween because of its evilness. “During this period, demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities of Halloween. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent. Whether they get it door-to-door or by getting it from the store, demons don’t know the difference.
41:51 – In 2007, more babies were born in the U.S. than in any other year in the nation’s history. Experts think that the recession led many to put off having children. The birth rate in 1909 was 30 births for every 1,000 people, and last year it was 14 births for every 1,000 people.
45:16 – Strong earthquakes along the San Andreas Fault are more frequent than previously thought. The dreaded big one could be just around the corner, U.S. researchers said last week. University of California at Irvine and Arizona State examined geological records stretching back 700 years and found that published in the magazine Geology that it’s on right now.
2:14 – Seth disses the 7:30 show and says they saved it all for this 9:30 live show at the Broad. Jah claims he is wearing the same shirt he wore for the first show.
10:32 – Jah has a theory for an invention called the Third Eye, which is to capitalize on the blogged-out world we’re in. From birth you strap a wi-fi cam onto the forehead where the third eye would be, and it tracks everything to document one’s life effortlessly. Everyone would have their own personal TV channel and you’d get to choose whose life you wanted streamed to you.
28:16 – Seth shows the crowd some paperwork from the Screen Actors Guild awarding foreign royalties to Seth for Crossroads, which played three times in Switzerland and once in Sweden for a total gross of $12.65.
42:45 – Seth wonders what people used for a condom in 1909.
54:51 – Seth lets everybody know that the Sundance has been detailed and washed and is available for any photo opportunities.
59:05 – Seth informs the crowd that Yoko Ono is performing at the Orpheum Theatre tonight.
1:02:17 – Jah invites everyone to join them at a bar called Renee’s on Wilshire at about 11 p.m. or 11:30 p.m. He thinks everyone is probably trashed from the 7:30 show if they even made it there because they forgot to say “Seatbelts.”
8:21 – A study published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior found a surge in traffic on internet porn sites by men who live in states that helped elect the president. In both 2004 and 2008 elections, porn searches jumped significantly in the night and following week that the state voted for the winner.
36:22 – A new study concerning volunteers who participate in clinical trials and medical research studies that involve x-rays, CT scans or MRIs is showing that 40% of the study volunteers learned about a potential health problem that was completely unrelated to the purpose of the study.
38:02 – Among the oft-repeated predictions of Albert Einstein’s famous theory of relativity is that if a twin travels through the cosmos on a high-speed rocket, when he returns to earth he will be noticeably younger than the twin who stays home. Now physicists have demonstrated that the same is true even if the traveling twin is merely driving in a car at about 20 miles an hour. However, if you ever go anywhere separately over the speed of 20 mph, in that case if the twin gets home from the grocery store, he is only a tiny fraction of a nanosecond younger. According to a report in Friday’s edition of the journal Science, the reverse is often said to be true for a twin who spends time high on a mountaintop. General relativity predicts that time passes more quickly at higher altitudes because objects do not feel earth’s gravity quite as strongly. The physicist found that if a twin who lives just about a foot above sea level will age ever so slightly faster than a twin living at sea level.
12:33 – Jah thinks so many terrible things will happen to he and Seth in their old age that the ends of their lives are going to be so wrought with things they’ve talked about on this show. It will be karmic payback for all the things they laughed their asses off about forever.
48:19 – Jah predicts we will all die from a natural disaster.