View Episode 254
Originally aired 01.18.11
1:05:04
13:03 – Jason Alexander is going to do a pilot for CBS. The role requires him to play more than one person and is a detective storyline. Jah thinks Larry David should make a show called George, and Seth erupts in an orgasm of joy at the awesomeness of that idea.
16:58 – Jonathan watched a National Geographic special called Solitary Confinement, which is about lifers trapped within the “six-color” prison system. The lowest color means you’re in isolation 23 hours a day. They go in and film and interview these prisoners. All of them interviewed in the documentary were in prison for non-violent crimes. One was in for selling stolen computer equipment and sentenced to 11 years, but got into an altercation within his first month there and attacked somebody, so he was in the hole. They interview the prison guards, who literally hate the prisoners because every time they get out of a cell they try to rip their faces off. The guards say, “They mentally deteriorate over time. They definitely are worse now then they were.” They have cameras in the cells so they watch the dudes wake up, do crazy sit-ups and go into a crazy cycle of touching 12 things and wiping their forehead, etc. One guy had gotten 99 years tacked onto his sentence while living in isolation. In order to ever get out of that, you have to do nothing bad for 3-4 years. One old Cholo dude who has been in there 9 years said, “I don’t know how these guys do it. When I get like that, I meditate.” He goes into a deep meditative state. He’s the most together of them all. One of the dudes has been in isolation and is up for parole but never gets out of isolation before being released. He gets out and his mom runs up to him, and you can see a complete absence in his eyes. … Jah watches this documentary and is convinced that the system doesn’t work. He encourages everyone to instant queue that bad boy because it’s very well done. Jah says it’s better than Lockdown because he gets nightmares from it.
23:38 – Unveiled at the 2011 Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas is the Samsung internet-enabled refrigerator, which will go on sale in May for around $4,000.
34:11 – Burger King has introduced its first stuffed burger. It’s a limited-time-only Jalapeño & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse – 100% beef patty infused with cheddar and jalapeño bits, topped with creamy poblano sauce. It’s being marketed as the chains’ first “stuffed burger.”
Games That Jonathan and Seth Play
35:27 – Seth wants to know, if you put a mole, a poblano and a chipotle in a jail cell, who would come out alive? Jah chooses mole.
11:12 – Seth went to get gas a couple weeks ago and asked for $25 on Pump #7. They asked him what kind of gas, and he wanted to sarcastically say “Supreme, with Techron please,” after glancing at his electric blue Plymouth Sundance sitting by Pump #7.
11:48 – Seth tried to buy a cordless phone at Rite-Aid and was flabbergasted that it was $70 and does not work. People informed him that he could’ve gotten a better phone at Best Buy for $23. Seth apologizes to Sean Hayes and Jack McFarland, who were behind the counter at Rite-Aid, because he was too busy screaming to make any sense. Jah wishes he could’ve been there, because he hasn’t had a good public outburst in a while (Episode 194, 54:42).
26:39 – Jah basically doesn’t have television still but he has a television. He has a Vizio TV that has apps loaded in it. He plugs it into his wall, turns the power on, goes to the network settings and connects it to his wireless computer. He can watch Netflix, Hulu, Facebook and Twitter. He can hook up keyboards and everything else. Jah later says (43:37) that after not having a TV in his house for two years, he is amazed by the number of hours he sits in front of his internet TV.
32:56 – Seth revisits his correspondence from the lovely people at “It Is Written” (Episode 251, 8:43). His friend Muriel Hrbek, who had left Seth every possible way of getting in touch with Seth, follows up: “Dear Friend, I recently sent you a letter with an invitation to complete the Search for Certainty Bible study series, or to start the series anew if you no longer have a copy of the first lesson. Unfortunately, it seems that the phone number I included with that letter is incorrect. You will find my updated contact information below. If I may be of any assistance, please don’t hesitate to contact me. May God bless you and your family this year. Yours in Christ, Muriel.” Seth called one of the numbers to let her know he was still in the mix, couldn’t get through, but now he’s relieved to know he’s OK.
35:54 – Friend of the show Zach – Turquoise Wisdom, who DJed the live shows UYD did in Santa Monica – confessed to Jah that he has a problem that he falls prey to automatically choosing whatever it is the drive-through workers ask him if he wants a specific new menu item. He says not only is it embarrassing for him because people in the car are grossed out, but also the employees are so used to people saying “no” that it doesn’t register to them when he simply says “yes.” Jah declares that the new Frito Burrito at Taco Bell is no joke, but you have to eat it while it’s hot, because when it’s cold it’s shameful. Seth then impersonates Jah with a creepy voice: “Don’t bother me, I’m VEGAN!”
44:46 – Seth got a lovely voicemail from a lady with a newborn son who has a habit of listening to UYD with earbuds in her ear while she’s breastfeeding. Seth thinks that’s when it all came into focus for him.
49:03 – Jah’s dinner last night was awesome. His girlfriend, Geneva’s, mother is in town so he took her to a restaurant called Hal’s Bar and Grill on the East Side. They got both Elijah Wood and Lindsay Lohan in there. There were 50 photographers around Li-Lo and she walks in with a crew that looked like second-rate Italian underwear models. She’s the only girl in the click among dudes with shaved heads and leather bomber jackets. Jah processes that some of them have to be bodyguards but certainly not all of them. Elijah was there with his girlfriend and no one batted an eye over him once Li-Lo was there.
8:55 – The District of Columbia will observe Emancipation Day, a holiday that celebrates the freeing of slaves, in Washington, D.C. on the traditional tax filing deadline day of April 15. Because April 15 falls on a Friday, U.S. taxpayers are being given until Monday, April 18 to file their 2010 tax returns.
14:55 – The Texas Department of Criminal Justice said that there were 28,000 prison escapes in 1993 and 1994. In 2007 and 2008, the number dropped to just over 5,000. John Moriarty, the inspector general of the Texas criminal justice system, said, “Here in Texas, we’ll spend $1 million to catch someone. If you don’t go after one, you’ll be going after them all.”
30:16 – The Golden Nugget Hotel is Downtown Las Vegas is living up to its name by adding at ATM that dispenses gold instead of cash. Visitors can buy gold coins and 24-karat bars that weigh about 1 gram at the new Gold To Go machine near the main lobby of the Gold Tower. Each purchase is dispensed in a gift box. Buyers can use cash or credit cards, according to the website of the machine’s German developer. It’s called the ExOrient Lux AG. The Golden Nugget’s ATM is the second such machine in the U.S. The other is at a mall in Boca Raton, Fla.
37:41 – Jay says he’s a Leo because his birthday is August 7. Seth tells him he isn’t anymore. Astronomers have restored the original Babylonian zodiac by recalculating the dates that correspond with each sign to accommodate millennia of very minute subtle shifts in the earth’s axis. So J-dawg is now a Cancer, but Seth is fine because he keeps his Virgo on lock. Capricorn is now Jan. 20-Feb. 16; Aquarius is now Feb. 16-March 11; Pisces is now March 11-April 18; Aries is now April 18-May13; Taurus is now May 13-June 21; Gemini is now June 21-July 20; Cancer is now July 20-Aug. 10; Leo is now Aug. 10-Sept. 16; Virgo is now Sept. 16-Oct. 30; Libra is now Oct. 30-Nov. 23; Scorpio is now Nov. 23-Nov. 29; Ophiuchus is now Nov. 29-Dec. 17 (discarded by the Babylonians at the time because they wanted 12 signs, but it’s all about the #13 now); and Sagitarrius is now Dec. 18-Jan. 20. … Jah says this explains why he’s had such terrible luck his entire life.
42:17 – Blue Monday is the third Monday of every new year. It’s called the most depressing day on the calendar. This year it’s Monday, Jan. 17. It started as part of a publicity campaign by Sky Travel. This notable date was first published in a press release by psychologist Dr. Cliff Arnall, who at the time worked for the Center for Lifelong Learning – part of the Cardiff University in Wales. Arnal devised a literal mathematical formula to arrive at the Blue Monday theory. It factors in weather, debt, time since Christmas, timing of New Year’s resolutions, low motivational levels and the urgent feeling that you need to take action. It also reflects that Monday is regarded as the worst day of the week.
51:18 – Schwarzenegger had a bill in front of him that was finally repealed. It was a 60-year-old law on the books that was drafted in response to a string of sex crimes purpotrated against kids in California. The Welfare and Institutions Code 8050 said that “The State Department of Mental Health shall plan, conduct and cause to be conducted scientific research into the causes and cures of sexual deviation, including deviations conducive to sex crimes against children, and the causes and cures of homosexuality.”
52:48 – There’s a college called Deep Springs College. It’s a private all-male alternative college in Deep Springs, Calif. – 25 miles to the nearest town. It has no cell service and maybe one slow dial-up modem. It’s a two-year college and is one of the most selective and prestigious institutions for undergraduate students in the United States. Each year it admits 10-15 students. The institution currently aims for a student body size of 26, though the number is occasionally lower. After completing two years at Deep Springs, students may elect to receive an associate’s degree, although this rarely happens in practice. Most continue their studies at universities, most commonly Harvard, Yale, Brown, Columbia and Oxford. They work 20 hours a week on a ranch/farm. Tuition and room and board are free.
55:50 – Boston debuted an ambulance for obese patients on Tuesday and the retrofitted vehicle was promptly needed on two calls. The ambulance is equipped with a special stretcher that can hold 850 pounds and features a hydraulic lift with a 1,000-pound capacity. Cpt. José Archila of Boston’s emergency medical services fleet said it is likely that the ambulance will be used 2-4 times per week.
59:48 – In the February issue of The Advocate, it was reported that Minneapolis is now the gayest city in the nation.
2:50 – Seth begins the episode by singing more Bon Jovi. UYD is in talks with Dickie Sambora to gain the rights to the song “It’s My Life.”
41:43 – Volume 7 of crazy videos is up in Seth’s Corner, so feel free to peep that 22-minute vid.
54:06 – After several unsuccessful attempts to flick his lighter and light a cigarette, Jah whispers frustratingly into the mic, “Oh my God, this fuckin’ lighter.”
45:14 – New scientific work published in the journal Cerebral Cortex used cutting-edge MRI and MEG technology and showed that babies just over a year old process words that they hear with the same brain structure as adults. Moreover, they also do it in the same amount of time. Researchers found that babies were not merely processing the words as sounds but were capable of grasping and understanding their meaning.
48:24 – According to research presented at the fall meeting of the American Geophysical Union in San Fransisco, Earth is twice as dusty today as it was in the 1800s.
28:17 – Seth states this tonight. As of right now, at this moment, he didn’t watch the Season 3 premiere of Jersey Shore, and he’s not going to watch this entire season.
13:20 – Seth goes off on Jason Alexander for even attempting to make a pilot on CBS. No one wants to see him on television in any other role than his George Costanza role.
57:13 – Seth goes off on people who get pissed off when they go to places that only serve Vegan food, because it doesn’t work the other way around.
23:38 – Seth introduces a new segment called I Can't with this topic: Unveiled at the 2011 Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas is the Samsung internet-enabled refrigerator, which will go on sale in May for around $4,000. It features a touchscreen interface above its ice dispenser. The display runs apps from Samsung App, including the app EcoSystem, which up until now has been used primarily on state-of-the-art televisions. These internet-linked programs let the refrigerator owners read the daily news, make up-to-the-second shopping lists, get recipes directly from epicurious.com, and post to Twitter. Two speakers and a photocard reader are tucked underneath the ice and filtered water dispenser, letting users stream Pandora music and upload their digital photos to the screen.
3:34 – Seth takes us back before we go forward. People magazine 15 years ago this week. The title of the article is “Look Who Bagged Brad.” From the article: “The down-home heartthrob who has it all wants nothing more than to hang out with his sweet Seven co-star, Gwyneth Paltrow. Ah, what even a young superstar won’t do for love. In the year since People bestowed the Sexiest Man title on a kicking and screaming Pitt – hey, after his breathtakingly bare-chested turn as Tristan Ludlow in Legends, what choice did we have? – much has changed in the life of the 32-year-old actor: he boasts a new buzz-cut, much to the chagrin of millions of fans who swooned over his long, bleach-blonde locks; a new tax bracket – his asking price is now a reported $8 million; and most importantly, a new romance with a 22-year-old actress he began dating last winter while filming Seven – a huge hit this fall with Brad Pitt as a know-it-all cop tracking a serial killer. Ms. Paltrow is his devoted wife and Morgan Freeman is his seasoned partner. Their teamwork was delightfully evident a few weeks back when Pitt took Paltrow to Springfield, Mo., to spend Christmas with his family. Evidently, the pantry in the large gated home that belongs to Pitt’s parents, Bill – former trucking company executive – and Jane – a high school counselor – was insufficiently stocked. At Smitty’s Market, the young couple picked up $40 worth of groceries. Pitt was instantly recognized despite his wool scarf and lock, dark coat. After signing a few autographs he stepped outside for a smoke, but in her high-top tennis shoes and stocking cap, Paltrow – who remained inside to pay the bill – passed virtually unnoticed. ‘That was Brad Pitt!,’ the checkout girl breathlessly declared. ‘Who?,’ asked Paltrow, in mock bewilderment. …” Jah thinks that if Pitt could go back, he would have just stayed with Paltrow.