Older and poorer


View Episode 253


Originally aired 01.10.11



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48:16 – UYD: This ain’t no panda

TV Picks

25:24 – Paula Abdul has a new show about dance. They introduce her to a girl who’s nearly in tears because they had met before. When the girl was 12 years old, a car drove through her dance studio and nearly killed her. Paula Abdul hugs her and comforts her but doesn’t appear to recall the incident ever happening.

27:38 – The People’s Choice Awards gave Favorite Comedic Star to Adam Sandler and the Favorite Comedy to Grown Ups. He went up on stage to receive his award and had a black eye. His speech: “I have a black eye and I’m sorry. I wanted to go to a concert, I wanted to see the Black-Eyed Peas, and the lady thought I said, ‘Black eye, please.’”

31:09 – Jamie Kennedy had a Showtime special that Seth kept putting off watching. He finally did his due diligence and sat down to watch it. This is at the time when he is dating Jennifer Love Hewitt. He says, “I hate being away from her. I have to travel a lot and I get lonely at night.” He holds up his hand. “This becomes my Party of Five. I Know What You Did Last Summer. I Can’t Hardly Wait.”

36:51 – Roger Ebert was on CBS Sunday Morning. He has a new book out called The Pot and How to Use it: The Mystery and Romance of the Rice Cooker. The problem is he had his jaw removed and it’s scary looking because he’s missing a large part of his face. Seth was freaked out when he saw him with the rice cooker and turning to the camera to hold up a bowl of what he’d cooked to reveal no face. Seth: “You had your back to me. All I saw was you in the kitchen working and I was like, ‘I love this guy! That’s my dog! He’s been at this rice cooker for an hour. Very mysterious over here, but I smell ginger.’ And then you turn around to hand me a bowl with no face? Fuck off! I’m not eating today, tonight or ever. Literally.”

This Week In Scientology

23:22 – Seth is trying to watch 60 Minutes, which told him there was a factory making high-grade pharmaceuticals that was so low-rent that pills were getting mixed up, and he sees a commercial that seriously spouts the following: “To know life, you have to know yourself – spirit, mind, body. These are the parts of man. To know them is to know life itself. Know yourself, know life. Scientology.”

Product of the Week

28:17 – The world’s first mass-marketed electric car, the Nissan Leaf, is rolling out into U.S. showrooms. Nissan spent years developing the Leaf’s unique sound, including getting input from music theorists, Hollywood movie sound effects experts, acoustic psychologists and advocates within the blind community. A built-in synthesizer will emit noises when the vehicle slows under 20 miles per hour to alert pedestrians of its approach. Listeners describe it as a gentler version of an airplane taking off. When backing up, the car pings like a sonar.

32:57 – Trident, the gum manufacturer, will unveil a new gum lineup called Trident Vitality, “a little piece of well-being.” It will include three flavors – Vigorate (a burst of citrus and strawberry containing 10% of the daily Vitamin C requirements), Rejuve (a blend of mint and white tea) and Awaken (a peppy peppermint with a dash of ginseng).

42:09 – Gatorade, in April, plans to launch a line of G Series Fit products aimed at 18- to 24-year-old exercisers involved in solo activities such as yoga or running. The line will include a low-calorie line of performance drinks, energy drinks, nutrition bars and a fruit-based protein smoothie drink.

Quote of the Week

15:27 – Father Alberto Cutié, the author of a book called Dilemma: A Priest’s Struggle With Faith and Love, said “There are so many homosexuals – both active and celibate – at all levels of clergy and church hierarchy that the church would never be able to function if they were really to exclude all of them from the ministry.” What Seth Learned on the Monsterweb

12:24 - R.J. Reynolds is a company based in Winston-Salem, N.C. Their brands include Camel, Kool, Winston, Salem, Doral, Eclipse, Export A and Pall Mall. There are some brands they still manufacture but no longer receive marketing support for. Seth thinks he and Jah need to pick one of these brands and start smoking them because they would be super fresh: Barclay, Belair, Capri, Carlton, GPC, Lucky Strike, Misty, Monarch, More, Now, Tareyton, Vantage and Viceroy. Seth chooses Terryton.

19:21 – Somebody told Seth to look up an ABC News close-up from 1979 called “Mission: Mind Control.” It was an exposé about CIA and Army intelligence using LSD and such in experiments. Some of them went “operational,” or rogue, to branch out in their experimental paperwork. One soldier’s mission was to “peel back his brain.” They interviewed him after the experiment and he broke down while covering up his face. Seth’s mind was peeled back when he watched the commercials from that broadcast including Michelob Light, Grape-Nuts and Maxwell House coffee.

30:35 – Jah gets on his browser to look up acoustic psychology. He can’t find anything. Then, later (32:19), the only acoustic psychologists he has found are consultants for car companies.

55:55 – Jonathan explains that before the show they were re-visiting past segments from the show, in particular the Craigs List straight bro-on-bro sports fans who like to jerk each other off to straight porn. He came across a new genre of dorm-room setting type porn that had a Girls Gone Wild feel to it. The lights were on and the girl was getting banged out by a dude, and the dude was performing his fuck steeze and getting coaxed and critiqued by the other guys coming in the room. The other men were more focused on what the guy was doing than what the girl was doing, although the girl was putting on a show of her own as well. It was almost like a performance with dub-step playing in the background, but it was too set up to be fully amateur.

UYD Stories

7:48 – Jah certainly saw a decent amount of Ron Jeremy growing up. Seth saw him for the first time in Mel’s on Sunset.

8:33 – Jah remembers watching the movie of the week, Convicted (Episode 242, 16:39), that his father starred in. His dad’s character got in a fight with another prisoner, who broke a broomstick and stabbed his dad’s character in the neck with it. Jah went hysterical watching it. He was crying so much. It was one of those things where he’d never seen him do anything like that on camera. Jah got a text on Jan. 4 from a listener saying it was on that date in 1984 that Night Court premiered.

10:36 – Seth remembers seeing Short Bus at a gay and lesbian film festival, which was a straight party. He remembers it opening with a guy trying to blow himself.

11:01 – Jah reveals that Seth has injured himself, and he’s going to ask him to sit down because he’s worried about him. Seth busted his knee and shouldn’t be putting any weight on it. He’s currently standing on one leg and then every 30 seconds he shifts to a Warrior 1 yoga pose.

11:36 – Jah quit smoking for four days. He has two cigarettes with him in the studio tonight. He smoked one of them, he will smoke another one and he believes he will stop again tomorrow.

13:13 – Jah remembers his art teacher smoking More cigarettes, which are long brown menthol cigarettes. Jah thinks he’s smoked Viceroys as well.

21:45 – Seth references going to a crazy vegan house restaurant that their mutual friend, Taran Noah Smith (the youngest brother from Home Improvement) had (Episode 061, 19:30). They were so scared that they were going to get killed that they left voicemails at their houses to say where they were going.

43:58 – Jah gets freaked out about the predictability of his likes and dislikes when he starts rating movies, then waiting for the recommendations to come in. They accurately predict the rating you’re going to give every movie within one-half of a star.

1:02:43 – Seth has faked Jah before. He brought a carrot soup dish from Flora Kitchen on S. La Brea Avenue over to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving and tried to play it off that he made it.

1:03:34 – Seth worked at a place and it was good. It was where he had to go up to the owner’s house and he didn’t lock the gate properly and one of her dogs escaped. It never came back, but it wasn’t Seth’s fault because there was wine that was left outside and when he picked up the wine box they all came out of the box. It was way more work than Seth signed on for. He just wanted to work at this place with Troy Van Leeuwen from Failure. After that, his boss, David Weiss – a great guy, Seth admits – brought him in and said “I hate to do this because you’re my homie but I have to fire you.” It was something he had to do for Rita, the lady whose dog got out. David now manages Cheebo on Sunset. Jah knows him because he used to work at Future, which was two doors down. David is in a Rogaine commercial that’s on TV now, talking about how he’s the guy who used to wear hats all the time but doesn’t anymore.

1:07:35 – Seth wants J-dawg to make one limited edition run of 1980s-style UYD half-shirts. Seth remembers wearing a half-shirt for a whole summer when he was about 11 years old. He wore it to church and didn’t give a shit. He had a taut, tan body that he calls, “A NAMBLA dream.”

1:08:48 – Seth saw a dude who said, “I don’t like to see you on crutches. It just ain’t right.” Seth agreed with him wholeheartedly. Although Seth said he looks pretty fresh at the newsstand because he gives a lean into the crutches and casually reads a magazine with his leg up.

UYD News

2:39 – Bon Jovi made $108.2 million in 2010 tours. Their average ticket price was $91.59. Average tickets sold at a show was 31,079. Total tickets were 1,180,991. Average gross for one night was $2,846,000. Behind them on the list was Roger Waters, making about $89 million. #33 was Elton John, making $21 million with an average ticket price of $96. He only played 35 shows. Elton John and Billy Joel did a tour together to make $20 million in only 11 shows. Jay-Z played 23 shows in 23 cities with an average ticket price of $80. Average gross was $1,056,000. Also on the list were Toby Keith, Brooks & Dunn, Rush, Usher, Jeff Dunham ($30 million over 108 shows, average ticket price $44), Cher, Rascal Flatts, Walking With Dinosaurs, Phish (ranking 20th - $33.5 million, 28 cities, 47 shows), Carrie Underwood (102 dates), Riverdance (175 shows in 25 cities), Alicia Keys, Chelsea Handler ($15 million, 53 dates), Alejandro Fernandez.

5:58 – There’s a new X-rated film coming out starring a hot young star named Ron Jeremy. It’s called The Flying Pink Pig, it will be released January 25th and features a storyline that revolves around a fictional food truck that serves sausage all over Hollywood. Director Erica McLean says “It’s fun, sugary, spicy, colorful, delicious, and downright entertaining. And the food doesn’t suck, but the girls – they sure do.”

11:45 – The R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company is targeting people who resolve to quit smoking in the new year with advertising suggesting they switch to pouches of smokeless tobacco. It’s the first campaign aimed at getting smokers to switch.

46:05 – Adorable panda cubs are at a conservation, and they want to teach these captive red cubs how to prepare for eventual release. To be successful, there can’t be any “imprinting” of humans, so adult people – men and women – put on full panda costumes and do all the business with the pandas. Seth doesn’t understand how the panda cubs wouldn’t understand that they weren’t real pandas.

51:07 – Some new California laws took effect in 2011. The Marijuana Infraction Law – being caught with less than 1 ounce of marijuana is now an infraction, the max ticket for which can be paid online for $100. There is no jail time, you can’t be arrested and there is no criminal record. … All new school classrooms must be able to lock from the inside in case of emergency threats from the outside. … The E-Personation Law – impersonating anyone online with any sort of fake social network pages, text messages, e-mails or altered information on blogs or websites is a misdemeanor punishable by a fine of up to $1,000 and a year in jail. Prosecutors must prove that the impersonator had criminal intent to harm, intimidate, threaten or defraud the victim who can in turn sue for damages. … The Poparazzi Law – if poparazzi are caught driving recklessly, they face a misdemeanor punishable by six months in jail or a fine of $2,500.

Extra Notes

2:01 – Jah and Seth kick off the episode by poorly singing Bon Jovi

36:09 – Seth and Jah both like fruity gum. The only time Jah will eat minty gum is if his breath is rank and he needs that to correct it.

38:57 – Seth wants to know if J-dawg has ever prepared a meal for his lady, like they do in the meals. Jah says not really. He says it’s not romantic and it’s kind of weird. Ultimately he thinks the lady would appreciate a really good meal, period, versus a really crappy one you worked your ass off to make.

Letters to the Editor

8:13 – Walter Scott’s Personality Parade. Question from C. Holt in Atlanta, Ga.: “Watching a sad movie the other day, I wondered, ‘Is it difficult for performers to see themselves or their spouses in dangerous or tragic situations on screen?’” Answer from Nicole Kidman: “You know, it can be. When we saw Rabbit Hole together, Keith wept. He was totally in shock. He said, ‘It broke my heart.’ Later he just wanted to talk and talk and talk about it. But I love being able to go to those dark places. I didn’t become an actress just to play the girl next door.”