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25:00 – Jah was at a Carl’s Jr. at 2:00 in the afternoon when he watched his car get stolen. Jah begged them to throw out his odd, super-rare recordings of Jerry Band playing.
42:38 – Story about the eczema dude at Starbucks (Night Latte). His friend Robert tells him to go into Starbucks and order a night latte, and the barista tells him he’s never heard of it. He asks another barista, Steve, who says he’s never heard of it. Jah notices that Steve has horrific eczema on his arms, and upon seeing the eczema, he realizes he has seen this Asian guy at another Starbucks. He says, “Hey man, I know you. You work at another Starbucks that I go to.” Jah is right, but simultaneously they both realize that the only reason Jah notices him is because of his raging eczema
5:03 – Seth is pissed that Starbucks discontinued its chantico chocolate drink. He went to get his Thursday double chantico and was disappointed
10:44 – Jah recalls having weird pre-adolescent fantasies about being Tony Danza’s character and boning both the mom and the daughter in “Who’s The Boss?”
42:15 – Jah was killing time today waiting to meet a gentlemen to drive his 1987 Buick Grand National. The car was being stored at an old lady’s house and she wasn’t hope so it was going to take a while. Jah happened to be next to his friend’s surf/skate shop place and he walks into the back and starts looking at surfboards. He hears two dudes talking to the dude that works there. Stores have marked old surfboards up about $400 because the new material is 15-20% more buoyant and people who have been surfing their whole lives are going to be completely irked by this whole process. Seth can’t believe that Jah just used the words “buoyant” and “irked” in the same sentence.
0:57 – Mrs. Larroquette insinuates that Seth has gay feelings for firemen
32:44 – Jah is having an upset stomach b/c he had a snickerdoodle from Starbucks. He walked up and ordered his gay drink—an iced venti soy vanilla latte—and two snickerdoodles. “Curse the asshole who named them that. You couldn’t feel like more like a schmuck ordering something than a snickerdoodle.”
2:23 – Someone came up to Jonathan yesterday, knowing that he’s a dog person, asking “Have you seen Eight Below? I mean, for dog lovers, it is so good.” Jonathan says that’s impossible because there’s no way Paul Walker could pull that off
13:52 – Jah goes to friend’s office while waiting on ’87 Buick Grand National; as he’s telling his friend the story, guy walks up to him and rudely interrupts him to ask where the bathroom is; interrupter turns out to be guy whose Grand National made Jah want to get one five years prior. Jah: “How crazy is that?! How crazy is that?” Seth’s reply: “John Cusack. Kate Beckinsale. Serendipity.” (16:08)
24:33 – Jonathan’s Mother Crab story – Jah’s buddy makes another guy go in the bathroom with a flashlight & tweezers, and shut off all the other lights to try to find the mother crab in his pubic hair so he can make all the other crabs jump off
45:27 – Jah begins to delve into getting grifted, talking about being sent creepy fake PayPal e-mails, then tries to explain Nigerian e-mail scams
53:14 – The last time Seth went to SuperCuts, his gay black stylist, DeVon, was mildly perspiring and just hacking away at his hair. Now he goes to a woman named Rose, who is the greatest. Jah gets his hair cut in Echo Park
3:26 – Jah got excited today because a fan of the show dropped an e-mail talking about how he liked the show and how he’s addicted to Black/White on FX. Jah replies with a 1-page e-mail thanking him so much for contacting them, and it turns out to be one of Seth’s old friends from college
15:48 – A good friend of Seth’s used to be in the county jail, and told him they used to watch episodes of Friends on KTLA and it would be a treat to watch such a funny show. Then the guards would turn the TVs off with 10 minutes to go in the show just to piss off the inmates.
26:11 – Jonathan was at a Whole Foods 4 days ago, and as he was pulling in he sees a woman who looks very familiar. He declares it’s categorically a celebrity sighting, but he can’t figure out if it’s Bella Donna or Asia Argento
39:13 – Jah spots K.D. Lang at a Whole Foods
55:28 – Jah had a friend whose dad was killed in a wrongful weed bust. They raided his house at 4 a.m., he came out with a gun because he thought someone was breaking in the house and they shot him dead in the living room
57:02 – Seth’s friend got a tattoo back in high school and wanted to get it off. He said he found a doctor who was going to remove it named Dr. Tattoff. Seth: “Do you mean Doctor Tat Off?” Jah: “This is a real person by the way.”
0:40 – Jah’s story about a friend in school whose mom would always put wax paper in his sandwich on April Fool’s Day
1:56 – Jah’s story about his horrible Thai massage experience. The place was empty. The showers were freezing cold. He gets into a tiny room, a sweet little lady who didn’t speak a lick of English had him lay down, then she laid towels over every part of his already clothed body. He couldn’t hardly feel her hands. There was a bright light piercing his eyes the whole time, and he declares it “absolutely dreadful.” He did, however, get a boner twice in the midst of it
10:47 – The day Seth got to L.A., Jah took Seth to the Winchell’s on Rossmore and Melrose and said “Breakfast like a king. Lunch like a prince. Dinner like a pauper.”
6:18 – In researching a supposedly bogus article about animated tattoos, Seth finally gets ahold of a southern belle woman on the staff to ask if there was a real article about this. She asks Seth what day the article was printed on, and Seth says “Fuckers!” and deeply offends her
23:16 – Jonathan goes into a convenience store to buy a Coca-Cola Blak, and sees an early-20s cute, hip girl walk in with a crazy fox fur wrapped around her neck. Jah wishes it’s fake but it’s fully real, and he immediately has a problem with this and wants to tell her what a moron she is. She walks up next to Jah at the counter, etc. Jah gets into his car while she’s getting into her car, but she gets into a brand new Prius hybrid. Jah’s blood starts to boil, because he thinks it shows some level of consciousness about those kinds of issues: “The thing you’re wearing, it was still alive when it was ripped off the animal straight Duke lacrosse team style.” Jah was about to say something to her but backed off
11:53 – Jah goes to eat with his lady at one of his local dives, Hugo’s – it’s packed, and Jah whispers, “I thought Jews didn’t eat.”
33:45 – Jonathan’s Rick Schroder paintball story (“It’s RICK!”). Jah was 13 years old; Rick and his dad looked like scrubs and Rick was being an asshole. Jah got shot in the neck and got the weirdest, bloodiest welt ever. Someone cut the head off a 6-foot rattlesnake and it scarred Jah
37:32 – Seth had his first raw salad at the world’s biggest Earth Day celebration at Woodley Park in Encino. He saw Jerry Cantrell and Josie Moran there
39:38 – Seth tells everyone to TiVo for April 22 at 4:35 a.m. on HBO to watch Living Dolls, the documentary upon which Jonathan and Seth first founded their relationship when Seth worked at Rocket Video in the early 2000s (Jah: “It was one of the first things you and I ever talked about as barely acquaintances at the video store before we really knew each other. You knew everything about it and we had just seen it and you of course had seen it 15 times already.”) Jah remembers that Seth had a cut-out of the main character, Swan, in a drawer. Seth thinks he had it on a t-shirt
1:00 – There was a whole parade of Priuses and a bunch of people protesting out by Jah’s house today, by a gas station. They were holding signs that said FUTURE FUEL, NOT FOSSIL FUEL and doing donuts in their Priuses.
9:56 – Jah’s dad busts his balls for not watching the Rosie doc on HBO. “My pops is giving me shit about having TV picks and not watching them.” (becomes a recurring theme with Jah as UYD goes on)
41:19 – Seth picked up his Spuds MacKenzie cozy in 1986 on his 8th grade Washington trip
44:45 – Jah’s parents put booze in his bottles when he was a kid to help him sleep
53:30 – Jah’s sister got bubonic plague from an insect bite on her lower abdomen when she was 17. It was really bad and wouldn’t go away
12:37 – Jah gets busted at the drycleaners stealing A&W root beer candies from the tray
21:05 – Jah gets an e-mail from his mother about the show in reference to Episode 011: Seth was on fire. … Stop saying that gay parents cannot adopt white babies, and say you’re sorry, even if you aren’t, to all non-white babies. … I never put liquor in your bottle – you wish. … Your sister did indeed receive a diagnosis of bubonic plague in high school.
31:25 – Jonathan’s Sidekick/Blackberry/Orphan story using a ringtone as a substitute for the Asian guy’s name. Jah jokes about calling dude’s parents to test out the phone, and dude’s co-worker says he’s an orphan. “How much can your dad bench-press?”
54:10 – Seth’s story about a big buff black dude walks into his work after coming out of an MR-2, comes in to buy some stuff. Woman leaves before him: Hey, how ’bout that tail that just left?
4:16 – Jah was on the phone trying to pay some bills and becomes irritated with the automated payment systems. Inevitably Jah begins speaking with inflections that he normally only would with a human. He gets pissed with the computer “tutting” at him and flat-out screams at the computer
13:58 – In Seth’s school, Mr. Bein brought him to the principal’s office, called Seth’s mom at work and made her cry when he said “Your son said he was going to kill Skippy Walker.” She had to come pick him up. Seth was distraught, but a warm plate of cookies made it all right
20:10 – Jah stopped going to the dentist for about five years. A few weeks ago Justine told him he was rank and he needed to get an appointment. He’s currently going through deep cleaning under his gums, which is extremely painful
33:48 – When Jah was about 17 or 18, he had a friend he played in a band with who worked at a guitar store. His friend’s co-worker at store was crossing the street on Christmas Eve and got hit by a car going 50 mph, he’s rushed to the hospital. Jah’s friend gets in his car and races toward the hospital, gets pulled over by a cop, tells the cop he’s going to the hospital b/c his friend might die. Cop says “too bad,” takes an enormously long amount of time writing him a ticket, friend gets to the hospital and his co-worker was dead
49:40 – While driving to the UYD studio, Jah spots an ’81 Volvo, headliner sagging, spitting black smoke out, iridescent glow coming from inside of car, dude driving with 8-inch monitor on dash, another one mounted in on the glove compartment
20:09 – Seth’s story about getting a salad at Leaf restaurant and spotting crazy hot insane lady (“Hello SATAN!”) Seth has eaten there three times a week for six months and has never spoken a word inside the building. Paramedic: “Which one am I here for?” Seth raises hand. (25:32)
38:10 – While at the mall, Jah spots porn star Mr. Marcus. Jah says “awesome” about something and Mr. Marcus looks at him and repeats “Awesome.”
53:47 – Jah sees a payphone the other day driving down Coldwater Canyon and said it was like finding an old Coke bottle dug up at a construction site. Jah’s cell phone was jacked up and he tried to call someone on a payphone from a supermarket, and the phone stank horribly
32:51 – Seth hears a trainer from N.Y. standing in lobby outside The DaVinci Code complaining: “He’s a swimmer in the book, he would have done a lot of cardio so his lats would’ve been way more defined than Tom Hanks.” Seth: “What?!!”
6:58 – Jah admits to seeing X-Men 3
18:39 – Seth is scared to death of mesothelioma from asbestos because he used to paint houses three summers ago with a good friend, David, who passed away from a cancer. They used to be at houses and scraping cottage cheese asbestos off roofs while listening to Arrow 93 and cranking up Boston.
27:48 – Seth’s old friend Dave Thistlewood brought the tape of “Straight Outta Compton” to second lunch when Seth was in high school – 12 Massholes in crazy Starter jackets sat around and couldn’t believe what they were hearing. At that point Seth knew he was moving to L.A. Jah heard it at a party and looked over his shoulder and was like ‘What the ….?’
54:07 – Seth’s friend Jay Frasca (sp?) nearly lost his face after Seth and his buddies threw a brick of M-80s and fireworks in a homeless barrel
54:46 – Jah’s sister’s boyfriend tried to build a roman candle, was making it out of a metal pipe and a shard of the metal pipe seared through his forearm and opened up his muscle
37:46 – When Seth was at the opening day of Passion of the Christ at the Arclight in the back row, he saw a man ruffling through his bag, then got up and left the bag under the chair. Seth thought of his mother, said a prayer and decided that it was all over for him
58:24 – When Jah was a kid, his dad was shopping for an RV, and the guy at the dealership told him a story about an Asian guy who spoke very little English buying the RV. After they explained cruise control with him, he drove the thing on the highway, went in the back and made himself a cup of coffee and crashed it
4:41 – Jah saw the Dead play in Tempe, AZ – tripped his balls off on mushrooms, bought a bootleg ticket that they spotted, then bumrushed the fence and fell down into a mudpit of hippies
6:00 – Seth was at Woodstock 2
13:20 – How many ticks has Jah pulled off his own body in his lifetime? At least 10.
54:11 – Guy behind Jah in line at Starbucks: “Yeah, I need a coffee. What are your sizes?”
0:20 – Jonathan leaves Seth a phone message saying, “Hey Seth, it’s Jonathan.”
6:04 – After Jah came inside her, he would get a searing headache and have to lay down
56:58 – Seth smoked once outside of a Grateful Dead concert at the Boston Garden b/c all the hippies were smoking and he wanted to fit in. Jah says that when you smoke too many cigarettes and get nauseous it is the worst stomachache and headache you could imagine
28:47 – Jonathan pissed on his own shirt the night before
29:55 – Seth’s buddies would go to open houses and steal prescription pills from medicine cabinets; Jah says he looked up a hot realtor, went to an open house in the Palisades and raped one about six months ago
42:31 – Fan refers to J-dog as “Baby Fielding”
22:06 – Jonathan recounts a tough four days in his life: pisses on self, forgets parents’ anniversary, forgets Amir Yaghmai’s birthday, makes wife Justine late for flight to NY, forgets one-year wedding anniversary, locks keys in own car w/ car running, A/C going and stereo on for 35 minutes.
42:47 – Jonathan finally got to go out to the American Girl Store and had a full panic attack. Jah said the second level sent him to a dark place. He really thought Seth was exaggerating but “it is the devil’s work.” Seth: “Oh it’s the devil’s handiwork when you see dolls lined up at the salon getting their hair done, getting manis and pedis.” Jah said they went into the café and it got even worse. The waiters were “begging me to throw them off the balcony.” What also made it worse is the moms were twice as into it as the daughters
44:20 – Seth was creeped out at the American Girl store because a couple moms looked at him like, What are you doing here?, “and I couldn’t express to them just because I’m crazy but the other guy I’m looking at is there because he’s… triple crazy. Like, that’s weird… that’s kind of a heavy coat you’re wearing and those are weird trousers. Why are you wearing weird glasses, man?”
8:42 – Seth recalls taking mushrooms at Greatwoods and seeing Soul Asylum, The Spin Doctors and Gin Blossoms
12:20 – J-dog hanging out with Brandon Tartakoff at 9 years old. “He was a very nice gentleman, and he left us all too soon. This show goes out to Tartakoff.”
25:00 – Jah has been on a run of reconnecting with people from his past, primarily high school people. He runs into a girl they went to high school with (never intimate), but he had a crazy crush on her (still very attractive). They bring up another girl that Jah used to go out with; Jah says that she liked him but he wasn’t a happy person, and the hot girl said “Well at that point I think we all liked you.” Jah pleads with all high school female listeners to tell the weird dude they hang out with (who definitely doesn’t have a clue) that they like him. “If I had had any inkling…. I couldn’t believe it!”
43:58 – Once Seth was wearing Cavariccis in Nashua, N.H., playing Gallaga and someone told him what a MILF was. That was the last time he needed to hear that
3:48 – Jah went to a camp with one of the Coors kids
32:00 – J-dog had tickets to the Bobby Brown/MC Hammer concert, was taking a hot girl but couldn’t go because people were getting stabbed for wearing Nike Air Revolutions
32:42 – Seth saw K9 Posse, Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer at the Worcester Center
59:12 – Jonathan’s dad’s review of the show: Seth is hilarious but J-dog is an idiot on the show – it works, though
16:00 – Jonathan on the state beach in Oregon, sees wasted dudes driving Tundras going 65 mph and spinning out when the max speed limit is 25
26:00 – Jonathan rehashes Eczema dude / night latte story (Episode 001) – sees the eczema dude again in Portland, OR while he’s in town for his sister’s wedding, has full panic attack (Other barista at Starbucks to Jonathan: “It’s not Asian, it’s South Pacific.”)
5:39 – Jah hasn’t punched a wall since he was 13 years old and some girl broke up with him
26:25 – Jah runs into Gene Simmons and his stupid kids at a Humphrey Yogart
2:06 – Jah is on his way back from Hollywood on Houser, gets to a stoplight and sees a “rear-view mirror cute” chick behind her. She’s holding on to the steering wheel wearing wool Rocky gloves, starts talking to herself going crazy. She rolls down the glove and starts shaving her wrists with a Bic razor. Jah thinks it might be Morgellan’s.
22:02 – Seth’s friend John Buckley, working around the corner from the Santa Monica Farmer’s Market in 2003, hears carnage and destruction and runs outside with the guy he works with to see a triage unit after that old fool George Weller plowed through and killed 10 people and injured 63 others
5:49 – Seth’s friend from Israel got married at the Albertson Wedding Chapel on Wilshire Boulevard at LaBrea on April Fool’s Day. He had to pull him aside and tell him he’s not supposed to get married on that day. Seth had some crazy cocktails out of Styrofoam cups.
6:54 – Seth found out on the Sunday morning following the Saturday night when Notorious B.I.G. was gunned down; a buddy called to tell him
1:11 – Female voicemail caller Tara from North Carolina attacks J & S, calling them assholes and saying she expects something better on the outgoing voicemail
4:58 – Jonathan breaks pinky doing yoga, then names three separate yoga poses (Down Dog, Warrior 3, Warrior 2)
16:59 – Bag lady in Seth’s neighborhood wearing a Cruella Deville shirt tries to put a hex on Seth, then Seth flips the script on her: “I looked her dead in the eye and I was like ‘Oh you gonna put a hex on me? You gonna put a hex on me?” while holding a Diet Dr Pepper.
33:24 – A friend of Seth’s who doesn’t know much about the internet asked Seth, “Where is the internet?” Seth looked around at the other people who were laughing out loud, pointed at his heart and said “It’s right here.”
8:27 – Jonathan’s 7-11 story – debit card declined for $1.82. 7-11 Teller yells at full volume: DECLINED! Jah: “He looked at me after he said DECLINED! and had this awesome smile on his face like I was supposed to be into it with him, and I was so not into it with him because I was like dying.”
15:25 – Jonathan gets call from listener Tara (a.k.a. ohemgeeitsme), who wants to know why Seth doesn’t speak in the restaurant where he met the crazy chick – Seth never answers
28:09 – Seth had free passes to the Arclight and saw Boat Trip on opening weekend and saw Head of State the next weekend with peppered trenchcoat peeds throughout the audience
59:24 – Jah has been a vegetarian for almost eight years … had been on and off before … What got Jah to eat meat again was he drove through Jack In The Box to get a soda and fries, and he saw the picture of the spicy crispy chicken sandwich and couldn’t fathom leaving the drive-through w/o two of them in his car and he demolished them.
11:52 – At Survival Camp, Jah gets caught in the hills shoving a tub of Goober into his face after jacking it from one of the counselors
29:01 – Alan Jackson’s song “Chatahoochie” got Seth across the country from Boston to Hollywoodland. He moved out to LA with a dream in 1995 to do a podcast. He put his word processor in the back of his father’s Volvo, he and his two buddies Josh and Brian got in the Volvo and did some mushrooms. The song got real to them when they were in Tennesee on a bridge and saw a green sign that said CHATAHOOCHIE
47:22 – Seth’s story about having a Boba tea drink, getting shitrocked drunk at night and puking out the Boba beads that never broke down on some broad’s front porch
48:25 – Seth’s story about being at 3 of Clubs, covering a bathtub with 56 marachino cherries, being surrounded by 59 bottles of beer passed out on a couch, then having a night terror and knocking all the bottles on the floor
9:40 – Someone gives Jah their e-mail address: xxxx@aol.com…. Jah has a panic attack.
10:02 – At Jah’s job, works with two women who are filling in for others. One of women is ringing up a guy, swiping a brand-new Visa card 5-6 times backwards. Guy hands her a new card, Discover, backwards 6 times and says it’s not working. Jah almost explodes at her.
43:44 – Jonathan’s story about stupid guy in movie theater: "Eddie Murphy man, he fell off on that one."
Episode 35
14:03 – Jonathan’s story about his encounter with Steven Wright
18:14 – Jah was arrested when he was 16 and was featured in a National Enquirer as a TV star’s son getting busted. Seth tried to track down the archived edition from the Enquirer but the paper lost most of their stuff after the anthrax scare
40:28 – Jah was getting a burrito at Baja Fresh; spots a Hispanic woman with crazy glow-in-the-dark acrylic nails behind the counter, punches her in the face and calls her a stupid raver and leaves
12:04 – Jonathan’s story about being at dinner with two former film school tools who talk about Goodfellas and the Jerky Boys
26:58 – Jah saw one drunk priest as a Halloween costume one time; Seth also saw one who had a prop – a bottle of booze inside a Bible; Jah’s was with pants down and a fake kid affixed to his crotch
1:26 – Jonathan’s story about the full-blown adult Halloween candy burglar wearing a cape with a spider web on his cheek, who is demolishing the bowls of candy that Justine was monitoring by dumping them into a pillowcase
7:11 – Jah informs us about jimson weed, which grows rampantly in California and Arizona. You have to make a tea out of the seeds, but there is no recommended dosage b/c there’s a fine line between tripping your balls off and going temporarily or permanently blind or having full cardiac arrest. A bunch of kids in Jah’s boarding school did it in the dorms. One guy felt nothing, another got mildly weirded out and another was blind for 24 hours, writing chicken scratches on a piece of paper
9:19 – Jah spotted a kid at Phish show in ’92 who was wearing a homemade t-shirt that read “Let’s go Jimsoning”
10:28 – Jonathan cyber bullies Danny Noonan from the UYD website forums after he gave a list of “funny” podcasts like Nobody Likes Onions. Jah: “I cyber noogied him, actually. I cyber charlie-horsed him.”
13:06 – Seth’s grandma tried talking on a cell phone and then held it out like it was a dead bird
40:47 – Seth used to sleep over at his friend Ryan Hastings’ house every Friday night and watch Miami Vice. Ryan collected Smurfs and Seth hopes he still has them
41:07 – Jah sees a 6-foot-8 dude walking down the street with two stacks of Garbage Pail Kids wrapped in rubber bands trying to sell them – 20 minutes later he came walking back still holding both stacks
41:31 – Seth’s friend Peter Martellucci collected Garbage Pail Kids and said they’d be worth money. He called Seth “Bad Breath Seth” and told him he’d be worth money. Peter is the same kid who told Seth that even though he got voted for for “Cutest” in the yearbook awards, he would get uglier when he got old
43:12 – When Seth was a sophomore in high school, he went on a field trip into Boston and everyone saw Jordan Knight and went bananas
43:26 – When Seth was visiting home he heard Marky Mark’s “Good Vibrations” playing on the radio and rolled the window down on the way to Dunkin’ Donuts and was like, “Feel it! Feel it!” He is reminded that it is the best song ever.
57:34 – Jah babysat a kid and called phone sex lines from the home back in the 976 days – he never got caught
3:54 – Jah watched Amir smoke some type of sage called salvia with four other dudes and nothing happened to them
22:53 – Seth got on YouTube for the first time in his life and watched a Christina Aguilera video from five years ago
40:34 – Jonathan’s story about his road trip with Wally where they went to a huge Wal-Mart somewhere in the Dakotas – Girl in store: “Ooh, when I get paid, I’m gonna get me some of them Taz slippers.” (41:43)
0:53 – Seth put on weightlifting gloves and he, Stacy Church and Greg Burns drove his mother’s two-door Honda Civic to steal a BP sign from his best friend at home, Brian Peters
20:52 – Jah was having a conversation with a woman, who, after two hours of talking they realized they knew each other. She asked Jah how old he was and after he said 29, she says, “Oh, so you’re right in the throws of your Saturn return.” At this point Jah realizes he’s just about to enter his true beginning of adulthood
25:47 – Jonathan’s story about being caught by parents humping pillow and watching bodybuilding: “Oh… uhh, I was just waiting for the guys.” (resurfaces again at 43:18 – Jah: “I do this a little bit here and there and you don’t do it at all…” Seth: “Fuck pillows?”)
33:17 – When Seth visited California when he was younger he went to TCBY, and when he got back to Massachusetts he kept talking about it and pissing people off: Yeah, I was out in Cali. We were at a TCBY. It’s cool, it’s frozen yogurt dog, it’s fro-yo.
34:16 – The first year Seth’s parents visited him in LA they were wearing shorts, he told them he was getting local and he wanted them to cut the shit and wear Dockers. His dad walked from the 101 down Gower to Roscoe’s at midnight when Hollywood was not safe
36:09 – When Seth first got out to LA in September of ’95, he was talking to a cop who referred to “snowbirds,” the migratory idea that hookers leave cold states in the winter to come to the West Coast to trick
36:42 – Jonathan’s hooker story: “She was literally one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life.”
39:46 – Jah went to a crazy Montessori pre-school where the kids weren’t bathed because their parents were doing past-life transgressions and couldn’t rear their kids. Jah went to do the blacklight test and a filthy kid in front of him was getting examed right before Jah, they pulled back his jet-black hair to expose all kinds of white lice. He got so disgusted by it and was sent home because he had picked up a louse himself.
42:39 – Jah was at Starbucks and there was a dude outside opening his PS3 and showing it to the other dude. He thinks the one dude paid the other to go get it for him
51:05 – Jonathan’s story about pissing his pants during the Jackson 5 Victory Tour. The dad who took him wouldn’t let him go b/c Jacko broke into a solo performance, Jah pissed himself, the song ends and the dad takes him to the trough, Jah faux-pisses and gets a ride home in a limo with piss-stained pants
53:39 – Jah: “How are my childhood memories treating you this week?”
34:54 – Seth’s story about flying from Boston to LA with several Russians who he suspected were Chechnyan rebels.
35:33 – Jonathan’s story about Italian friend John who was interrogated at airport before trip to Europe
46:44 – Jah had a friend whose mother died and he had her cremated. He spent some time in prison, and had a jailhouse tattoo of his mother’s portrait on his chest, made using his mother’s ashes for the black pigment
29:19 – Jah was watching old footage of the Grateful Dead on YouTube, and was reading the comments from all the stoners. Some dude gets in and makes a joke about the Dead: Hey what did the Deadheads say when they ran out of drugs? What’s up with this crappy music? Jah goes to the dude’s page and he has two Vince Neal interviews tagged, along with two 14-year-old girls dancing to “My Humps.” Jah wonders why he’s trying to rile up these Deadheads
8:58 – Jonathan’s bank punishes his “misuse” by giving him an ATM card (no debit privileges) … the “DECLINED!” story is brought up again at 11:59
28:00 – Seth graduated high school in 1991. This guy Geno DeLuca had a cell phone and drove a Suzuki Samari. The cell had its own carrying case and he would be on it, talking at the football game and everyone was going crazy
32:33 – Seth hits his balls two weeks ago and has a flashback to 15 years ago when he was driving a mail truck down a hill and hit his balls
34:57 – On Monday (Dec. 4), someone said “Merry Christmas” to Seth and he yelled “Back at ya dog!” He feels like people shouldn’t even say that until the 23rd.
39:23 – Seth gave Jah the “Eyes of Tammy Faye” pin to Jah. The last time Seth went to Sunset 5 was with Bobby Bukowski to see that movie
54:06 – Jonathan’s story about meeting with commercial agents. Lady: “What’s your look? I just want to take out a pair of scissors and trim your beard.” Jah: “That wouldn’t be cool with me, I’m Muslim.” Seth: “Oh, what the fuck man!!”
3:00 – Seth got grifted on Beale Street in Memphis trying to buy a bag of weed off a homeless guy, who ran from him
3:10 – Stacy and Susan story – young Jah in Maui smoking fabulous herb with the locals. He makes the mistake of buying herb from Stacy and Susan in this other dealer’s house, and they vibe him out and give him some laced herb. Jah gets horrific lockjaw and is sitting there completely paralyzed for 2 ½ hours as they keep saying mean shit to him. He stumbles out of the house, other guy jumps in the back of a pickup and yells “Stacy and Susan!” as they peel off.
8:03 – Seth’s mom asks him why they talk about drugs nonstop; he says it’s because they haven’t done them in 15 years and they can’t stop talking about them.
10:18 – Jah got taken on the internet buying a piece of gear – there was no way the deal could have been right but Jah put his blinders on b/c he wanted it so bad. Guy’s name was Cam Lyman. The address he gave Jah was a used car dealership, and cop wouldn’t pursue it. Cost $2,000 of Mr. Larroquette’s money that he lent to Jah.
17:55 – In 1990 at Jenny Windell’s house Seth watched the Red Sox get swept out of the AL playoffs by the Oakland A’s; the only thing that got him through that series was drinking down some Robitussin
59:00 – Jonathan’s SUV story
10:51 – Jonathan’s story about finding hardcore porn in day laborer camps
29:34 – Jah looking for sneakers online and gets on a forum where all they talk about is retro Jordans. Everyone says “I’m gonna cop these.”
35:10 – Jah has pulled a tick off his lower armpit this week; his mom got him freaked out about Lyme disease and he was on a Lyme disease forum for hours. He thought he had a floppy mole but it turned out to be a tick. To teach the tick a lesson he went outside and ate the tick in front of all the other ticks.
42:58 – Jah’s friend asks if Seth really got an eye infection from his Bausch & Lomb Renu eyedrops. His buddy uses the same stuff and got a crazy eye infection from it, and he has a black spot in his vision from using them
51:47 – Jah went to Tijuana when he was younger and bought illegal weapons – switchblade, stiletto and butterfly knife and some crazy ninja throwing stars. Was with his friend and mom and friend’s mother in a Suburban, his friend pulled the butterfly knife out of his pocket and dropped it in the car and his mom found it.
1:00:14 – Seth takes $8.50, slides it to the teenager and says “I’ll take one ticket for Rocky 6.” Teen: “You mean Rocky Balboa?” Seth: “Call it what you want.”
50:18 – Jonathan’s Baja Fresh story (“I’m trying to order here!”)
54:07 – 54:07 – Seth was at the Hollywood Christmas Parade in 2004, sees Leo Rossi on a float going by and waving to the crowd: “Is that the rapist from The Accused? What the fuck are you doing in this parade?! It’s Leo Rossi from The Accused. And Leo looked me dead in the eye and he waved at me, and I waved back. I said ‘Hey! You’re the rapist from The Accused! Thanks for being in the parade!’ And then there was Peter Sarsgaard from Boys Don’t Cry. He raped, didn’t he? It’s a rape parade!” (story is brought up again in Episode 057 at 10:14)
5:46 – Seth’s child fascination when he learned about time zones was having something be alive and then flying it back in time and killing it before it was born
7:52 – Jonathan’s Sedona, Arizona UFO story. Therapist to Jah: “Do not investigate any further because you’re getting into something you don’t want to deal with.”
14:03 – Jonathan goes to a New Year’s party, sees a friend of his smoke a j-dog with Kelli Osborne. Also talks to another girl whose 34-year-old brother is going to Afghanistan because he feels that’s where we should have been in the first place
36:19 – Jah’s friend recorded Mike Madsen performing his crazy poetry while drinking a bottle of Jack Daniel’s as his crazy hot wife sat in the control room
37:28 – Jah is standing in the bank for half an hour, getting so frustrated, and then when someone at the window goes, “Hey I see you guys are real busy,” and Jah goes, “Yeah you wanna know why, because they hire mental retards here.” Jah thought it would expedite the process but it elongated the process and he left having not executed said task
42:57 – Jah saw the sun rise over the Grand Canyon and was disappointed in it
5:58 – Jonathan’s lotto ticket story. Instead of getting more lotto tickets, the scratch-off winner at the gas station asks for the money and says there’s no way he’s going to be lucky three times. Just as Jah is thinking that this is a pretty smart dude, the guy gets handed $2
12:09 – Jonathan’s story about getting pissed on by a 6-foot-8 dude riding a Ninja in the bathroom of an office building. Jah gets the spray from the urinal onto his leg. Seth: “So as you’re looking at his cock he’s smiling at you? This is an interesting story.” Jah: “Huge prick.” Seth: “Huge prick, too, you say. I mean you saw it. And he saw you and he smiled. I think it was a nice afternoon.”
17:48 – Jah says he hocked his Tony Gwynn 1974 Topps rookie card for weed when he was 15 years old. “It’s the one fact I would actually say I’m spot-on about.” Jah later retracts when he discovers that Tony Gwynn was a rookie in 1983. (19:32)
12:52 – Jonathan retells Rick Schroder paintball story from Episode 010 – Rick and his dad show up and the first person who calls him Ricky sets him off: “IT’S RICK!!” Jah also explains that there’s a limit on how fast your gun can shoot. He shows up and he’s 11 years old, but everyone else is 30. They would clock in, then find bunkers and field strip their guns and tweak them up to where they shot really fast. Jah got shot at point-blank range in his throat, the only piece of his body that wasn’t covered. It looked like a volcano on his neck for two weeks, oozing like crazy. Schroder’s dad killed a rattlesnake with a giant buckknife, cutting its head off.
20:39 – Jah knew a guy who got busted in San Francisco—another hotbed for medicinal marijuana cards—for weed. He got pulled over by a cop and was searched and the cop found half an ounce of weed. The cop literally threw the weed back at him and said “get a fucking card!”
25:04 – Jah watched the Playboy Channel in weird wavy lines on the TV since his family didn’t subscribe to it, he would see an ass or a tit come through occasionally and still got off on it … Seth watched the Tyson-Douglas fight the same way at Mike Bevalaqua’s house
25:46 – Seth was in Starbucks and saw a girl he knew but didn’t remember her name. He started making small talk with her and her friend about their crazy phones and the things they were doing with them. Seth’s phone rang with the default Verizon ring and he just reached in his pocket and turned it off. So Seth calls Verizon to try to get a ringtone because he wanted “Throw Some Ds,” but he was asking for a ringback (when someone calls you and hears music instead of dialing) because he didn’t know the difference, but he couldn’t get that because his phone isn’t capable of that technology. Seth looked into getting a new phone but he’s locked into a contract. Seth recalling conversation with Verizon representative: “You’ve got that phone through like 2010. What?! Yeah, you signed a contract. Where?! At the Beverly Connection. She had like the date and the time! Like did I really? That was a really shitty signature I did then, to lock me into this awful phone. She couldn’t even give me a ringtone. … How’s 2002 treating you? It’s treating me pretty good!”
1:01:23 – Seth is wearing hospital scrubs because he and Jonathan went out to a coffeeshop last night and Jonathan was wearing an embroidered Quiksilver sweatshirt that he was given for Christmas. Jah admits that it’s the worst item but it’s so comfortable that he has to wear it
11:24 – Dr. Flynn put a finger in Seth’s butt when his appendix burst. Seth ate a pint of Cherry Garcia and woke up with a wicked stomachache, and drove himself to St. Joseph’s Hospital in Burbank in his bucket seat Datsun 280Z because his roommate Bowman was asleep and he couldn’t wake him up
12:59 – Jonathan’s prostate exam story (gay joke while finger in butt)
53:33 – Seth’s sandwich artist, Gerson, looks just like Oscar De La Hoya
24:32 – Jonathan’s LA traffic story – leaves Dad’s house at 4:15 p.m., gets home at 7:30 p.m. (normally a 20-minute drive)
31:15 – Jonathan’s horrific car accident story. He was 19 years old, driving one lane from the far left lane. Woman pulls onto the on-ramp, cuts over, car was coming, she realizes this and cuts hard right, car cuts sideways away from Jah, overcompensates, comes back the other way across the freeway and Jah t-bones this lady in a two-door 1986 Tercel at 80 mph and lets Jesus take the wheel. Jah sees the car spin around, fly across the freeway and go over the hill. Jah’s GMC Yukon was totally jacked up; his front bumper and engine went down into the car, both of his tires explode and cave in. Jah thought for sure she was dead, but he sees her climb up over the hill in a McDonald’s uniform and had an enormous welt on her head. Jah looks over and sees his girlfriend from high school standing there and she asks Jah why he didn’t see her. She said Jah just looked at what was happening and simply threw his arms up
6:33 – Mike Maylott took Seth’s head and put it in the snow and gave him a whitewash while Seth’s childhood buddies Brian and Jack ran off on him
20:09 – Jonathan’s story about getting hustled. He pulled into a gas station, went inside and noticed a woman standing outside. As he came out she walked up to him and said her truck broke down. Immediately he suspects a hustle. She says she’s out of gas, then points to the U-Haul truck by the pump and says she has to get back to Thousand Oaks. Jah agrees and puts his Debit card in, then the lady says she came from Chula Vista and she’s on her way to Eureka. He tells her to tell him when to stop. He stops at $20, puts the pump back in and she’s driving off while Jah is standing there like an asshole. He decides that he’s OK with getting taken because he’ll buy anyone gas
36:35 – Jonathan and Seth were watching Minority Report at the Arclight when man stands up in theater: “Shame on you Spielberg! Shame on you!” Jah did the same thing during Norbit, he yelled “You fell off Eddie! You fell off!” Then he had to come back into the theater and clarify that he meant Eddie Griffin, not Murphy
1:32 – Jah saw a dude today wearing a t-shirt that said I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. I’M A DRUNK. DRUNKS GO TO MEETINGS.
1:53 – Seth saw a bumper sticker on a back of a pickup truck today that said COWBOY BUTTS DRIVE ME NUTS. “Get er dun!!!”
23:54 – Seth saw Eddie Feigner pitch at Haverhill Stadium when he was a boy. Saw him get blindfolded at second base and kneel down and throw a strike across the plate
48:15 – Seth saw Con Air at the Cineramadome, got home that night and he and his roommate John Buckley had to throw out their crystal meth roommate, a redhead Irish girl from Chicago. “I had to take her shit and throw it out of my house. What are skis doing in my closet?!”
5:36 – Jah had a friend who did DVD authoring for porns where he would chop the movie into chapters. At first he said it was the best job ever, then a month later he had to get out of the job because it’s the worst and all you see is meat
17:58 – Jonathan’s friend who used to be a Catholic used to give up reruns of Laverne & Shirley for lent
40:52 – Seth remembers watching Game 5 of the Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals in 1984, known as the “Heat Game” because there was no air conditioning in the Boston Garden (game time temperatures over 100 degrees in June). Seth and his parents watched the game from their back porch because it was too hot to be in the house, they ordered Mexican food from Pedro Diego’s and Seth bit on a screw that was in his food
51:25 – Jonathan knows a guy who is a hypnotherapist, but every time he sees him he keeps trying to convince Jonathan to get hypnotized so he can quit smoking
1:20 – UYD listener gets pulled over in Blythe traveling 110 mph listening to UYD
22:21 – Seth references the Haro bike he got for Christmas when he was a kid – front pegs, back pegs, full 360-degree handlebars. “I’m going to name my first son Haro. Haro Romatelli.”
30:32 – Jonathan got a letter yesterday that he was in collections for a $1,000 bill for a Home Depot card account that was opened up in a city he doesn’t live in. Jah calls collections agency and says he doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Collections implies that Justine opened the account, which Jah dismisses. Jah dismisses an ex-girlfriend because he’s been with Justine for nine years. They ask if he’s ever lived on Tower Road in Denver Colorado, they had his SSN and everything. Jah made the lady laugh on the phone, calls Citibank, has to go to a police department and fill out a full report. Police said he wouldn’t get his affadavit for 3 weeks because they’re so backed up with ID theft cases. Jah warns that people will still target dudes w/o money because they can open up new lines of credit on you
4:34 – TWEEEINS!! Seth’s story about guy he used to work with at Paramount who would drive around on a golf cart, pull up next to hot women with large breasts and say “Show me the tweeinns!” Dude was covered in tats, in a gang in LA, smoked crystal and lives next to Gedde Watanabe.
24:52 – Jonathan talks about the two times he had sex in a pool – he wound up farting out chlorine water, and it sucked and nobody came
32:54 – Jonathan’s John Popper story. He practiced harmonica a lot when he was a youngster. Blues Traveler came to LA several years ago to play at the Wiltern, and Jah asked his father to flex a little bit of his celebrity muscle, and Mr. Larroquette drummed up some sweet tickets and backstage passes. Knowing this was coming, Jah took out a couple weeks to draw a pencil-and-charcoal 8x10 portrait of John Popper in full harmonica solo in his high school art class. It turns out to be an amazing show. Jah’s dad came with him, at the end of the show they go backstage, a PR person grabs them and it’s on. The door opens and they’re with the entire band. Jah says “I have something for you” and hands him the picture. Popper is in disbelief that Jonathan made it. He says he’s going to hang it in the bathroom of his 1800s farmhouse so he can see it all the time. Popper says “let me give you something” and hands Jah a Honer Special 20 harmonica. Jah starts blowing right in front of him, Mr. Larroquette tries to put a stop to it but Popper says it was really good, then sits with him and gives a 5-10 minute harmonica tutorial
38:07 – Jah met John Popper again 2 years later. Popper wasn’t very nice to him because he was on a press junket. On another meeting, Popper says he still had the picture hanging in his house
9:06 – Seth got a phone call today from someone very angry at him that they didn’t have his e-mail. Seth: “You don’t have it, because I don’t have it.”
10:20 – Jah was in his apartment at Park La Brea when he found out Biggie was shot down on March 9, 1997; Seth was on North Beachwood – he got a call on Sunday morning from his friend Nick Lang, because Seth was at Nick’s house, which was around Crescent Heights and Wilshire, and Biggie got shot at Wilshire-Fairfax
11:07 – When Tupac died Sept. 13, 1996, in Las Vegas, Jah was on the set of The John Larroquette Show, a guy on the show named Daryl “Chill” Mitchell was supposed to go to the fight with them but couldn’t because of the show. Mitchell would’ve been in the car with them. Mitchell is now paralyzed because of a motorcycle accident
13:34 – When Easy E died, Seth was driving east on Sunset Blvd. at Highland by Hollywood High School, he was listening to Power 106 when they said it and he looked up and saw the Hollywood sign and put his head down to pay his respects
14:15 – Seth tipped a 40 when Dave Thistlewood played NWA’s “Straight Outta Compton” for the first time as they sat around a lunch table and their jaws dropped. For the next 9 months they wore Raiders jackets and hats and only listened to it.
14:47 – Seth re-hashes his TCBY yogurt story from Ep. 39
36:38 – Jonathan’s Filipino bowling story. Jah got into bowling and was about a 150-160 average, got put on a ridiculously good team, changed his stroke and started tanking to about a 75-80 average. One guy on the team gets smashed one night and just rails on Jah, so Jah calls the next week and makes an excuse so he won’t have to go anymore.
47:51 – Jah gets further into his identity theft situation – they not only opened up the Home Depot card account, but a Sam’s Club $300 credit account a year ago
10:53 – Jonathan’s Hollywood Christmas parade story centering around his father – When he was on a show called Baa Baa Black Sheep, he and his friends in the cast are riding through the parade in a ’50-something Buick convertible with the Pioneer Chicken kid (wearing a big chicken costume), Mr. Larroquette and his friends get hammered on Jack Daniels and get the Pioneer Chicken kid drunk too; they start punching the Pioneer Chicken kid and huge chunks of the paper mache head are falling off and they’re throwing them. At the end of the parade they decide to go to the Magic Castle (members-only club for magicians and fans of magic) with the Pioneer Chicken kid. In the Magic Castle they start an alltime historic foodfight, Mr. Larroquette is banned from the Magic Castle, his membership card revoked and told to never go there again. Years later when he was on Night Court they sent him a lifetime membership, which he turned down.
23:41 – Seth’s story about cell phone guy during Shooter at the Arclight
37:27 – Jonathan’s story about being at Whole Foods store in line with crazy stupid woman, thought she was singing “Video Killed the Radio Star,” but she’s really mumbling to herself: Yeah, it’s the only bars that fill me up, and the great thing about filling me up is I can’t not eat. Granted, I am going to incorporate exercise into the diet soon, but if I can shave 200 calories off the diet that’d be great. Her card keeps getting declined and she’s like, Well I have $1,400 in my account. They’re probably freaking out because I just bought a laptop. She took 15 minutes in the express lane.
46:04 – The last time Jah got a peace signal from someone he was on his way to the UYD studio last week. He pulled over a little to the left because he saw a motorcycle coming down the middle row, the biker flashed Jah the down-low riders-only peace sign
47:21 – The greatest thing Seth ever got was from a friend of his named Sam Ball – at the beginning of the anthrax scare it had Seth’s name cryptically written with no return address. It was a burned Anthrax CD with a note that said YOU HAVE ANTHRAX.
7:22 – Jah got duped into seeing Shooter after Seth fully endorsed it the week before. Jah: “It’s pretty bad. It’s Rambo 3, basically.”
18:59 – Jonathan’s Fabolous story. His friend worked at a record store in the hip hop section. Guy came up to him and said “Hey, I don’t see the Fabolous record. Where is it?” Friend says, “I don’t know, we might be out of them. Just get the Jah Rule record, it’s the exact same thing.” Looks up and the man talking to him is Fabolous
1:00:25 – Jonathan’s story about convincing girls as a teen to raw-dog because he smoked the seeds and was shooting blanks
1:31 – Jah receives the following text message: OMG. LOL. UYD.
24:13 – Seth’s little league team’s first four batters were lefties: Kevin Fitzgerald leading off b/c he always got on base, Seth hit second because he could drag bunt, Brian Snow third and Sean Gurten hitting cleanup
28:21 – Jonathan’s story about group of brothers at club holding an empty bottle of Cristal, passing it around and taking pictures
44:02 – Seth watching Grindhouse at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, guy in back of theater yells “Overboard!!” when he sees Kurt Russell… later, says “Your Name’s Cash!!”
45:03 – Seth is standing on Hollywood Boulevard and sees a black Shrek, Freddy (gets up in Seth’s grill) and Jason, Pinhead, Michael Jackson, Superman (Christopher Dennis – crystal meth addict) and Jack Sparrow
48:25 – Seth is enthralled by watching Maury Povich’s fat babies segment: “You Al Qaedas can have your 70 virgins. I want four 100-pound 2-year-old babies pushing each other. One baby is so fat she carries a purse to keep food in it.”
50:27 – Jonathan’s story about fat mom and daughter at gas station – paranoid mom snaps at Middle Eastern woman behind counter: “I heard what you said…”
4:24 – Jah was buying Easter candy at a Target which was a melee the day before Easter. Two girls came in with crazy super butch shaved flattops with shit carved into the head, and both had hip-hop Insane Clown Posse t-shirts with the fruits Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope in their gear
5:54 – Seth had a rough Friday the 13th. He woke up and had a flat tire. Talked to his mother later in the day and she had a flat tire on the front driver’s side as well. Before Jonathan arrived he had a full allergic Will Smith Hitch reaction to something, so Jah had to bring him some Benadryl. He left a message for Jah: “Jonathan, my lungs are shutting down. I just want to tell you this. I love you and UYD 4 Life.” He also forbade Jah for carrying on the show without a dead Seth
13:58 – Seth and Jonathan talk about failing at the lemonade fast – Seth lasted seven days and Jonathan lasted eight hours. Seth watched Team America on day 6 and was laughing so hard that he told Jonathan to stop laughing because it was exhausting him too much
41:07 – Seth celebrated Earth Day with Jerry Cantrell and Jonathan two years ago at Woodley Park. Jah recalls an all-white reggae band playing at that event
54:26 – Seth’s story about doing market research for a bad Michael Madsen procedural Suspects – people who don’t know how to turn the damn dial left or right. People are laughing out loud at the worst parts. Seth: “Guy next to me, nodding like this is awesome. No it isn’t.” Last one Seth went to before this was for Naked Juice Drinks – he had to go up to a board with 12 of their different drinks and pick his 3 favorite. Seth: “Every single person put Naked Green Machine, Naked Pomegranate. You stupid assholes!” (1:00:22)
58:20 – Seth sees Johnny Drama and E smoking butts and drinking Heinekens, laughing and clinking bottles at the back door of one of their screenings
6:43 – Seth met MLB pitcher Barry Zito at his old job where Alyssa Milano would bring him in for nutritional counseling. Seth tells him he’s a baseball fan and so Zito thinks he can relate to this: “Yeah, you know when you’re in Cleveland in the dugout and they serve that awful food?” Seth: “Umm, yeah, I hate the food in Cleveland’s dugout – what the fuck are you talking about?!!”
16:52 – Seth’s Psychiatry Museum story – the crazy Australian Scientologists try to lock Seth. When Seth comments on the Dante-esque door and says it’s a little scary, the guy says “Yeah psychiatry is scary.” Seth: “The door, dick.” Seth signs in as a professional podcaster. The room themes he sees in the museum are: 1) padded psych room, 2) dungeon, 3) Nazi concentration camp, 4) racism, 5) electroshock therapy in a hospital ward, 6) Columbine HS, 7) jail cell with peed psychiatrists. They were wearing the full hypnosis outfit – khakis and denim, the same reason Seth can’t handle going into a Restoration Hardware (24:38)
19:30 – Jonathan and Justine and Seth went to some dude’s house to eat vegan food a while back but they were sure they were going to get killed – they called and left a message on their answering machine telling people where they were in case they died. It ends up being the best thing ever
44:13 – Jonathan’s story about singing “Our God Is An Awesome God” at a Presbyterian church lock-in. Jonathan went to bring flowers to a girl from the church with great legs at a production of Madame Butterfly a couple days later and was totally rejected by her
49:05 – Seth references the “Fag Test” where you put your wrist out, somebody takes a sharp object and dug in, whoever could leave it there the longest without pulling it away won
50:19 – Jonathan did similar tests where he got cigarette burns from waging friendships; lay forearms side by side and lay cigarette in crux of two forearms. His seventh-grade girlfriend got obsessed with Sid & Nancy and carved S&N into his arms and it got infected. (two weeks later singing Our God Is An Awesome God at the Presbyterian church)
54:51 – Thieves snapped the year of Seth’s license plate to put the sticker on their own registration in 2003. Seth went to the DMV, the lady threw the plate in a box with 10 others that it had happened to. Seth’s ’77 Chevy Cheyenne had cablights and old license plate, but got the new license plate with the cursive California. On top of that, he got pulled over on New Year’s Eve for having colored cablights, wakes up on New Year’s Day and there’s already a ticket from LAPD on his windshield. He finally brings the truck to the Armenians’ truck, and he just gives it to them – and leaves his bootlegged Guns n Roses tape in the tape deck from when they played the Avalon in 1987
5:31 – While Seth is doing pre-pro, Jonathan accidentally calls Seth while his Blackberry is in his pocket and he is talking to someone about his identity theft problems, etc. Seth also explains that Jonathan is one of those tailenders who finishes up a conversation with another dude and then comes in to the current phone conversation. After 10 seconds Seth realizes he isn’t tailending it, he accidentally called
7:08 – Jah had accidentally dialed Seth when Jah was in the middle of a full therapy session. Jah heard a tiny little voice coming from his crotch area and panicked. Seth could hear crying from the Jah-man
11:00 – CVS overexposes film from Seth’s disposable cameras. Seth is pissed that he loses 27 phenomenal photographs. Jonathan thinks that Seth is one of 3 people still in that world who develop disposable camera film. He thinks the CVS people aren’t even trained to handle the machines. (12:11)
14:18 – On Mondays Seth goes to his supermarket and reads his Newsweek. It doesn’t get delivered to his house until Tuesday but it’s on newsstands on Monday, which makes him furious. He reads it in the Pavilion on Melrose by the bathroom
16:48 – Seth was at Sunset Junction last year and there were people getting chiropractic work done there
0:51 – Jonathan has seen Radiohead three times and it’s changed his life twice. He saw Radiohead at the Greek Theatre – Jah was working at a music store at the time and had scalped tickets. Lead singer Thom Yorke walks in the music store and talks to Jah about some of the gear. Jah tells him he’s a huge fan and Thom said he’d put him on the list, and he writes down Amir’s name to have a ticket waiting for him. Stage manager comes back with wadded-up piece of paper to get Amir in. Five minutes later Radiohead walks on stage. “Best show ever. Changed my life.”
9:38 – Jonathan’s story about being discovered as “The Wizard” after he had gotten clean
26:19 – Somebody was talking to Jonathan about drinking a 40 and Jonathan wondered where you would even get a 40 – he suggested you’d have to order them off the internet and can’t remember the last time he saw one. It took Jah a half-hour to park and he saw four people getting arrested right there
26:45 – On Sunday, Seth saw dudes down on the ground, cops on them with guns drawn at 3:30 in the afternoon. Jah: “Somebody buy this show so we can get Seth out of here. My car’s days are numbered here.”
47:47 – Jonathan’s hilarious road rage story with a WWII vet: “I wanted to rape him.”
52:35 – Seth watches the documentary Zoo, where a group of dudes bone Arabian stallions. Jah quotes Seth: “A giant San Francisco cock isn’t enough for you? You need to get fucked by a horse? Some giant double dildo huge huge gay human cock isn’t enough for you that you got to be fucked by the horse?”
1:01 – Jah was straight edge for a while. He put an "X" on his hand. He didn’t smoke, drink, eat meat or fuck
49:33 – Seth was a junior in high school and remembers the hallway he was in when he saw a kid wearing a COWABUNGA Bart Simpson t-shirt and was wondering who that was
52:40 – Jah is a Lost watcher, which he doesn’t talk about. During this week’s episode his HD signal messed up and he called around to ask friends to TiVo it, but someone finally tells him to just download the episode from iTunes for $1.99
0:55 – Bank of America guy on phone with Seth tells him to “wait until the witching hour” for his transaction to post
2:04 – Seth is at The Dressing Room in Sherman Oaks (5 ingredients of a salad free, then 0.65 for each extra ingredient), where he goes in under the alias ‘Jack.’ Never thought he’d get a better celeb there than Jessica Simpson. He’s there on Tuesday when in walks Jamie Luner, then Heather Langenkamp walks in and they’re talking (both were in Just The 10 Of Us)
6:42 – Jonathan talks about going onto JeffBridges.com and reading the weirdo Brit posters on the message board
24:43 – Last summer, Seth punched the wall and screamed at Mother Nature because of how hot it got for a six-day stretch in L.A.
27:40 – Seth’s story about going to Rose Bowl Flea Market, seeing Jason Schwartzman in an Oxford shirt and khaki shorts. Sees a lot of tan people with yin-yang tattoos. Dude selling open used VHS movies – Metro and Little Nicky, 2 for $5. Nazi necklaces - $15. Jonathan would go there and buy all kinds of dremel bits that he’ll never use
33:46 – Seth goes to the set of The Half Hour News Hour to watch his friend Kurt Long tape the show and do rehearsal, etc. Seth is eating Cheetos and there’s a weird jittery dude eyeballing him, Seth kind of ignores him. Two other dudes were working on a cable and were going to cut it but didn’t have a knife. Jittery dude goes “Neither one of you guys have knives? You’re obviously not married!” Seth looks at Kurt, who explains that it’s the warm-up guy and he’s the worst ever, that he told a joke about NSync working at Burger King and saying “Fries Fries Fries!” Seth runs back down to the set to hear the dude telling some of his wack jokes: What’s your name? Matt? I got one of you on my front porch? Jim – snap into a Slim Jim. Bob? Jim, Bob – Hey Jim Bob, I married my cousin! … Did you see the news today – they actually captured Osama Bin Laden. He was hiding behind Angelina Jolie’s lips! Seth observes that there is another thing sitting in the crowd that they don’t know where it’s a man or a woman. Jokes continue: I almost didn’t get here, I drive a Ford Tortoise. It goes 0 to 60... eventually. I used to drive a Dodge Neon. You know why they call it a Neon? Knee on the wheel, knee on the dash, etc.
40:39 – Jah also used to see several wack warm-up dudes when he would go to tapings of Night Court. They would figure out who Jah was and he was automatically the volunteer
1:45 – Listener Christine (insurance adjustor) tells of crank caller: “I got an injury. Mack Butts. Show me your tits.”
10:30 – While at Hollywood Park, Seth overhears a dude saying “Yeah, he fucked an Arabian stallion, it was on the news.” Seth is tempted to chime in on Zoo but holds off after he hears the 60-year-old female bartender say “Better hold on tight.”
13:41 – Jonathan being an asshole during his private tour of Sony Theaters with wife and in-laws: “…Yeah, you know, it’s like back when I was on the Night Court set… I was a lot kid.”
30:05 – Jonathan admits to going to a tanning bed to get a base tan for his trip to Hawaii after Seth calls it exactly
37:15 – Jah saw Seinfeld the other day driving his crazy blue Porsche in Sherman Oaks, Seth got Justin Chambers driving
1:34 – Seth used to have Varnays back in eighth grade, he also used to have, he also had chums that he would wear as a necklace. He also had a Pop Swatch and would take the faceplates off and put them down on their crotches
10:27 – Jonathan retells the story of the guy walking by with a stack of Garbage Pail Kids, 20 minutes later walking back out of the comic book store with the same stack (originally told in Episode 037, 41:07)
19:53 – Jonathan was in a sketch with Jon Lovitz. His dad was hosting Saturday Night Live so he went to New York with him, and the producers put Jah in a sketch. Lovitz was playing Picasso in a restaurant and his punchline was “I’m Picasso!” Jah played a kid doodling on a piece of paper, and shows it to Picasso, then Picasso signs it and makes it worth something. Jah got a $358 check for the sketch. Randy Newman was the musical guest.
27:18 – Jonathan’s story about going to Topanga Days. He explains there was still some allure from the 60s and 70s, then there’s just this other element that’s just the tired, run-down, sad and forgotten and sun-drenched and booze-ridden ex-hippies. It cost $15 for admission. John Doe was playing on stage by himself, and Jah says he did the shittiest Joni Mitchell cover. Jah sees dudes he used to see around back in the day who are still doing the same thing and drinking like crazy. He saw the hottest 15-year-old hippie girls walking around, one of them talking to another saying “…yeah he’s really cute he’s like Jack Sparrow.” Jah walks by the “healing” section and a poetry writing group where you could get a custom poem, then sees Andy Dick standing in the poetry reading tent being hugged by eight little kids. He sees a lot of weird rashy fucked-up ankles
55:39 – Seth’s story about working with John Larroquette in a movie, catching an extra with a notebook, writing about being up front and thinking John Larroquette is gay
1:03 – Seth standing at a crosswalk and overhears a couple talking about this funny SNL skit called “dick in a box”
2:03 – Seth was at a quaint little street fair in LA where he would expect things like petting zoos, rock climbing and some kettle corn. He got all that, but he also got a gang of scientologists up in his grill handing him a brochure and DVDs talking about the creepy psychiatry museum from Episode 061
3:25 – Jah used to take swimming lessons at Pan-Pacific Park, and was petrified of the Orthodox Jewish kids in the locker rooms because they all had shaved heads and ringlets – he tells his mom that he thought they were punkers and that they were going to beat him up
5:32 – Jah sitting at a Starbucks sees what he thinks is a husky man, but can’t figure out what brand of shemale this is – overhears her talking about Seraphim Falls
10:31 – Seth was filling out a questionnaire at the optometrist and one of the questions was GENDER AT BIRTH? Seth had not seen this before. When Jah was in the 6th grade he was exposed to the “Penis at 12” syndrome, and he had to make sure the girls he were dating didn’t suffer from it
13:36 – Jah in a 7-11 overhears two bros getting excited about 50 in a Source magazine
41:22 – Seth had a Pac Man painter’s hat with the tails, and Jah thinks that is the best thing ever. Seth’s friend Donny Hills had one too. Jah had a similar painter’s hat with tails and a rat tail to go with it
42:03 – Jah watched some dudes on a corner who were really good at breakdancing and he ran up and tried to breakdance with him. His mother was so embarrassed that she ran up and grabbed him and pulled him away
14:41 – Seth’s story about reading obsessive fan mail from Jolie that was sent to Jay Leno in March ‘98 left behind by his former roommate and Tonight Show P.A. Seth reads some excerpts: “…are you mad at me because I went to the Icehouse? … Your show’s really funny tonight. You look better now than when you first did when I met you. You seem to have more life in you. I love that movie Little Mermaid. …” Jah: “I am so hard right now. I’ve never been so hard in all my life.” (19:16)
1:20 – Jonathan dictates a paper he wrote in high school on his field trip to Benjamin Hill, Mexico. “…I was put somewhere to get away from the crap in my life and get completely engulfed in a different culture’s crap; to the point of forgetting about all the crap I had back at school and at home. The growing I did at B Hill with the natives was one thing, but I must comment on the amount I grew with others from my own school. …”
7:30 – Jah explains that his host in Benjamin Hill, Mexico, named Cain, found out early on that Jah was looking for weed and took him to a dude’s house (scariest guy Jah’s ever met) and he bought a huge bag of crazy marijuana from him. He got down toward the bottom of the bag and realized there was half a gram of cocaine lining the bottom of the bag and he’d been smoking a bag of coco puffs the whole time he was there. Cain also set up a movie viewing experience in Jah’s room with a film projector and the dirtiest Mexican porn Jah had ever seen. All of Jah’s friends were in there watching it while smoking coco puffs, and halfway through the movie Jah got a raging hard-on and forced everyone out of the room except for one girl, and had terrible coked-out awful sex with her while a crazy porn is playing on the projector in the background. He found this girl on Myspace recently, she’s married now, he sent her a message congratulating her on the baby and she never responded. Cain was 30-something years old and still in high school, he had a beautiful wife. He had two girlfriends who were 15-year-old high schoolers. Jah recalls he was a terrible man. Months later a teacher came up to him at school and said they kept getting phone calls at school from a man named Cain, because Jah had promised to send crazy shit down to Mexico for him. Jah recalls driving around the hills of Mexico in Cain’s pickup truck with a home stereo system rigged out in the back playing “Rastaman Vibration” and teaching them all the lyrics.
11:12 – Jonathan and Seth went to the Gelson’s in Valley Village about a year ago this weekend and made a bet: they had to pick 5 celebrities they thought they might run into. Seth recalls picking Carmen Electra and Tara Reid. As Jah got food, Seth went up and down the aisles and could not get a single celebrity. As they were walking out, Seth did see the father from Life Goes On, Bill Smitrovich
11:54 – It took Seth a year to go back to the Gelson’s in Valley Village to buy a Balance bar and an apple, sees a pregnant woman, smiles, then the man next to him, Jason Priestly. He shakes his hand, looks him dead in the eye and says “You are the greatest.” Wife starts laughing, Priestly thinks he might be kidding, then Seth says he’s totally serious.
13:55 – Jonathan saw Nicholson broken down on side of PCH with a flat tire. Jah rolled over and started to turn in, then saw it was Nicholson and rolled out
48:49 – Identical twins scare the fuck out of Seth. He watched Good Morning America the other night at 3 a.m. and sees identical quadruplet boys speaking secret telekinetic languages to each other. GMA has been following them their whole lives and now they’re on there at age 18. They’re asked about their secret language and the one who speaks for the group says “No, it’s more advanced now. We do it with their eyes.” Seth deletes it immediately, goes to bed and tries to never think about it again
0:40 – Jonathan gets an e-mail from a listener who is also a doctor; explains the twins phenomenon
31:09 – Seth smoked three cigarettes at the Grateful Dead concert at the Boston Garden in 1991
14:16 – Jah has had dudes flash MLO at him before (Malibu Locals Only)
18:14 – Seth is going to let Bruce “Bruno” Willis off the hook. He was fighting not to see Live Free or Die Hard and the only way he didn’t get duped into it was sitting on his couch and walking the 1993 film starring Bruno, Striking Distance.
20:48 – Jah owns rescued dogs who are afraid of fireworks so he doesn’t go out on the 4th of July. While he was at home he watched a movie called Click, then gives us a recap of it
33:20 – Last year Seth watched The Da Vinci Code at the Arclight at 6 a.m. He was back on July 3 of 2007 to watch Transformers at 7 a.m. He says there was a riff-raff rough bunch there. Guy comes out, “Good morning! You’re at the Arclight! What’s your favorite Globolatron?”
35:22 – Seth went to see Passion of the Christ when it came out and there was a dude who left early and left a bag there, and Seth thought they were all dead (Episode 018, 37:46). He also sat next to a nun on his flight from Pittsburgh, and he didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing
42:03 – When Seth had a pickup it was on; he had women jumping into the bed and cab of his Chevy Cheyenne
42:29 – Seth went to the 7-11 at the corner of Sepulveda and Venice and it blew his mind – they turned the 7-11 into a Qwik-E-Mart. Seth had to wait in line for 20 minutes before he got in. Saw pink sprinkled donuts and other Simpsons paraphernalia
11:41 – Seth saw two movies that he thought were going to be the greatest movies ever. One turned out to be entirely unwatchable (You, Me & Dupree) and one was completely prescient (Biodome). Jah sings it out: “All we want is life beyond Biodome.” (14:23)
14:44 – Seth watched 24 hours of Live Earth. At one point he was watching it with a 14-year-old girl. When Sting came on with The Police, she looked at him and said, “Is that Bono?” Seth looked at her and said, “Yes.”
34:00 – Seth admits to wearing Jordan cologne; Jonathan wore Joop! and “a grip” of Drakkar Noir.
9:30 – Jah used to live in a rougher area. There was one especially creepy dude that he would see every day, and he found him on the Megan’s Law website and discovered he really was the creepiest dude ever
22:18 – Seth is hesitant to talk about sports because a UYD listener e-mailed Jonathan and said last week’s episode was good because there was no sports stuff in it. Jah: “I love the sports stuff because I wasn’t a very good athlete in school. I was, up until the point that I found other things to fill my time with.”
27:23 – Seth got an oversize sweater (green with red trim) that says JUST HEAR THOSE RING DING BLING A ZING “However the fuck that goes, it says that, crocheted in.” He bought it for $333.
41:24 – Seth holed himself up in Abiquiu, N.M. – got a bottle of Jack Daniels, drove into Santa Fe to get a USA Today to make sure the world hadn’t ended yet (originally mentioned in Episode 052, 19:48)
49:28 – Seth met Corey Feldman at the world premiere of Bad Wives. The only hitch was that they took the pornographic scenes out of the film for the premiere’s sake
51:08 – One of Seth’s friends was at Griffith Park, and saw one-half of OutKast. Another person whispered to him, “Do you know who that is? That’s Andre 2000.”
25:49 – While Seth was donating blood at the Children’s Hospital, he saw a McDonald’s in the hospital. Seth: “Have some fries with that leukemia.”
27:22 – Field agent Brian from Brooklyn goes to a Police concert in NJ – dude in front of him had a mullet, a NASCAR hat and a tattoo of Darth Maul. Dude has buddy with rat tail, they proceeded to hug each other and sing lyrics of Police to each other
31:19 – Jonathan saw the Harry Potter movie with Amir the night before. Jah doesn’t read the books, he just sees the movies. It was them, and two other pairs of dudes sitting in the entire theater
39:00 – Jonathan’s story about the hippie driver in front of him with an ’89 Subaru hatchback adorned with dozens of bumper stickers – “Visualize Using Your Turn Signals,” “John Stewart for President ’08,” “HumanKind – Be Both,” “It’ll Be A Good Day When Schools Have All The Money They Need And The Air Force Has To Hold A Bake Sale To Buy A Bomber,” “Where Have All The Hippies Gone?,” “We’re Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them,” etc.
43:24 – Seth’s dad, Tommy McFadden and Bruce Merrell had tickets to see Elvis on Wednesday, August 17 at the Cumberland County Civic Center in Portland, Maine – but Elvis died on Tuesday, August 16. Seth wanted the ticket but Seth’s dad had it framed and put up in Bruce’s barber shop
5:07 – Jah gets an e-mail the other day from a listener who is an ecologist living in Hungary. He found out about the show from a friend named Wendy. Wendy found out about the show when she was hitchhiking through Texas and ther person who picked her up had 20 episodes on her iPod and they listened to them on their road trip. Wendy peeped it, spread the word and now UYD is Hungary for more. Jah wants the listener who picked up Wendy to “holla back for a dope cock in your mouth.”
8:14 – Seth sang “Paul Revere” at his 8th grade talent show; Jah sang “Patience” by Guns N’ Roses with his friend Tyrone, whose dad owned Chrome Hearts. Thirty seconds before they were going to get on stage and Tyrone locked up and said he couldn’t do it. Jah told Tyrone to play the intro, then drop his pick and pretend like he was still playing. By the end of it Jah was a cappella snake dancing
16:19 – Guy sends Jah an e-mail saying “you asked for it…” with a picture of his balls – just 63 episodes after Seth made the original request in Episode 015.
44:01 – Seth was an original member of the Hunkstie Boys at Caleb Dustin Hunking Middle School in Haverhill, MA. He and his boys went out and lip-synced to Paul Revere. During the lip sync session he did the line “I did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a wiffle ball bat,” and he and his dad went to McDonald’s afterward to get a Happy Meal, and his old man was pissed at him
50:23 – Seth’s story about his night terror that was like a ‘Nam flashback and he swept 11 beer bottles off the table (first told in Episode 033)
11:16 – Seth just got some new roommates that are a little creepy – Jah had to be escorted into Seth’s studio prior to Episode 079… woman scraping dead skin off her feet and continues doing so until Jah stares her down… before show, waft of hot dogs; 15 minutes later, violent vomiting into bushes next to studio
31:10 – When Seth saw Miss Teen USA last Friday night and heard Miss South Carolina’s answer, it was one of the purest expressions of joy Seth has ever had in his life. He thought they were going to drop it on UYD and have it take them straight to the top, but like 2 hours later it was on YouTube
35:12 – Jah’s story about the ridiculously hot woman who practically strips right in front of him at the pet store
1:03:49 – Seth revisits the pet store story: “Hot women feel free to show you their vages in public and not think twice about it because it’s like their sister at home.”
6:03 – Seth’s roommates moved out this week. Jah and Seth discuss past stories about said neighbors. There used to be a van about 8 feet from the studio, and they cooked hot dogs and had wild bush vomiting into Seth’s bushes (Episode 079). There was some bathing and foot pumicing going on. Last week there was a note on the notice board – someone in the building next to Seth said “make this stop.” Seth was like, “What do you care? They’re my roommates.”
21:58 – Jonathan’s survival camp story about trying to get a dip can circle worn into his jeans pocket. At the camp, they could only take 2 showers a month. The shower was a furnace that heated water, then the hose went into a bucket with holes poked in it. A girl whom Jah had a huge crush on ran up to him in only a towel and said she couldn’t get the furnace to light. Being a survival aficionado he said he would do it. He tried to light it and it blew out. The girl had turned the gas on and left it running for like 10 minutes. Jah lit it and the entire tent was engulfed in flames. All he could see around him was fire. Jah lost two inches of his hair and both eyebrows and eyelashes in the explosion.
24:40 – Jah and friends at boarding school convince dude that he doesn’t need Ritalin; Jah snorts it while smoking opium; guy walks outside, picks up a boulder over his head and chunks it with a scream: “I like life so much better without my Ritalin!!!”
32:35 – Jonathan was quoted as saying “Naptime, Jew!” after killing someone on Halo on Xbox Live.
1:35 – While driving, Seth sees a dude driving an Escalade with “ESCA” removed to leave “LADE”
2:00 – Jonathan spotted a fat white dude at a gas station wearing a jersey with a Cadillac symbol and ESCALADE written on the back – Jah suspected it was the same dude who Seth saw at the Beastie Boys concert
3:12 – When Seth used to drive his Cheyenne, he had a t-shirt that said THIS IS A CHEVY and he could wear it while driving. Seth: “I’d rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford.”
3:36 – Jonathan is on his way home on Sepulveda at Skirball Center Drive, 10 or 15 cars back and 10 feet behind a Nissan Xterra at a dead stop. All of a sudden the car begins rolling back, Jah starts honking and the car just nails Jah. They can’t pull over, both get out. The other dude (scrawny, late 30s early 40s with glasses) is disheveled, looks at his bumper, says “No damage I guess, it’s cool,” and walks away. Jah asks him if he fell asleep and the dude goes, “No, you just rear-ended me.” Jah gets engulfed in rage and comes at him, saying he ran into him. Dude quickly gets into car and slips a “Fuck you asshole” before shutting the door. Jah spits on the dude’s windshield and gets embarrassed as other cars are just sitting there. Jah chases him along Mulholland through the canyon and calling 911. Dude turns into fire station then pulls back out. Jah is on the phone with California Highway Patrol, they ask him if he’s chasing him and tell him to stop chasing him.
50:52 – Jonathan spots Hillary Duff in public. She was wearing jeans, high heels and a sweater. Jah won’t say where he saw her, but they did make eye contact and she smiled
57:21 – Seth went on iTunes and read the comments for Uhh Yeah Dude. He says they were awesomely funny and crazy flattering
1:01:56 – It took Jonathan 15 minutes to actually speak to somebody after he called 911 while chasing the guy in the Xterra.
19:40 – Seth is watching GMA early in the morning and they’re interviewing Nick Kroll in full Caveman regalia. Introduced a cheerleading squad with children with Downs Syndrome. Camera cuts to a Disney Caribbean outing with a guy playing the steel drums in Times Square. Seth shut it off and laid back on the couch. “How’s your fevered Hunter S. Thompson nightmare you’ve just woken up to?”
21:45 – Jah was playing a part and worked with a dialect coach for an off-broadway production
24:18 – Jah has used steroids, when he was training for a trip he takes every year and does the John Muir Trail – he was 22 years old and felt a little slower. He’d been nursing a knee injury for a full training season. A guy would beat him every year and he couldn’t handle it. He was willing to go to any lengths to win but he lost anyway.
49:49 – Jah played on his boarding school’s ultimate Frisbee team
8:52 – Seth saw Jeff Speakman’s Perfect Weapon the day it came out in Lawrence, Mass., with his good friend Jimmy O’Hern, and Jimmy forgot his wallet and had to sneak back in
9:21 – Seth took a newspaper from Starbucks this week that they didn’t know he had under his arm. Jah stole something too, from a pharmacy, but he can’t remember what it was
19:54 – Jah sees a lady pushing a stroller wearing a shirt that was a spoof on the AIDS campaign ‘Red’ with a shirt that says “hammeRED.”
26:59 – Jah has noticed Starbucks’ new breakfast sandwiches and said the smell is horrendous, and when the cleaning agent they use heats up, it smells so bad. The barista told Jah that it was making her physically sick to stand next to it
1:00:00 – Seth had a gang of celebrity sightings. At his Whole Foods, looks up and sees Laurence Fishburne, then turns around and sees Mandy Moore. Turns around and sees Stephen Weber. Also sees Jerry Espenson, Jeff Goldblum, Seth Rogen, Ali Larter, Zach Quinto and America Ferrera. Jah saw Richard Grieco and talked to him for 15 minutes
11:00 – Seth is coming out of his Whole Foods and sees an 8-year-old penis. He gets a wheatgrass shot, it’s 2 p.m., he’s walking and out of the corner of his eye he sees a little kid standing among the parked cars peeing. The mom is just standing there while he’s peeing, looks at Seth and says “What?!?” Even Seth, who likes to piss outside once a day, is a little more discreet than that.
18:48 – Seth would pour everyone in Brian Peters’ Dodge Caravan and egg people. Jah has never egged anyone in his life, except when he eggs his pan in the kitchen. When he does this he yells “Boo-yah! What’s up now, faggot!”
25:20 – Jah believes in miracles b/c he got a Grateful Dead ticket with no money standing outside of a show
29:21 – About a year and a half ago, Jah ran into a guy who used to work at Fred 62. Guy asked Jah if he was on Myspace, then told him that he’s “gotten so much poon from that place.” Jah wrote down his page, and Jah had a panic attack when he looked it up. Guy is 35 – old enough to know better.
36:29 – Jah came across a Youtube clip of a taxi driver falling asleep and waking up and hitting a wall. On the comments it said the dude died, Jah didn’t believe it, then did the research and confirmed it.
10:30 – Seth spent one night at UMass and it was typical college fare – fire extinguisher going off, he saw both pantsless men and women in the hallways, saw a lot of Schlitz canned beer being consumed, some marijuana being smoked
19:26 – Jah tells story about cyberskin mouth/throat sex toy that he bought and is found by his housekeeper Mima
28:29 – At movie theater, Seth spots woman in denim shorts, fanny pack, visor: “One for Ben Stiller.”
30:22 – Seth is in traffic on Melrose and Rossmore, and hears a homeless guy carrying on an animated and intense discussion with a poster for Women’s Murder Club
31:21 – Jah watched a dude in traffic once gazing up at a Bacardi poster, looking at one of the girls like he was ready to bone down
39:40 – Seth’s story about going to a Carnivale in Hollywood after doing whippets and mushrooms behind a port-a-potty; makes out with a girl on the front lawn of someone’s house, gets a ride home from her (drunk), crossing over Gower the girl drives past the turn, then makes a premature turn at Plymouth and goes up on the curb… Seth walks away, he and his friends hear her yelling; they go to another house and drink GHB
0:57 – Seth was standing on a sidewalk during the Halloween celebration in West Hollywood and saw a man dressed up as Mystery from The Pickup Artist. Oh wait, it was Mystery – and Seth shook his and Matador’s hands, then walked down the Boulevard with Mystery as his wingman.
2:34 – Jah winds up in costume as a Deadhead. He’s standing outside of a club waiting to get in when a dude drives by and yells out the window, “You’re all faggots!!” Jah’s friend sees someone dressed as Blossom, except it was not a costume
8:56 – On Santa Monica and La Cienega, Seth partied at the Alta Cienega Hotel in Room 32 – Jim Morrison’s room – on Halloween night. Seth describes it as the tiniest room ever with a bed, small table, and everything – wall, floor ceiling – has been scrawled with graffiti and illustrations. Seth says if you walk out to the window and look out the window to the world and look up, it will read JIM’S FAVORITE PODCAST: WWW.UHHYEAHDUDE.COM
10:37 – Jah passing out candy on the porch when a teen in skeleton hoodie and gloves says, “Hey, can I get some candy from you?” Jah: “I think you’re supposed to say ‘Trick or Treat.’” He digs into the bowl; his friend comes up, takes one thing and says “I ain’t greedy.” First kid says “I am. Feel my bag.” And drops the 13-lb bag on Jah’s lap. Jah: “First of all, your costume sucks, you’re 15 and you walk up and say ‘Hey can I get some candy from you?’ Not trick or treat? You’re not even going to give me the pleasure?”
14:50 – Seth saw a homeless guy today holding a sign that said COULD YOU HELP ME? RESIDENTIALLY CHALLENGED. Seth didn’t help him b/c he didn’t like his attitude
15:27 – Jah’s story about a homeless guy spitting on his window at an off ramp outside of Las Vegas – he was having an argument with Justine while they were lost. Pulled up to a red light, looked at dude and looked back in heated conversation. Light turned green and dude hocked on the car. Jah thought about stopping but thought to himself that the dude has stabbed four people this morning: “He was so fucking scary looking.”
13:00 – Seth called some 976 sex lines back in the day, so did Jah. Jah babysat for a friend in the neighborhood and is sure he got wrecked for those things (Episode 037, 57:34).
15:15 – Seth called the Setai Hotel in the morning. After he wakes up he has to have a few hours where he doesn’t have any human contact or speaking because he has the “morning frog.” He called in the morning because he thought it would give his voice more gravitas so he would sound sophisticated. He told the receptionist he would be down there this weekend and wanted to know how much Friday and Saturday would be. Cost is $2,100 a night.
51:06 – Seth reminisces on the time when the thought of calling 911 would send you into a state of abject panic. Neither of them has called 911 – except for when Jah spit on the guy’s windshield on Sepulveda and chased him across the canyon (Episode 083)
54:10 – Jah is going to see the Ween at the Wiltern tonight. The last time he saw them was at the Wiltern – they played for 3 ½ hours, and that was the same night they lost 19-8 to the Yankees in Game 3 of the 2004 ALCS before making their historical comeback
3:03 – There was a used condom just outside the door of Jah’s car when he parked at his job today
13:04 – Seth used to work at a video store, they had a gay movie section that they would put rainbow stickers on the boxes. They used to jack them and put them on other people’s bumper stickers
22:54 – Jah ran into Mayim Bialik 24 hours after he told the story about the girl dressed up as Blossom on Halloween. Jah knows Mayim b/c she played John’s daughter on a TV show. She said he’d gained so much weight, then she puked, and she thought it was the craziest thing ever
24:02 – Seth was at a red light about 6 p.m. downtown, looks over and sees a dude leaning against a telephone pole: Kato Kaelin
29:28 – Jah was speaking to two women at a dinner last night. They were talking about putting electric blue makeup and glitter all over their face and wearing Coolio braids and going up to Timothy Leary’s mansion and doing whippets with him
55:11 – Jonathan says the Ween show was awesome. Crowd wasn’t very good looking but there was plenty of 4-20 to go around. Three-hour show. Epic. New songs from the new record. Security not caring about anything, etc.
10:17 – A friend of the show, Timothy, had an art project he started in school called “The Penny Project.” The idea was that b/c it cost too much to make pennies, they would stop making pennies b/c there’s an abundance of them. He’d get people to send them pennies, store them in a giant vault, and then accrue enough of them to where he’d hold them hostage from the U.S. government and make them pay him to release the pennies
23:07 – Seth spots an attractive woman at Santa Monica and Fairfax and notices that it’s the new bad girl from Nip/Tuck (AnnaLynne McCord). Seth tells her she was awesome.
33:39 – Jah’s friend who was a carny told a story about the old-school chef who traveled with the carnival he was with. A lot of hippies had become carnies and were vegetarians, and the chef would do terrible things to the vegetarians like spit in their veggie soup or add bacon to things
1:00:15 – Jah reads an iTunes comment about UYD: “… I hope they are all not longer than about 30 minutes … the one main speaker is a bit much, perhaps he shouldn’t talk as much. … the second-best podcast I’ve heard in a while… the monkeybox is still the best.”
3:20 – Jah’s terrible graphic sinus infection story about getting sinuses scraped – Amir’s dad got one, got sick, goes to bathroom to throw up, gauze goes back into throat, can’t breathe so he’s puking and suffocating to death… has to stick hands in mouth and pull gauze out of throat through raw passages – most excruciating experience of his life
9:42 – Jah has been pulling a couple shifts at the store and there is a 16-year-old girl working there for the holiday season. She listens to some dope stuff but also some Soulja Boy, reinstilling Jah’s faith that we aren’t too far gone. She went to the bathroom and couldn’t find the switch; Jah tells her there’s a string on the ceiling. She replies, “What?! A string to turn the light on?! That’s so old school!” Jah realizes that he’s in fact dead.
22:21 – Jah’s story about his mom getting hammered at the Ivy on mojitos – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes show up, Jah’s mom says, “You know what I think, they’re taking pictures of the wrong people. They should be taking pictures of all of you, because you’re all beautiful.”
25:46 – Jah’s story about being at the Staples Center for a Lakers game – Jack Black appears on the jumbotron in a pre-recorded tape, cuts to live action of him sitting on floor, then it cuts to Jah on jumbotron, then to Jack Black, then back to Jah, etc. 5,000 people say something to Jah on the way out of Staples Center … four days later in Hollywood, dude asks him “Hey were you at the Laker game?” A week later, beautiful girl in Mexican restaurant: “Were you at the Laker game a week ago?”
29:16 – Jah was at a coffeehouse, hears a dope song, is loving it, then finds out it’s the new Britney Spears record
4:37 – Seth is waiting at a red light, sees what he thinks is a Honda Accord, but it says Porsche 914 on the back. Seth describes it as a Civic and an an Accord and a 280ZX had a baby and it birthed a Porsche 914
7:36 – Jah sees a bumper sticker while in traffic this week: “Got Christ?” and in tiny letters, “It’s hell without him.” Another one: “Real Men Pray.” Seth sees another bumper sticker: “Searching for Christ? Find his mother” on a creepo rape van
1:02:16 – Jah hears that Tara (a.k.a. ohemgeeitsme) posted her boobs on the forum
1:46 – Seth sees a license plate on a Jetta on the freeway: RUB1OWT. Seth gives him the thumb’s up, dude with huge sunglasses nods at Seth like yeah.
2:40 – Jah sees a license plate on a Passat at the Hollywood Bowl: JSTILES. But it wasn’t Julia Stiles. Later, in Culver City, at 3 a.m. he sees the exact same car. It still wasn’t Julia Stiles.
19:59 – Jah goes to Great Western Forum to see Lakers in late 90s, on the way out he goes out The Forum Club exit, all the Laker Girls are hanging out in sexy clothes – Jah sees a faded Snoop Dogg standing next to him. Group of 4 Hispanic dudes freak out and run up to him, saying “Snoop! Keep it real yo! Compton!” Snoop’s like, “Yeah, yeah.” Jah hears him under his breath say “Yeah, odelay and shit.”
23:25 – Seth rode an elevator with Tupac Shakur at the Beverly Center. It was Seth, an elderly Asian woman and Tupac. On eighth floor, Tupac gets out, little 10-year-old kid getting on and goes bonkers. Tupac went to do his business and the kid followed him, jumping up and down.
26:59 – Jah was in third grade, teacher walked out and another teacher at door told her about the Challenger explosion, she was sobbing
27:29 – Seth was sitting on the lawn at an assembly in 8th grade, Mrs. Sullivan leaned in and whispered in his ear: “Len Bias is dead.”
35:13 – Seth had a buddy who did time at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility. They would serve a balogna sandwich and an orange and a carton of milk for meals. They keep it at 40 degrees so viruses won’t spread. They would let them watch Friends in a common room at 7:30, then would shut it off at 5 minutes to 8:00 and call for bedtime. Seth claims this is why the recitivism rate is so high because they won’t let them finish the episodes (Episode 007, 15:48).
55:06 – Story about Jah’s crazy neighbor: “You’re always playing drums. No, that’s my neighbor. I do electronic music. Oh, you make beats!” Three months ago, he hears violent screaming, that neighbor is being strapped onto a stretcher being shoved into the back of an ambulance. Rolls back in a few days ago and Jah sees him smoking a cigarette, lost weight, head shaved. Same dude who introduced Jah to a crazy homeless woman at a convenience store. Asked Jah for money.
58:24 – Jah gets grifted again. Lovely early 30s black woman comes to his door and says she came from a battered marriage and was put to work through an organization that is helping her sell magazine subscriptions. Jah buys two subscriptions for like $170: Automobile magazine and Domino magazine.
23:30 – Jah drives by a luxury used car dealership by his house around 9 p.m., sees a person out there bundled up and drawing a basket of presents on a wall mural. When he comes back at 3 a.m. she’s still drawing. Leaves next morning at 10 a.m. and she’s still there, etc. For 4-5 nights this is going on. Ends up with Santa Claus in a Model T, and then “Drive Your Dream” written in the background. It sucks.
1:06:05 – The Jogger show went awesome
1:11 – Jah got his hair cut by one of Jonathan Antin’s minions and came out looking like Kenny G. It was shiny and hard and gelled and he felt like an asshole. He was in the studio with Wag and he came back and they were like “Looks good, dude,” but Jah was sure they were thinking it was horrible. There were the hottest girls working there, and he recalls seeing Jonathan Antin there also. He also remembers looking over and someone had dropped off a crazy homeless person to get a makeover. The dude tried to start combing her hair and couldn’t even get through one brushstroke
19:47 – Seth and his mom are in Larchmont Village, sees James Spader with his girlfriend and teenage son, introduces himself and his mom since they have the Boston connection. Seth mentions to Spade-dog that he does a podcast with John Larroquette’s son. He also mentions that his 1990 book Separated at Birth: Part 2 by Spy magazine has William Shatner and John Larroquette separated at birth. Spade-dog loves it, and Seth tells him he mailed it to John.
26:28 – Jah sees one of those Indian/Pakistani grifters who do sleight of hand brain-teaser bullshit and engaged him by saying “You are a lucky man.” Jah said “thank you” and kept walking. He tries to figure out if 1) they are all over the country, 2) what is this defacing of a wonderful people, 3) if it’s really profitable, etc. Often they try to walk you to an ATM to get more money from you. Jah admits he got grifted by one of them between 5-10 years ago. Seth has never dealt with one and tries to pull girls away from them on Larchmont. One of Jah and Seth’s mutual friends, referred to as “Lavachielli,” has been known to go off on them
51:58 – Jah waits outside with candy on Halloween night, wearing his Terminator zip-up hoodie. Kid told him he liked his sweatshirt and had the same one in black. Two days later he finds the same one being sold at a kiosk in Sherman Oaks for $50.
53:59 – Seth took his mom to Pinkberry, she got some samples and hated them, so they went to Baskin-Robbins for some ice cream. Michael Rappaport was there and couldn’t control his unruly children
10:18 – Guy Jah knows had an art show in Provo Utah, said it was the scariest place ever. Had an argument but the Mormons couldn’t express their anger with him. Another guy he works with flies out to Provo and searched “gay bars in Provo” and it was blocked from the lobby computer. Got on his laptop, got on their server, still couldn’t search it. Called friend in Australia and asked him to search “gay bars in Provo” and send him the links. E-mail gets confiscated on the way in, so guy has to put them in a PDF file and that finally went through
14:20 – Jah likes to get on headset and talk smack while Amir plays, heard a girl on there arguing with her boyfriend and yelled “Suck my clit!” Jah finds out that she’s 19 years old and is a doughmaster at Pizza Hut
20:18 – First Hummer Seth ever saw was in September 1995, he was driving north on Highland just south of Sunset. An armored tank drives up next to him and Seth flips out. Jonathan remembers seeing the Lamborghini jeep they made in the 80s that was supposed to 120 mph with 4 flat tires across a desert, but it ended up being a complete failure wrought with technical problems. Eddie Van Halen had one and Jah remembers seeing him roll up in Malibu with one and thinking it was the craziest thing ever
1:02:10 – Jonathan did a demo for a cell phone commercial that we don’t know if he’s gotten yet. They wanted something in the vein of Daft Punk, and his demo was well-received. They still haven’t pulled the trigger on it and it’s a little frustrating to Jah. It’s for an unlimited calling plan for Boost Mobile and the plan is called UNLTD
1:15 – Two hours after uploading Episode 098, Jonathan gets a text message that reads GOLDEN CUM ASS, PS I FUCKED YOU, CHARLIE WILSON’S WHORE, 1 MISSED CALLGIRL 18, JEW HO, COCKED HARD: THE DO ME COCKS STORY
7:59 – Jonathan walked into his local Starbucks, said to his barista, John, that the smell from the cleaning products used on the new panini makers was wack, he was told that the smell was a problem and now to combat the smell they’re getting new espresso machines with giant vents on the front to push out more aroma to overwhelm the stench.
39:35 – Jah reveals that Blaise was the name of the kid he was babysitting when he made all those phone sex calls he talked about in Episode 037 and Episode 090
43:19 – Seth is at Hugo’s minding his own business, getting two bowls of soy chorizo honey chipotle, extra guac, extra sour cream, some dude rolls up in a Porsche and yells “Hey! Cowboys gonna lose on Sunday!” Seth just looks back and says “Really?” Dude: “Your boy T.O. ain’t playin’!” Then he peels out against traffic before Seth could think of a witty response
3:36 – Chris, the female worker’s comp insurance adjustor from Hawaii is mentioned again (Mack Butts – Ep. 66). Claim was filed – 21-year-old virgin girl who works at Best Buy was unloading a box of DVDs onto the shelves. In the box was a porn DVD. Girl freaked out, left, went to a therapist. Therapist took her off work with full disability for two weeks. Best Buy denies the claim. Seth is “with” the girl.
19:07 – Jonathan walks into Art’s Deli shortly after his dad had appeared on the view. The 80-year-old woman behind the counter swipes Jah’s card and just stares at the name. Eventually she goes “Are you related to John Larroquette?” Jah: “That’s my father.” Deli person: “We were just talking about him.” Jah didn’t even know he was on The View.
21:54 – Jah had a friend whose mother gave birth to him on acid in the ocean in Hawaii. Seth: “Is that a good start or a bad start?” Jah: “The best start, but the worst start for an actual life arc.” Seth: “How did he turn out?” Jah: “He was a wreck the last time I saw him.”
0:40 – Jah has bought a grip of crazy survival knives after seeing the Rambo movies
11:10 – Jah was on a Dukes of Hazzard Big Wheel, and the two older Mexican kids next door to him convinced him to get off of it and sit on a hill of red ants. He sat on it and the red ants went up his butthole. “But that’s what happens when you walk around naked in an urban neighborhood.”
11:47 – Seth joined the soccer team in high school and it got him on a crazy drinking binge that lasted 15 years. “Thanks seniors. Thanks 15 years of hell.” They made Seth take his asscheeks, open them up and sit down on a soccer ball, then come up and kick the soccer ball out. For two weeks, Seth couldn’t walk. “You don’t understand. It hurt like fuck.” They also took one of his friends in a locked locker, pulled out their pricks and pissed on him.”
14:07 – The day of the Challenger accident, Jah was in third grade when the teacher got news from her door and started crying (first told in Episode 095)
18:18 – Jah watched the Cowboys-Seahawks game with Seth last year when Romo botched the snap. He says Romo blew it this way in a crazy way, but he’s getting super laid.
19:20 – Jah had a celebrity sighting this week – Jessica Simpson at Hugo’s in Studio City with her mother and another woman. Got into a brand-new white Mercedes SUV. Says she was short but super cute.
19:58 – Seth saw Kate Mara of Shooter on the sidewalk when he was turning on Ogden by Fairfax High School
26:20 – Jonathan used to go to Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Santa Monica to pick up lunch because his studio used to be right across the street. Seth used to have a spot there when he was homeless and just read
27:37 – Jah has been helping out his friend, a wardrobe stylist, who has hired him to be an assistant to drive a van and carry heavy stuff. The first morning the job took place, he unloaded the van with his friend and her assistant, then went to park the van. Parking lot was full, so he was told to go to next lot down the street. As he pulls up to the Pasadena-area lot at 7 a.m., it’s completely empty with only the parking attendant there. Rolls down his window, says hi, parks the van. Pulls his cash out when he sees the sign for $8, and the attendant says it’s $13. Jah asks why because it says $8, but the dude says $8 plus $5, and takes the $15 from Jah’s hand and gives him no change. Attendant tells Jah to move his van because it’s too big. Jah’s reply: “Or you could just give me my fucking money back.” Dude gives him the money, and Jah says “You don’t have to be a fucking dick about it, dude.” As Jah pulls out, he winks and waves at the attendant, and the attendant gives him the finger. Jah parks elsewhere for $5, exit he takes dumps him out right in front of the dude. He walks past the guy’s lot to go to the place, and the dude is sitting in his passenger seat. Jah gets as close as he can to him, and open hand smacks on his back window four times real loud, then screams at him “IT’S TOTALLY COOL! I FOUND PARKING SOMEWHERE ELSE!” Then realizes he’s scared the man beyond recognition. Following a long pause, he looks over his shoulder and the dude is in his booth riffling around, then comes out with a 9-iron spitting on himself. At the same time, the shuttle pulls up and the Armenian driver tells the attendant to calm down. Jah joins in and starts screaming at the dude again. As Jah gets in the shuttle van and shuts the door, he realizes all the talent for the photo shoot for that morning are in full hair and makeup, smiling and scared shitless. Armenian guy told Jah that it was $13 because it’s an extra $5 for vans. Seth thinks Jah was in the right
37:50 – Jonathan updates us that he has not received one of his magazine subscriptions he originally talked about in Episode 095 when he got grifted
38:23 – Seth got a parking ticket on Christmas Day – coming home from church with his mother (Christ The King, Rosmore and Melrose), was in his apartment for 15 minutes, walked back outside and had a $65 ticket
40:35 – Jah saw the greatest concert of his life the night they shot Episode 100 – saw Cornelius play at the Walt Disney Hall. He and Amir both declare it “the best live show we’ve ever seen.”
50:25 – Jah ate at a Marble Slab the other day and said it was very good
57:19 – Seth and Jonathan two years ago thought they’d get a handle on things. Thanksgiving 2005, America was in a state of flux. They sat down on a washing machine in Sherman Oaks and wanted to get to the bottom of this. Two years later, they’re 15 years behind, claims Seth.
58:45 – Jah and his dad were talking about Jah needing to make money and get a job that pays him instead of just letting him hang out with MILFs and their dogs, and Mr. Larroquette suggests that Jah gets one of those Second Life jobs where he is hired to play it eight hours a day as another guy
1:00:09 – That story is only to be trumped by Jah’s mother suggesting that Jah become a high-end bodyguard because he’s personable and people would enjoy talking to him. However, she said he’d have to clean up a bit and take martial arts classes
1:02:49 – Jah was watching a reality show Becoming Miss America. One of the judges, a celebrity stylist, commenting on a contestant who put together her own gown: “Ooh, that girl is the Bomb.com.” Seth wants Jah to buy that domain name, but Jah can’t even buy jogger.com.
1:41 – Jah tells UYD listener Bill’s story from a few years back, pulling up to a 7-11 drunk one night. Standing outside the 7-11 was a dude in full fishing regalia and is aircasting into the parking lot. Bill asks him if he’s caught anything good tonight, and the dude snaps on him, walks into the store and starts hitting him with the fishing rod. Dude has cerebral palsy, Bill finally grabs the guy but his hands get hooked on his lures and cuts his hands. Guy keeps hitting Bill harder with the rod and Bill decks the dude, dude falls out through the door and the group outside flips out on Bill, thinking he was picking on the disabled guy
4:31 – Seth says Rambo lived up to the hype – he gave three or four standing ovations during the film
18:36 – The first time Seth learned about the “…in bed” addition to fortune cookies, he was a senior in high school and was out to dinner with his girlfriend’s family at a Chinese restaurant. Her father read the fortune and said something when he finished (“under the sheets”) and Seth cackled to play along, even though he had no idea. Seth also claims this is the only time he’s ever eaten Chinese food.
21:58 – Seth and his childhood homey Peter Martilucci had to go to CCD to learn about Catholicism every week. They would always have baseball hats on, walk in step with each other, take the step into the church and take their hats off
22:37 – Jah’s mother took him to see Stand By Me in Oxnard, and on the drive back Jah was looking out at the ocean, crying his eyes out. She asked him what was wrong, and he said, while sobbing, “I want friends like that.”
47:48 – Seth went to see Mickey Rooney in Malibu at Playhouse West about 10 years ago. Seth had a difficult time focusing on Rooney’s stories because he had enormous balls. He couldn’t believe no one else was noticing this. But Seth did hear one of his stories about busting his leg up on a toboggan in the 1930s. Rooney was recuperating at Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital at age 15; on the 6th floor a woman was being born that he would marry in 1978 as his eighth wife
58:00 – Jah went to watch Arsenio Hall clips with Frank Zappa and thought that 1) He met Arsenio Hall when his dad was on (he had enormous hands); and 2) He was a good talk show host and should be back on the air
1:01:05 – Jah rifles through the people he’s met, then Seth starts rattling off celebrities to see if he’s met them
1:04:43 – Seth has met Jay Leno when he went to see Jeff Goldblum, Goldblum invited Seth and Nick Lang into the green room to do pre-interview
52:03 – Seth is still recovering from Jah’s story in Episode 093 about loving Britney Spears’ new album
54:22 – Jah received a bunch of e-mails from the Craig’s List ad that UYD listener John posted with Jah’s phone number. One of them was a request to sit on opposite beds and beat off on each other, included a photo of his balls hanging over the edge of the bed with his oddly shaped erect penis sticking up
1:05:20 – Jah stopped eating cheese
6:32 – Seth is sitting on his couch on Sunday night contemplating his life, thinking about how old they are and how he can’t work a cell phone. He thinks about his old cell phone number, 323-333-5919, wonders who has his number now and calls it. He hears: “Please enjoy the music while your party is reached,” then hears the Hole song “Violet”, then a chick saying “Hey this is Pistol. Leave a message.” Seth calls again to try to transcribe the message and Pistol answers the phone
16:34 – Jah trimmed his pubes the other day, and asks Seth if he does the same kind of manscaping. Seth says he is camera ready at all times. Jah is so itchy that he doesn’t know what to do. At one point in his life he rolled bald for about a year
33:08 – While at a restaurant together, Seth tells the waitress that Jah is vegan so the kitchen needs to be alerted
42:48 – Jah’s “Awesome God” story from Episode 061 is rehashed when Seth talks about Time Life’s new 30-anthem Christian box set. Seth is heard falling on the floor in hysteria at the recollection of said story
46:02 – Jah spotted a dude his age in a Spuds Mackenzie t-shirt – he almost gave him props, but he was wearing True Religion jeans and killed it
46:15 – Seth saw a dude getting a wheatgrass shot at Jamba Juice wearing a jester hat and a crazy oversized cloak black jacket, bellbottom jeans with hooks down his calves and knees, and big thick 6-inch black sole boots with metal front. Then he sees a normal white dude wearing American Eagle jeans, bad Reebok trainers and an ill-fitting t-shirt and his hair is bleached red. It sends him into a full panic
2:07 – Seth references the porn star Jah saw in the mall, Mr. Marcus (Episode 015)
3:05 – Jah saw a broad walking around Ralph’s the other night with a smudge on her forehead
3:33 – Seth was in the 7-11 across the street from his house last Friday around 7:15 a.m. He was buying a newspaper and was standing behind a woman and a man getting full hot dogs with all the trimmings. There’s only one dude working, Seth doesn’t have any change so he has to wait for the guy to get all his relishes and shit. Seth is puzzled that someone is buying hot dogs at 7:15 in the morning.
7:50 – Seth got grossed out by watching a tape of Gene Simmons having intercourse on the internet
10:40 – Jah used to steal from his lunch truck for about a year, was digging it, and then he just stopped
15:07 – Jah goes into a CVS to get a prescription b/c Justine is sick – had an allergic reaction to Tamaflu with violent vomiting. CVS says they don’t have the anti-nausea medicine that he needs. Dude asks, looks around and finally finds it 20 minutes later sitting on top of a computer. Then he says it will take 15 minutes to fill it. Justine calls him and is vomiting violently. At this point Jah has been at CVS for an hour, and notices that the tag they put on the bag says THIS PRESCRIPTION WAS FILLED IN UNDER 15 MINUTES. Jah can’t believe it.
19:16 – Jah got his friend tickets to Jay Leno b/c his dad’s coming into town; however, he couldn’t get tickets to the Dodgers-Red Sox game that Seth did. Seth wants to pod from Dodger Stadium
28:39 – Seth buys a French vanilla Slim-Fast at a 7-11 for $1.89 on Wednesday and everyone looks at him like he’s a whacko.
29:08 – Jah thanks all listeners who have sent pictures to his phone b/c he finally learned how to see them. He got some dogs in funny sweaters, a sweet vajay-jay – turns out it belonged to the lover of his friend Kami
34:15 – Jah missed the lunar eclipse the night before. Seth saw it while standing on Santa Monica Blvd. among a bunch of other people. He gets in the Plymouth Sundance and hears Jim Ladd on 95.5 KLOS in the middle of a hippie moment, saying he’s going to get a sweater and put on Dark Side of the Moon.
46:05 – Seth watched his Baywatch on WLVI Ch. 55 in Boston with the band he was in, “Mosaic,” made up of Seth, Brian Bowman and Ray Worsdale. They all had a dorm together, and they would get really high and watch Baywatch on Sunday nights and midnight. Seth was the utility player of Mosaic.
52:58 – Jah saw Randy Jackson the other day. He walked in to Earth Café, there was a guy getting money for homeless shelters in L.A. Jah gives the burner dude money. Twenty minutes later he hears horrible singing, and realizes the guy who was collecting money was giving Randy Jackson a little audition: “Cause I’m comin’ … like a heart attack!!!” His friend filmed it and high-fived him afterward
5:49 and 33:58 – Seth wanted to get an earring in 1986 and was beggin his dad for it, but it was not happening with him. His bud Peter Martellucci got his pierced, but not Seth
6:05 – Jah got his first earring pre-body piercing fiasco which he went through (had giant plugs in his ears). He convinced his father when he was 13 or 14 to get an earring, they went to Melrose and he picked out his gold hoop. He put in a stud first and let it heal but he desperately wanted a silver hoop. After he was done, he looked to his dad and said, “OK, it’s your turn,” and Mr. Larroquette got his pierced and kept it in for a long time. … 7:39 – Years later Jah got into body piercing and started apprenticing at a body piercing shop on the Venice boardwalk in the summer, which was “epic.” His bud Mike was the body piercer and a crazy Israeli dude ran the place but was never there. Jah’s first job was to learn how to use the gun. He was really nervous and marked the girl’s piercing out with a pen. She gets them and she’s thrilled, and he does a couple more and gets totally comfortable with it. Another girl comes in and asks for a second hole in both her ears, wanted one higher up in the cartilage. He loads up the gun and decides not to mark this one. He does the first, looks and does the second. Jah looks at her and realizes they’re not even at all. He panics and doesn’t say anything, the girl leaves and he tells Mike he messed it up. She comes back 20 minutes later and Jah offers to take one out, then re-pierce right next to the tender spot. He straightened it out, but only after leaving her with a bleeding hole and swollen ear
11:41 – Jah tried to ramp up sizes in his earlobes too fast and busted out the inner channel of his ear. He cut an artery and there was blood gushing down his neck b/c the guy had a wooden African taper they used which Jah wanted
12:08 – There was a guy named Buzz from New Zealand living in Venice that summer who played didge and taught both he and Mike to play didgeridoo. Jah bought his first didgeridoo from him. At this point Seth tells him to say anything that has nothing to do with hippies
13:13 – Dip back into the didgeridoo topic. Seth: “I can not talk about ponytails, earrings, didgeridoos, drum circles, tattooing, piercings, Venice, skateboarding, surfing. Everything has to be concrete urban for the rest of this show.” Jah: “Yeah, well, then, I got nothing to talk about.” … “If there’s one rule I’ve learned about playing the didge, there’s didgeridoos and there’s didgeridon’ts (47:06)
15:48 – Jah’s sister’s really good friend in high school worked at Straw Hat Pizza (Raw Rat) in Malibu, and 1 out of every 5 sodas that came over that counter had loogies in them
18:00 – Jah saw Tom Hanks on Tuesday in Santa Monica coming out of his therapist’s office. Tom, in sunglasses, looked at Jah and smiled, then put his head down and kept walking
18:35 – On Wednesday, Seth’s day was celebrity-packed. At his Whole Foods he got Dr. Shawn McNamara (Dylan Walsh) from Nip-Tuck and said “Thank you sir;” turns onto Santa Monica Blvd. and sees an Escalade containing Prince in sunglasses in the back seat; then he sees Kid (Christopher Reed) from Kid-n-Play and doesn’t tell him he was the first celebrity he saw in L.A., but he does say “Thank you Mr. Reed for your work;” then he sees C. Thomas Howell
30:10 – Jah befriended a limo driver at one point. When he was 17 the driver was driving him home from a semi-formal dance. The driver took Jah by his Culver City apartment on the way back home and started chopping his coke and offering it to Jah at 4:30 a.m. On his keychain he has a dope boat anchor, and both ends of the anchor are little coke spoons that fit perfectly in his nostrils and he snorts it in front of Jah
39:10 – Seth stopped by a coffeeshop in Koreatown called Hirie Coffee House. It was the biggest place ever and had different themes, they’re open until 4 a.m. They just serve coffee and cakes, and Seth was surprised they sold no booze there. Seth asked the guy behind the counter, “Is this a Korean thing?”
58:22 – Jah and Jogger was going to get $1,000 to play at Mountain View, eat in any one of those restaurants for free and play a lunchtime gig for the multi-billionaires who live there. They told them “maybe next time,” it didn’t happen but Jogger doesn’t know why it didn’t happen
1:00:02 – Jah heard a barista today tell the woman the sizes “small, medium and large;” not bothering to go with the Italian names
8:28 – Seth had a great spot on Mile 6 of the LA Marathon at Lucerne and Rosewood, he pulled the Plymouth Sundance around and parked it. He was enjoying his time until a small Asian woman wearing a USC sweatshirt kept making a peace sign and yelling “Right on!!” every 30 seconds. After an hour and a half, the people trickling through at the six-mile mark are way behind the pace. One dude is stumbling on his cell phone talking to someone saying he’d slow down for them. Another dude is dressed as Marilyn Monroe running by
12:32 – Jah was standing at a Starbucks this week and took note of an extremely pretty girl there. He looks over and there’s a dude in his mid-40s sitting at one of the tables, he’s turned his chair and positioned himself and says “Hey, how’s it going?” Another dude asks him if he knows her and he goes, “No, no, it’s crazy, she just has the perfect eyes for this one thing…” Dude he’s talking to is holding a business card that he has just handed him, asks him if it’s his company, and dude shrugs off
24:42 – Jah has been hiking a lot lately, about 3 miles 3-4 days a week He was hiking and saw Spencer from The Hills on a mountain bike while Jah was in his cool-down phase
28:47 – Jah likes to sneak up on dudes when they’re busily working on their computers at Starbucks and looking at what they’re doing. He watches them do the craziest moves over and over that don’t do anything, just fidgeting so they can keep their eyes looking around
33:43 – Seth tells Jah to name his two favorite peanut memories: 1) Jah had just gone into town and gotten stuff for his kitchen and he was crazy blazed and started making a sandwich. His dad would make fried peanut butter, banana and honey sandwiches and so he replicated one with some Cookie Crisp cereal on it. He bit into it and it was the best-tasting thing he’s ever had. On his second bite he had a peanut butter choke (happens to him at least twice a week to this day) when he started laughing; 2) Nut-n-honey shake or Hunka-Hunka Burnin’ Love at Fred 62 or straight-up PBJ ice cream from Baskin Robbins
48:47 – Jah used binoculars 48 hours ago while birdwatching. He was sitting, minding his own business playing guitar on the couch the other night and hears a tapping at his back window. He doesn’t see anything, then he looks a little later and sees a small bird on the back door trying to get in. Jah goes outside and the bird’s wing is damaged; he takes it to his friend’s emergency vet facility at 10-11 p.m. It turns out to be a house finch (like a sparrow, with red on the throat and tail). Later, Jah sees another house finch land on his birdfeeder in the backyard and peeps it out with his binocs.
59:01 – Jah tries to explain “gleaking” to Seth. All Jah’s friends could do it and had gleak wars, but he could never do it and can only do it by accident when yawning. It’s a life skill he wouldn’t mind having
4:22 and 46:07 – The Starbucks “eyes” dude Jah spotted in Episode 107 is referenced again
13:09 – Seth goes into Blockbuster to get a couple movies, hands his card to the woman wearing a “Horton Hears A Who” headdress who is very chipper; Seth is not chipper. Seth pays, picks his movies up, asks when the movies are due, and the woman tells him “it’s on the receipt.” He asks again and she repeats “it’s on the receipt.” He opens up one of the movies and it looks like he’s just spent $300 at the grocery store. He looks all over the receipt and can’t find it, then turns to the women and goes “Just tell me when my fuckin’ movies are due!!” The other woman tells him he’s out of line and points on the receipt, as they both give him a dirty look. He sees them both again when he returns the movies.
42:51 – Seth and Jonathan’s moms have been with the show since Day 1. Sometimes Jah goes back and says he couldn’t listen to it if it were his kid
48:52 – Seth has been given an honorary doctorate from the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts. He is also the dean of students and an RA on the fifth floor for listener Matt
3:13 – Amir and Jah tossed around the idea of calling their band “Jeff’s Ship” as a partial spoof of the Jefferson Airplane/Starship theme
24:19 – Jah saw DMX in concert once. He opened up for Limp Bizkit, when Jah took his brother Benjamin (devout Bizkit-head) to the show
31:45 – UYD listener and website moderator Nick Mueller was at a Britney Spears concert in Chicago, and it was sponsored by 8 different sponsors, and in between every set change they’d come out and say “Give it up for LG!!!” Nick simply said to himself, “What am I?”
40:58 – Seth saw a grip of idiots getting headshots taken outside everywhere he went this week
3:26 – Back in the day of dial-up porn on the internet, it was the only time Amir would practice playing guitar. He would click to download a picture and then start playing until it finally downloaded
11:07 – One of the greatest live performances Jah has ever seen in his life was watching Buckethead perform at the Troubador with a band called Praxis. The incredibly tall Buckethead was bodylocking while performing some of the most ferocious electric guitar Jah had ever seen. He also had a life-size human torso that was disemboweled sitting on a stand next to him
19:20 – Jah saw James Worthy in a Starbucks, but was on the phone when Worthy walked by in a full suit. Jah looked at him in his face, but said “That’s James Worthy” into the phone loud enough to where Worthy turned and looked at him. Worthy nodded and jumped in his 7 Series
39:50 – Jah talks about a 24-hour span where the period of his life of Rastafarianism, Deadheadism and Blues Travelerism came to a tipping point, as he was being protected by Jah in order to write his first book, which would liberate thousands—possibly millions—of white men and women from the chains of Babylon. He was 16 years old in 1994, and Blues Traveler was in town for two nights, and Jah had tickets for both nights. His weed dealing was at a point where he was smoking more than he was able to produce and buy. He goes to the show in Hollywood at the Palace and brings a few friends. A lot of hash and weed are being smoked, they’re on the way back from the show driving on the PCH back to Malibu. He’s hauling ass at 3 a.m. on the PCH, car is full of smelly dudes and a gang of weed. All of a sudden he gets hit with a warm shock in his chest, and some kind of voice in his head tells him Slow down. He screeches down to 50 mph and around a blind corner 5 seconds later a cop car comes from the opposite direction. Everyone in the car is going nuts, and Jah gives thanks to Jah. He speeds back up, and 5 minutes goes by, and he gets another surge in his chest telling him Slow down. Another cop passes by and people in the car are screaming “How the fuck did you know that?!!” and he starts screaming “Rastafari!!” He has to be at school the next morning (Concord HS in Santa Monica) after 3 hours of sleep, and gets into his GMC Yukon. In the console he has a secret compartment full of weed and money. Wedged between the seat and the console is a glass bong, so he can hit it at red lights. He’s driving with Blues Traveler playing on his bumping system, and he’s playing harmonica at the same time, steering with his knees. This morning he woke up feeling blessed and protected that nothing could stop him. On the way to school, going 80 mph in the opposite direction, a cop comes down, Jah has no idea he’s there, clocks him and U turns. Jah looks in his rear view and thinks it’s going to be fine. He rolls down the window and says “You got me, I’m late for school,” and gives him the license. Cop has Jah get out of the car and puts his hands in his pockets and pulls out a fat sack of weed. He cuffs Jah, goes into his car, gets all the bags of weed and the $2,000 of drug money. He gets put in the back of the car and driven to the sheriff’s station, Jah is crying and begging the cop to give him his harmonica back so he can play it in the back of the car. Mr. Larroquette bails him out of jail, but Jah says he can’t explain the utter disappointment from him. The next night, he was taking his friend Abby to the show, but his dad told him he wasn’t going anywhere. Jah tells Abby he got arrested and gives her the tickets. Jah eats ecstacy that night, and at 2:30 a.m. he sneaks out of his house barefoot and runs through a muddy field and jumps a fence to see her when she gets back from the show to make sweet love to her. She’s not there when he gets there, but he’s X-ing his balls off. He sneaks into the house and gets into her room, and he puts on a Phish record and sits Indian-style with muddy feet on her black satin sheets. He thought that would be his fresh game. She walks in, and followed behind her is a 23-year-old dude that she had taken to the show. Jah says “Heeeey!” and tries to play it off like he wanted to kick it. He gives them the hit of ecstacy, they took it and made love and stayed together forever. Jah’s life as a Rastafarian prophet was over forever. … There was a National Enquirer blurb written about it, but they couldn’t print Jah’s name but did reference John Larroquette’s son, and it listed the amount of money and everything. Seth couldn’t get a back issue because the anthrax scare had messed up the Enquirer building in Florida
0:41 – Jonathan got to Seth’s place on Thursday to do the show. Seth didn’t hear the buzzer to his door and he waited. He could hear Jah mumbling something about Hailie Selassie I. Seth says “dude you’ve been out there for like 6 minutes.” Jah doesn’t say anything, turns heel, gets in his car and drives away. Jah leaves Seth a message telling him that Jah said to go home because it wasn’t right
8:15 – Jah: “Have you ever fucked anything crazy?” Seth: “My ex-wife. Wah-wah.” Jonathan tells the story about cutting a hole in a honeydew melon, softening up the outer skin/rind for a “soft open” so it didn’t grind on his prick and then fucking the melon: “It’s awesome.” Seth: “Did you see this to completion?” Jah: “And how.” Jonathan says it’s even better when you put the melon in the microwave for about 15-20 seconds. Jah then gives a nod to his female bodybuilding story from Episode 039 (10:19)
16:57 – There was a girl Jah had a crush on who was completely into Rick Ashley’s single “Never Gonna Give You Up,” and Jah said it was awesome. He got the single on cassette and listened to it on his Sony Walkman on a plane trip to impress her
23:17 – When Jonathan sent Seth to the Zeitgeist movie site, he pretended like it wasn’t anything. Seth watched it on his laptop on the couch when it was super late with the lights off, at one point he heard a noise and jumped. Seth checks the stove, the heat, the car, the closets before he goes to bed, etc. Seth can’t take showers sometimes b/c the doors close and with the shower curtain he’s convinced he’s going to get stabbed. When he has his eyes closed when the shampoo is in, that’s too much to go. He lays corpse-style on the bed after checking all the closets and everything and has night terrors
25:59 – Jah is happy that Starbucks is getting rid of their panini sandwiches and the machines that make them (first talked about in Episode 099) because the cleaning spray they used once it started to heat up and burn off was the worst-smelling crap ever
41:48 – Jah got into a conversation where he told a dude he saw pictures of the guy’s dog on Myspace, and the other girl goes “Ugh, Myspace?” Jah gets defensive and says “What, you Facebook? Really? Are you calling me out on having a Myspace page?” The only 2 pages Jah has are Jogger and Uhh Yeah Dude. He opted not to have a personal page because his might be creepy
48:18 – Because Seth has been talking about his wheatgrass shots so much, Jah walks on Ventura in Studio City to go get a double for himself (Seth gets a single). As he’s walking from one corner across the street, an attractive young lady looks at Jonathan sort of oddly and says “Are you Jonathan Larroquette?” Jonathan says “Yes I am” and she replies “I love your podcast.” Jonathan’s knees give out because he can’t believe this is happening. The girl found out about UYD from one of her friends who was in the Facebook group Uhh Yeah Dude. It’s the first time Jah has been spotted in public b/c of the podcast. He assumes she recognized him b/c of the photo on iTunes or because of the vidcast. She has been listening since the 90s.
19:25 – Seth reiterates how awesome his Halloween night experience was on Santa Monica Boulevard (Episode 089). There were police helicopters 50 feet above him, and he was surrounded by 400,000 people. From 8 p.m. to 2 a.m. it was complete pandemonium.
32:24 – Seth was trying to explain science to Amir, and Amir starts talking about gremlins and epic fantasy, which pisses Seth off
35:56 – Seth recalls a story that Jah forgets, when he once got a lapdance at Foreplay on Cotner in West L.A. on a Wednesday afternoon by himself to the Berlin song “Riding on the Metro” while crying during a crucial point in his life. Jah cracks up because he doesn’t remember it but it must be true because it sounds just like him
38:50 – Jonathan talks about the amount of parking meters in LA and how everyone drives, and wonders how he can walk down the street at 5:45 p.m. and watch someone dump $1.50 in quarters in the meter. He saw someone doing it the other day and told them that after 6 p.m. you don’t have to put money in. He doesn’t understand how people don’t know this. Jonathan gets a ticket every other week because he parks in the red zone to avoid a long walk to Seth’s apartment
47:40 – Jah’s hatred of bad feet is correlated with his Montessori pre-school that he went to. The guy that ran the pre-school fingered Jah’s butthole. The bathroom they would use was taken by another kid, so the husband of the couple that ran the school said he would take them in their bedroom, Jah walked through the bedroom where the wife was sleeping, and her hideous feet were poking out from underneath the comforter. But because of this he is grateful because he finds a pair of beautiful feet very sexy
53:25 – Seth was driving one day on Santa Monica and pulls up to a red light by a basketball park. He’s listening to Oldies 101, and he sees 30 girls wearing short shorts and t-shirts moving around, and dudes with whistles and footballs rolling around. He pulls up and realizes it’s two teams of women playing in that Sunday’s Bud Bowl. He gave a shout-out to Joanne McCarthy, Jenny’s sister, who was on one of the teams. Jah says he prefers the old-school Bud Bowl with the bottles playing against each other
55:31 – Jah’s friend sent a Mac laptop back and he got it back and it smelled horribly of body odor. He washed it and couldn’t get it off, and it was permeating from the inside. Some sweaty greasy tech had rubbed his balls on the motherboard and put it in, and when it headed up it was the worst smell ever. Jah’s friend threw it away because he couldn’t stand it anymore
3:09 – Jonathan experienced an earthquake when he was younger. In the aftermath, he, his brother and dad were stark naked, standing in the backyard. At the same moment they, without speaking, turned their backs and started to pee in their respective bushes. Jah’s mom was like “you have to be kidding me” and they all looked at each other and started laughing because they were alive. Jonathan was out of his mind high, and claims he knew the earthquake was happening before it happened because he’s “jah-lapethic.”
10:30 – Seth was standing at his Blockbuster at 10 a.m. on Tuesday wondering why they didn’t have Season 2 of Joey, but they inform him that it’s been pushed 2 weeks to April 29. He then references the Blockbuster story from Episode 108, 13:09, and how the women working there don’t like him. He then references the Leaf story from Episode 015, 20:09, saying he’s due to start using his notebook and writing things instead of speaking them because it usually stems from a “specific incident at a specific place where I’ll just cut off communiqué,” which he does at Leaf on Ventura.
17:50 – Jonathan picked up the phone to talk to his mother the other day, and she goes, “Honeydew melon, huh?” Jah was humiliated. Seth says his mother was putting up wallpaper very professionally while listening to UYD, and after hearing Jah talking about his fruit-fucking story she had to get down from the ladder and brace herself because she really adores Jonathan.
18:31 – Jonathan talks about the proper way to eat a mango, which he learned from his homeboys in Hawaii who gave him laced weed that quasi-paralyzed him (Stacy and Susan story – Episode 043, 3:10)
31:24 – The first prom Jah went to was when he was 13 years old. He went to several, and by the time it came time for his prom his hippie high school didn’t even have one. He admits that he got laid a few times
32:30 – For the third time, some person has fallen asleep and slammed into Seth’s dad’s parked car and totaled it. When his dad told Seth he had a cream-colored PT Cruiser Seth had a panic attack
36:35 – The other day, by the time Jah got home he had driven 90 miles, never having left LA County
46:42 – Seth was like Benicio del Toro at the end of Traffic – he used to drink at little league games
55:31 – Jah shifts to a more somber mood and admits that he hasn’t been completely honest with listeners over the last few weeks. He is currently separated from his wife Justine. “This show, for me personally, has taken on more and more meaning. The people that listen and the people that love it… it’s one of the best things I’ve maintained doing for a long time. I need to thank the listeners and I need to thank Seth for being a part of my life.”
28:22 – “Reduce, Reuse, Recyle. Rebuy.” Seth brings up the recycling slogan that girls he knew who grew up in L.A. schools are still singing to this day. Jonathan finds out that Sunny Levine’s mom is the one who came up with that slogan. She couldn’t believe Jah still knew the slogan by heart
45:06 – Seth went to a birthday party at Foo Bar one time for a gay friend. The sign behind the bar that said IF YOU DON’T LOOK 21, PREPARE TO SHOW ID, except the last part was spray-painted out and it said FABULOUS!
48:35 – Jah was in an Abercrombie & Fitch store around Christmastime. The whole store reeked of teen rape because they spray all their clothes with the A&F scent. “It was as if Drakkar Noir hated black people.” The place was completely dark, except the tables of clothes were spotlighted. Trance music was playing. A half-assed A&F model was standing at the door with a little bit of abs showing and cargos. As Jah walks in he goes, “Sup guys? Have a great time in there.”
56:31 – A listener calls the voicemail who had seen Episode 100 and is a videographer that has some fresh ideas for the show. He’s offered his services for Episode 200, and talked about getting together in month or two. Jah says it’s so many weeks away that he can’t even comprehend it. 85 weeks is a little premature
3:01 – The same co-workers who burned Seth with “Sofa King” tell him to write “Pen” and the number “15” on his hand, so seth writes PEN15 three times on his hand before realizing he is a penis
25:38 – Jah bought a PROPERTY OF ALCATRAZ t-shirt and a samurai sword when he was in San Francisco at age 10-11
37:40 – Seth was getting a peace out from a dude this week, and the dude says “Dream in color.” Seth is flabbergasted.
52:16 – Seth went in to pick up Season 2 of Joey on DVD and is pissed off to realize that Warner Home Video has decided to only release it in Canada. Jah assures him that he has connections in Canada and can get it for Seth
53:07 – Jah tells a story about the time that he got completely smashed-out drunk in boarding school. Drunkenness was a taboo subject around the Larroquette house b/c of his dad’s alcoholism, so Jah did everything else (acid, weed, mushrooms) before every trying alcohol. He had never been truly drunk before boarding school. He first downs a 40-oz Schlitz, goes to his other friend’s room and swigs Jack Daniel’s, walks down the trail and runs into 4 other friends who tell him they’re going to smoke a bowl and do Jäger shots. Jah starts to realize he’s pretty messed up. He heads back to his dorm, falling down quite a few times, and stumbles into his room before lights-out. Jah’s rasta roommate was not down with Jah getting drunk, and tells him he needs to cover up his breath by eating peanut butter b/c it eclipses all smells. Jah stands up, gets to the door where his RA lives, and falls face-first through his RA’s door into the room and into his arms. He then bursts into tears and says he’s so sorry, etc. The RA carries Jah into the room and into his bed. Jah puts his forehead up against the plaster wall where it’s cool and starts to puke into the wall, from where it goes back into his face and he can’t even move to avoid it. Jah eventually falls asleep in his own puke, however he did not shit or piss himself. He wakes up at 5:45 or 6 in the morning, and stumbles into the kitchen area. There’s only one thing in the refrigerator, an unopened bottle of Clamato, which he opens and smells and realizes he can’t touch it b/c he’ll puke it. He finds an econo box of Cream of Wheat and makes a grip of it. The stuff expands in his stomach (would’ve been 3 people’s servings), he drops the pot on the ground, looks at the brown linoleum floor and projectile vomits the cream of wheat into a giant white pile on the floor. His drinking career was cut short – he didn’t drink again for another 2 years
4:17 – A digression into Jah’s former prep school, Verde Valley School in Sedona, Ariz., brings Seth to question why VVS keeps sending alumni-related literature to Seth’s apartment. Jah thinks this might be b/c VVS assumes UYD is making some bank
7:14 – Seth gives a quote from his father that he said in a phone conversation with Seth: “A stiff dick has no conscience. That’s what the old timers used to say.” Seth says this is not to be confused with his Auntie Carol’s quote, “Love goes where it goes, even if it’s up the dog’s ass.” Jonathan: “What about when somebody’s having a hard time putting a key in a lock, and you say, ‘Well, if it had some hair around it.’”
21:18 – Jonathan went to see Iron Man, and says it’s fine, but everyone needs to shut up about how good it is because it’s a tad overrated. During the Indiana Jones preview, a man who is there alone gives a full standing ovation at the end of the preview. At the beginning of the Zohan trailer, everyone in the theater starts laughing. Not so much laughter during the Love Guru trailer, which Jah is legitimately excited about. Standing ovation at the end of Zohan and at the end of Iron Man
49:40 – Jonathan saw a license plate 2 days ago that said I’M NOT BALLIN. I JUST BUY WHAT I WANT. Jonathan: “I don’t even know what that means. I stood there and looked at this thing for 10 minutes hoping this person would walk out so I could ask them.”
52:00 – Jonathan has fallen asleep driving more times than he’d care to talk about. He fell asleep at a red light during a driving lesson while he was getting his license. It was on Sunset and Dohini. He fell asleep at the Hornburg Jaguar, and the instructor was like “You’re not falling asleep are you?” Jonathan was completely faded at the time.
10:47 – Seth gives a special shout-out to his favorite actress, AnnaLynne McCord (Episode 092), who he met on the streets of Hollywood, for joining the new cast of Beverly Hills 90210 playing Naomi Bennett. Seth: “It was Friday, November 16, 2007, when the universe connected the dots and put us together on Santa Monica and Ogden. And I held your hand, gently—not in any creepy way.”
20:00 – Jonathan went to his storage unit the other day in the Valley, and when he went onto the floor where his is, he got 2 doors away from it and saw one that was ajar by like a foot. One of the slat doors is open, but there’s a black curtain hanging and a dim light on. As he walks by, he smells the most pungent, perfumed lotion smell that smelled like a dirty strip club. He doesn’t hear any noise. He goes into his storage room and pulls things out, 20 minutes goes by and he hears moving around, then sees a tatted creepy dude going away. Five minutes later there’s another dude with him and they go into the room. Jah wonders to himself if the dude is blowing other dudes in the room, then passes it off. But Seth confirms that this is the Missed Connections guy. Jonathan also noticed that there were no cameras there, except it was 93 degrees inside of the place. He says there were no moving of items once he went back in there, it was just dead quiet again.
35:53 – Seth was in Whole Foods and saw a dude making sandwiches, wearing a hairnet fashioned as a chinstrap to cover his bad goatee he was working with. Seth didn’t say anything but he was just flabbergasted by the look
49:40 – Jonathan was driving the other day and saw a 19-year-old crazy hot girl wearing Varnays driving in a biodiesel Mercedes. Jah rolled down the window at a stoplight and said, “Excuse me, are those Varnays?” She laughs and says she owns three pairs of them
8:47 – Seth outs Jonathan by telling the listeners where Jonathan called him from last night: a Taco Bell. He said to the drive through man, “Can I get two 7-layer burritos?” As Jah was ordering it he realized Seth was on the phone with him, and he said to himself, Please don’t let him be writing this down right now. He knew Seth was going to bring it up during the show, and he couldn’t tell him not to because he knew for sure that he would. … Jonathan says he has done research that the beans are vegetarian at a Taco Bell, but he asks if the rice has chicken stock in it, because if it does his days are over. He’s been eating it for a long time and hasn’t wanted to look into it further.
11:25 – Jah brings up the story about accidentally calling Seth during a heated therapy session, crying about his life (Episode 062, 7:08)
17:04 – Jah reveals the story about being duped at King Kong, and after all the cinema rape he endured during the movie, he still had to cry at the end because they killed King Kong and Jah was pissed off
20:23 – Seth was in Pittsburgh and was on the incline, going up the hill and was already working out his escape plan.
20:56 – On Seth’s eighth-grade Washington trip, everyone was trying to get Seth to go on a rickety roller coaster. He was waiting in line, probably going to bail out and it started to rain while they were there so they had to leave. The craziest roller coaster Jah has been on was Viper, the last time he was there
40:32 – Seth reveals that he has a personal masseuse and the two of them have a deep understanding and respect for each other. The masseuse knows Seth’s body and can penetrate deeply.
50:20 – Jah was talking with his friend Nate the other day, and Nate made a reference to “Marky Mark.” The 18-year-old kid next to them was like “Yeah, yeah, you know what else it’s like? What’s that due who’s an actor now who used to be a model for Calvin Klein?” Jah realizes he’s not old enough to know him as Marky Mark, and has to explain it to this kid.
57:15 – Jah met Howie Mandel when he was 9 years old at the Emmys, and already thought he was the funniest person on earth. Howie was wearing a tuxedo and silver Nike Cortezes with a red swoosh and was sporting the crazy jeri curl. Seth asks him, as far as the quota of expectation to reward, if it was his best celebrity meeting. Jonathan says that meeting Jon Popper, presenting him with a portrait and then him in turn handing Jah a harmonica and then playing it in front of Popper and Popper giving him a lesson, if you could bottle those feelings, there would be nothing wrong with the world (Episode 055, 32:54).
58:57 – Seth was a freshman in high school on a field trip, and was hanging with the senior girls. They were walking by a Foot Locker and saw Jordan Knight and Joey McIntyre, and Seth walked in and asked them if they could come out. Joey high-fived everybody, and the whole bus ride home all the girls were loving Seth for it.
24:39 – A dear female friend of Seth tells him a funny yet creepy story. She lives with 3 girls in a house about a half-mile from where the studio is. She comes home one evening and there’s a sealed white envelope lying on the front doorstep of the house. This is the contents of the letter, titled, "Coming Clean:" To Whom It is Those That This Concerns: I’ll state to you what have I done. I was peeping at you from around the side of your living. I am telling you this because I don’t want my conscience eating at me anymore. Once I was peeping and saw a young lady in the shower. Another occasion I was peeping, I saw a couple preparing to have one another. In the finale occasion their, is the young lady getting out of the shower that leads to her bedroom. I have to admit I was being selfish and other things “I’m sure you might say.” I’m writing this, I can’t say please forgive me because it was a must to do. If at all you feel violated, please don’t pen your hopes against me. I’ve come to do a conscience close on these matters. And I’ll say it won’t lead to any further expectations that it is my self-control that I grasped to cease these doings. I can understand if you might call me a pervert or peeping guy. I’m trying to help myself, so if you could keep your ladies’ awareness at hand, it’ll help me to know you don’t agree with my doings. Sincerely, Ex-pervert
35:18 – Seth gets letters from Jamba Juice while rolling past their locations. The letters are apologizing for them being out of wheatgrass because of “weather-related issues.”
1:03:32 – Jonathan, Denise Richards and the lead singer for Papa Roach, Jacoby Shaddix, are in Starbucks at the same time a week ago. Shaddix drops money, Jah picks it up and Shaddix says “Good lookin’ out.” Later Shaddix whispers, “Is that Denise Richards?” and Jah says “I’m pretty sure it is” as he burns past him.
2:36 – It had been too long, so Jah went in and got a physical. Jah received a rectal exam from a male doctor who wanted to ask Jah the best way for him to learn how to play guitar. Jah told him about free guitar lessons on YouTube as his butt is being dug into, saying “it’s way easier than piano.” He had Jah turn and face the wall in the fetal position – the most vulnerable thing he’s ever felt in his whole life. The doctor dug around for a while, then went over and did paperwork for a few minutes while Jah just laid there with butthole open and lubricant in his area. When he looked over his shoulder at the doctor the doctor said, “Oh, I’m done.”
7:17 – Dude tells Seth about his experience with a bad pickup line segment. He was in Boston during the Boston Marathon, standing at a crosswalk where two attractive young girls are behind him. Another dude rolls up and says “Hey, what’s going on here today?” The girls go, “Uhh, the marathon.” Dude: “Cool,” then backs away.
9:40 – Jah recommends possibly listening to Episode 066 when Episode 122 would have regularly appeared. He spoke with a friend of his who was listening to old shows, the friend called him and told him 66 was the best. When Jah got in his car today he plugged in his iPod and it started playing the first thing on the iPod, which happened to be Episode 066. Jah agrees it was a good episode
14:39 – UYD was told about a casual encounter of a different sort – two complete strangers in Brooklyn met randomly at a bar, the dude was throwing out some UYD references, the girl picked up on it and said “UYD for life.” They locked eyes and joined forces for a one-night stand. Both parties separately contacted Jonathan to recount the story. Jah is thrilled, beside himself and jealous for these two people. Jah thinks the evening warrants a revisit at some point. “However, just for the sake of clarity, his name is actually Giovanni, it’s not Giuseppi.”
17:12 – Seth references his old doctor, Christopher Flynn at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Burbank, who fingered his butthole when his appendix burst (originally mentioned in Episode 049, 11:24). Seth recommends that he gets him and Jah gets his doctor and they all get together for a party
39:22 – Amir kicked Jah out of his house yesterday. He had been crashing there since his separation
45:30 – Seth is genuinely pissed off because the government took his stimulus check and applied it to the $10,000 owed to the Screen Actors Guild. Seth did a commercial approximately 10 years ago for Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Crunch. During the callback he was so hung over that he had the shakes. Seth sat down, and the start of it was to start eating the cereal. He was going to die so he buried his head in a plastic bowl and ate two heaping piles of it with his crazy hair and denim jeans. He didn’t say anything so they thought he was British. He was paid as if it was a commercial airing on network TV (lot of money) even though it only ran on cable (normally less money). At the end of Seth’s spending spree where he bought a Simmons Beautyrest, the SAG told him he owed them $7,500. It was about 2 days before Christmas and a woman at SAG was holding him as he was crying. Jah remembers it being a fucking disaster
33:08 – Jah reflects on how crazy it is that his cell phone is out in the world and people are hitting him up with texts at 3:30 a.m. One dude texted him the other day about summer shoes and Jah recommended some vegan Vans
8:51 – Seth and his buds used to go pool hopping when he was a senior in high school, jump in and get drunk until they chased him off, then hop in the car and drive off. There weren’t any girls involved, as Seth now remembers
18:25 – Seth went to a baby shower once, and they had a game where you were blindfolded, had to taste the baby food and get the most flavors right. Both Jah and Seth think they should play it during an episode
31:49 – Jonathan and Seth are in the documentary “Air Guitar Nation” that was released in 2006. Justine and her friend Torey are in it as well, and when they cut to Torey in one scene he yells “Fuck You!!” to a competitor from another country. Seth claims he was wearing his Dallas Cowboys cheerleader shirt that day
50:28 – Jonathan can’t even tell us how often he was shirtless as a young son of Hollywood
1:00:09 – When Jah was in Europe, he was subscribing his friend to the show. He couldn’t find UYD on iTunes because it’s completely different, and did a search and found 5 new comments from UK-only users that he had never read before
19:25 – Seth saw Diane Cannon at Whole Foods, someone who used to be a pretty attractive woman. He couldn’t believe how badly the plastic surgery fucked her face up. “Her lips dude, were so crazy lipped out…”
21:39 – Seth also saw Jodie Foster and thought, Why is this fucking dyke taking so long? After the fourth cup that Jodie poured of balsamic vinaigrette, Seth ripped it out of her hand and she looked at him and he made his salad.
33:23 – Jah went to the Bright Spot last night and was looking at a magazine and staring at a couple that was there. They got up, went to his car, he’s in the car and the car’s started and she’s still standing outside. Jah thinks it’s wack that he didn’t open the door for her.
36:36 – Seth found this on the street at Santa Monica and Fairfax at 12:00 p.m. on the 4th of July, 2008: I am a 21-year-old looking for a roarmate to live with. Lesbiamis or gay female to move and with at a low price: $200-Goo a month. For most attend college. For more call 213-784-1703 and ask for Tiene Makey.
49:16 – Jonathan teases us by telling us he has a story for next week. Seth foreshadows some of the production that will be taking place in the studio
52:59 – Jah was standing in a liquor store the other day, and as he was buying cigarettes the guy behind the counter was fucking with him and asked for ID. Two straight cholos at the register next to him look at Jah, and say “Leave him alone man!” “Yeah, he’s the Love Guru!” They then got into a tricked Z28 with 20s and rolled out while hysterically laughing
20:56 – Jah was at a gas station two days ago, getting gouged at the pump. It’s about 10:30 p.m. and he’s filling up his tank, and sees a scantily clad young girl with tiny hot shorts and a tank top with white platforms, amazing body, super tan, kind of trashy but dope and sexy. She walks across the parking lot to the most beat-to-fuck Honda Accord Jah has ever seen with horrible window tint. She gets in, starts the engine, and “Cherry Pie” by Warrant is bumping and she’s mouthing the words and singing along. Jah looks at her and begins hysterically laughing. Jah starts his car, and she gets in reverse, drives back and rolls her window down, and says “I just want to let you know that your dreds are really sexy.” His awesome reply is, “Oh, thanks.” Jah gets home later and thinks Wait, I don’t have dreds.
26:53 – At Jah’s boarding school in Sedona, he used to get in trouble a lot and was on weekend work duty where he had to dig trenches and stuff. A guy lived in a teepee near the equestrian area named Jeff, and his job was to take care of the horses and watch the kids on work duty over the weekends. Jeff asked Jah to go get something out of the teepee, and immediately his weed radar goes off. He spots a little wooden box sitting on the top of a shrine in the teepee, and makes a beeline for it. There’s one whole perfect beautiful nug sitting in the box, and Jah swipes it then goes and gets the thing he asks for. Jah hacks away at the trench, hours later goes and takes a hike with friends and sparks the nug with some friends. Back on campus, someone runs up to him and tells him Jeff is looking for him. Jah walks up the trail, and Jeff is coming down and starts yelling “Nah man, no, I’m done!” Jah acts like he doesn’t know what Jeff is talking about, and Jeff said he’s going to go to the office and resign and deface Jah in front of everybody. It turns out the weed had been blessed in a ceremony by some crazy Native American chief. Jah still tries to lie and says he is a Rastafarian and it’s against his religion to lie and steal. Jeff looks at him and says “you’re fuckin’ full of shit.” Jah admits that he stole it and another guy talked Jeff out of losing his job over it. Jah never stole drugs ever again.
38:25 – Jah claims he didn’t get grifted one time while he was in Europe. Seth thinks the gypsies play such an old school game that Jah didn’t even know what they were stealing
47:19 – Jah saw a dude broken down on the freeway getting a gallon of gas, and looked at the dude and was almost positive it was a straight scam. He said his face looked guilty like he wasn’t supposed to be doing it.
27:36 – Jah used Mitchum deodorant in high school once, and he had an allergic reaction because it clogged his pores. He claims it literally glues your pores shut
33:00 – On his way over to the studio, Jah sees a van that he’s seen before that is absolutely covered in Jesus stickers. He saw the guy that drives the van in 7-11 with his children. Jah guesses there are 1,000 bumpers stickers on it (or 300), and the man has resorted to writing his own bumper stickers in marker and duct taping it to the van. Jah writes down a few: LOOK, THIS IS THE BOTTOM LINE: BUDDHA, MOHAMMED, MOSES, KRISHNA, EVEN ELVIS – THEY’RE ALL DEAD. JESUS AND JESUS ALONE DIED AND THEN RESURRECTED NEVER TO DIE AGAIN. THAT IS WHY HE ALONE CAN GIVE LIFE ETERNAL. NEO IS NOT THE ONE – JESUS IS. NATURAL LAW CAN NEITHER EXPLAIN THE ORIGINS OF LIFE OR THE UNIVERSE. HE WHO BASES HIS ATHEISM ON SECULAR PHILOSOPHY OR SCIENCE IS BUILDING HIS HOUSE ON SINKING SAND. The man had a walkman in his front pocket and was playing with the Batman food dispenser, saying “Cool!” and trying to get his kids into it.
37:54 – Jah saw a woman in a Jack LaLanne full rigout at the Santa Monica Glow event at the Pier. It was a full adult crazy woman representing, saying basically “don’t forget about Jack.”
40:24 – David Schwimmer spoke at the first AA meeting Seth ever went to, being at rock bottom and having failed pilots, etc. (Seth is kidding). In actuality, Chuck Negron of 3 Dog Night spoke at Seth’s second meeting and gave the longest, worst speech ever. He had the worst hair ever but the best beard ever, and said something like “I got laid! … I had a lot of threesomes and a lot of cocaine!” Seth wondered what was wrong about that situation. … In Seth’s first meeting, it was super late at night and a female friend of his brought him there. He said it was wicked creepy, near Fat Beats on Melrose. A gay dude corners Seth and said “At the end of meetings we move chairs. Care to help?” Seth resigned to it but the gay guy stacked chairs so Seth was in a literal rape room. The dude gave Seth a book and told him to get sober and gave him a kiss on the cheek
49:21 – The second year Jah was in boarding school, he was more of a veteran hippie who people looked at to discover drugs. Shortly before Jah got kicked out, there were a lot of psychedelic drugs on campus. A girl there who was very cute (Jah can’t remember her name) told Jah she was thinking about tripping for the first time, didn’t know if she should do mushrooms or acid. About 12 hours go by, and Jah eats a bunch of mushrooms and is having the best trip ever. He is walking to the smoking section, and sees her walking up to him in the dark. They sit down and start talking, and Jah goes into an in-depth analysis about the difference between mushrooms and acid. He said, “You definitely need to do mushrooms, because acid is more hard edged and grindier. The patterns start shifting you in different directions, while mushrooms is more of an organic hum that you can ride…” Jah looks at her and she’s not into it. He asks her if she’s cool, and she says she just ate acid like three hours ago and is tripping balls. She stood up and said she was going back to her dorm, and walked away. Later on people asked Jah what he said to her.
4:17 – Jah remembers sitting with GNR’s “Lies” and flipping through the booklet and reading Axel’s objectionable lyrics at the time
21:20 – Jah was trying to rescue a dog, and put up signs for a dog that wasn’t his. For two weeks he got calls on his cell phone from these Asian school kids who would say “I have your daaaawg! We want a million dollars or we’re going to turn it into chop suey!!” then hysterically laugh. Jah kept the messages because they were so funny.
24:27 – Seth saw Titanic and loved it, then he went to see Leonardo’s follow-up, The Beach, at Grauman’s Chinese Theater. He bought the tickets two weeks in advance because he thought it would sell out, then he walked into the theater at 7:00 p.m. on a Friday night and there was nobody in the theater
26:04 – Seth went to see the South Park movie with two friends, then found 3 10-year-olds who fit Seth and his buds perfectly and acted like they were brothers
27:15 – Seth and Jah talk about the earthquake that hit Los Angeles the other day. When it hit, Seth was driving to work down Melrose. He watched a woman run out of the Party Store with her arms up, went through the green light at Marino’s restaurant, was listening to “Everything Zen” by Bush on KROC, then he heard nothing on the radio, then he hears the DJ say “Oh my god that was an earthquake.”
35:32 – When Jah’s mom was breastfeeding his sister, she had a friend who had had a kid at the same time, they were both breastfeeding at the same time and suggested swapping babies
51:08 – Jah saw about 15 minutes of a sitcom that used to be on called Living Single. He claims that the opening sequence is so crazy and absolutely astonishing
55:00 – Seth traveled to Oxnard, Calif., last weekend, to see the Dallas Cowboys in training camp. He stood there and waited for Tony Romo, calling out his name. He waved to his favorite cheerleader, Brooke Sorensen
7:41 – Jah got a ticket for going 66 mph in a 35 mph zone this week. He denies that he was going this fast. The cop had braces where the top looked different from the bottom, and Jah couldn’t stop staring at him. Seth says he would’ve said, “Thanks for the ticket, brace face!!” before driving off
39:34 – One time Seth was at Sunset Junction fucked up and had to go to a McDonald’s to get away from it. He saw the creepiest white old pedophile with a 10-year-old black kid, laughing and slapping. Seth knew it wasn’t right and that he had to do something about it, but he was so fucked up that he went back into the Junction. He still thinks about the fact that the kid is now gone and it’s Seth’s fault
1:00:38 – Seth got a voicemail from a listener who said UYD should pose the question “Where do you listen to UYD?” then every listener could post a picture or posting of where they do it
12:41 – Jah wonders if Louis Gossett Jr. won an Oscar for Enemy Mine, and after Seth references the 1983 TV show V, Jah admits he used to be obsessed with that show when he was a kid
17:54 – Seth is in Whole Foods and sees paparazzi standing outside, and realizes he’s seen a grip of celebrities in there and never saw paparazzi before. Thinking that Brad Pitt is in there, he goes over by the produce and sees Lauren Conrad and Lo hanging out. He grabs a Think Thin bar, comes back and starts to applaud, saying “Monday the 18th, 10 p.m., could not be more excited.” Lo gives him the dirtiest look that hits Seth deep. LC, wearing a fedora and sundress, looks back with perfect white teeth and is loving it. Jah wonders how Seth got that and Jah got Brody Jenner three times in the same week. Seth got Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill two times at Whole Foods
22:27 – Jah got caught watching the Olympics the other night and then was informed that he was supposed to be boycotting them. Jah says he gets a little randy watching them. Late at night they’re broadcasting live on USA, which peeps Jah to some of the network’s programming, including Burn Notice, which shows the close-up of the lead character’s mouth with a beach in the background
29:30 – Last week, following the recording of UYD on Jah’s birthday, a group of friends decided to go to a nightclub called Hyde on the Sunset Strip, at the suggestion of Guy Logan. Jah shrugs off after the show because that kind of club has a panic-inducing effect on Jah, then Seth comes out with a new shirt on and everyone convinces Jah to come. Jah brought his car in case he wanted to roll out early. Jah parks, walks out, gets 20 feet from the front door of the place and sees Dimitri standing outside alone, and thinks they beat everyone there somehow. Dimitri says that Seth just went in to get Guy and realizes they’re both already inside, and that this might not go too well for him. Jah is standing awkwardly outside of the nightclub and goes up to the beautiful woman at the door, and says “I thought Greenblatt’s went out of business.” About 10 minutes into it, he hears “Fuck you then, come out here!” and an enormous dude with plucked eyebros and a superstarched giant cuffed shirt and True Religion jeans tucked into a witch’s cowboy boot gets thrown out by the bouncers. Dimitri is being patient and tries to send texts to Guy, then re-explains that Seth saw Dimitri out there. Fifteen minutes go by, and Jah decides he’s no longer comfortable standing outside of this club. He gets in his car, and Dimitri does the same. Jah peels out and makes a right, and sees Guy’s face peeking out the door, then pulls over and runs up to the door, asks the bouncer to go in and get him, but the bouncer tells him to just text him. Jah texts Dimitri to text him Guy’s number, instead gets a call from Dimitri who tries to calm him down for 25 minutes before he rolls out. The title of Jah’s birthday escapade is “Herpes and Hyde.”
55:55 – Seth dips back into the Hyde story, saying it was the best night ever, walking into an oasis of everything the Hollywood nightlife should be. Basically, it was 100 wicked hot girls standing on top of shit pumping their arms and then 100 of the biggest losers you’ve ever seen in your life doing the same thing but lower, beneath them. Seth found a $5 bill on the ground, “Oh, is that a fin?” and keeps rolling on.
10:25 – Jah was talking with his parents this week about his mom’s brother who passed away in England last month. They started talking about the last time he saw them, and by some crazy sequence of events Jah’s grandmother (Dad’s mom) and Uncle Arthur came to stay with them over the holidays. Post-Christmas, the Larroquettes all left and left them in the house together. When they returned, there was an episode with the housekeeper who hung around with them and developed a crush on Arthur and they spent New Year’s together. Arthur tells them that the housekeeper (referred to as “Lucha”) had gotten really drunk, and started taking her pants off in front of them and writhing around (Jah’s uncle is 375 pounds, by the way). She at one point disappears, and is lying in the bathroom with pants around ankles, and they have to pick her up and put her in the bed. There was never a mention of it until the Larroquettes were reminiscing later on.
13:26 – Jah’s housekeeper had a brother who was a plastic surgeon and said he would give her a really good price for a facelift, she went down to Guatemala to get it and came back and her face was so fucked up, looked as if it was filled with chicken fat or something
15:42 – Jah rehashes the story of him and Seth seeing Minority Report at the Arclight (Episode 051, 36:35), when a dude stood up in the back of the theater afterward and yelled “Shame on you Spielberg!”
18:12 – Seth brings up his interaction with Lo at Whole Foods last week, and quotes Audrina to reinforce his point: “Lo’s always super bitchy, that’s just the way she is.” Seth couldn’t agree more: “Fucking bitch. She’ll rue the day.”
33:57 – Seth and Jah couldn’t get married because Jah is still legally married. Jah says that they should have a contest in which listeners should write an essay about why Seth would marry the listeners in a legally-bound ceremony
43:20 – The most Seth has ever won on a lottery ticket is when he was in Massachusetts for his cousin’s wedding and he bought a $10 scratcher Red Sox ticket. He won $7 and actually asked for the cash. Jah asks listeners to chime in with their top winnings, and if they can prove it because they’re mostly lying fucks
1:02:00 – Seth goes HD in the studio. He spent an hour and 68 minutes going back-and-forth from his SD Sportscenter to his HD Sportscenter. Seth finally got rid of his original model Tivo (PTV300) that Jah gave him seven years ago. It’s going for $8.99 on eBay right now. Jah remembers getting his second Tivo and saying he needed to give the first model to Seth
3:56 – Jah went to Catholic school for a short period of time, and used to draw crazy Satanic stuff during Bible class and listen to Slayer. He remembers when girls used to roll their skirts up but only did it once. He now regularly sees girls walking on Larchmont with multiple rolls on their Catholic school skirts.
15:12 – Seth hasn’t been to the East Coast during the winter in about 15 years, but the last time he was there he still remembers the bone-chilling walk from the house to the car.
43:52 – Jah watched a dude pay the door fee at the strip club, walk in, soak up 30 seconds of a chick showing her gash on stage and then asking for his money back on the way out and joining his friends who were waiting in the car for him.
45:05 – Seth was getting a coffee at his Whole Foods and saw a really attractive girl looking at a muffin, then saw a dude standing next to her waiting to say something, then when she turned around he acted like he was waiting for his coffee. Seth wanted to ask him what was up with that sweet move.
46:13 – Jah was mentioning a story to someone the other day and in the middle of it started questioning whether the story was true. He thus proceeds to call his father on his cell in the middle of the show and ask if, when he was younger, he jumped in bed with his parents when he was tripping balls. His dad confirms that the story was indeed true. Jonathan was about 15-16 years old, his parents were asleep in the bed in Malibu. Jah knocked on the balcony door, walked in very happy to see them. He proceeded to crawl in the bed between the two parents, professed his undying love for them and his intention to never, ever leave the house. Mr. Larroquette figured he was tripping because he could have put a floodlight in his eyes and they wouldn’t have dilated. Jah made his mother very happy in saying he would never leave the house. Jah didn’t stay in bed, he just went downstairs and probably masturbated to women’s bodybuilding. Mr. Larroquette: “It was very nice of you to call and remind us of that wonderful, blissful night.”
56:39 – Seth remembers when he and his mom used to watch Growing Pains and he saw Kirk Cameron wearing double collared shirts, and Seth came in for school picture day wearing that getup. As a result Seth was voted ‘Cutest’ at Dustin Hunkin Middle School in the eighth grade. Jah desperately needs to know that and see that
1:01:27 – Jah got a message from a listener who just listened to Episode 027, in which serial killer Wayne Adam Ford is referenced at the 54:30 mark. The listener is a reporter who interviewed the Humboldt County Sheriff deputy who Wayne Adam Ford handed the female tit to. Listener said he also drank at the bar that Ford was in when he decided to turn himself in, and he hasn’t gone back there since
16:40 – Seth retells the story from Episode 078, 8:14 about his dad getting pissed off at him when he was in eighth grade for saying the line I did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a wiffleball bat... when remaking the Beastie Boys’ “Paul Revere.”
16:54 – Two weeks before that talent show, Seth had gotten busted by his father again for stealing a Degas art book and looking at tits on painted ballerinas
18:27 – Seth didn’t get “Class Clown” in his middle school yearbook, but he did later in high school. He saw a dude with a Spuds McKenzie shirt on the first day of school and he let him know about it, brought in his Spuds cozy and decided he had four years to prove himself. He also won “Biggest Sports Fan” and “Best School Spirit.”
18:50 – Jah didn’t get to earn superlatives because he went to all fucked-up alternative schools where there were 15 kids and six teachers. Jah had a gay teacher in his boarding school, and he went over to their off-campus house for dinner where there was a gay couple making them dinner. Seth: “Hey you guys want to do some origami before appetizers? … Why are you at this guy’s house barefoot, playing didge, smoking weed and having origami sessions?!”
25:34 – Jah asks Seth to rehash the story (from Episode 095, 35:13 and Episode 007, 15:48) about Seth’s friend who did a stretch in the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, and the guards would shut off Friends episodes 5 minutes before the ending just to frustrate the inmates
27:20 – Seth brings up Jah’s story about stealing the nug from the guy in the teepee, making fun of him for acting incredulous at being accused, as a Rasta, for thievery. (Episode 124, 26:53)
31:21 – Jah went to pick Justine up from Cedar Sinai Hospital after her knee surgery, and he saw a sign at the hospital that said something about SAFE BABY DROP and had a diagram. Seth says the only places you can legally drop a kid 30 days from the birth are hospitals, fire stations and the UYD studio. Seth says that if a baby is dropped at the studio, they will raise the baby as their own and it will become the President.
47:36 – Jah remembers the first kid who started saying gasunheicht when someone would sneeze, then kept saying it throughout the school year
56:42 – Seth recalls when he got his Spuds McKenzie cozy on his eighth grade Washington DC trip, when he saw a dude selling blue blockers. Jah agrees that 1987 was a great year – it was the year he began listening to hip-hop music
26:38 – Jah was watching a 9-year-old on the side of the road, and he was sitting on the curb with his body contorted in a weird way. Jah figured out he was texting and his body was all jacked up trying to do it on his tiny phone. Jah thought he was too young to be texting, then realized he’s old as balls
34:54 – Jah took a flight last week on Virgin America, which he compared to being inside of an iMac because everything is ambient lighting and white plastic and everything has a sheen to it. In-flight entertainment was tv, video games, internet access, drinks you can order from the screen by swiping your credit card and an ichat where you can talk to other passengers on the plane. Jah says there were super fruit gay flight attendants on board
41:14 – On Jah’s return flight, he was running quite late and got checked in, gave his boarding pass and entered a long line at security. He got to where it split into the 3-4 metal detectors, and a guy in front of him opened a bottle of water and started drinking it. Jah walks around him and asks if he could jump ahead, the guy nods with a mouthful of water and when Jah had gotten 4-5 feet away the guy said “Just pay it forward. Let somebody else go around you in line next time.”
52:49 – Seth was at a baseball practice as a young boy standing on the pitcher’s mound going apeshit, scratching his head, and someone realized that one of his teammates had lice and they were all sharing the same helmet
53:36 – In preschool, Jah remembers seeing a girl in front of him pulling a piece of her hair to the side and Jah could visibly see eggs in her infested hair (Episode 039, 39:35)
2:17 – Seth went into a Taco Bell and couldn’t get past the odor in the lobby. He ordered beans, rice, sour cream and guacamole. They covered the beans in a gross red sauce but didn’t mind the beans as is. The rice was disgusting, the sour cream was just OK and the guacamole was disgusting. He did, however, love the caramel apple empanada, even though it burned his mouth when he bit into it.
8:47 – When Jah was in Barcelona, sitting outside of a topless place waiting to get inside, he was talking with Simon. He looks up and Dallas Raines, an LA meteorologist, is walking past him, and Jah blurted out “Dallas Raines” the same way he did with James Worthy. Jah told Dallas he was awesome. Jah tries to explain what happened, looked up and saw two very attractive teenagers, and realizes that they’re with Joan Allen.
11:37 – Seth saw Shirley McClain in Abiquie, N.M., when he fled there for Y2K. He was standing by a grocery store with his friend John Buckley and had just seen her at the Egyptian in Hollywood.
15:45 – Seth is in Larchmont sitting on a bench, looking at a dude who is so tanned that he’s orange. He’s probably on crystal, wearing denim shorts and a Hollister t-shirt. A girl rolls up to pick him up and goes “You look so F-ing tan!” Orange dude replies “I’ve been tanning my ass off!” and they roll out.
27:25 – Jah has 2 stories, and tells Seth he has to choose. One is something that happened recently and involves someone from the past, while the other one took place many years ago and involved a girl he was having relations with. Seth chooses the most recent one. Here goes: Last weekend Jah went to a bar, PJ’s, with his friend Dimitri. Jah was moderately stoned, got to the door and the song “Californication” is playing at a loud volume. The place is packed with some middle-of-the-road 20-somethings. They get up to the bar, Jah orders a Newcastle, Dimitri orders a cocktail. Jah is turned away from the bar not enjoying himself, and gets a nudge from a dude who says “What are you hippies doing in my bar?” They turn around and it’s a dude his height with a backward canvas hat. The guy talks about “I see you guys from a mile away and it’s like ding-ding-ding.” Guy says his name is Johnny also, and reveals a Ween hat with the song “Johnny on the Spot” on it. Dude gives Jah his phone number and says to come by some time. Jah looks at Dimitri coyly and says “I got a phone number.” D meets a girl there and Jah is out of sorts. The bar starts shutting down, Jah goes outside, they spot two girls and D identifies one as a vegan chef. D asks Jah if he wants to roll to a party with them, and it turns out it’s “Johnny on the Spot’s” house. Jah sees people on the street in front of the place, looks up and sees a guy his age and sees that it’s Mike, a guy who used to be his boy but got kicked out of school in the 11th grade. Jah is pretty sure he was wearing a Phish shirt that he had in 11th grade. Mike, whose last name rhymes with lobotomy, offers to play some songs from his bluegrass band, and they go inside the acid-drenched apartment. A jam ensues, and Johnny on the Spot plays banjo. Dimitri is shut down, and in the middle of the jam Jah gets so uncomfortable that he picks up a guitar and starts playing. There’s a dude playing bongos, and Mike is all of a sudden shirtless. The girls they went with have been drinking a lot, and one of them is basically asleep. The jam ends, Mike moves across the room and puts his arm around the girl. Mike pulls out his phone, and is whispering in the girl’s ear, and Jah tells the girl’s friend that they’re leaving. Mike is pushing up on the girl at this point, 5-6 minutes go by. The girls say Mike is a fucking creep, he was pulling her into the kitchen as they were leaving. Jah declares it was the worst night ever. The guy has Jah’s phone number and is now listening to the show, during which Jah is ripping on him. Seth wishes he would’ve asked for the other story. Jah pledges it will come next week.
47:00 – Seth recalls a school assembly where they pump the smell of marijuana into the school cafeteria, and Seth got upset and said it smelled like his daddy. Seth comes to the realization that his dad would let him ride the go-carts, go for a walk and come back with that weird smell. “Your father has a lot on his mind, son.” Seth: “Yes he does.”
57:31 – Seth recalls that when they first started the show, Jah’s mother thought Seth was really into firefighters and wondered if he had a crush on them (Episode 003, 0:57)
1:26 – Seth and Jonathan reminisce on their old Big Wheels. Jah had a Dukes of Hazzard Big Wheel, and looked even cooler when he could pull the plastic seat all the way back, and he could do a spin-out with the power brake. His parents have a picture of Jah butt-naked on the Big Wheel, where he is acting like he just got shot
7:28 – Jah admits that he wore a rosary at one point as an accoutrement/accessory. Seth tries to wrap his head around it. Jah thinks he wore this around his Catholic school time
28:32 – Jah is walking around the 3rd Street Promenade today, and walks past the Apple Store and sees 400 people in it buying crazy stuff. It makes him wonder if it really is tough economic times for everyone. Seth reinforces this when he says he went in there to get a new cord for his laptop and saw hundreds of people in there. Seth also sees people at Whole Foods dropping $260 in a single visit
43:10 – Jonathan went to the Playboy Mansion when he was a 9- or 10-year-old kid for a fundraiser that his family attended. The Bunnies were waitressing with full satin bunny outfits and ears. He remembers walking around the pool and getting taken into the grotto to see hot topless girls, going into the arcade room, walking into a waterbed room that had color TVs cut into the walls, and Jah got a kid-boner while a normal 30-year-old woman asked him if he was supposed to be there. He then mustered up the courage to introduce himself to the Hogan brothers (Jeremy Licht and Luis Daniel Ponce) from the Hogan Family, who were sitting at a table together.
47:34 – Jah delivers on his other story that he promised in Episode 133. Approximately 10 years ago, he was hanging out with a girl he had known for a long time, and they started sleeping together. They meet a few times at his apartment. Jah reveals that he has a very sensitive right nipple that can be stimulated during intercourse, and this girl, of course, was aware of this. It’s late one night, and it comes down to do the deed. She asks if he has a condom, he opens the drawer and the wrapper to the condom was opened, so he says he can’t use it and it’s his last one. She wants him to go to the store, but it’s 3:30 a.m. and he doesn’t want to leave. She’s miffed about this and they’re both worked up at this point. Jah is laying down in the bed during this cool-down moment, and she lays next to him on his bare chest, moves toward his nipple and bites down on it in an excruciating way. Jah instinctually hits her on top of her head with a gavel striking motion, and she looks up at him and has vacated the premises, then falls over eyes crossed. Jah yells “Why did you do that!” over and over again. She got up and was completely out of it, and that was the last time they ever slept together. Jah saw her years later and they talked about B.S. at a New Year’s party. The incident didn’t even get brought up because enough time had passed.
2:19 – Seth was watching a recording on his new DVR, and there was an emergency alert system about a missing child, it popped out of what he was watching and goes to the station Seth had left it on last. Seth went from watching the Colbert Report, then got the EMS message, then got the QVC that he had been watching at 3:30 a.m. the night before. He was also trying to watch a close call in a football game in slow motion, but his cable DVR doesn’t make it go slow enough to catch the details
9:03 – Jah starts to tell a story about being in a supermarket, then stops himself to ask Seth hypothetically: “When you go in line and there’s only one checker open, and you see somebody standing in line with nothing in their hands, do you let them go ahead if you’re shopping.” Seth: “Never, unless they’re elderly or female.” Jah says that Seth can’t take the courtesy if he never gives it, the same way that you have to let people in front of you in traffic so you can do your own cutting later
10:32 – Seth describes his Sunday night dinner: Taco Bell, two sides, just beans and a caramel apple empanada. Stops by the 7-11, gets a peanut butter Cliff bar, a Diet Sunkist and a Strawberry Muscle Milk
14:56 – Jah’s question about John Wayne Bobbit’s porn – John Wayne Uncut – segues into Seth’s story about going to see that movie at The Combat Zone in Boston. The Combat Zone is a shady area of Boston, and he went with two of his buddies in 1993 but they couldn’t go in there. They were both actors and Seth got mad at them, asked them to play characters because they used to get on the T and create elaborate acting situations involving reunions, etc., but wouldn’t go into the theater with Seth. They paid the money and stood in the back but there was all kinds of jerking off and bleached cum everywhere, forcing Seth to dodge loads everywhere
17:04 – Jah: “I ….” Seth: “You OK?” Jah: “I came on my own face today.” Jah apologizes to his and Seth’s mother for saying this, then claims that he was horizontal, not vertical when this happened. Seth has knocked posters off of walls before. Jah: “I had straight jizz beard this morning.” Seth: “Hey can I have a piadini?” “Sir there’s something on your eyelash.”
24:03 – When Jah was a kid he would say “duckin’ ashtoes” because he would hear his dad say “fucking assholes” and that’s how he interpreted it as a child
40:30 – Seth’s dad would take a stick and put it in the sand and tell Seth what time it was. Jah also did that back in the day. Jah also made fire by rubbing a stick around
55:20 – When Seth saw Tiesto at Ibiza, he took two red Ferraris, before he knew it he was in the middle of the beach at 3 a.m. shirtless, those things kicked in, the girl next to him took a compact mirror out and pulled his face to make out with him because she was getting so excited about it. Jah: “That was the most real fake story I’ve heard.”
21:10 – Seth asks Jah to put his microphone out as he does the same and they pick up some audio of a girl screaming. It turns out that this is a fold-out from a magazine, which Seth was reading at 3 a.m. in complete silence on his couch. He is shaken with sheer terror to his core as the girl screams in his ear. The ad is for Spike channel’s Scream 2008 schedule for Oct. 21
26:21 – Seth was watching an MMA fight on CBS and laughed at the fact that the announcer kept working in horrible plugs for other CBS shows. In the middle of two guys squaring off: It’s a pure domination, it’s similar to the way CSI dominates the primetime ratings. … That groundwork, see he is pinned and cornered down, but he will not tap out, he’s a Survivor, similar to the CBS show Survivor, where they have a tribal council, but you must stay in and survive.
49:39 – Jah was driving home after the show last week, getting onto the freeway. He had the windows open and music on, and he was really thinking about the Blind vs. Deaf argument (Episode 135, 31:29). After much pondering, Jah came to the conclusion that he couldn’t fathom not being able to look at Seth. And Seth says that he couldn’t fathom not listening to Jah. Jah says that they couldn’t do the show if they were both deaf.
29:22 – Seth has really been sizing some situations up lately. He’s been carrying his notebook and pen in hand, because sometimes when it comes right down to it he feels you “just have to write it down.” He says the assignment this week for all listeners should be to carry said paper and pen and instead of speaking to a person during the course of their day, they need to write it down – similar to how Seth did it at Leaf in Episode 015, 20:09.
33:51 – Jah was driving down the street the other day and saw a bushy-haired 17-year-old kid with acne looking pretty stoned driving a Nissan Xterra and wrote PHISH: MARCH 6, 7 & 8 in grease marker on all three windows. This is Jah’s homie.
35:02 – Seth was at a Phish show in San Francisco at some big outdoor venue when they moved their first chess piece – it was labeled one of the 5 greatest Phish shows of all time. Seth doesn’t really remember it so well because he was so high he was on the ground leaning on the exhaust pipe of the car he drove up in, and the person who drove it turned the car on and came back out and asked him if he was cool. Seth didn’t even realize he turned it on.
7:56 – Seth went to the California Science Center today and saw a traveling exhibit for school kids across America called Target America: Opening Eyes to the Damage Drugs Cause. Seth got there at 10 a.m., joined the kids who were on a field trip and he got bum-rushed on the third floor. He saw an actual jungle cocaine processing plant, while sitting with a 6-year-old black boy and an 8-year-old white girl. He saw recreations like a crack house with a tipped over baby crib and a handgun next to the bed, a bedroom of a teen girl who accessed the web to get illegal drugs – a scary scene for Seth, another where you press a red button and lights come up and a hotel rises up, you’re in any motel in the country, where they’re making crystal meth. He also was surrounded by hoop nightmares, where he was making shots, then he put on the glasses that recreated intoxication and missed shots and kids laughed at him. He walked through a drug smuggling tunnel as well.
2:18 – Jah has a little bit of a beef with Michael Keaton, and he says he will tell us shortly
2:58 – Jah was about 15-16 years old and was in Sun Valley, Idaho, snowboarding. His family was going up there quite a bit and his parents were about to move up there. It was during the holiday season, and at some point in his snowboarding day, the Rasta-fied Jonathan wearing full dreds and his snowboarding rigout went into the lodge to get a cup of coffee and sit down for a while. He sits at a table by himself, and he’s trying to look cool with all these girls his age walking around. As Jah looks up, Michael Keaton is sitting at an adjacent table and he has just said something to all the people at the table, Keaton is looking at Jah and all the people turn and look at him as well and burst out laughing
9:02 – Jonathan was served some legal papers this week pertaining past speeding tickets and failure to appear. It’s gone to collections but he’s dragging ass taking care of it because it’s expensive
9:50 – Seth was on the phone with Jah this week and some old man got Jah so mad on the road that he threatened to “eat him” after the old man was making gestures in the rear-view mirror to make sure Jah recognized his presence (similar to road rage story from Episode 063)
13:28 – Seth went to a carnivale in West Hollywood. He was walking down the street with his friend Teddy and sees Kevin Pollack walk past him in black face and Army fatigue camo. Everyone is on drugs and there are helicopters flying overhead, it’s mass pandemonium. Seth hits Teddy to inform that this is Kevin Pollack. Pollack gets excited that he recognizes him, and says “I’m the dude playing the dude that’s disguised as another dude!” referring to Robert Downey Jr.’s character in Tropic Thunder.
47:56 – Jah talks about a voting experience he had: he walked into the oldest crop of people volunteering to help, and hears a dude walk in with an Eastern European accent. They tell him he’s registered over at the fire station, and needs to go over there to vote. They offer to let him go there or do a provisional ballot at the current location. He grabs the provisional ballot, fills it out. Jah sees him – he’s wearing bleached True Religion jeans with huge boot cuts and super-long cowboy boots, sunglasses and a silk shirt. Jah hears him going through it and is making so much noise, and is talking about how hard he has to press to make it go through. One of the volunteers informs him that he’s using a marker, and he doesn’t need to push it through. Then he tells him to maybe take his glasses off, and the man replies that “Yeah, I’m getting old and need glasses” so he doesn’t get it.
8:50 – Jonathan had a “minor” episode while driving today. He was on Wilshire, turning left onto Santa Monica in Beverly Hills. He was trying to get over into a double left turn lane from two lanes over, he signals to get over into a gap and starts to accelerate, and a Dodge Caravan accelerates and gets on his ass by the time he gets over. Jah looks in his rear-view mirror and sees what appears to be a mom and her daughter. He gets in the lane, and faces a double-double yellow emergency lane until it gets to the turn lanes. Traffic slows to about 20 mph and the Caravan driver guns it through the emergency lane and gets back in front of Jah. Jah looks at the back of the car for the first time, where he sees a Jesus fish with the cross inside of the fish, and a license plate holder that says CHRISTIANS AREN’T PERFECT, THEY’RE JUST FORGIVEN BY A GOD WHO IS. Jah immediately gets furious, and rides her ass for about four traffic lights after that. Seth: “Screaming ‘No on 8’ after her?”
20:08 – Seth watched Wifeswap this week and calls it “quality fucking shit.” This is his new favorite show
56:42 – Jonathan has been in a gun store before, and transitions into a series of events that involved him once getting a hunting rifle for a trip he and his father took, at a cattle ranch where they could shoot prairie dogs b/c the prairie dogs dig holes that the cattle trip into and then get eaten by coyotes. At this point in Jah’s life he thought he could handle something like this. Another man Mr. Larroquette knew who was a big game hunter went with them. It turned into a difficult experience for Jonathan, who successfully scoped and shot a few prairie dogs and subsequently got fucked up by it. He did, however, have fun shooting targets with the guns. One night they were all sitting around the campfire talking about guns, and one guy had a Gloc handgun with him with glow-in-the-dark sights. The clip was removed from the gun so Jah sat there with it, with the gun pointed down with his hand on his leg. The gun all of a sudden went off, and fired a round that was in the chamber straight into the ground between his two feet. As soon as it goes off Jah’s ears ring and he’s in total shock
25:55 – On Wednesday morning, a complete stranger walked by Seth and just said “Obama!” Seth was flabbergasted because it’s almost December, but Jonathan says it’s understandable because everyone in LA is partying hard. Seth also says he read about two people hooking up and while they were boning down the girl was moaning “Obama…”
50:28 – Seth says there are some punk kids in his neighborhood that have tagged the front of his apartment building claiming their set. He says a bunch of them sit out front and smoke blunts, and they have drawn an elaborate marijuana leaf that has all their names written by it
52:19 – Jonathan’s mom dropped him off at the worst daycare once. He said it was a nightmare; a scarring childhood experience. The worst part of it was that his mom didn’t want to leave him either but had no choice at the time. It was a hellpit of a house filled with filthy white children, dirty East LA sci-ti kids. He literally saw lice jumping off kids’ heads, the place smelled like puke and cheap dinner. “It was like where you go to get fucking killed. I didn’t think I was coming back.” Jah’s mom didn’t see what he saw, but he had a full-fledged panic attack
2:07 – Seth was a letter carrier for the United States Postal Service for one summer. He carried spray mace, which he sprayed on a dog, but the wind blew it back in his face and on his forearms, and he got to go home for the day because it burned. There was also a day where he delivered an entire street of mail to the wrong side of the street. He didn’t do anything to correct it. There was another time that he went by a big mailbox that led into a residential area, which he was supposed to have been emptying for the last three weeks, and he finally opened it and the mail dumped out onto the ground. He would jack people’s Sports Illustrated magazines and other publications he liked to read
6:36 – Jah bought a cassette four-track recorder from a guy in an office building in the Valley last year through a Craig’s List ad. He went to meet him and was pretty sure there was a fair amount of cocaine done in that office. The guy told Jah there was an old tape in it, and it turned out to be Warrant. By the end of the conversation the dude was inviting Jah to go see Warrant with him that night at the House of Blues
22:07 – Jah’s friend was watching a dude getting a blowjob in West Hollywood once in a station wagon, and the bumper sticker on the back said HAPPINESS IS BEING A GRANDPA
22:23 – When Seth says “suck it hippie,” Jah wonders when Seth said someone would say that to Jonathan after forcing him to blow him. Seth says it was Huell Howser (Episode 017, 51:48). A gay dude Seth knew was with other friends of his and they hooked up with Huell and Huell said “suck it hippie.” Huell is an old-timey dude from Oklahoma who’s on public access touring everything you could possibly tour in California. Huell tried to get up on Seth’s shit in Larchmont, and Seth avoided him.
23:50 – Seth was in a knock-off of a 99 Cents Store buying index cards down the street. He put them on the counter and there was a cute young girl working there. He’s getting out a dime to go with his dollar because the total is $1.07. He’s looking and there’s pregnancy tests behind the counter, and he asks for a few of them because he knows he’ll have fun with them handing them to girls he knows. He’s taking money out of his back pocket to buy the tests, and the cashier pushes them toward him and says “They’re good.” Seth backs away slowly and walks to his car, insinuating that she was being dead serious.
59:52 – Seth was talking to a dude today who grew up in England. A girl Seth knows was married to a British guy, so she gave him a British aptitude test, and Seth was like “let’s burn this fool!” She took it from a bunch of different angles and he got all 10 questions wrong. Seth talked smack to the guy and then gave him an American aptitude test, and asked him “who was the character in Cheers when he came into the bar everyone yelled out his name?” The dude looked at him like he had no idea what he was talking about, and then said “don’t give me old people shit though.”
1:01:39 – Seth was driving listening to his country station on the radio and they were announcing a giveaway for 3 nights in Vegas, and the trivia question was Who has an amusement park named Dollywood after her? A) Tim McGraw, B) Shania Twain or C) Dolly Parton? Seth almost drives the Plymouth Sundance off the road as the DJ tries to dumb it down for the listeners
0:37 – When Jonathan was in boarding school, there was a call that he and his buddies made to each other because the campus was so big and when they’d go hiking they’d want to know if they were people they wanted to see or not. The call was howdoyouknow really fast and called kind of like a bird and they had to reply with the same call
14:55 – Jah is still flipping out about how cheap gas is. He walked into a gas station to buy cigarettes two hours ago, gave the cashier a card and the guy scoffed at him and was like “No gas? Why not? Look what happened.” Jah couldn’t believe when he looked at the sign and it was $1.60
16:21 – Jah bought a $6.10 pack of cigarettes from a 7-11 the other night (Camel Non-Filters)
24:38 – Seth brushes off the fact that he spent a day with Britney Spears back in 2001 while acting in the movie Crossroads, then spills some honesty. The day he went to the set, he thought it was the single best thing ever, and he would love it forever. He went to the trailer, and they told him where hair and makeup was. There was an enormous black security dude standing there, and they stopped him, and someone with a headset said to let Seth in, and when he came in he sat down next to Britney Spears while she was getting her hair and makeup done. “What happened in that trailer? I will never tell.” Jah: “No, you shouldn’t. Because it was a disaster.” Seth: “It was between me, it was between Britney—” Jah: “And the Los Angeles Police Department.”
42:13 – Seth shares a somewhat frightening story about carbon monoxide in his apartment. Around this time last year Seth was kneeling down and Jah said “The whole room turned upside down.” And Seth agreed that he had had a splitting headache all day. Jah left that night, Seth watched TV until 3 or 4 in the morning. He woke up with a headache that was really bad all day and all night. He had to kneel down at one point in the show and convinced himself it was because he drank so many Diet Pepsi Maxes. He called his mother and she asked if the gas was on. The morning before on Thursday morning it was so cold that he turned the heat on, but they hadn’t lit the furnaces in the basement, so the apartment had been filling since 10 a.m. Thursday morning. Jah got there at 10 p.m. Thursday night and noticed something. Seth called the Fire Department on Friday and they had to send somebody else. Seth was embarrassed to tell Jonathan that he almost killed him. Seth’s mom got him a carbon monoxide detector because she loves him so much
59:00 – Jah got a $75 parking ticket right before the show started for parking in the red zone in front of Seth’s house, and they tacked on another $25 ticket for not having a front license plate on the bumper (he had it in the windshield)
2:34 – Seth was on the phone with Jonathan today, they got off the phone, Jonathan said something that made Seth drop the phone, then Seth called Jah back 3 times in a row and Jah never picked it back up. Jah forgets what he said, but Seth reminds him: “Ciao.”
7:16 – Jah knew a girl named Savannah who was so cute in a summer acting camp that he went to. Seth calls it “Camp Actingcamp”
8:25 – Jah reveals that his driver’s license photo is dreadful. Seth describes Jah as leaning back, eyes half closed, gritting his teeth, full beard mustache, looking as if he’s “committed things that could or could not be deemed unsavory.” It’s the kind of license where you hand it to an officer and you are getting a ticket. Jah explains that it was an accident. He had to redo something and show up there again and take another picture. It was in between the two pictures when she took that picture, and Jah couldn’t believe it. There were people behind him and rather than asking to redo the photo he just said “fine.” Seth brought hair & makeup in with him to the Sherman Oaks DMV so he could get a legit license photo
15:35 – Jonathan remembers filling out a couple college admissions essays, but he never sent them out with applications because he never took his SATs. Seth thinks they should both go on a Saturday morning and take their SATs with high school kids. Jah thinks he might still be able to give the administrators a note that says he has ADD and he can take the test untimed
30:55 – Jah doesn’t currently have a TV. He has two of them in his apartment but neither of them are plugged in and neither have cable hookup, etc. He realizes this is the first time in his life he’s ever been without one
36:46 – There was a restaurant Seth went into a few years ago after he got sober on Sunset – it opened in 1978 so for the weekend it was rolling back the prices to 1978. The dudes were wearing bell bottoms and Seth got his mack on with four breakfast entrees for $7.
46:23 – Seth brings up his bad days of letter carrying (Episode 143, 2:07). He also had a friend from Texas send him photos of him with an actual mobster, Henry Hill (portrayed by Ray Liotta in Goodfellas). He gets home Friday night and sees a note in the mailbox that he has something at the post office. He goes down to the post office Saturday morning and gets through about three sections of the paper before they open the window and act confused as to where it is. Forty-five minutes later they tell him they lost it and they’ll look for it. Seth got home on Saturday night and the envelope with the photos was under his door (This is the same Nat King Cole Post Office that when his mother sent him his Christmas stocking that he used every year his whole life and she arrived in LA and it was lost, and she was bawling in the post office, and Seth hugs her and mouths to the employees Are you happy? Look at this.).
48:58 – Seth gets a phone call from a buddy of his, Andy, living in Long Island, who tells him he and his mother got his Christmas card – kind of. They got the envelope with no card in it in a bag with a note saying it had been damaged in transit. While Seth is telling his mother about this, his mother tells him that Rob and Deena (his mother’s best friend’s son and wife) in Maryland got the card but it was just the envelope. Seth thinks the reason for the mishap is that he bought some cheap 99-cent store cards and you had to put it perfectly in the envelope otherwise the corner of it would tear the edge of it. Seth’s mom laughs and thinks it’s funny, but Seth starts panicking because he’s sent hundreds of them. Jah says he’s received texts this week asking to tell Seth thanks for the Christmas cards
51:23 – Jah also had something happen this week. A long time ago he talked about having his identity stolen, people starting up accounts and putting his name on it. He had called the people and told them it was fraudulent, they were supposed to send him an affadavit which never came. He thought it was rectified. The other day he got a letter from a different collections agency regarding the same account – Sam’s Club (Episode 056, 47:51). Seth calls the number and gets on the phone with the dude, who’s being super cool and casual on the phone. He tells Jah he’s been on both ends of this and he understands completely. Jah thinks his name is something like Charles. Charles basically gets up front with Jah, telling him it’s such a drawn-out crazy process, and says, “Just pay it.” Over the process of 10 minutes he convinces Jah to just cut the $177 check and take care of it. He’ll then receive the letter and it will go off his credit – which it’s been on his credit for more than a year
4:14 – Jah remembers a nativity scene in Malibu, and the baby Jesus got stolen one year. The next year Jonathan walked up to the nativity scene and it was basically the exact same baby Jesus but it had a giant steel bolt through its stomach into the foundation
39:13 – Jah woke up the other day and was convinced he sent a crazy e-mail to somebody, but it was just a really vivid dream
42:51 – Seth saw a lady the other day with a Hilary Clinton bumper sticker
43:47 – Jah got frustrated at the dude who had already painted his address on his curb and tried to knock on his door and look at him like an asshole when Jah told him he didn’t want him to do it or put the American flag stencil on it either
50:53 – Jonathan was convinced that he saw Haley Joel Osment at the Jogger concert last night. It was a little guy walking around in a canvas hat and blazer and totally age appropriate. Jah got so close to him and wasn’t sure if it was him or not
2:00 – Jonathan got pulled over by a cop and got a ticket for talking on his cell phone. Jah argued with the motorcycle cop about what was illegal about what he was doing, because he was talking to Dimitri holding it on speaker and didn’t have it on his ear. The cop interrupted him and said “I NEED TO SEE YOUR LICENSE!” The guy took 20 minutes to fill out the ticket while Jah is sitting there texting. On their way to M 10 minutes later Jah pulls up and is holding his phone talking to Josiah the web designer. Dimitri asks Jah what he’s thinking
6:48 – Jonathan had a problem uploading the podcast this week, and while he was trying to upload it there was a TV in the room with the movie Definitely Maybe playing on it. Halfway through the third act, Jonathan realized he had cried 4 different times at 4 different scenes in the movie. He blames part of this on the fact that he has an old sweet dog who may die and he’s coming to terms with that. He starts yelling “What the fuck is wrong with me!?” out loud.
18:51 – Seth was playing The Sopranos pinball game, which was a panic attack compared to the old-school pinball game Jah’s dad gave Seth, “Fire.” Seth got some sort of a high score and it gave him the same amount of letters to type in as it did when he was 8 years old – 3 letters. So he put in RMA for Roma, not UYD (Episode 068, 56:17)
2:06 – Seth can feel that the 3-year Mayan calendar creep is officially on because he was in a CVS and they were selling Quetzalcoatyl merchandise. He is not scared of that, but is scared of the Valentine’s Day creep because he was in a Rite-Aid and they were selling all kinds of candy. He’s going to go to the International Star Registry and register a star under UYD so someday a listener can go there and listen to the show from Constellation UYD
3:22 – Jah reluctantly accepts that it is 2009. He wrote it down in a bank today and his stomach got a little queasy
21:43 – Jonathan shot off 2 different guns on New Year’s but has no idea how many bullets he sprayed because he was in a full tequila blackout
29:45 – Jonathan and Seth recall cruising while seeing boy/twink tracks all the time in the mid-90s, seeing full trannys and then moving more east and seeing Judas Priest fans. Seth would see them from Gower to Wilton. Jah says it still goes off on Santa Monica Blvd.
33:36 – Seth was at LAX the night Jah dropped him off after doing Episode 147 before flying to Boston. He was trying to get a celeb because he rarely gets them at the airport. Seth sees Ben Lyons, the awful film critic from E! He noticed Ben looking around waiting for someone to recognize him, which reminded him of when he saw Eric Bana doing the same thing for 45 minutes at the Arclight. Seth gets back to Boston and tells his mom about seeing Lyons, then he’s reading an article in the Calendar section of his Boston Globe– “Is Ben Lyons the most hated film critic in America?” Seth thinks this is random, then finds a website devoted to him called stopbenlyons.com, and another E-critics site that has the Ben Lyons quote of the week. He reads quotes from Eric Childress, VP of the Chicago Film Critics Association, saying “…everyone thinks he’s a joke,” etc. In 2007 Lyons called 300 one of the best films of the last 25 years, yet didn’t put it on his end-of-the-year Top 10 list – although Black Snake Moan did. He also called I Am Legend “one of the greatest movies ever made.” Lyons also praised Zohan and said “the honeymoon from Titanic is definitely over…” in reference to Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett in Revolutionary Road, yet Titanic ended with DiCaprio drowning and freezing to death in the ocean
38:10 – Jah watched Hancock last night and did not enjoy it very much. He said it started out OK, however. Jah was surprised at how many times men in the movie made references to other men’s asses, etc.
40:40 – Seth had a little time to get away and get back to himself over Christmas. He stood in his childhood bathroom, and stood in the window and looked out at a view he’s seen countless times, yet he saw it in a way he’s never experienced before. It had a profound effect on him, and he brought it back with him to Los Angeles
42:05 – On Christmas Eve, Jonathan was in a bar and was outside, and a girl walked up to him who was extremely drunk, and began flirting with him and telling him he looked like Chris Robinson. She made Jah take down his hair and began kissing it, and then she introduced him to her boyfriend, whom he awkwardly spoke to. He goes back in and begins drinking a beer, and then she goes up to Dimitri and starts taking it to him and whispering in his ear about Jonathan. She said she wanted to go home and adjust her bra so they could see her body. She puts her hand on the inside of Jah’s thigh, pinches in and says “My boyfriend doesn’t care.” Jah: “About what?” Girl: “About anything!!” She hangs out, going back and forth, putting in an occasional 30 seconds with her boyfriend who is literally 5 feet away from them
11:10 – Seth and Jah reminisce on seeing Minority Report together at the Arclight a few years ago when a man stood up and said “Shame on you Spielberg!” (Episode 051, 36:35)
26:40 – When Seth’s childhood babysitter, Ginger Whitehouse, didn’t let Seth watch Superman, he pulled his prick out and pissed on the rug
36:06 – Jah was talking to his friend the other day and during the conversation recalls a story from a long time ago – he and a friend were standing outside of a place in Hollywood and they were saying goodbye to a bunch of people. One of them was a girl, who left and walked across the crosswalk of Santa Monica Blvd. As she’s walking, this Corvette hauls ass and tries to go through as she’s walking, screeches up to her and almost hits her. She smacks the roof of the car and yells at the guy. Dude makes a left and pulls over, at this point Jah and his homies are three-quarters of a block away on the opposite side of the street. They see him pull over, and it’s dark and late, and they see him get up in her shit and grab her. Jah’s boy Jimmy runs up the street with a backpack on, and as he gets to him, he pops his two straps off his shoulders and as he goes back he drops his two arms behind him, lets the backpack slide off his shoulders, and leans backwards and kicks the dude square in his chest, and the dude launches through the air, falls over and gets into his car. Jimmy runs up the street, Jah gets in his car, a block west of them and goes down and makes a right-hand turn onto the side street. He sees the Corvette pull up and clip Jimmy as he crosses the street. As it clips him, Jimmy puts his hand on the roof of the car and pushes himself up off it, then rolls off the hood, Jah picks Jimmy up in his car and they call the cops. Two minutes later there are sheriffs everywhere, and 4 minutes later they radioed another guy and said they think they caught him. The dude lived a block away, had just pulled his car into the driveway, and they went into his house and found a bunch of stolen diamonds. They walk him out, flash the light on him and they confirm it’s him as they’re sitting in the back of the police cruiser. Seth: “Bottom line is by coming to a lady’s rescue you broke up Southern California’s biggest jewelry ring.” Jah: “No, bottom line is by coming to a lady’s rescue you get to cum on a lady.”
49:49 – Seth watched Boomerang on Comedy Central the other day and Eddie Murphy was making him laugh. His defense is that that was a long time ago. Jonathan does us one more: He sat the other night and watched 20-30 minutes of a George Carlin comedy special (“Back In Town” that was funny and wasn’t old-old. Jah couldn’t watch more recent specials because Carlin was too old and bitter
52:49 – Seth is standing in the juice place on Franklin, Real Raw Live. The juice costs $14 and he couldn’t believe that. There’s a guy talking to a really attractive girl behind Seth and says “You know, I think I really only have two great albums in me.” Seth turns around 180 degrees, looks the dude dead in the eye, stares at him for 3 long paused seconds where their conversation stops and Seth turns back around and spends $48 on a Raw Bar and a juice
55:09 – Jah was in Guitar Center with Amir shopping for equipment, and this trio of teens walks in – two dudes and one girl. The dudes plug in guitars and start playing awesome speed metal, and the girl – whom Jah has seen making out with her boyfriend in this store before – looks at Jah and smiles, exposing full metal braces and rubber bands. Jah walks around the kiosk to look at a guitar on the other side, and the girl turns away from him for a second. She’s wearing a flannel button-down shirt unbuttoned and a tiny tank top and bra, and pulls down her shirt and pulls her bra apart to get her boobs sorted out, and continues staring at Jah. Jah doesn’t think she was a day over 14
5:19 – Seth bought a Los Angeles Times on Monday, and was getting his money out and the cashier said “Eighty-one cents.” The second he said it, Seth’s head went to the corner of the paper and the price said .75 intead of .50 and muttered “motherfuckers. The cashier replied “Yeah…”
5:50 – Jonathan saw Sarah Michelle Gellar today in traffic. She congratulated UYD on their 150th episode. Seth thinks she and FPJ (Freddie Prinze Jr.) will both smoke a bowl, kick back and listen to 150
6:29 – Seth had chicken pox when he was younger, and Jonathan had them at age 11. He got them the week his class was taking a trip to Catalina. He was so excited about going on the trip and got the pox so bad, and was pretty bummed when he couldn’t go.
8:35 – Seth got a traffic violation this week and hands it to Jonathan to read: VIOLATION 127315: DRIVER NOT WEARING SEATBELT. Another violation: DRIVER PASSED NUMEROUS VEHICLES IN THE PARKING LANE. Seth is mad that he received this violation because he drove through that lane and pulled into the parking lot off of the parking lane in Western because there weren’t any cars there, and he pulled in to fill up his bottles of Alps Drinking Water. The cop walks up as Seth is pulling into the lane and unbuckling his seatbelt to reach for some change. Seth explains what he was doing and the cop goes “nice try.” Cop tells Seth he can’t pass cars on the right, Seth explains he was pulling in to the lot and shows him the empty water bottle. Cop asks for license and registration and insurance, and as the cop is walking away Seth goes “read the sticker on the back of my car.” The sticker says UYD: SEATBELTS. Cop comes back and hands Seth the ticket. Instead of pulling into the lot, Seth has to sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic to move six car lengths to make a right, pulls into the drive, gets out of his car, then stands and stares at the cop. Jah recommends that Seth fight the ticket
17:24 – When Seth got pulled over, he had some BS in his car, and sitting on top of everything in the bag were two medicated gingerbread cookies. Seth was worried that he would be discovered by the cop because it was hot outside and it would draw the aromas out. He was going to see his hairdresser, Luis, and wanted to share
18:55 – Seth went to a Christmas party with a Secret Santa exchange and had forgotten to bring a gift, so he goes back to the Plymouth Sundance, gets a Starbucks bag and puts in a Bible and a pregnancy test. He walks upstairs, drops the bag and is standing outside and hears full commotion. The guy who got it was sort of not pleased whereas everyone else was loving it. The Bible had an inscription inside it TO OUR SON BILLY… from like 1989.
23:37 – Seth receives foreign royalties for a little film he was in called Crossroads. He receives $0.90 from Denmark, $8.16 from Germany and another $2.93 from Germany – a total gross of $11.99. Seth: “Thank you, Britney.”
50:58 – Jah’s mom used to put Vicks Vapor Rub on his chest when he was a kid
4:29 – Seth finally saw The Dark Knight, which Jah thinks is funny. Seth still has many questions about what the point of being a Batman is. Seth thinks the movie was way too long and thinks that Heath Ledger didn’t do anything except lick his lips. Jah enjoyed it but not quite as much as everyone else. Jah also points out that Seth is one of the few people who grew up in the U.S. as a child and didn’t get into superheroes. Seth takes it as a compliment to be called a “rarer breed” and pounds it with Jah
20:57 – Seth saw Notorious, then he saw Paul Blart eight hours apart but at the same theater with the same dude tearing his ticket. The look he gave Seth at night the same day he had seen Seth that morning was a mixture of disgust, dispair and fascination. He also called a couple people over and pointed at Seth. Seth says they were both really bad movies. When he saw Paul Blart, he was in a theater of interracial gay couples, groups of tween girls and two 45-year-old women drinking sodas next to him. If he saw anyone in the theater who knows him, he would rather be caught with his pants down in a gay club with a whistle partying.
32:41 – Something happened the other day and Jah decides to tell the whole story. He rides a fixed-gear bicycle and is somewhat of an enthusiast at this point and has been riding it quite a bit. Dimitri has one as well and has been riding with him. Jah says it’a little bit ridiculous because the culture is very trendy, but he is obsessed with it because it’s helped him lose a big amount of weight in a short amount of time. The other day Jah and Dimitri went to eat, but Jah had gotten to the neighborhood earlier, went to Starbucks, tied his bike up and walked over to the restaurant on Montana. They’re sitting at a table outside because D’s bike is propped up by them without a lock on it. They’ve ordered food, and Jah all of a sudden sees a dog running up the street, leash attached, in the middle of traffic. The dog makes a hard left in front of a car, car screeches to a halt. A motorcyclist has been chasing it, a dude on a bike was chasing, and Jah jumps on D’s bike and goes up the neighborhood trying to find the dog. Jah loses the dog but runs into the kid on a bike and starts talking to him. He rides around and doesn’t see it. He comes back, props the bike up and sits down at the table to explain what happened. After a minute sitting there, he sees the dog come back again, run down the same street in the opposite direction going downhill crazier and faster. He jumps back on the bike, but a person he knows is getting into their truck ahead of Jah. He books it down the street on Dimitri’s ultra-slick bike that’s way too small for him. The dog is well ahead of him, and as he’s going down the street he sees a woman 5 blocks away walking across the street screaming, and he realizes it’s the dog’s owner. As he bikes by he goes “What’s your dog’s name?!!!” and she goes “Bailey!! Bailey!!” The hill starts to stop and the dog starts to slow down. Jah gets up on it and sees it’s wearing a Lakers leash. Jah realizes he needs to get close enough, jump out and grab the leash and secure it. He rides up next to it, the dog is covered in saliva, and Jah starts saying the dog’s name over and over. The dog looks at Jah the second time he says it, slows up and goes to make a right in an alley. At the same time Jah goes counter-clockwise as the dog goes clockwise to turn. He gets in front of her, she stops for a second and he dives, grabs the leash and collapses on the ground. He hit his knees pretty hard and jacked D’s bike up a little bit. He looks over and there’s people sitting at a table with their arms folded all grumpy, going, “You OK?” Jah goes “Yeah I’m fine.” Another woman goes “You’ve got your hands full there, don’t you.” Jah gets a little pissed because he assumes they think he’s a negligent dog owner. As this happens, the pickup truck pulls up, passenger door opens up, and the woman dog owner comes out of the truck of the dude who was back at the restaurant, who had picked her up on the way down the hill. The woman dives down, grabs the dog and starts crying. Jonathan looks at the dude who was driving the truck, and it’s Lou Ferrigno. Lou looks at Jah and goes “Great job!” and gives Jonathan a thumbs-up. At the time when he did it, Jah thought it was odd that he was the only person within the 15 blocks that was capable of saving the dog, 1) because of the bike, 2) because of his predisposition to this stuff, and 3) because he has a boner for riding a bike and it was justifiable to ride like a banshee down the street and power-pedal like crazy. Seth: “There were only 2 men that could do it. One of them was in a vehicle and couldn’t do it. The other was Junior Hulk.”
49:04 - Jah met Kelli McCarty a couple years ago but had no idea who she was until she did research about the XXX film she will star in. It was at another dog store he worked in. She was very lovely and a nice dog lover. He was quite smitten with her.
52:27 – Seth ordered the Girls Gone Wild videos for one of his friends as a birthday gift back around 2000 and he got one, then they kept sending another one and another one. He says it was before GGW was a thing, when all they knew was there was a crazy guy named Joe getting girls to do crazy stuff.
55:22 – Jah brings up Seth’s old life as a negligent postal worker (Episode 143, 2:07). He says it wasn’t as much him hoarding mail as it was him seeing boxes on the road that he didn’t know were his and he couldn’t even open them because they had so much mail in them. He would also deliver mail to the wrong address, which he said was his way of investing in the community and getting everyone to come out of their shells.
Episode 151S
8:43 – Jah’s father got sent a Thighmaster from Suzanne Sommers in the peak of Thighmasters, autographed from Suzanne: JOHN: JUST PUT IT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS AND SQUEEZE. LOVE, SUZANNE SOMMERS. Seth: “Uh, hello eBay.” Jah: “How’s that for a Live Autograph?” (Episode 149, 1:06)
4:35 - Jonathan says his friend Dimitri knows Vince from the Shamwow! infomercials and was telling Jah about this while they saw the Shamwow! infomercial on TV “at the place where we were.” Seth suspects that this “place” was Plan B.
5:00 – A Hispanic woman was talking to Seth about a movie and was like “Oh you know who’s in that, the guy from West Wing. Seth: “Who, Martin Sheen.” Woman: “Yeah, he comes out in that. And J-Lo comes out in that.” Jah is trying to figure out the accent Seth is attempting here, and Seth explains it’s his Hispanic woman from LA voice. Seth told the lady he came here to be an actor and it didn’t really work out, and she responded with “What did you come out in.” Seth didn’t get it, but the way he responds to ‘Where do you stay at?’ and ‘What did you come out in?’ is “I stay in Hobart and I come out in Crossroads. Jah wishes he could just flip a switch and start using those expressions.
11:44 – Seth watched a couple episodes of House while he was lying on his mother’s couch at home in Boston over Christmas, up all night watching episodes. In one episode, he solved the craziest medical riddle ever, and Seth was like “wow that’s amazing.” On another episode, House trips on acid, and then does another even crazier riddle, and in the end he’s right again. Seth thought to himself, “Does this happen every episode?” If Seth worked with House, he’d be like, “Just ask House, he’ll figure it out,” and then go to the movies.
14:03 – Seth watched a lot of TV with his mom while he was home. They watched Failure To Launch in its entirety on the USA Network from 8 to 10 with commercials, drinking tea and eating ginger cookies. Jah watched an episode of Ugly Betty today, which he had never seen, and can’t make out what was going on in the show. The show sort of reminded him of Sesame Street somehow. Jah felt like it was preposterous because it was full-grown adults acting it out. Then, for three scenes it looked identical to Arrested Development
34:38 – All Seth gets at Whole Foods is peanuts (Code #6363) because they’re wicked cheap, but then he looks up at the other nuts and sees Organic Almonds - $18.99/lb. Jonathan bought dinner at Whole Foods a couple nights ago. He got a pizza, three side salads from the deli and a bottle of wine. His final price tag - $86. Seth went there to buy brown rice, which he figured would be 30 cents, but it cost him $5.80. He had three $20s and a $5 and he handed the guy a $5, then the guy said “$5.80,” and Seth threw the $20 at him like “you motherfucker…” Jah says its worth it though because you get to see celebrities.
43:00 – Seth pulls out his CB jacket (a ski jacket that was so dope and fresh) that he got in eighth grade, which his mother found at his home in Haverhill, Massachusetts. He also pulls out the product information form that he filled out when he was 12 years old: How did you hear about our product? Because it’s the best, and everybody wears CB. Criticism: I think CB’s the best. It’s warm. It looks great. Even though he bought this jacket in 1986, he observes that the retail price is $125. Seth can’t believe that, and thinks that would be worth about $700 in today’s money. Seth remembers when he got off the bus the first day he wore it, and just posted up with his Nike Air Maxes. When Seth was home, they were showing him pictures of his cousin’s baby, who looks just like his cousin did when he was young. The last picture in the book was Seth and his cousin at their grandmother’s house, wearing Z Cavaricci jeans, posing in front of the Christmas tree. Seth asked his cousin’s wife “Can you handle this?” Jah wonders if Seth ever stashed anything of worth away, because he has a couple things that he stashed away a long time ago. Seth wishes he would’ve hung onto his Varnae strap, his Spuds McKenzie cozy, his cast from when he broke his wrist at age 3, etc.
59:00 – Jah was thinking this week about their conversation from last week, regarding what it is that women want. Jah and Seth had an even longer discussion that got even crazier and left them triple baffled as far as what is going on with the sexual politics of men. Jah was having a conversation with two women today, and wonders, Is it women’s uncontrollable, intrinsic, built-in need to attempt to completely crush and extinguish the spirit of a man? He thinks that maybe they cannot simultaneously have strong feelings for men without wanting to smother their soul.
11:23 – Around age 10 or 11 was the first time Jonathan saw moving picture porn. He clearly remembers it. (Seth finds this hard to believe because his brother turns 10 this summer and he doesn’t want him to experience it yet.) Jah saw Deep Throat on VHS, which was lent to him by a schoolmate named Tyrone who Jah also performed Guns ‘N Roses’ “Patience” during the eighth grade talent show (Episode 078, 8:14). Tyrone gave Jah the video at school and told him to watch it. Jah got home and his parents were in the kitchen cooking dinner. He snuck into the living room and popped it in the VCR, and it came up on Jah’s dad’s gigantic TV screen in the middle of a scene of a girl taking a gigantic cock. He says the feeling in his stomach was on par with his first time down a roller coaster. He panicked, shut it off, took it out and acted like he was tired and going to bed, and then just waited them out until they went to bed and snuck back down and watched it. Jah gave it back to Tyrone the next day because he didn’t want to have it in his possession too long. Jah then says he lost his virginity a year later at age 12 to a 15-year-old
17:37 – Seth said to Jonathan, “That Facebook is pretty crazy,” and Jah’s response was “I’m not going to deny the power of the ‘Book.”
30:48 – Seth references the story from Episode 144 when he references the Thursday that they recorded Episode 089 and there was gas pouring into his apartment. Then Jah starts piecing things together and wonders if the carbon monoxide poisoning was the reason why they had their fight in Episode 089.
36:36 – Seth went and read an article about another hacked zombie sign (Episode 152, 28:54), which has become a viral obsession. He scrolls down and reads the comments, and sees one guy write: Not that clever. But think about it. You laugh now. What if you turned your corner in the car and there really were zombies there.
39:18 – Seth wonders how come nowhere in his world has the ability to take and break a $100 bill from him. He can’t get rid of them. Jah wonders how many times Whole Foods swaps cash trays each day because every time he goes up to check out they’re swapping out trays. Seth: “You have to buy a Ferrari to use a $100 bill. Anywhere else you’re fucked.”
48:34 – Jah gets a lot of questions about what Seth uses in his hair. Seth doesn’t want anyone to know so he hopes Jah hasn’t told. Jah says he’s surrounded by men who get compliments on their hair all the time (ex: Dimitri).
10:31 – Jah can attest to the seriousness of a Mountain Dew addiction, because there was a period of time where he was drinking at least 2-3 of the largemouth 32-ounce Mt. Dews. It started giving him intense stomach problems and blistering panic at night. At 2:00 in the afternoon he would get crazy hankerings for it.
34:39 – When Seth was in college, he remembers arguing with friends for hours at night, and all they could do was call a bunch of people and try to combine the average of all the answers and still could never figure out what the answer was
37:40 – Jonathan was with Dimitri and saw MC Hammer on Saturday night, as close as he and Seth are right now, at an art gallery opening downtown that was thrown by Will.i.am and his company. Will.i.am DJ’d. Kelis was there. Jah didn’t touch Hammer. Hammer had a crazy white bodyguard with him. Jah turned to D and said he would feel like an asshole if he didn’t take it to Hammer and shake his hand. As he went to do it, the huge bodyguard gave him a look and basically told him not to do it.
38:27 – Jah wonders if he talked about seshing out with Al B. Sure! a couple weeks ago and talking about his kid on VH1 and laughing about what a hack the kid is
39:23 – Seth saw MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice perform together in 1990 at the Worcester Centrum Centre (now the DCU Center). Jah was supposed to go to that concert in L.A. after the East Coast tour. His dad helped him get tickets. He was in acting camp and there was a girl that taught there that was 2 years older than him who was smoking hot. Jah was like, “Let’s do this. We’re gonna fuck.” Three nights before the concert, there’s the same concert in another city, and there was a stabbing or a shooting in the audience. His old man bugs out and said he couldn’t go, so Jah threw a screaming bitch fit. He was so vehement about it that his old man was researching getting a bodyguard to go with Jonathan to accompany them to the concert. Ultimately Jah backed out on the idea because even at 13 he knew it sounded a little crazy. He remembers having to come up with some reason to tell the girl why he couldn’t go (Episode 024, 32:00).
50:36 – The same night he saw Hammer, Jah thought about Seth because he was at another party later on in the evening and started having a conversation with Devendra Banhart about the fact that he and Andy Cabic from Vetiver are all obsessed with The Pickup Artist and they’ve all started using it in their lives and given themselves nicknames. Devendra was given the name “Plasma” by Andy. Seth and Jah wonder what their dope “pickup artist” names should be. Jah gives Seth the name “Sexth.”
54:47 – At that same party, sitting outside smoking a bowl with a bunch of different people, there was one dude with a Blackberry who was like “Oh! I just got an awesome e-mail. David Icke is speaking…” As he says the name Jah looks over at Dimitri and Dimitri goes into craziness about draco-reptilians, which goes into DMT, etc., and a young small unassuming girl next to Jah starts talking about drinking liquid DMT like 3 months ago. All of the 5 people next to Jah talk about how DMT changed their lives
57:14 – Jah was a Camel man as a teenager, which was because his father would get free cigarettes from Camel. There were cartons and cartons of Camel Wides that got sent to him, and Jah would go to the set and in the desk on the set in the office were cartons, and he would come by and say hi and grab a carton and throw them in the back of his car and take off
59:25 – Jah can’t remember the name of the girl who he had a crush on in his acting class, maybe Michelle or something. He thinks she dated Brian Austin Green a couple years after that because he remembers seeing them out
1:01:58 – Jonathan was so kind that he purchased Seth a microphone for Christmas two years ago (Episode 045, 47:55), an Audix OM2 that comes in its own box and case. Seth thinks he’s going to start carrying it around with him just as an actor carries around his sides or a musician carry around his gear. The microphone has since had technical difficulties and they don’t use it anymore for recording the show.
1:03:15 – Seth recalls he was in Ogunquit, Maine, the day he heard the news that New Coke was coming out and the world stopped turning. Jah doesn’t remember where he was, but he remembers being hellbent on getting his hands on one. Seth and his cousin Eric were devastated because Seth is a Coke man.
6:57 – Jonathan once went to a Mardi Gras in New Orleans when his father was the honorary King of Bacchus in 1995. Jah just talked with his dad the other day in lieu of talking about bodyguards in last week’s show. John reminded Jonathan that Jah had a bodyguard at Mardi Gras. The Bacchus Parade is Sunday, and all these off-duty New Orleans police officers are escorting the Larroquettes, and they’re all super nice. They mostly rolled as a pack on an amazing journey through New Orleans with the best food ever. Jah says it was the most insane thing. The night John was on the float, they all split up and there was a big dinner at the banquet hall at the end of the parade where John would dismount and the family meets up. For John it was a dream come true being from New Orleans. Jah has a personal bodyguard who is super cool. At the dinner, Jah has an odd interaction with a very busty blonde Southern belle who is a bit older than Jah and a bit intoxicated. Jah had dreds at this point and starts flirting with the woman, and it seems pretty clear to him that he’s going to get it on with this girl. They’re having an awesome time together, and Jah has this bodyguard with him. It comes to the end of the night, and Jah is trying to figure out a way to get her back to his room, but he can’t figure out how to get rid of the bodyguard. He winds up bitching out and saying good night to her. At the same time this is going on, he had contracted a crazy disease he had for a year. It’s an infancy disease called HSP (stands for Henoch-Schonlein pupura, the 3 guys who discovered it). He broke his collarbone snowboarding and in the process was given painkillers. He got strep throat and didn’t know he had it for 2 weeks, and his body wasn’t taking care of itself. It started fighting his blood system and he had it for an entire year. When he would get hot and stressed out, his joints would retain fluid and his body would attack his blood vessels, and he would break out in red blotches on his elbows and knees and the joints would seize up. He says this also happened at a Phish show, which is a different story for a different day. As he was trying to deal with this girl, it started to happen. It fell apart for Jah and he remembers getting in his room and collapsing, and his legs stopped working for an hour. In a way he was glad it happened without her there because it would’ve been super awkward had she been there.
20:15 – Seth wonders if anyone in LA owns an umbrella. He thinks he’s the only one. Monday and Tuesday it was 30 degrees out with thunderstorms, and Seth is driving to work and sees people walking down the street completely soaking wet just walking. He doesn’t understand why people won’t spend $8 to get an umbrella. He saw several people with their hands over their heads in the pouring rain.
35:51 – Seth got a voicemail from a guy who’s working on the Thailand-Burma border at a refugee camp, and Seth has Tyra on pause on his TV while listening to the message. The show is about gay teens that hate being gay while Seth is drinking a Jamba Juice and he feels guilty about not doing anything.
40:33 – Seth is amazed by Facebook. He got on Jah’s back like a piggyback while Jah went on it, and Seth was blown away. “I might be getting one of them. I’m in it to win it.”
50:15 – Seth has Jonathan read the highlighted section of a document that he hands him. It reads: “You have been scheduled for a police officer interview at the above address on 3/25/02 at 10:30 a.m.” Jah wants to know what they wanted to interview him about, but Seth says he didn’t go. He took preliminary testing – a written exam, video watching, interpersonal discussions, moral and ethical issues, IQ tests, etc. Once he passed the initial battery of tests, he was called by a sergeant from this department and they wanted to bring him downtown to discuss his going to the police academy. He declined at that point. On Friday, March 1 he went downtown before the marathon where he got a bag at this little convention and walked around grabbing free items. A guy at a cop booth asked him if he had what it takes, called Seth over and took it to him with the LAPD pitch. They signed him up and got him in there – it was a month before he got sober, so things were a little hairball. On his way down there he bought a ticket at a street carnival and bought a ticket and was on a merry-go-round, bawling by himself crying with Filipino, Guatamalan and Mexican families. Jah thinks Seth would be a good cop, and Seth agrees. Seth thinks Jah would be a bad cop because he would be corrupt. He would also get too involved with women who were wronged and give them his card so they could contact him 24 hours a day. Seth just wants to be called “Officer Romatelli” at least one time.
55:14 – Seth is like Haley Joel Osment, and he wants Jah to now call him “Officer Osment.” Jah then confirms that Haley Joel came to a The Long Lost show the other night, confirming his belief that he saw him at a prior performance (Episode 146, 50:53). Jah says Haley Joel has put on a couple of pounds and filled out a little bit.
3:02 – Seth wonders what happened with Guns N Roses’ long-awaited album Chinese Democracy. Jah read a track-by-track review of the album written by someone who was a crazy GNR fan and it seemed wildly disappointing. Jah couldn’t care less about the album even though he’s down with Buckethead.
18:26 – Seth and Jah were talking about Jah doing a decent amount of social networking and how it’s unacceptable at this point in his life to not check his e-mail for three days. Seth explains that Jah has entered a “social contract” with his friends, associates, etc.
1:01:09 – Jah explains that he will have his phone with him in Europe. The last time he went he did maintain texting UYD nation, which was a giant financial mistake for him. He asks that everyone take it easy on sending texts to him for the next three weeks.
0:30 – Jah starts off talking about something he used to do as a kid, which he remembers after watching a Dr. Phil episode about kids who died from suffocating himself. Jah was in fifth grade and he and his buddies went to Viewpoint, and there were about 30 kids on the bus. They would get off at their spot and while waiting for their parents they would do this. The first time Jah remembers doing this was in P.E. clothes when they were changing back into their regular clothes. Jah wonders what a couple kids are doing, and they explain to him that he needs to bend over and breathe in and out real heavy, and after the 10th time you stand up and they put both hands over your chest. And when it happens you pass out. Jah remembers that every single kid that did it had a weird dream about fast food, and he didn’t know that that was all about. Jah was addicted to it and he started doing it to himself in his own bedroom.
4:30 – Jah remembers carving his girlfriend’s initials in his skin with a pencil and he got caught doing it in religion class in his Catholic school. He had seen Sid and Nancy (Episode 061), 50:19) and said he was going to imitate that.
9:24 – Jah was at the Volkswagen dealership today because his car took a shit on him. He got a PT Cruiser for a loaner from the rental place. The guy he spoke with at the VW dealership told him “Those things are really fast. My kids love the convertible one.” Jah explains that he didn’t get the Turbo version, and that the car is not awesome — in fact it’s the worst car ever. It was, however, tuned to Tom Leykis so he got to listen to 20 minutes of that devil while driving his PT. While Jah was at the dealership, he got to talking to one of the dealers about Gmail — he explains that you can get thousands of e-mails and never delete any of them because just like Google it has a search function where you can filter through it to find past e-mails. It’s also by invite only – you can’t just sign up for an account on your own. Gmail will also search through key words in your e-mails to find products and related pop-up ads that fit to your own specifications.
26:28 – Seth saw Eric Bana at the Arclight when The Hulk came out, and Bana stood in the lobby for 49 minutes waiting for someone to recognize him. Seth almost wanted to walk up to him and just give him some props
28:44 – Jah considers himself a Friend of the Cinema (FOTC), and for some reason this year he has let himself go. He has seen nothing of substance besides Match Point. He missed out on Good Night and Good Luck, Capote and Walk the Line; but he did see Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic, Saw 2 and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Jah was hesitant to see Walk the Line because he hated Ray.
47:12 – Jah met Elizabeth Berkeley the other day and says she was absolutely lovely. 55:40 – Jah wrote his friend Tim about a good deal that involved an Xbox 360, a 42-inch plasma and every game that’s made for the 360, and Tim e-mailed him back to say “I don’t play video games.” Jah said if he smokes weed and doesn’t play video games, he should call a scientist down to come do a study on him.
1:19:48 – Neither Seth nor Jonathan could see those “picture beyond the picture” posters hanging up at Spencer’s Gifts at the mall. In fact Jah has never seen one in his entire life.
0:28 – Jah has not had a mind-altering substance (alcohol, drugs, men) for 11 years on this day. He was 17 the last time he partook in something. It was finals week his senior year of high school and he smoked a bongload and had the worst panic attack of his entire life and wanted to blow his head off. It was similar to when he saw King Kong. He’s celebrating at midnight tonight by having one-half of a wine cooler.
4:55 – Jah’s friend just played a hip-hop/casino event with Young MC and said he was a complete asshole. MC acted like he was the biggest star ever. Jah’s friend was playing and the place was packed, and when they got off stage the place emptied and Young MC played to 10 people at the Chimichanga Casino.
19:42 – Seth reveals that Jah quit smoking, and they were at a bar the other night, where people were standing outside talking about a football game and smoking, and he slapped a girl’s face. Jah says he has been wanting to smoke so bad.
3:51 – Jah is reading a book right now and is pretty sure it’s changing his life. He remembers Seth going off on people for reading books and letting it change their lives (Episode 154, 48:37), so he feels guilty for doing the same.
5:02 – Jah went to his first Grateful Dead show in Tempe, Ariz. He was not abducted there.
6:34 – Jah wonders if he should fill people in on the things he’s seen during his European travels. He says it’ll come up organically over the next several weeks.
10:35 – Seth knew Jah was back in the country because he felt it. He was asleep on Monday, and he woke up, looked, and whispered, “J-Dawg’s back.” J-Dawg climbed into bed with Seth and whispered “Wake up, sweet prince.”
12:48 – The USPS got rid of about 900 mailboxes, and Seth knows this because he’s literally visited all the mailboxes in Los Angeles and drops something in the mail every day. Seth was driving around and couldn’t find his usual boxes and couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
13:39 – The sales tax in California is going up to 9.25% on April 1 in California. Seth had everything down to a science, to where if he ordered a sandwich he knows how much it costs with tax. Now he doesn’t, because everything’s going to be recalculated in his life. Jah went to buy a Wetzel Pretzel and a lemonade today at The Grove and paid $7. It also cost him $8 to valet park because he was running late to the Apple Store, where he dropped $200 for a hard drive, then tipped the valet an extra $3. Basically he spent $220 in 17 minutes.
1:00:59 – Jah tells about something a lot of people do in Europe: The people who would book a lot of the shows would meet them at the train station, take them to the venue, where lunch was waiting for them. They do the soundcheck, and the hosts make dinner for them. Jah thinks in the state we’re in, people in the U.S. should think about doing that some more.
1:03:09 – Seth saw this girl who got a manicure, and the tips of her fingernails were dollar bills. He thought that was fresh.
1:05:09 – There were a few minutes when Jah was in Europe that he had a severe feeling of technological disconnect, because he had the phone completely turned off and didn’t know what was happening back home. Last year when he went to June, it was an amazing trip, but this time around he never completely left L.A. and was wanting to get back and take care of some stuff.
8:30 – Jah got Kevin Spacey flying back from England. He wonders if he’s straight but Seth dismisses him as “bona fide queer.”
10:38 – Jah witnessed a 20-year-old Australian girl in Dimitri’s house the other night looking at a NWA record and asking who they were. She also didn’t know that Notorious BIG was dead
15:50 – Jah caused an accident in Amsterdam because he tried to give a cabbie a bill that was too big
16:40 – Seth references Jah getting pointed at and laughed at by Michael Keaton and his buddies (Episode 139, 2:58). Jah thinks Keaton is just bitter because he’s from Pittsburgh and his hair sucks.
21:44 – Jah got a hand job in an algebra class once
33:24 – Seth saw Monica Lewinsky in Whole Foods. He couldn’t find her at first but then found her wearing all black looking at the fat-free salad dressing. He was sending his operatives to do some recon, and they all loved it. Seth asked all of his operatives who the best celeb they ever saw was. None of them leveled him, but some got Nicholson, Jimmy Page, etc. Jah thinks he’s been in Monica’s presence as well before.
38:52 – Jah saw Reese Witherspoon today. He sees her a lot because he and Jake Gyllenhaal work out together.
57:15 – Seth has a Rasta couch with Jah is jealous of. Seth thought it was the worst so he had a couch cover on it. He pulled the cover off and it has an awesome Rasta Guatemalan print on it that Jah loves.
21:41 – Seth reveals that he went somewhere this week and he would like to share where it was. It was an auction held by Julian’s Auctions called “The Collection of the King of Pop: Property from the Life and Career of Michael Jackson.” On Tuesday morning the auction went on view to the public. Seth was there at 9:59 a.m. and was literally the only person there and gave them a $20 spot to get in. He walked through the gates of Neverland. He could see all the albums sold memorabilia on the wall and went from room to room freaking out. They laid out Jackson’s home furnishings, including faux old school paintings that were really him when Seth got up close. There were thrones, a huge screen playing concerts, etc. Seth was basically taking his pants off in the arcade because he felt like he was being molested. In the Peter Pan Neverland room, there’s an animatronic baby that comes alive and reaches its arm out to Seth. There are go-carts, ATCs, a Simpsons electric bike, carousels, wagons, a Neverland Fire Department fire truck. Seth: “You walk into this arcade. You literally say, ‘Oh, he fucks kids!’” Seth finally understands the connection with the Neverland motif – since Peter Pan is a man who never wants to grow up, just like Jacko.
38:04 – Seth and Jah watched 20 minutes of the Sex & The City movie, and they describe it as crazy shit. Jah feels like it felt so dated even though it just came out last year.
39:47 – The day that 2 Fast 2 Furious came out, a private plane crashed into an apartment building in the Fairfax district of Los Angeles. A friend of Jonathan’s, Jessica Kaplan, was on the plane and passed away. Jah didn’t find out until the next day.
40:42 – Seth was in a Whole Foods this week. He read their little community board where people post their comments and questions. An example: Hey Whole Foods – the 3rd Street Whole Foods sells a pint of Soy Delicious for $3.49. Here it’s $3.59. Why the difference? … Why does the seafood department smell so bad?
45:02 – Seth went to his orientation at Emerson College and got hooked up with a gay dude named Nick Rodriguez because they did it alphabetically and they were right next to each other. They met at Boston Common on the first day and Nick was wearing an oversized Madonna t-shirt doing trust exercises with a homophobic Seth. Seth saw him 10 years later in L.A. and Nick rolled up on him and was like “Hey!! You look greeeaaat! You haven’t changed a biiiit!!”
47:42 – Jah retells the story about his friend Wag getting his computer back from repair and it smelling like a dude’s body odor (Episode 112, 55:31), he scrubbed it and couldn’t get the smell to go away because it was coming from inside the computer.
51:50 – A numerologist fucked Seth’s life up at Jonathan’s father’s house. John had an old homey come over while they had a party. The numerologist sat Seth down and laid it down for him. Seth sees some good things for the future of UYD.
57:02 – Jah doesn’t ever get allergies but he has them now, as well as a lot of other people.
1:00:49 – Seth was at VP Discounts (a health food store co-op) today. He pulled up on a guy who didn’t have a shirt on and was hand washing his white Ford Escort. He had a bucket as if it was his own driveway. Seth pulled up a couple spots next to him, and the dude stared at Seth so he would have to acknowledge him, and the dude was listening to Coldplay and wearing a Crank Yankers baseball hat.
1:04:08 – Somebody told Jah the other day that they still get Friendster updates and Jah had to stop for a minute and process it. Seth wonders if people still use Myspace and Jah says it’s primarily for bands. Jah compares it to arriving at a party and seeing that it’s kind of the dregs.
1:29 – Jah committed “Coachellacide” this weekend. Jah wasn’t impressed by any of the bands he saw in the desert except The Cure. Seth has seen Jah twice since he returned from Coachella and he’s been wearing the new Polo summer line of clothing. Tuesday night he was wearing boat shoes, no socks and shorts and a horizontally striped sweater.
2:58 – Seth was driving behind a Caravan with a bumper sticker that read WOMEN ARE NATURAL BORN LEADERS. YOU’RE FOLLOWING ONE RIGHT NOW.
8:03 – Seth asks Jah if he has driven down Melrose Ave. at all, because lately he has noticed that every other store on the street is for lease. Jah isn’t surprised because it was always shitty boutiques and nothing was keeping them in business in the first place.
18:12 – Henry Rollins drives a Prius. Jah saw him pulling out of Coachella in that bad boy. Wait, no — Jah just realizes it was a sage green Subaru wagon.
29:10 – Seth was watching the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie on Sunday night, which he can’t remember the name of. But he was watching it for the commercials, and couldn’t believe he was watching 9-minute commercials made by Hallmark that are essentially mini-movies.
38:37 – Jah and Seth recall the time they went to Woodley Park on Earth Day and saw Jerry Cantrell and Josie Moran at a Vegan Festival in Rancho Cucamonga (Episode 010, 37:32).
44:07 – Seth wanted to show Jah where he’s living, so he sat him down in front of his TV at 9:00 tonight, and made him watch 5 minutes of all 5 shows appearing on the major networks. They watched 4 1/2 minutes of Hell’s Kitchen on FOX; then 3 minutes of Supernatural on the CW featuring 22-year-olds with bushy eyebrows; then some Grey’s Anatomy on ABC featuring lesbians, a real-life gay dude and bouncy 80s music; then CSI on CBS featuring Laurence Fishburne and no lighting on the show with dozens of future hackers.
0:52 – Jah begins to tell the story about the first time he ever dipped at survival camp when he was a teenager (Episode 081, 21:58).
6:57 – Life changed a little bit for Jah in the last year or so, so in his current situation he no longer has cable TV or high-speed internet access. One benefit of this, however, is he’s seeing posters all over the street now that he has no idea what they are, and it’s been very liberating for him.
7:59 – Seth got a voicemail message from a listener who said he DVR’d Southland but he wasn’t down with it, saying Seth’s TV Picks are falling off.
37:27 – Seth was in Astro Burger on Gower and Melrose, and sees deaf actress Marlee Matlin on CNN during a book signing. She is accompanied by a dude who has to sign for her. He’s talking and the closed-captioning is on, which is 5 minutes behind what he’s saying and it’s showing symbols and things that aren’t even letters.
40:08 – Jah saw some crazy pilot girls going into the Oakwoods the other day and almost got in a really bad collision with them. They had Nevada plates and had the look in their eyes of being a movie star.
44:00 – Jah had bed bugs this year. He said it sucked. He got rid of them pretty quickly, but he described it as being like “body crabs.” He was couch-surfing for a year so he assumes he got them from somebody’s nasty couch (probably Amir’s).
46:15 – Jah did a terrible thing on a school bus once where he got caught being a cock to a car, and then the person told the bus driver and Jah got in trouble. He only took the bus for a period of time, and just remembers making himself breathe really heavily and pass out (Episode 157, 0:30).
10:50 – Jonathan went to a musical at the Key Club, which featured the daughter from Family Ties, Tina Yothers, playing Linda Lovelace in a musical called Deep Throat that they were trying to produce. It was a preview that they were trying to pull funding for, and it was a packed house. Jah recalls it was a crazy kind of rock opera.
12:07 – When Seth was at Emerson, there were some musical theatre people there, and he recalled they take their shit mucho serious.
17:31 – Seth recalls Mickey Rooney’s huge balls (Episode 102, 47:48).
17:49 – Seth was lucky enough to see a feature film starring Corey Haim and Patricia Arquette. It’s from 1991, and it’s called Prayer of the Roller Boys.
24:07 – Jah had a conversation the other day where he talked about the voices of their subconscious, and that often there are different voices people hear and address certain problems with. He believes the voices have the power to completely overtake our dominant voice and completely transform you into your “other.”
33:23 – Jah brings up his grift from the battered woman selling magazine subscriptions (Episode 095, 58:24).
34:35 – Seth saw Kari Wuhrer (Episode 103, 37:16) at 10:30 this morning coming out of a new boutique that just opened in Larchmont with three bags. He wonders how this happened because she hasn’t been in anything for years, yet she still looks beautiful.
41:11 – Seth’s Sony Trinitron was one of the first TVs made with HD capabilites. Seth thinks it’s the biggest HD TV weight-wise, and Sony told Seth it was the first HD TV ever. Seth got it from Jonathan, who got it from Nina, a family friend who was the assistant for Tobey Maguire for a long time and probably bought it from Tobey. Seth bets that Leonardo DiCaprio probably has watched this TV before.
56:22 – When Seth goes to Starbucks to buy a Los Angeles Times and they ask him “New York or L.A.?,” Seth gets angry that they ask him this. He says the NBC show Southland ran an ad that looks identical to a news article, and it’s talking about a ride-along and Seth gets sucked into it before he realizes it’s for the show and gets pissed off.
59:22 – For Seth’s birthday one year, Jah gave him some Viva paper towels – they were like 400 heavy-duty ShamWows on a roll.
1:00:11 – There was a point during last week’s live show where it was so hot and Seth was so overwhelmed, that he almost took the wireless microphone off and ran out. At one point his coffee table and the chair Jah sits in were in an alley in Hollywood – he was overwhelmed by it. Seth turned to Jah at one point before they went on stage and said “What the fuck are we doing?”
4:12 – Jah saw Star Trek, which is this year’s Iron Man
16:47 – A female friend of Seth’s got a dirty phone call where the dude was saying he saw her and was playing with himself, and so she screamed and hung up. In telling the story later to another girl, the girl got as angry and viscerally offended as the original, while the guys turned into eighth-graders and laughed about it.
19:31 – Seth was walking down the street and a homeless guy walked by him and said, “Can I have a dollar, bitch?” Seth paused for a second and thought about giving him a dollar, but then he said “Fuck that, no!”
21:32 – Jah was driving through WeHo, and was thinking that if shit went down, some of those dudes are big and you would definitely want the G’s on your side.
22:28 – Seth was in a liquor store in West Hollywood next to his Whole Foods, and there was a dude in his 60s wearing a Vietnam hat with faded tattoos, and wearing a t-shirt that had a drawing of a cowboy pointing a gun at you, and the t-shirt read: IN WYOMING, WE HAVE A CURE FOR AIDS. WE SHOOT FUCKING FAGGOTS. People were wanting to take pictures of it because they couldn’t believe it. On the back of the shirt it said, THE EAGLE’S NEST, CHEYENNE, WYOMING. Seth expects a gay dude to come from 24-Hour Fitness and walk in there to buy a Vitamin Water and kill this dude.
24:50 – On Jah’s said trip to WeHo, Jah was behind a blue Rav-4 with all the rainbow stickers on it saying THE SILENCE WON’T SAVE YOU, and then the license plate holder said SO MANY BOYS, SO LITTLE TIME. Jah couldn’t believe it and wondered if the dude understood how much of a turn-off he was. The dude just flipped his whole concept from social activism to horned-up ball-licking.
26:39 – Seth brings up the story from Episode 114, 45:06, where he was at a party and a sign behind the bar read IF YOU DON’T LOOK 21, PREPARE TO SHOW ID, except the last part was spray-painted out and it said FABULOUS!
32:36 – Jah and Seth were on the Hindustan Times website tonight asking some pretty serious questions about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Jah thought he heard that they broke up so they were checking on it. Nothing made Seth happier than the first photo of Brad and Jennifer Aniston at a Coldplay concert standing together in the balcony.
35:56 – Jah saw a preview for the Travolta/Denzel upcoming flick, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, and didn’t know what to think
13:21 – Seth used to wear a gas station jacket that said “Ernest” on it that he picked up second-hand. Jah wonders if the other Dickies-esque company was called Ben Davis (with a gorilla design on it) – because he remembers those and Carhartt. Jah was a Carhartt man in his day. Seth remembers him having a thick Carhartt onesie that looked as if he worked in the ice and sleet. Jah explains that it was going to be his snowboarding rigout.
35:16 – Seth hasn’t gotten into a pool since he ate a Pringle, which was in sixth grade.
36:20 – Jah peed at the pool in the Standard Hotel in Miami, but he felt justified because the whole place stunk of piss anyway. Seth is disgusted and Jah apologizes because he did feel bad about it, but Jah said it kind of had to go down strictly for vanity purposes.
45:07 – Seth has been in Hollywood for 14 years. When he first moved there the city was so dirty and crazy and awesome. He remembers driving at 5:00 on a weekday, running an errand and driving back west on Santa Monica Blvd., and seeing boy prostitutes out in droves for a five-block stretch. Jah recalls they would change their steezes from tranny fabulous platforms to dudes in cutoff 501s and Judas Priest t-shirts ready to do this. In present day, Seth was rolling up on La Brea where there is now a Best Buy and a Target. Later he was watching a rerun of COPS: Street Patrol from the late 90s, in which they were chasing a guy by the area in that same area, except back then there were a Bel-Air Car Wash and a Chevron station and dudes wearing Raiders hats. Seth misses those dirty times.
48:28 – Jah says he could survive by not buying anything and making everything with existing materials because he went to survival camp when he was a young man (Episode 033, 11:52).
57:28 – Jah saw a bumper sticker today on a Ford F-150 pickup truck driving in Brentwood on San Vicente Blvd., located behind the driver’s head. It was a normal rectangular-shaped sticker but slightly angled and maybe homemade – it said BUCK FARACK.
4:25 – Jah looks like an asshole in his driver’s license photo (Episode 145, 8:25); he’s leaning his head back and giving an ice-cold San Quentin stare.
24:30 – Seth got a voicemail in response to the t-shirt he saw a couple weeks back (Episode 166, 22:28), talking about another t-shirt: I HAVE A CURE FOR PMS: SHOOT THE BITCH.
35:37 – A few months ago, Seth looked up Jonathan Lee Riches’ penitentiary, got the address, got his inmate number and sent him a letter taunting him, calling him out for not suing Uhh Yeah Dude yet. He even gave him all the info he needed to listen to the show.
58:56 – Seth never did a Ouija board, but Jah got spooked to death when he did it as a kid. He got up and left the room immediately because he was so disturbed by it.
1:02:11 – Jah’s life has been inundated by TOMS shoes, whose headquarters are in Santa Monica. Jah had just been talking to his friend Tim and a girl Meg Fowler about advertising on the show, and minutes later he rounds the corner and sees two TOMS vans there. He sees two young hipster-looking people (one guy, one girl) in one of the vans, and Jah pulls up and rolls down his window. He asks jokingly, if when he buys a pair of TOMS at Whole Foods and they’re the wrong size, do the kids in Africa get the wrong size as well? Jah gets no response from the dude, but the girl cracks up. (In the middle of the story Jah forgets why he was going to tell this story.) In the end he got $5 coupons off TOMS and talked to them about advertising with the show. Seth says he’ll be using the same joke when he goes to Whole Foods tomorrow.
8:09 – In Jah’s boarding school, they had a kid named Greg who was deaf in one ear and they all called him “Gweg.” They thought he got kicked out of the school but he only got suspended. Jah and all his buddies broke into his room and took all of his stuff, and the guy came back. Jah recalls holding his Walkman and almost starting to cry in his bedroom when they were raiding it.
18:18 – Amir claims that he believes Jonathan takes a bath every time before he masturbates. Seth thinks Jah lights votives and takes a bath after his jerk session.
57:02 – Seth finds it disgusting to drink the leftover milk from his cereal, but Jah loves doing it. Seth can’t stand the sugary lukewarm texture of it. Jah considered it a rebellious thing to do because his mom wouldn’t let him buy super sugary cereals. He had to drink a lot of Hansen’s Cola in his life.
50:31 – Jah has been in a Best Buy store before. He bought a Frank Zappa DVD, a weird thing that had been released on VHS and a company decided to reprint it on DVD.
52:14 – Seth went to the beach when he first got to Hollywood because he thought it would be a good thing. Fourteen years later he has not been back to the beach once.
55:36 – The arsons that Rebecca Rubin was involved with were the same arsons that Jah’s good friend from VVS, Josephine Overaker, was involved with. She has not been arrested and is on the lam. The group that did the arsons, Earth Liberation Front (ELF), spawned from a man from Prescott, Ariz., William C. Rodgers, who hanged himself in his jail cell in 2005. A bunch of ELF are in prison now.
1:00:28 – Jah owes T-Mobile $1,000. As of right now he can receive texts and phone calls but can not send anything out.
2:05 – A guy showed Seth his Arizona driver’s license photo in which he had his picture taken in 1990 and has not renewed it since. Seth flipped out.
23:12 – Jonathan’s younger brother, Ben, used to have a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe when he was a kid. Jah tried to squeeze into it at age 13 when he was stoned because he thought it would be funny.
30:06 – Seth’s gumball machine in his living room is the centerpiece of his home, an apartment he has lived in for 8 years. It was given to him from Jonathan. Seth went to a party supply store on La Cienega Blvd., bought a bag of gumballs and stole the top of their gumball machine to replace his missing one. He filled it up with gumballs 8 years ago, and they are as soft as the day he bought them.
43:07 – One of the last meat products Seth ate was In-N-Out before he became vegetarian. Jonathan reveals that he broke his vegetarianism and has been eating all kinds of fish lately. He had sushi the other day. He doesn’t know if it’s going to stick. Seth calls him a crazy fuck and says that he was going to nominate Jah as PETA’s Sexiest Vegetarians 2010, but he can’t do it anymore. Jah has a tough time explaining why he broke his 10-year streak, but the nourishment he got from the fish he knew he couldn’t get from anywhere else and felt so good afterward
50:01 – Seth is still tripping on the tuna. He can’t believe Jah’s historic revelation during the episode. Jah is on the fence about it and doesn’t know which way he will go now.
1:45 – Jah knows Delta Airlines still exists because he went and talked to them when he was stranded in Florida. There’s something about their blue and tweed vibe that is somehow comforting to him. His family flew Delta when he was younger and so it seems like a safe airline that won’t kill you.
5:30 – UYD thanks New Sensations (Episode 171, 38:59). They were contacted by their friend who heard the show, who thanked them for their kind words about the trailer. She sent UYD copies of said movie, which they watched. Seth claims that Jerry and Elaine bone down constantly, and that there’s a “Porn Nazi.” Seth spent the whole week saying “What’s the deal with vaginas?” in a Seinfeld voice.
36:52 – Seth comes across a picture on the internet of a 12-year-old young man holding up the deck of a skateboard he’s bought. The visual is two stick figures of women, then a + sign, then a cup. (Episode 167, 16:56). In the picture, it says he bought it at the Vans store in Orange. Seth took it upon himself to verify the legitimacy of the photo. He calls the store and says his name is David Updyke, calling for the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (a real Boston-based organization). He got a manager and expressed his concerns about the photo, asking if the skateboard was actually being sold. He connected Seth (Mr. Updyke) to the legal department of Vans; the woman asked him to e-mail the picture, and Seth said he was “too upset.” He asked her if she had a search engine and directed her where to find it. She said she was familiar with the “2 Girls 1 Cup” video and sounded a little nervous to be dealing with an advocacy group. Seth changed his outgoing message to that of the advocacy group in case he was out getting a wheatgrass shot, then he tried to actually call the CCFC and let them run with it, but they were out of the office already on Friday. Jah did some follow-up research on it – it’s a girls’ deck made by Mike Carroll.
28:44 – Seth was on the phone with Time Warner for 49 minutes because they couldn’t make his internet work, and they were telling him they couldn’t give out passwords. Seth swore one time and they ended the conversation with him.
30:41 – Seth was thrown out of his Starbucks because he almost throttled somebody. The manager of the Starbucks asked him to leave after he asked an Asian guy “Do you want me to punch you in the face?” The dude was standing 12 feet away from where they order coffee, hiding behind a kiosk and looking at $600 espresso machines. When Seth got in line the guy asked him, “What, you didn’t see me standing there?” and made a big deal out of it. Seth got pissed at the guy and got thrown out. He walked down the street furious, and wanted the guy to come out of the store and tell him if he ever sees him again he’ll kill him. Seth walks down to Peet’s Coffee, which is a crazy vortex. He doesn’t know where to order or anything, he’s just holding two $1 bills. The perky cashier goes “How can I help you sir?” Seth asks for a small black coffee, and the guy goes, “Oooh, looks like you’ll be paying with $2 cash today!” Seth nearly punches this dude in the face. Jonathan notices a lot of cashiers go, “Let me go ahead and…” to walk you through the process.
58:18 – Jonathan crashed his bike today and he’s hurting really bad.
1:11 – Seth received a legitimate report from a friend, who was at the Arclight movie theater on Monday. Bill and Ted were there together having lunch, both eating salads.
5:12 – Jah admits he spends a shitload of time deciding what to wear. Seth wants to know how much time he spent tonight, because J-dawg is wearing purple locals flip-flops from Hawaii, a white two-button t-shirt with a pouch for the hands, and what Seth thought were casual gray sweatpants – but they’re actually very tapered at the ankle with a harem-like drop crotch about 2 ½ feet below his ballsack. Seth says the first thing that comes to mind is that they are MC Hammer pants (Episode 117, 46:12). Jah says he has two pairs of them. He wore a pair of blue ones with a dope muscle tank top with a T back made by Locos Only, which says FITNESS CLUB OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA in 80s font to a barbecue on the Fourth of July, and at one point Amir called him over and said, “Jonathan, come on. It’s Fourth of July. Go back to the car and put on your crazy outfit.”
7:43 – Jah wants to go on record and say that Toms are the new Crocs, because they’re awesome and he wore them. He also wore Crocs for a short period of time (Episode 011, 2:52), which he admits was an absolute criminal act and he should have been punished for it more than he was.
9:54 – Jah’s friend Will, who listens to the show, called Jah the other day and told him they bought tickets for Conan a year ago and the taping was that night. Will called Jah after he got out of the taping to make sure Jah got the message. Jah wanted to know how it was, and Will said Conan was even more awesome in person than you think he would be by watching the show. After Jah got off the phone, he realized there are people who are still super down with Conan, and at this point he no longer feels like Conan’s character or personality is authentic anymore.
17:24 – Jah finds himself eating and drinking things in his life that become staples and he wonders how it ever got that way. It’s almost subconscious because he gets so used to it. It takes a lot to break that cycle, like his coffee. Sometimes he’s so glad by the time he gets done with his coffee, and food period. Seth claims he eats to live, not live to eat.
25:12 – Jah received a text saying 2 HYPE 2 SKYPE.
31:28 – Jah talks about Myspace being played out and how he only goes on there to look at bands. Jah showed Seth the power of the ‘Book, and Seth acknowledges that it’s explosive. Jah has heard of people meeting on Facebook having never met in real life, and through messages they send to each other, choosing to meet and have sex.
45:04 – Jah is scared because he’s pretty sure at this point that his best days are behind him. As far as his capacity to absorb and enjoy external things in the world, there’s no way anything’s going to happen from this point on that’s going to be as dope for him as the things he’s already seen, had or gotten. His best days were driving down the PCH, screaming out to Jah (Episode 110, 39:50). J-dawg will be 32 years old on August 7.
4:05 – Seth went to Tijuana one day and it was the only time he’s ever left the country. There’s a lot of things he can’t discuss about the trip, but he does recall that it was hot, he was walking down a cobblestone street and a one-armed man whispered the word “cervezas” and called him into a building. That’s the last thing he remembers.
6:57 – Jah used to go to the NAMM (National Association of Music Merchants) show every year to check out all the new gear from all the top companies back when he was a total nerd. In the lower levels you’d see all the boutique guys who were just starting out with new companies and he would find rad FX pedals, etc., but upstairs with all the big companies like Gibson you get all the huge-titted girls that come with it. They’re also available for photo ops. Jah says there’s something about watching men who are friends who go together to the show, find those girls and wait in line and put their bodies around them to have their pictures taken. He says there’s always a glimmer of hope from these guys that they’ll fall in love and run off together.
16:16 – Seth was standing in Whole Foods minding his own business, waiting to purchase a Think Thin bar and cherry soy yogurt. He’s feeling some heat and casually looks over to see Michael C. Hall (Dexter) staring at him. Seth says this happened to him a couple weeks ago as well. As he puts it, to look up and see Dexter eyeballing you is “scary as fuck.” Seth played it cool and extended the stare a bit more but was shaking on the inside.
14:35 – Jah had a root canal and says he’s still dealing with it a bit physically. He’s had a septic tooth in his rear molar since before he left for Europe. By the time he got back the tooth had died and he didn’t have to worry about it anymore, but it started getting so bad that he had to get it taken care of. In that tooth the dentist did half of a root canal, drilling into three different pockets and pulling out a back nerve. He has to go back in for the rest of it on Monday. He had a lubret piercing when he was 18 years old with a fishtail back, where the metal was resting against his gum and he bore a hole through his gum. That requires them taking a piece from the roof of his mouth out and grafting it into that area. At the back of the other side of his mouth, there’s an 11mm-deep pocket where his wisdom tooth was taken out. It’s become a hole in his jaw that bacteria and food particles have gotten into and begun to rot his jawbone out. They cut through his gum into his jaw and used a cadaver bone to fuse onto his jawbone. He did all that and had a full cleaning so he’s good to go. Jah maintains this is the worst part of the body and it should be replaced with metal 150-year teeth when you hit puberty.
22:39 – Seth got a voicemail from a dude who saw an SUV all tricked out, and engraved on the side of the SUV was this: GREAT LEGS. WHAT TIME DO THEY OPEN?
24:51 – Jah busted a monster of a pickup line not that long ago. He was riding his bike and saw a crazy attractive girl ride by. He chased up to her and said “Your seat’s too low.” He told her she wasn’t getting a proper extension because her knees were being bent too long, and she sped off away from him.
49:55 – Jah doesn’t wear a helmet when he rides his bike, and when he crashed a couple weeks ago it made him realize how important it was to have one.
1:03:37 – Almost every other conversation that Jah and Amir have starts with each of them saying “Hey,” and then Amir says, “You didn’t check the message…” It frustrates him to no end that Jah won’t get the information off of the message that he needs.
1:07:13 – Jah reveals that, according to a listener whose co-worker does this, backing into parking spaces and waiting there is an indicator for other gay men to come blow you. (Episode 114, 25:38).
3:47 – Jonathan looked up Amir’s old place on Megan’s Law website and there was a crazy rapist right across the street from him (Episode 074, 8:15). Seth warned his mom to move because her neighborhood was surrounded by peeds.
9:52 – In response to making fun of The Tragically Hip last week, a beautiful young woman from Ontario called Seth and agreed with that part, but made fun of America for leaving their shoes on inside the house. Jah says to fuck all Canadians on that because their shit is just not on point musically.
22:51 – Jah saw a homeless dude in Santa Monica the other day who was fully homeless with a t-shirt, filthy hands and arms, backpack, beard, matted hair, underwear, and then on his body, hiked up to just below his cock and ass, were an 8-year-old girl’s pair of True Religion jean shorts. There was maybe an inch between the two pockets.
30:58 – Jah has a birthday coming up on Friday. He’s playing a show a couple nights before and he’s thinking about getting a tattoo inside of his lip. He’s committed to doing it and there’s other people who have committed to doing it as well if he does. He’d also like to get another one on the forearm that embodies something about the show, possibly AND THE WHITE MAN CALLED HER FLUTE PLAYING WIND. – UHH YEAH DUDE (Episode 016, 44:20; Episode 113, 42:32).
39:49 – Jah saw his first black girl wearing a SARS mask walking down the street. She was wearing a Lakers outfit and a Lakers-colored mask. It was the first non-Asian or non-hippie cyclist Jah had seen wearing one. Jah wonders if they’re trying to keep the germs in or out, and Seth confirms they’re keeping them out.
44:04 – When Seth’s mother was in town recently they went into a Home Depot on Sunday morning at 9 a.m. and Seth didn’t think anyone actually worked there. There was no one in the building to ask anything. They just did self-checkout and jetted.
45:06 – Seth went to the Arclight to see a midnight showing of Bruno, and there were 36 people trying to buy tickets before showtime with only one kiosk open. Seth yelled at Gabriel, the manager, for his incompetence. Seth is also frustrated because he always goes to Jamba Juice and asks for a single shot of wheatgrass and they constantly ask him if he wanted a single or a double.
59:35 – Jah thinks he was definitely butt naked until he was 5 years old. There are pictures of him sitting naked on his Dukes of Hazzard Big Wheel outside the front of his house in Los Feliz laying back in the sun. Oscar and Ralph from next door made him sit on a red anthill because he ran around naked all the time. (Episode 100 Part II, 11:10; Episode 134, 1:26). Even when the earthquake hit, all three of the Larroquette men were butt naked outside. (Episode 113, 3:09). Jah asks Seth if he sleeps in the nude and Seth says no way. Jah says it’s liberating to sleep nude because it changes your dreams; he sleeps nude maybe 3 or 4 nights a week.
7:33 – Back in the day, as a boy, Seth and Jonathan got chewed up by mosquitos. Seth would buy deet, crack the cans off with a hammer and submerge himself in a bathtub of it.
8:14 – When Jonathan would go to survival camp in Montana, he would get eaten alive by mosquitos and horseflies that were an inch and a half long and would be incredibly painful when they bit him.
22:28 – Seth thinks of him when he was at Woodstock 2, buying an Aquafina for $14.50.
26:07 – Everybody Seth’s been talking to, if he asks they how they are, all they’re talking about is how tired and exhausted they are.
27:32 – In the bicycle community, L.A. is not zoned properly to allow bicycle traffic, because you get ticketed for riding your bike on a sidewalk. In the past few weeks, Seth has seen cars and bikes coming to complete stops in traffic and the person in the car is telling the person on the bike saying “I’m going to fucking kill you!” Then the cyclist rolls off and the driver restarts his car and they go on their merry ways. Jonathan thinks the solution is for cyclists to have licenses.
41:00 – Jah asks Seth if he realizes that Canadians don’t wear their shoes in the house (Episode 177, 9:52). Jah has verified this with a couple people. He realizes that Canadians are right about this because they’re bringing the world into the house. Seth agrees, but he has to have his shoes on at all time. Jah recommends slippers, but Seth needs ankle support and says he needs House Jordans. A year ago Jah got Seth some SB sneakers that he loves to wear. It was around the time that they went to Hyde with Guy and Jah got left outside (Episode 128, 29:30). Jah’s dad showed up at the studio a year ago with an awesome vegan chocolate cake that sat in the middle of the table. They ate it and it was rad and they shot an episode that night before going out.
50:25 – Jah doesn’t understand why he still only pays $5 a pack for cigarettes and is still complaining about it. He thinks if you’re dumb enough to smoke them you should pay out the ass for them. In other parts of the world, as well as New York City, they cost $12 a pack.
51:31 – When Seth was a junior at Haverhill High School and their girls’ basketball team was playing for the state championship, Seth and his friends. were boarding several buses to go get rowdy at the Worcester Centrum. Seth went to the drug store at the corner and he bought a box of 50 cigars for $3, and then sold them on the bus ride there for $1 each. He made $47 and he was crying because he was so happy. During the bus ride, he started the chant, “Gimme a Y! Gimme an O! Gimme a U! Who’s the greatest?!” And the bus responded, “YOU!! … Ohh…..”
54:47 – Jonathan brings up the time he was on the Michael Jackson Victory Tour, when he pissed his pants (Episode 039, 51:05). During the middle of the show, Michael decided to go into his Michael Medley, which lasted about 27 minutes long. Jah had to piss at the start of it, but couldn’t leave because Jacko was being so awesome. At one point Jah was bowled over in piss pain, and Jacko was up on stage cowering saying “No! No!” as a mechanical spider was descending on him. The last trickle of piss had just stopped coming out of his body, and his friend’s dad took him on a 15-minute walk to the bathroom, where he fake-pissed in the horse-trough at the Forum. Recently Jonathan ran into this man’s daughter at her wedding, and she told him she had been listening to the show for 6 months, and the first episode she listened to was when Jah told the story about them going to the Victory Tour show together. Seth says it’s too bad that RunPee didn’t exist back then.
1:07:16 – Jah was thinking about something the other night. There’s so much talk from the crazies about aliens coming or having been here or being here right now. There’s only one thing that made sense to Jah the other night when he was sitting on his roof looking at the sky with a roach and half an appletini: If there were someone/something on the other planet looking at us from the other side, the quickest way to bridge the gap between the planets would be to build it both ways to meet in the middle. The way to do this is to control things that are happening on the other side, so you plant artificially intelligent ideas into a human brain. From the tech we currently have tactile here, that doesn’t sound implausible within our current set of tools and ingredients. Assuming there is other life besides us, we need to send stuff out to make it come to us. Jah feels like aliens are here right now, and he didn’t used to think that. It freaks him out because he might be talking to one at a Starbucks. He says he sees a glow about live humans, and there’s other things that look just like them but they’re not the same thing. Seth responds to this diatribe by saying, “Happy birthday alien.”
5:24 – Seth’s mom got him some Soft Scrub detergent with bleach and it works. She did a little test run on the table in his apartment to show Seth the potency, and made a little design, and there’s still an “S” on the table.
6:52 – Seth never did summer school, but Jah did it every summer of high school including the year after his graduating year. Seth isn’t surprised by this, because on Tuesdays at 10:00 a.m. while people were in History class, Jah was getting Filet-o-Fishes, smoking weed and screaming about JAH! while driving down the PCH.
9:25 – Seth’s old man was in Boston last week at a hotel, and said there were skateboarder dudes all over the hotel. There was some big skateboarding event at the Boston Garden. He was down at the bar and walked up to a table of dudes and wondered if he could get passes to the show. He then asked them, “Are any of you guys the 2 Girls 1 Cup dude?” The whole table of skaters lost it and erupted in laughter.
19:03 – Seth met Taylor Negron, the actor who delivers a pizza in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, a couple weeks ago. He is Chuck Negron’s brother.
23:16 – Jah declares that Pee-Wee’s Playhouse was the dopest children’s TV show ever. He says that he drove by the dinosaur that was featured in a kissing scene in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure on the way back from The Integratron yesterday.
30:06 – Every P.E. teacher Jah had was either a crazy dyke or had a mustache and a cocaine problem. He had a couple macho P.E. dudes who drove Trans-Ams and wore dolphin shorts. Seth’s gym teacher was the oldest dude in the world, and the kids would play basketball and want to be Michael Jordan. He would give them lectures about how MJ was too flashy and would never make it, Larry Bird had the fundamentals and there was no defense against the skyhook.
31:32 – When Seth is in Larchmont and he sees kids on skateboards, he’ll give them a nod and they just think he’s a whack old dude. But he says he had a good run when Jonathan gave Seth some Nike SBs a year ago on his birthday. Right when he got them he had a couple months when they were legitimate and he was Danny Way. He would see kids and just stretch down in front of them and flash the SBs.
1:53 – Jah never had the true college dorm experience, although when he was at boarding school it was a similar experience of being in a crazy place with a bunch of people you don’t know. Jah says it was weirder doing it at that age instead of at college age, because by that time you are ready to be out of your parents’ house. Seth disagrees, because he was an only child and a latch-key kid. At Emerson, Keith Travis from Nashville, Tenn., was in the bunk above him and Casey McCarthy from Parkersburg, W.Va., was 6 feet away from him. It was very daunting and very real. Jah says homesickness is a very real thing. Seth’s mom told him that’s when everything in his life spun out of control.
7:34 – Jah has gotten tagged from his little brother, Ben, while changing his diapers at the changing table. He would pee, poop and puke on big brother Jah.
19:31 – Seth has only been to one hockey game in his life – when he was in high school his dad took him to a Boston Bruins game.
23:45 – Jah says he wears shit to go pick up Starbucks in the morning that he would probably have his throat cut in other parts of the country. But he blames them for it.
26:10 – Jah told Seth today on Venice Boulevard and Centinella, there’s a Chase Bank and a Mitsuwa Japanese market, which has 2 noodles shops and a crazy gift shop with Ichiro jerseys, etc., and a CVS. Posted up in the driveway for all three was an 8-foot long table with pamphlets all over it. A black woman in her 60s in Sunday church attire with hair done and a crippled old white dude and a 25-year-old Hispanic kid were all sitting there next to a gigantic picture of Barack Obama with a Hitler moustache. People had posted up but had kept their distance. Wind was blowing and pamphlets were flying on the street, and the lady was discussing something with somebody who was 15 feet away, trying to explain something to them and lure them closer.
34:07 – This week, these are three things Seth overheard people saying in Hollywood: 3) Someone calling the “Cash for Clunkers” program the “Cash for Crunkers,” 2) A woman calling the governor of California “Schwarz-negger,” and 1) A grown man saying to another grown man, “You know, he’s bigger, he had more body mass…” (Seth assumed they were talking about the MMA fight from the previous week.) Then the man finishes his statement: “…that’s why he won. He just believed it. Kung Fu Panda. Good movie.”
40:11 – When Seth is driving, he sees everyone talking on the phone while they’re driving. He doesn’t do it because he doesn’t have a cell phone. Jah left his Blackberry at Seth’s apartment last week, so Seth took it out in public and saw people he knew, who asked what the hell he was doing. He was faux-texting, drinking a Starbucks coffee and had the Blackberry, and a friend of his said he looked like “an L.A. action figure.” Then Amir called and Seth picked it up and answered it, and he said he looked good with it. People just thought it was his. Jah thinks Seth may get one for his upcoming birthday on Sept. 20.
56:10 – Jah went to see District 9 and saw a preview for Zombieland. Seth says he never liked Woody Harrelson, even when he was on Cheers.
3:26 – Jah’s friend Wag has the craziest Christmas music collection he’s ever seen, and has been collecting the library for years and years.
5:10 – Jah saw a non-vintage Jackée Harry on foot, in a place where there were no stores or anything. She was huffing it on Venice with one of her homies.
5:54 – Seth saw Robert Blake at the Sherman Oaks Whole Foods in the parking lot. He was tiny and alive, wearing a cowboy hat. Seth wondered what to say to him but chickened out.
10:32 – Jonathan saw The Rolling Stones at The Coliseuem with Living Colour and Guns N’ Roses. David Faustino was about 1 or 2 rows in front of him. Jonathan went with his dad and a friend of his. He was at this point a full-fledged GNR fan, was excited to see the Stones and was down with Living Colour. He’s guessing it was 1986 or 1987. Jah remembers it was the first time he ever smelled weed wafting in the air, and he asked his dad what that was. Shortly thereafter he had his first experience with marijuana, and remembered sitting on his parents’ bed when he was a kid and them passing a roach around and him smelling it.
18:13 – Jonathan says he’s familiar with Scientology gibberish speak because he went to a Scientology preschool. If kids fell down and scuffed their needs and started crying, the teacher would stand up on steps over them and say “Moti-vator, Moti-vator.” Jah recalls thinking, even at 5 years old, that this woman was a cunt.
29:09 – Jah was boiling in the supermarket as he stood in line reading the tabloid headlines about why Bradley Cooper chose Renee Zellweger.
48:54 – Seth recalls the first time he and 7 of his buddies gathered around Dave Thistlewood and listened to NWA on tape for the first time (Episode 017, 27:48, Episode 056, 14:15). He went out and bought an LA Kings Starter jacket the next day.
53:28 – Seth dips back into his sobriety. He was out at a bar this past weekend and got a handle of some people after a few spirits. They got to saying some crazy-ass stuff. He heard someone saying he wanted to “go get some strange.”
55:02 – Jah has been out a lot, which has been good for his opinion of this city and the potential that it has. But he has to dig, and in digging he finds himself in some grim places. For some reason, Jah attracts the drunkest, craziest dudes and girls, which is wonderful unless they’re so sloppy that they have to be taken care of. Everybody calls him Jesus and he says it’s the pits.
57:02 – Jah asks Seth if boning in cars is sexy. Seth says yes, but Jah says it’s a nightmare. He’s had some magical evenings, but BJs and fingering is way more applicable in that setting. He’s 6-foot-2 so it’s a disaster to try to bone in a car, unless it’s a hearse. Seth is simple, he likes to go to Inspiration Point and bone.
1:06:17 – Seth tells underage listeners to come to the live show anyway. It was like when he and his cousin Eric couldn’t get into the Def Leppard show in Old Orchard Beach, Maine, so they stood outside a chain link fence and listened to the whole thing. He still tied a bandana around his left leg and spit heat.
14:55 – Jah tries to analyze why he straight-faced lied to Jeff when he stole his sacred marijuana (Episode 124, 26:53).
42:20 – Jah can attest to being in a situtation where there is an active sexual relationship with a couple having awesome, amazing sex – there are certainly situations where an orgasm is not involved.
49:12 – Seth goes into Pavilions, gets Morning Star bacon and a 12-pack of Pepsi Max. He punches his phone number in to get his discout and knows it’s going to come to $9.99. He hands the woman a $10 bill, there’s a guy trying to put it into a bag and walk it out for him, the woman is trying to hand him a penny and hand him a 10-foot long receipt and ask him to donate to something. He just wants to leave and head home and finds himself slapping people’s hands.
50:34 – Jah thinks something has changed in employee handbooks in the last few years because no one speaks to each other in the real world anymore. As a result there is forced interaction from employees to customers doing the same thing over and over again, and the recipients aren’t receiving it, and it’s causing the process to be more natural and take longer and require more people to accomplish it if they didn’t just let these people get their shit and go. Your only job in Jamba Juice is to be able to pour juice and deal with people.
58:16 – Seth didn’t realize that native Hawaiians don’t like white people (“Haoles”). Jah confirms that this is true because of the Stacy and Susan incident (Episode 043, 3:10). Half of the dudes that were there already didn’t like him because he was a crazy white boy with dreds talking about Bob Marley. It was only because the dudes he was with were cool with him that he was even allowed to be in the house, and then after he bought weed from Stacy and Susan, all bets were off. … Jah had friends from there who would get beat up.
1:01:05 – Jah admits that he had amazing times in Hawaii as well. He lost his virginity there.
8:18 – Seth doesn’t want to get into it but he’s been having some issues with his post office (Nat King Cole Post Office on Western) and getting his GQ, Sports Illustrated and Playboy magazines. He asks the lady behind the counter, “Is it possible that there’s a man in this post office that took my Playboy, Sports Illustrated and GQ?” She said it was not possible.
14:57 – Seth talked to his buddy who goes to the 24-Hour Fitness in Boys Town and they had to shut down the sauna after 10 p.m. because it was a straight party.
28:22 – Seth was getting a wheatgrass shot and a girl cut her finger. Seth said “That’s cool,” and walked out of the store without getting a shot because it freaked him out.
37:34 – Seth has to admit that even though he loves TV he thinks to himself that he could cheat on his TV with internet. He gets so excited on that thing because there’s so much stuff on it.
40:22 – Jah saw a white guy walk in the other day with his Asian girl, and she was so meek and broken down and he was so gross and creepy but also smug and chesty, and Jah instantaneously thought “this was bad.”
1:04:33 – Seth wonders if the hot girls working outside of Whole Foods ever dupe Jah into coming over and signing their petitions, but he says their game is whack because they’re trying to come at him like dudes come at girls. He said one girl got so slutty with him while trying to get him to adopt a kid in South America that he thought she was a whore.
9:19 – Seth was older when he first saw people boning, but he guesses that the average day for this today is 4 years old.
19:26 – Seth had to go to Time Warner because his modem crapped out on him. He thought about going in notebook style and just writing down what he needs (Episode 113, 11:24 and Episode 015, 21:26), but he’s already been an asshole in this place before, so he mixes it up. On the fly he pulls this out: “Listen, I’m Christian…” and goes with it, and gives a lot of “Bless You”s and Drew Barrymore faux-Dali Lama bowing, and before he knows it, he has a new modem, new cord, new power strip, a special card for the guy who’s coming the next morning from 9-12 and makes the woman tear up. Originally he wanted to firebomb the place because he’s been dealing with incessant internet issues. He thinks he might go with this ploy again, and Jah wonders what Seth’s mom will think about it.
21:54 – Seth has lived in LA for 14 years, he’s had 3 different automobiles and lived in 3 different places, and none of the 6 have had air conditioning.
26:17 – Seth remembers Larry Gelbart, who created MASH. Seth met him because he cast the Corsairs pilot when Seth played Jonathan’s father as a young man. Seth wonders if he is the only person to have met both Larry and Gertrude Baines, who passed away on the same day.
27:02 – Jonathan gets a little deep in talking about meeting the oldest person in the world, Gertrude Baines, who recently passed away. At this stage in Jah’s life he hopes to have a long, crazy life. He woke up the morning after Gertrude’s death, and the first thing he saw was the 114th birthday cake picture that hangs on the corkboard in his room.
39:27 – Seth saw Fritz Coleman doing stand-up at Paramount when he worked there doing catering 10 years ago.
45:05 – Jah ate dinner at the Souplantation located at San Vicente and Montana last night, the second time he’s been there in his entire life. The first time was three weeks ago. He said it gets gangster in there around 7:00 at night. Dimitri has been fasting every day for Ramadan (no water, no food until sundown). Jah made him go there after not having eaten there all day, and Dimitri got so rocked out and sick. They went over to Amir’s house to rehearse, and Dimitri puked. Jah said it gets gangster in there; everyone is either 1,000 years old or has children, and kids give the finger to their parents.
46:44 – Seth saw Brad Garrett in a Souplantation at the Beverly Connection 10 years ago. Jah has seen weird faux celebs at weird faux dates there before as well.
59:59 – Jah has some crazy secret abilities. He can tell you the voice actor of any voiceover commercial. He and Seth were watching TV the other day and Jah goes “That’s the father of That 70s Show.” Seth couldn’t believe he identified Kirtwood Smith’s voice. Jah says he’s truly his father’s son in that respect because John Larroquette is the champ at that game.
2:20 – Jonathan has some items waiting for him from AdamandEve.com that were delivered to him by the postal people. He has some stuff to try out.
5:48 – Jah wonders if Seth threw Nair-bombs at people on Halloween, but Seth just went egging. Jah thinks egg, shaving cream and Nair should be an integral part of each Halloween holiday. Seth explains that if one has the internet, he can look up the history of Haverhill, MA, and learn about the famous egg wars that Seth Romatelli started. If you can’t find anything on microfiche, Seth will photocopy some articles and mail them to you.
12:38 – Seth went into Ralph’s today so he could by some Pepsi Max, and he’s looking up at the sign that says which aisle has what, and one aisle says “New Age Drinks.” It was just flavored water, that would’ve been considered “new” in a supermarket 15 years ago when Seth used to go to DeMoulas.
15:50 – Jah admits that he once spent an hour with a little Sony robot dog and tried to figure out if he wanted one in his house. He wonders what the first AI-ish thing that he and Seth bring into their lives will be. Seth thinks it will be a fuck doll that can be given emotion and touch.
21:31 – Jah talks about CVS’s $1 and $2 clearance boxes that feature a gang of Olsen twins VHS tapes, which he didn’t come close to touching when he went in there. Seth explains that people buy useless things, like the marshmallow shooter in the SkyMall catalog.
28:33 – Jah was in a drug store the other day and there was an old woman in there who is a serial shoplifter. The employees were telling Beatrice that she didn’t have to do this.
53:17 – Seth came out of Whole Foods this week and they were doing another petition. They asked him if he could do something for civil rights, and when he hears that phrase he thinks about Birmingham in the 50s. Later he came back to the other entrance and somebody asked him, “Do you want to sign something to overturn Prop 8 for gay marriage?”
9:09 – Jah has been spending quite a bit of time in his local post office because he has been sending out some promos for Jogger’s new record, which are going out to various press people, college radio stations, etc. Jah says there seems to be a zen master working in every single post office in America, but the problem is that you have to figure out who that person is, focus on them, and then as soon as they get involved everything is solved within 37 seconds. In Jah’s particular post office, it’s a big, chubby, super-fresh, super-patient Haitian woman with dredlocks who somehow laughs off everything. Jah says there was a man there who was covered in so much of his own urine, as well as foreigners with crazy documents with no pictures on them, screaming that they need their checks. He describes it as Waterworld combined with Jumanji.
13:42 – Seth’s mother went to the mall in New Hampshire so she could go to the Apple Store to get an iPod so she could listen to UYD on her iPod. Seth told her to avoid talking to old dudes and just find a young kid and talk about iTunes, lock it in and get it. The salesperson gives her the wrong one, she doesn’t find out until she gets home, and has to return it. In explaining the show to him, the salesperson goes to the website, presses on one of the videos and Seth’s mom hears from across the room, “I want to fuck my father,” and has to run back over the dude and try to explain it all to him while he’s staring in abject terror. Seth takes this opportunity to apologize to his mother.
26:48 – Somebody told Jah recently about a film that was created in the 1970s when auras were really big. The film could supposedly film your aura and energies around you, and they filmed a childbirth. As it came out and took its first breath, the color of the aura originated around the head. Seth’s response: “No it didn’t. But go on.”
36:00 – Something happened to Jonathan at a museum once, where there was an unframed exposed image set on the wall 6 inches away from where you view it. Jah leaned his head into it and passed the threshold of what was secure, and a laser shot with a super-high pitched frequency happened that freaked out his equilibrium. It was the most disorienting thing ever and he thought he might be having a stroke. The other time, he was reaching into a gated-off vending machine and by breaking that threshold the same kind of device went off. Seth claims that the new thing they’re developing is a heat that is so hot once you step into it that it burns you. A guy even with a mattress in front of him had to jump back because it was burning him.
44:00 – Jonathan had some Munchies the other day. It’s basically a chip party mix of Sun Chips, Doritos, Rold Gold, etc. They also make a flaming hot version. He only ate one bag of them, but the way he felt afterward made him feel like he had eaten an entire bag of each. They cloak all of them in a flavor spray they put over all the Munchies.
45:55 – Seth got a message at the house and he thought for a split second that he had his retrosexual (Episode 087, 38:55; Episode 184, 2:47). A former flame of his, Stacy Stewart, left him a message while walking on the treadmill, coincidentally not long after Seth heard about the Class of 1991 Facebook Pub Crawl this past weekend spearheaded by Mike Bevalaqua. Stacy says she ran into Seth’s father in Salisbury Beach. She said, “I think about you all the time. When I think about you I think about that date where you took me to Papa Geno’s. I also think about how we used to kiss behind the bookcase in Mr. Sullivan’s class. Drop me an e-mail. So amazing, I married a great guy, we had a few kids…” At this point Seth fully loses his boner and deletes the message. As Seth is relaying the story to his mother, his mother tells him that was his first girlfriend. Seth’s mom remembered the night that Seth took Stacy to Papa Geno’s, because Seth’s dad saw his bike parked by the restaurant. She said, As a matter of fact, Seth’s mom thinks she sent Seth’s dad back up to Papa Geno’s to take a picture because Stacy’s bike was parked next to Seth’s bike. Seth wants so badly to have that photograph when he makes his upcoming journey to Brooklyn.
54:05 – Seth was at the Getty Center yesterday in Brentwood. There were a bunch of school kids there on a field trip getting rowdy. He hears a gasp, and he turns around and sees a school teacher in her civilians take a full backwards fall into one of the water fountains. Seth could hardly explain the sheer joy and exuberance of all of the boys when they saw her land in the drink with a nice camera and pocketbook. They were holding each other and jumping up and down, and Seth wanted to get in with him. The girls were concerned, but not the boys. Seth looks at an entire exhibit up the stairs, comes back and they still have all of her stuff laid out to dry.
10:56 – Jah got a text from a listener who got swine flu, but there was no way of him verifying it.
29:36 – Jonathan speaks on the situation with people getting pissed about traffic tickets in the show Parking Wars: “When you are broke and that kind of stuff gets out from underneath you … the way this system works, I mean it is just… they take so fuckin’ much from you once you flip into that, like, ‘Oh I couldn’t afford to pay it.’ Or —I had something go into collections, I bounced a check to it. The check that I bounced, the overcharge that I got charged for that, put me so fucking inner ears that I couldn’t get out from under it and it was all because of a texting while driving ticket that I talked about getting on this show, however long ago (Episode 147, 2:00). And now here I am, still dealing with this, because—don’t get me wrong, I’m a fucking idiot—because I believe that stuff will somehow take care of itself or go away and I just can’t deal with it. So the first problem, the faultline, starts with me. But, fuck me man. The way the credit card systems work and the way that shit works, I mean, of course you want to … when you finally see somebody that’s somehow a representative of that in this tiny little 3-wheeled car sitting next to you and they’re being fuckin’ glib with you or, or, disrespectful, you’re like ‘I’m gonna fuckin’ crush your fuckin’ skull. Like, I’m gonna hammer your face with a hammer, until it stops blinking or moving. No wonder people get so fuckin’ angry.”
33:23 – Jah was walking his dog the other day, about 2 weeks ago, and he came around the corner and saw a woman walking his dog and another dude. He started chatting with them. The woman is in her 50s and the dude is standing behind her and off to the side looking at Jah. Jah looks at him and figures out that this is the weird couple. The woman doesn’t know that he’s there, and he just walks around them and walks off. This was a Thursday. Twelve hours later Jah got home from doing the podcast, grabs his dog and does one of his loops. He gets to the exact same corner at 4 or 5 a.m. and sees the dude literally coming in the exact same place he was 12 hours ago. He looks at him and doesn’t register that Jah had seen him earlier. Jah says “Hey” and the dude takes off walking. Jah walks outside today, and there are posters of him on every tree. He’s broken into 40 cars within a 5-block radius, stealing people’s GPS units and stuff. There’s a girl involved in a minivan, and they performed a similar ruse to the one Seth describes in his TV show. Jah and Seth assume it’s a reincarnation of gypsies running amok.
40:59 – It was 6:30 a.m. and Seth was watching hi Rehab show, and the emergency EAS message that pops up tells him about a father who abducted his child from his estranged wife at 5:00 that morning in North Hollywood driving a Chevy Astro van. Seth was in his underwear watching this. He wonders if he’s supposed to get dressed, get into his car and go find the guy.
50:32 – A listener sent Jah a gory, hardcore texting while driving PSA that freaked him out
7:30 – Seth got H1N1 on the subway on his way over to Public Assembly when a dude reached across him and scraped Seth’s face with his hand. Jah has not been in a subway since he’s been here, while Seth has. It’s the opposite of what he thought it would be.
9:11 – Seth and Jah were together and saw Jaycee Dugard, the 29-year-old girl who was kidnapped when she was a girl. She looks 17. Seth says if anything good can come out of this, being in a sex bunker for 14 years gives you perfect complexion.
17:32 – Jah’s dad went to a sleep specialist because he has sleep apnea and he literally dies in his sleep 70 times a night. They hook him up to a G4 computer with a tube that pumps oxygen into your nose.
28:14 – Jah’s mother called him this morning and told him about a man sitting on his balcony in front of his house in Marina Del Ray with his arm draped over the balcony. He was there from Monday to Thursday before authorities entered the home and realized he’d been shot through the eyeball. When all the neighbors were questioned, they all thought it was a Halloween decoration. It’s a block away from the Larroquettes’ house.
32:56 – Seth mentions how he thought he had a retrosexual (Episode 186, 45:55 with Stacy Stewart. He got a call from his old friend Mike Bevalaqua at his house the other day, and Mike claimed that Stacy was his retrosexual. Jah thinks the only way for this to be settled if for Mike and Seth to fight over her
33:56 – Jah ass-dialed his parents the other day when he was having sex – except it was actually an ankle-dial since his pants were around his ankles. He gives the crowd an example of the position he was in. He had no idea he did it, and he finished his business in the middle of the afternoon. Jah gets the weirdest feeling afterward like something has gone awry, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone, and sees it had dialed “Dad,” the first name under D. He looks at the phone and assumes they just hung up, but the duration of the call said 52 seconds. Seth wants to know some of the noises Jah was making, but Jah just says they were egging each other on because they were rushed. Jah calls his parents’ home line and his mom answers the phone. He says “Hi mom” and his mom says “Hii.” Jah asks his mom if she heard anything, and she said, “I don’t know if I did. Maybe your father did.” The next time Jah called his dad, he picked up the phone while reciting the mantra “Please don’t be having sex, Please don’t be having sex, Please don’t be having sex.”
45:36 – Seth saw a sun visor in the window of a car that said LETHAL WEAPON 2 – THIS CAR IS PROTECTED BY DANNY GLOVER AND MEL GIBSON with pictures of them posted up.
46:23 – Seth saw some tai chi this morning, which is lovely and elegant when done by elderly Asian women. When it’s done by a dude with a goatee, cargo pants and sandals, it’s slow and gross.
48:30 – Jah got a message the other day from a girl that burns episodes on CDs and sends them to her husband in Afghanistan. He has a whole crew listening to UYD getting super crazy and rowdy about it.
3:14 – The same night UYD performed live in Brooklyn, Cheech and Chong performed live at Harrah’s in Laughlin, Nevada. Seth got a voicemail from a female listener who works at the hotel, and she wanted to let him know that Cheech Marin checked in at the hotel under an alias, “Dick Gozinya.”
5:33 – Jah’s father put him over his knee a couple times in his life because he did some lame stuff that deserved it. Jah thinks it’s effective. Seth’s dad wouldn’t dare spank him when he was growing up.
5:57 – Jah admits that he’s a screamer and when he loses his temper he screams. He says it sucks and it’s detrimental, but it’s what he does. He says screaming is different from yelling, because with screaming you’re trying to inflict shock and hurt into the person.
11:58 – Jah bought a a fine chenille women’s robe for his mom on Mother’s Day. It was around $200 at the Grove.
15:52 – Jah drove around the Mall of America once when he was in Minnesota. He wanted to go in it but didn’t get a chance to because it was 3 a.m. and he was leaving the next day.
16:54 – While Jah was traveling, he watched 4 other people watch television. There was a hot young rich girl done up in a new sweatsuit and a Louis Vuitton bag watching an episode of Entourage and flipping through it and stopping at parts that caught her eye.
20:33 – There was full mayhem outside of Seth’s apartment today. Jah witnessed two dudes in a car being chased by two other dudes. The car had been crashed and there was steam coming out of it, the hood was covering the windshield and the dudes were trying to hold it down while driving 35 miles per hour. Meanwhile Jah is out at his car getting a vegan club sandwich to bring in the house. Seth ran out yelling “Jonathan!” because he thought Jah got carjacked.
23:46 – UYD has a shitload of listeners who have the Swine Flu. Jah has talked to a few personally. The ones who have it all claim that they’ve been completely laid out. Seth didn’t get the vaccine because everyone told him that you get sick for a little bit after you get it. Seth didn’t want to deal with it. Jah thinks the vaccine is bogus. He never used to get vaccines, then he got one finally, and the next year when he didn’t have it he got sick like seven times.
26:47 – A listener told Seth they saw a bumper sticker on a car that said DADDY BOUGHT IT, BUT I GOT IT. Jah saw a hot pink Charger on the freeway last night on 22-inch rims with pink color-matched rims. It was 11:00 at night and all the license plate said was SHE PRETTY. 33:29 – Seth asks if Jah has ever had a bird shit on him. Jah says yes, and that it’s good luck. Seth figures it would be a horrible omen. When it happened to Jah, his hand was out the window of his parents’ car and a bird shit an enormous green diarrhea splatter on him. It was so foreign looking that Jah didn’t know what it was and figured someone from another car threw something at him. His mom heard him crying and turned around and realized he’d been shit on by a sick bird.
43:49 – Jah was watching one of the end battle scenes of the second Hulk movie today in a Best Buy. He thinks that Blu-ray and high-def TVs have absolutely destroyed that model of moviemaking because he was watching William Hurt at the end of it and you can see the glue of the beard and makeup on his face. Then there’s a crazy videogame character floating around on top of it all and Liv Tyler’s not even really looking at anything.
57:06 – Dimitri got egged last night in person, standing in front of the Tavern. The egg got into the hip pocket of his jeans and so he got in his car and left. The game they used was putting the egg yolk inside of a Taco Bell cup and whipping it out of the cup super fast.
5:25 – Jah is a clean person but he doesn’t keep a clean house because he gets overwhelmed with all his stuff. His mental functions are night and day when operating in a clean environment versus a dirty environment.
15:46 – Seth saw the Michael Jackson movie and declares that he is an artist, and you see an artist at work in the movie. The scene at the Cineramadome was curious on opening night at 9 a.m. A lot of the females looked like dancers
28:35 – Seth cheated a little bit in high school, but Jah did not. Jah did, however, steal from the lunch truck for a while. If Jah hadn’t prepared for a test, he would just go in and fail it.
48:26 – Jah used to be completely hooked on Mountain Dew. For at least two years, he drank two of the 24-ounce Dews a day. He had mad stomach problems and crazy anxiety attacks. Plus he was fat. Seth went off coffee last June, and it was bad for him for a couple weeks. He left work at one point and his head hurt so bad.
49:45 – Seth’s friend had kidney stones in college and called his dad in a delirious state screaming and passed the stones out his dick. You have to do that unless you pay money and get laser surgery. Otherwise you must drink a bunch of water and pee them out. When Seth got his appendix out, the nurse told him he might need a catheter. When he found out the possible repercussions, he forced himself to piss.
59:13 – Seth has never had a non-alcoholic beer. Jah says they’re gross. His dad likes Buckler’s, which almost taste like a beer if you keep them really, really cold.
59:57 – Jah said a long time ago on the show that he would never have a Twitter account, but Uhh Yeah Dude now has a Twitter account. Jah will update it from his phone and it will be an aggregate of the things that already exist. Jah says there is a Seth Romatelli on Twitter but he wants to make it clear that is not them.
1:01:28 – Jah’s dad called Seth a few weeks ago and said he got an e-mail from Seth and he sounded concerned about it. Then while leaving the message he realized this was not possible and hung up.
1:03:08 – Seth can’t believe it’s almost the end of the decade. It’s hard to believe that Y2K was 10 years ago. He was sitting in Abiquiu, N.M., with an e-ticket to a spaceship that never came (Episode 075, 41:24; Episode 052, 19:48; Episode 133, 11:37).
1:49 – Seth played high school tennis for a couple years and totally loved Andre Agassi. Jah played tennis in late middle school and wore all of Agassi’s clothing, shoes, etc.
3:58 – Jah loves Steffi Graf’s legs better than anyone else’s. This is why he loves “Riding on the Metro” by Berlin (Episode 112, 35:56) so much.
5:28 – So many people have the flu in Jah’s life that it’s crazy. He says the only solution to avoid it is to smoke cigarettes and drink water.
7:07 – Jah had to ask a sandwich artist at Subway the other night on his way to the Phish concert in Oakland. She had just made a BBQ chicken sub and he asked her to change them so he could have his veggie sub, and she was annoyed.
8:00 – Seth declares that Phish is still the greatest band in the world. He says the Phish show was epic and he hadn’t felt that way at a show since he was a kid.
15:26 – Seth and Jah think back on what they packed in their suitcases to New York. Seth didn’t pack anything valuable but Jah packed some hard drives, which could be worth something.
16:19 – Jah’s mom flew to England two years ago and was overweight (not her, her baggage), and she opened it to unload it, took out some things including a laptop, then put it back in the suitcase. The security guy said “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” but she insisted and it in fact did get stolen.
17:55 – Jah says that LAX is so unacceptably behind the times run-down, rag-tag and shitty that he has never in his life traveled to another airport that is so disproportionately low-end and wack. This is why Seth flies out of Burbank. When he got on that plane to fly to NYC, he got to walk the tarmac and be out in the mix. He felt awesome.
25:31 – Seth got a voicemail from a girl who lives in Oregon. She was talking about the fact that New Jersey and Oregon are the only two states that ban self-service gas stations. (Seth looked it up and the law supposedly protects consumers/drivers from deadly accidents. He thinks it’s because in the 1930s it was a relatively dangerous thing.) The caller said she was getting gas super late at night, and the guy who came out to pump the gas was really creepy.
44:13 – Jah declares that condoms are the worst. Seth’s mother was quite alarmed at UYD’s discussion of condoms and wanted to make sure that Jah was protecting himself despite refusing to wear them.
11:30 – Seth got a voicemail from a listener who said he was just listening to Episode 191 and Jah’s crazy lucid, intense vivid dreams (47:37 and 1:02:32), as well as the “Blueberry Children” (32:59). He said there have actually been neurological studies, and there is a direct correlation between ingesting a high amount of B vitamins and having very intense, vivid, lucid dreams. “Or,” the listener said, “maybe Jonathan’s right and somebody just planted an intergalactic phone in your head.”
19:15 – Seth remembers going to the HORDE show at Old Orchard Beach. He saw his mother at her cottage in Scarborough before he went to the show and they had just taken mushrooms. Seth and his mother’s song is John Lennon’s “Imagine,” and Seth’s parents were there as well, and Blues Traveler played “Imagine” and Seth starts crying during his mushroom trip.
22:40 – Seth asks Jah if he still carries a knife with him. Jah says it’s funny he asked because he was talking to someone about this last night. He doesn’t carry it anymore, although he did carry a buck knife for a very long time. He also carried a box cutter for a long time.
49:42 – Jah was talking with Seth earlier tonight about how there’s a flaw in the system that he wholeheartedly agrees with, hiring mentally handicapped people for jobs they are capable of fulfilling in the workplace. In order for that type of a system to work properly, there have to be people hired within those companies that have experience dealing with that and who can act as a buffer for the common person coming in and aren’t well-versed at dealing with it. Jah has been seeing a major breakdown in the flow of communication at retail stores because there is no point person to help them with this issue.
57:33 – Seth booked his first commercial on a pager. He can bring you to the payphone he did it at if it’s still there. It was a good day that day, but he got cut out of it, along with Alicia Silverstone’s husband, Christopher Jarecki. He ran into Jarecki last year, and Seth told him about the YouTube channel with the commercial he was in with Jarecki – the Playstation Cool Boarders 2. Seth could just imagine Chris and Alicia coming home and busting out laughing at the commercial on her laptop.
2:39 – Jonathan speaks of his experience with the USPS, although Seth uses the agency much more than Jah does. UYD has been using USPS Priority Mail, and Jah has had very few problems with the USPS after using them. But since the system is hemorrhaging so much, Jah is wondering if there’s ever been anything like this in history that had to be completely restructured for it to succeed – he does believe it’s possible to fix it, but Seth does not.
30:27 – Jah believes he wrote a letter to Santa after the year 1954. He doesn’t believe he received any sort of reply. Seth thinks this is because right after Jah’s mom pretended to put the mail in the mailbox, she pulled it back out. Jah believed in Santa Claus for quite some time, until Richard Moll crushed his dreams at age 10. Jah’s parents flipped the script on him because he had gotten kind of hip to it, but they elaborated on the spirit of Santa, which lived on in Jah until forever.
34:45 – Seth’s game used to be on point, as evidenced from his bitchin’ summer road trip (Episode 192, 15:58), when he had his whole life ahead of him. Then he got a phone call from his friend Tim Douglas in Boston, who was going to send a picture to Jonathan from the second HORDE show, during which Seth was wearing boxer shorts, no shirt and khakis. Seth put a huge cockblock on it before Tim could post it on Facebook without Seth’s consent. He’s going to review the hard copy first, then allow Jah to see it. Tim reminds Seth that Seth snuck into that show, scaling a wall without tickets.
55:05 – Seth had a Secret Santa gag with one of his co-workers, during which they gave the same gift card to each other for their birthdays, holidays, etc., and he told her to go to Whole Foods and just use it. She picked up a six-pack and something else with the $25 card and they told her she didn’t have enough. She paid for it with her own money, then Seth called the 1-800 number and it was only worth $11 because after six months it loses $2.25 each month from June on.
57:48 – Jah hasn’t gotten his flu shot and will not, and Seth isn’t doing it because Jah hasn’t. He’s just following his lead. Seth has been taking kombucha because he thinks it’s good for him, but Jah is now hearing that it’s bad for you because the amount of work the body has to do to break down the fermented fungus outweighs the good that it does for you. Jah’s problem is that he has a massive iron deficiency because he doesn’t eat meat.
1:00:41 – Jah can’t lie – he’s still on the fish (Episode 171, 43:07). It works for him sometimes.
6:59 – Seth is all for ball tapping because he became best friends with Brian Peters as a result of Todd Trefree walking up to him in middle school and said, “Hey, this is for Brian Peters,” and punched him in the nuts and dropped him down. Seth and Brian got into a fight and Seth won, and they became friends as a result. Seth recalled that he was walking upstairs and Brian was walking down and they were eyeing each other like it was on. Seth claims there were only two hits – him hitting Brian and Brian hitting the ground. They got in trouble and had to go to the principals’ office and later became friends. Seth said that Trefree lives in Bakersfield now. He also spoke with Peters tonight before the show.
24:41 – The first time Jah saw the Pam Anderson – Tommy Lee sex tape, it was on ¾ inch dubs and hadn’t come out big time yet. They were in a recording studio and they moved it in on a cart. Him and Wag watched it together. Seth watched it with his roommates at 632 N. Beechwood from Johnny Knoxville and Spike. It got passed around the city of LA so quickly. After Jah saw it, he remembers thinking he couldn’t believe it happened. Seth found it to be so uplifting because it was a couple expressing their love together. He loves the part with her jumping in the water and swimming and him saying “I love you so much.” Jah thinks they sound like assholes talking about this because it makes them sound so old. He finds it comforting that the first sex tape that ever came out was of two people genuinely in love, whereas it’s been shittier versions of it ever since with people like Ray-J.
31:22 – Seth says it was really hard to explain how crazy it was during those months leading up to the actual verdict of the O.J. Simpson trial. Seth was delivering food at that time and it was all anybody thought about or talked about. Jah recalls that the apartment it happened in is 180 feet from the house he first ever ate acid in. Right around the corner, the restaurant she worked at, which is now a Peet’s Coffee, Jah used to eat there all the time.
33:30 – Seth remembers that he had to deal with people all day and give them food and not get tipped and had to talk about the O.J. trial. A confidant of his, said that the cast of Beverly Hills: 90210 watched the Simpson verdict from the lawn of the Walsh’s house on a TV.
37:18 – Seth went to St. Patrick’s Cathedral the day he left New York to get his mother a mass schedule. He put his bag down and went to get some communal stuff, and when he unzipped the bag it exposed his underwear and socks. He felt embarrassed with his dirty undies being in the presence of the Lord.
54:42 – Jah continued his streak of being an asshole at the bank today (Episode 046, 37:28). He was at his Wells Fargo and doing something that he learned from a banker. He split a check regarding accounts with holds on them – he deposited it into the non-held account, then took half out as cash and deposited it immediately in cash in the held account. He moved a year and a half ago and has established this as “his branch” and does this all the time. He gets up to the teller, and it’s his third time dealing with this particular woman in her 40s. In the bank there are 2 customer service supervisors, 3 tellers – one of whom is doing nothing and the other who is talking to a Mexican guy in Spanish, while the other supervisor is chuckling along and the other teller is turned in laughing and Jah’s teller is laughing as well as she flags him over. Jah doesn’t have his wallet with him, just his check and his information he needs for his bank. He tells her this prior to him explaining what he’s about to do, because he already knows she has no recollection of him. She says it’s no problem and starts filling it out. Ten minutes goes by and she has to call the customer service guy over, and Jah has to re-explain what he’s doing. It takes 5 minutes for her to figure out which accounts he’s talking about on the computer. He tells her she’s filling out the wrong thing because she writes both of them for the same amount of money, which is more money than Jah’s giving her that she’s trying to deposit. She ignores him and he persists, while she starts crossing things out. She is a new teller and has been there a few months. It’s such a basic task that Jah gets irate, and the supervisor hears Jah raising his voice. He walks over and Jah tells him she’s putting it in for a different amount. She gives him a look, and out of Jah’s mouth comes this: “YOU SHOULD BE BETTER AT YOUR JOB. YOU SHOULD DO YOUR JOB BETTER.” The supervisor says he’ll take care of it and pushes her out of the way. The last time he did this with her, Jah had to initial the deposit slip five times for stuff she had crossed out and re-done rather than scrapping the piece of paper. Jah explains that they must have hired this lady because she has gigantic tits and a short body so every guy that walks over can stare down at her gigantic twins. When the customer service rep comes over, he runs it through and asks Jah for his ID. Jah says he doesn’t have it, then the guy says they’re going to have to deposit it as a check and they’re going to have to put a hold on it. The guy wouldn’t do it, and Jah says he needed to get the check back from him before he seriously lost his cool. Jah doesn’t know if he can go back into this bank. Jah observes that every person in there is at least 10 years younger than everyone working there a year ago. It’s all 20-year-olds and the amount of slapping going on between the African American boy and girl who work there is ridiculous. Jah admits that his flipping out is completely out of line.
1:05:28 – Jah heard about a guy hanging out with his 14-year-old sister, who was logging onto Myspace. He asked her why she was doing it, and she said she had to because everyone’s parents were on Facebook now and she can’t be private there.
41:45 – Amir was in a music video for a song that’s featured on the Twilight: New Moon soundtrack.
43:38 – One summer, Seth stole beer from the Sunny Corner convenience store up the street from his house in Haverhill. He wasn’t thinking but got fingered by the manager one day.
54:28 – Jah is trying to figure out which airport he was in that had a floor-to-ceiling display covered by plexiglass filled with exotic skins and reptiles and illegal stuff they’ve confiscated.
55:54 – Seth received some literature from Family Radio, which told him that judgment day was May 21, 2011.
10:02 – The UYD voicemail box filled up with messages from listeners talking about the Indian boy on the Tootsie Pop wrappers (Episode 195, 13:47). One of the voicemails to Seth said, “I guess you’re the herda-hatta-herda!”
13:59 – As a child, Jonathan used to watch the soap opera As The World Turns. He did a lot of staying home, plus his grandmother and housekeeper would watch them so he got into them. Plus there were always hot girls on the shows, so he was always beating off to them.
15:21 – Seth and Jonathan watched the Hollywood Christmas Parade (Episode 045, 54:07; Episode 057, 8:06) together, and there were times they’d see somebody who appeared to be an actor. They did see Dog The Bounty Hunter looking super fresh, wearing multiple dreamcatchers and a heavy duty Carhartt jacket.
33:28 – Seth talks about his NexCare Duct-Tape Band-Aids that you can’t really get anywhere. The bandage has medication and padding on it, but instead of a shitty adhesive it’s duct tape. He saw a dude wearing one, and it was perfectly shaped. The guy that Seth asked about them had ordered them off eBay from Germany and gave Seth a couple, so he’s saving them for his best cuts.
58:08 – Jah didn’t pay his cell phone bill again so he’s still in that place where he can only receive texts.
15:09 – Jah asks Seth if he ever rubbed one out in class, and Seth said he could barely do it in his own home.
18:16 – Jah went to a magazine stand the other day and was going through mags he used to religiously buy. They don’t exist in his life any more because he gets all the information in other places, because the mags cost like $10.
30:54 – Jah wants to know what the “birds and bees” conversation consists of. He doesn’t know if the conversation he had would constitute as a “birds and bees” conversation, but he distinctly remembers a drive-time conversation with his father about the use of prophylactics. At that point Jah had sexual education for two years in his private school. Seth had a health class at school where they might have glazed over the sex talk.
32:58 – Seth was in Larchmont shortly after seeing the statistic that 30 percent of teens 13-19 have sexted, and saw three girls standing at a parking meter in front of Jamba Juice giggling. He thinks in his head that one of those girls has sent a topless photo of herself to a boy at a local Los Angeles high school. He then sees one of their moms loading them into her minivan and wants to pull her aside and ask if she knows what’s going on with her daughter.
33:50 – There’s a certain type of individual that causes Jah to step dead in his tracks during a day when he sees him – a young father. They’re pseudo-alternadads who are completely clueless as to how to make the transition from college life to fatherhood. They’re wearing sleeve tattoos, slogan t-shirts and cargo shorts/True Religion jeans. Jah wants everyone to cut the shit because there’s a right way of doing things.
37:33 – Jah watched the entire episode of The Sing Off on mute on a 50-inch TV while sitting in a Thai restaurant and reading the subtitles. Jah was so blown away by Nick Lachey’s rigout that he tweeted “It looks like Nick Lachey stole his suit from Fred Savage.” Jah wanted to light the Mormon bitches on fire.
48:38 – Seth can’t text, he only has a landline, but what he gets all the time are the text-to-landline texts from Amir, which uses a computer voice to taunt him about Tony Romo and the Cowboys, and it drives him crazy because he can’t do it back to him. Amir is a Steelers fan and Seth had a big thing planned because Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said he was going to “unleash hell” in December and they’ve done nothing but lose more games.
50:15 – Seth can’t remember the last time he was in a house of worship. He remembered parking his Sundance in front of the church his mother went to and he slept while she worshipped. Seth finally remembers the last time – he was in St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City in October. Seth also went to church at Christ the King on Rosmore with his mother last Christmas when she came to visit. Seth was standing outside when the priest came out and he was so young that Seth thought he was an altar boy. He got up on the microphone and Seth thought he was getting crazy on the mic. He was saying the illest shit and Seth kept squeezing his mother’s hand as he spoke about the manger being “filled with excrement.”
1:02:10 – Seth’s friend Tim saw Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez out once, and Seth was in Larchmont and wondered if he could make it out there in time.
2:13 – Jah misses Lucky Charms, he doesn’t eat them anymore since they have marshmallows and he doesn’t eat gelatin. He passes them by in the cereal aisle and craves them. He also misses being able to eat Frosted Mini Wheats.
8:59 – Seth went on a whale watch in the eighth grade and barfed his brains out.
9:04 – Jah and his mom took a ferry from LA to Catalina once and they barfed their brains out off the side. Jah was on the second deck and had been walking around for an hour trying to do it. He barfed strawberry lemonade onto a window on the first deck, where a bunch of families were sitting. When he walked downstairs to get water, he saw a huge stream of red vomit across four windows. It was so bad, that for the ride back they rented a helicopter in lieu of renting a ferry for the ride back. Seth wants to get a heli tour of LA, and Jah assures him they’re awesome but they can definitely crash.
32:20 – Seth went into EZ Lube one time and they tried to grift him by going through a battery of tests for what he needs done. Seth went to Los Feliz Auto Parts this week and had his Sundance checked out. His guy came out and said he would check the battery for him, and it was totally cool. Then he goes to EZ Lube, and the mechanic tells him his battery needs replacing. Seth couldn’t believe it. At the end of it he was shaking and handed over his Bank of America VersaTel. Jah thinks it’s come full circle because those employees are being threatened with losing their jobs if they don’t tack on all these extra costs. Jah says the most offensive place they do it is at the bank, where they constantly try to get you to open other accounts, which adds on a bunch of other $10 fees.
40:27 – During the last run of door-to-door magazine salesmen that Jah had in the valley (Episode 095, 58:24), the last couple had a deteriorated look about them. He remembered seeing the vans that pulled up to the tops of the streets and the people jumped out and fanned throughout the neighborhood. They were all battered wives and other sob stories.
12:22 – Seth spent New Year’s the same way he always does: he ran a bath, he lit some motives and he curled up with the Bible. Simple.
12:44 – Jah was in Denver, Colo., for New Year’s Eve doing a Jogger show. He said it was cold, but not as cold as Chicago was on Dec. 30.
32:57 – Seth has seen firsthand that it’s hard to quit smoking from a girl he works with. He twisted it on her on Monday morning at 11:00 a.m. He grabbed Misty cigarettes out of her hand, put them in her face and said, “Is this what the fuck your life has come to?” She started breaking down and talking about her friend’s aunt who died. Seth said, “You’re done,” then gave her one to go out and smoke. She went eight days without smoking. Seth kept the pack of cigarettes and was going to present it to her in a box wrapped up to say “We’ve done it!” He gets a phone call on that eighth day and can sense something in her voice. He doesn’t see her until the 14th day, presents the box and she puts her head down. He was disappointed because he thought he would do it.
34:25 – Jah agrees that quitting smoking is difficult, but also says that people who know it’s bad and do it anyway and are not aware of the contradiction are inexcusable. Jah says he smoked for a long time and it was a foregone conclusion that it wasn’t going to happen forever anyway. He’s now 32 and he’s been smoking two years longer than he never intended to, and he now realizes he’s dirty and supports a lot of dirty companies through his actions.
39:01 – When Seth sees Cinnamon Twists on the dessert menu of Taco Bell, he will ineveitably give in to them. He had to go to McDonald’s when his mother was in town to get her a grilled chicken Caesar salad, and the last time he had been there was when they had Cinnamon Melts (Episode 047, 0:13) and he lost himself there for a month with Naval vets. It was so hard for him to sit there for 12 seconds at the drive-thru seeing the way they drizzle the icing on the Cinnamon Melts.
42:24 – Seth got mail delivered that was addressed to “Uhh Yeah Dude,” and he shows the USPS employee his driver’s license, and they won’t give him the package because it doesn’t say “Uhh Yeah Dude” on his license. Jah thinks he will be disappointed if someone doesn’t change his/her name to “Uhh Yeah Dude” in 2010.
48:56 – Something happened while Jah and Amir were traveling back to LA from Denver. He left on Jan. 30, flew to Chicago and there was a bomb scare at LAX while they were there. They were trapped in their terminal, blockaded in a hallway by TSA members with every gate closed and every store’s doors down. They watched officials interrogate an Indian man with two boys in matching polo shirts crying. In Chicago, they got there really early and were waiting. He hears a loud voice going “motherfucker!,” looks over and sees a 5-foot tall, 40-something-year-old reddish-brown haired little piss-and-vinegar broad with the biggest duffel bag over her back. Her husband is standing there with a deer hunting baseball hat and a NASCAR zip-up jacket reading a magazine. Jah realizes there’s been some sort of travel cock-up. The husband is calmly telling her to settle down. Jah sees her wearing a white cable-knit sweater, and she has hiked it up around her neck like a giant shawl, and all she has on is a flesh-colored burkini-cut grandma bra while huffing and puffing. The husband walks over and asks what she’s doing, and she replies, “I’M HOT!” About 30 to 45 minutes over, Jah sees them sitting at a Mexican grill eating and drinking, so he assumes everything is fine again with them. Amir and Jah get on the plane and Jah is sitting bulkhead, and the redneck woman walks down the aisle and a square foil tablet falls out of her bag. He reaches down to pick it up and hand it back to her, and all of a sudden he sees a face and two hands in front of him, and she picks them up and looks at him and says, “I’ve got the drugs, MOTHAFUCKA!” while laughing hysterically and annihilated drunk. They sit directly behind Jah on the flight from Chicago to Denver, and makes a comment like, “Oh sorry, they’re only Tylenol PMs! Shit!” Jah hears her husband calmly saying to her, “Baby, they will kick you off this plane so fast…” and she’s still being belligerent. All of a sudden, one of the official managerial flight attendants walks down and asks her to come with them, deplanes both of them and takes their baggage off. She was standing up for 10 minutes trying to get out of the situation, but to no avail.
1:03:37 – Jah went into an Apple Store and saw girls hacking into other girls’ Facebook accounts
6:00 – Friend of the show, Rabbi Abe, sent Jah something about the Jewish kink that’s occurring in porn where there’s a new subgenre of Yiddish sluts.
14:09 – Seth asks Jah to do the voice of the hen-pecked husband he saw at the airport (Episode 199, 48:56), who he was told by UYD listeners sounded like a mixture of Dr. Phil and King of the Hill.
52:21 – Jah outs Amir for wearing the 2Exist brand underwear. Seth is flabbergasted.
2:50 – Seth saw a doctor this week, and he was giving him a lot of compliments. The Caucasian male doctor in his early 40s told Seth, “I love those frames,” and “Great t-shirt.” Seth doesn’t know if he was flirting with him, he was just giving him a lot of compliments and he feels that people should do that more often. However, this doctor was pressing the flesh gloveless while getting down to brass tacks, nuts and bolts.
7:02 – Jah was in fourth grade the first time he ever was in real snow.
23:23 – Jah says the worst thing ever is having to shit in a Starbucks. It happens to him frequently because he’s out in the world and doesn’t stay within shitting distance of his house. Seth, however, is within 4.2 miles of his home at all times. Jah despises sitting in the corner of a cavernous bathroom to shit. Seth is paranoid about this because he thinks creepy fucks have set up cameras in every private place with the hopes of seeing a boob.
55:56 – Jah came across some disturbing porn video months ago. It was amateur porn, but wasn’t even porn. It was a couple on their couch where he was watching TV and she was blowing him. Jah felt like he was in their living room and it was just absolutely too much for him. Jah thinks this kind of stuff is killing the porn industry. Jah goes as far as to say that he can tell his dick stinks by the way she’s sucking it.
1:00:00 – Jah hates Muscle Milk, which Seth fed him the other night. He said it’s like drinking cow jizz. The memory of drinking it came through him the other night and he got chills.
1:09:08 – Jah and Seth say their Jackée episode will be off the hizz. Jah re-mentions that he saw her walking near Abbot Kinney on a Sunday afternoon (Episode 181, 5:10)
4:21 – Jah declares that Seth has terrible internet at his apartment. It’s the narrowest broadband he’s ever worked with.
24:16 – Jonathan was represented by the Chubb Group at one point.
35:04 – Jonathan remembers beating off to the “Like A Virgin” music video
48:51 – Some bitch barista tried to sell Jah a brownie today with his coffee.
51:17 – A UYD listener left a voice message for Seth, talking about Jah’s reference to a porn site – E-Porner – it was the only one he could access that wasn’t blocked in China.
54:07 – Jah wants to bring up something he’s been slightly conflicted about. It’s been 10 years since he bought a leather item – a belt or shoes or backpack or luggage – for himself. He has on occasion bought leather gifts for other people, Seth included. His girlfriend is buying him a pair of Redwing leather boots online so he can wear something on tour to keep his feet warm. He knows there are alternatives that are not leather and he continues to explore those options. There’s a part of him that feels that he needs and deserves these boots, but he’s not excited about breaking his 10 years of cruelty-free living. Seth says the only way to pay his penance is to put on a pair of sturdy, heavy-duty work gloves and pick up 100 pieces of trash in Santa Monica.
1:04:06 – Jah has been going to bed early all this past week. It was the first time he had done it in so long. He has been sleeping 9 hours, and he can’t believe how refreshed he feels.
5:00 – Having spent some time in recovery-based groups, Jah knows a lot of people who were into drug recovery who moved into sex recovery later on. It always seemed fucked up to Jah that they would all come into the same room to talk about sex addiction. He thinks there’s something very much there, he just doesn’t know if they’re going up about it the proper way.
12:24 – Jah was having a conversation the other day with his female friend who is from Canada and grew up in an ethnically mixed school and neighborhood. Wherever they were sitting, they had just seen some melting pot type of activity going on at a bar. She said, “You know what’s at the base of all of these prejudices and racial problems? It’s not communication. It’s hate. Each one hates the other one. Chinese hate the Japs, Japs hate the Chinese, etc.” Jah thinks the deep seed of hate comes from an unwillingness for humans to accept their nature.
23:43 – Jah was mad excited about going to Universal Studios when he was a kid. He used to get hyped for it. When he was living up in the hills, you could drive through a neighborhood and get to a vantage point where you could see the whole backlot, and listen to the announcer on the megaphone.
26:21 – Seth talks about walking out of the theater during King Kong, while Jah remembers going outside to smoke and coming back to cry and get angry at the movie at the end (Episode 118, 17:04).
47:00 – Seth saw a Live Links commercial where the girl looked at Seth and whispered, “I want to hear your voice.”
56:44 – Jah walked by an LA Times dispenser the other day, and someone had written across it in some sort of intense markering that said SWINE FLU IS A HOAX.
2:12 – Jah is technically still a married man, and he still files taxes jointly with his wife. He doubts that issues should arise, but it’s a nightmare nonetheless. Seth wonders if his daughter in Arizona should be claimed as a dependent.
9:31 – Jah usually steals bathrobes from hotels. It’s the only thing he’s taken from a hotel that he didn’t think he was supposed to take. But his understanding was that every hotel automatically charges you for taking the robe if you take it, while stealing towels was poor form.
21:18 – Jah remembers losing so much money gambling in a short period of time in his life that warranted him quarantining himself in a room and making a phone call to a beloved person to tell them the state he was in. They had to tell him to undress and go take a shower.
1:04:45 – Jah remembers how easy it was to sleep when he was a teenager. He used to sleep in until 3 or 4 in the afternoon on weekends. When puberty hit he would just wake up and eat horrific amounts of food and sleep some more. His knees always hurt and his braces had to be tightened.
21:58 – Jah uses the coin deposit machines at grocery stores and collects like $200 each time. Jah says this is because he doesn’t spend change.
54:53 – Seth was reading his newspaper in the sauna, and for the most part the only thing he has to contend with is cocks being everywhere. He doesn’t understand the comfort level that some men reach in his sauna. Seth wears boxer briefs as he sits in there with newspaper under his feet so he doesn’t so his feet don’t have to touch the grimy floor. A guy walks in there today with a trash bag under his fleece and begins shedding his many layers. Some men pour liquid on the rocks to shoot some steam off and heat it up even though there are signs that say not to do it, but this dude takes off the bottom layer of his six-layer ensemble – a Hanes gray tank top that is soaked to the bone, walks over and rings it out over the sauna. As it’s happening, Seth is imagining it’s the worst idea ever. Within 11 seconds, his soul is hit with the deepest, sharpest most pungent odor ever. He can’t collect his shit fast enough to get out of there.
3:43 – Seth reminds his mom about when he talked about her not letting him have cereal unless sugar was after the first three ingredients listed (Episode 135, 38:31).
3:58 – Seth broke his wrist once and Marcia didn’t believe him, and she grabbed him by the wrist and he screamed. Marcia claimed she took him to the doctor right away and they told her it was broken. For days followinig this when he was in a cast on his third birthday, Marcia, kept apologizing to little Seth.
5:27 – Seth asks Marcia if she texted when she was in high school. She said the courting process was love letters when she graduated high school in 1965.
7:08 – Seth wants to know how Marcia and other females took care of menstrual cycles when they were in high school. She won’t get into it. Her parents did not tell her about the birds and the bees when she was in high school. She found it out from her high school girlfriends.
8:49 – Seth wants to know if he ever had an Italian horn as a kid. Marcia said he wanted one and he got it when they came to visit California when he was a high school sophomore. Seth thinks he was sporting it at the TCBY in Hollywood (Episode 039, 33:17 and Episode 056, 14:47). Seth also wanted a Lamborghini and they visited a dealership. They went to Solvang – a shitty Danish community with 12 people – and Seth wanted to be up in the ‘Wood.
9:32 – Seth recalls wanting to get an earring because Peter Martelluci got one but his dad wouldn’t let him (Episode 106, 5:49 and 33:58). Marcia wants to know if he ever asked her.
10:23 – Seth was a wonderful baby. He was so amazing and so quiet. Marcia says that he was so amazing that when they started to do transcendental meditation (TM) when Seth was 2 years old, he would wake up and Marcia would tell him she would be there in a little bit, and he would just play in his crib like a good boy. He would fall asleep in the car the minute he got in there.
11:14 – Marcia smoked a joint and almost burned the house down when Seth was still in the crib. They were in a back room watching a Boston Bruins game smoking pot and someone was leaving to go home, and there was a little fire in the kitchen started from the hot wax from a candle dripping onto a plastic floral arrangement sitting in the china dish and it caught on fire. It melted into the kitchen table. They grabbed a towel from the bathroom and smothered it out. That was the last time Marcia smoked pot.
13:29 – Marcia works with 3- and 4-year-olds and they have a peanut-free classroom because one of the kids in the morning class has an allergy to peanuts.
14:19 – Seth wonders how he got so crazy being a germophobe. Marcia doesn’t know for sure.
15:26 – Seth went through the drive-thru at McDonald’s today to get Marcia a Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad. Seth used to order Egg McMuffins and take the egg out because he didn’t like it. Marcia sent Seth the picture of him with his Happy Meal collection – which got ruined in the cellar when the basement got flooded. He used to only eat Happy Meals, because he couldn’t stand Marcia cooking liver and onions on a Friday night.
17:17 – Marcia just went through a whole nightmare call center debacle with Comcast. She was trying to set up the new deal they’re getting so they can charge her money but by making her think everything’s going to be really cool and simple. They would say, “You’re all set now, I’m reading your signal. Wait about 15 minutes and when you turn the TV back on again, everything’s going to be fine. Is there anything else I can do for you? Thank you, goodbye.” Seth is trying to convince Marcia that she needs some type of DVR because they have 6 TVs in the house. She still uses a VCR and has an answering machine with a tape in it that cuts Seth off every time he calls. And when his rage explodes on her, Marcia tells Seth he’s the only person who leaves messages that get cut off. Marcia hypothesizes that once it gets to Call #4 it will get cut off, but Seth calls every day.
44:49 – Seth used to go to New Hampshire when he got booze for the first time. He didn’t get caught there, but he got caught at Sunny Corner stealing beer because it was a friend of the Romatellis that saw him. They were eating subs at Mediterranean in Haverhill on Winter Street when Brian’s father came and said “the police called the house because someone saw you stealing beer out of the Corner.” Seth’s dad was battling pneumonia in the middle of the summer and Marcia gave Seth a guilt trip for causing this extra strain on the family.
46:14 – Marcia remembers riding through the Ward Hill Industrial Park and sees one of those big signs with Seth’s name written in big bold spray can letters.
47:55 – Seth recalls that when they started the first episode 4 years ago in February 2006, the first episode went up and Seth was explaining to his mom how to listen. Marcia and Jonathan’s mother, Elizabeth, were the only two people listening to the show within hours of when it went up. They’re coming full circle.
15:15 – Seth wonders if Jah has had any Girl Scout Cookies yet. Jah said he had some on the road. He loves the Peanut Butter Patties and the Samoas with the hole in the middle of them. Seth likes the Lemon Chalet Crème because it’s a cinnamon cookie with lemon crème filling.
17:02 – Jah bought Girl Scout Cookies three different times on the tour. One time it was two parents in a Colorado deli he was in with their kid, and she came in with the cart. He bolted over there and bought two boxes. There was a kiosk set up on a corner with 30 parents there. There was also an outdoor festival in Palm Springs and the spread those Girl Scouts had was three tables long with hundreds of boxes of cookies.
20:06 – Jah wonders if Seth is going to ask him how many McDonald’s Filet-o-Fish he ate on tour. Seth thinks he ate 18 of them. Jah actually ate only 3. He also ate some Veggie Subs from Subway and hit up Taco Bell about three times. He took a bite of a chicken sandwich and spit it out because he’s testing those waters and he’s not afraid to taste it and see if it repulses him the way it used to. The chicken sandwich repulsed him. The last night on tour in Athens, Ga., he took a bite of a bacon cheeseburger and it went down easy. Jah can not remember the last time he ate something like that.
27:08 – Jah goes on record and says something about his recent travels. He hypothesizes that GPS devices suck at teaching people geography. When he was a kid and used to take road trips, there are massive Rand-McNally map books that give you a two-page picture of the state and you wrap your head around the visualization of it. The GPS – perspective, size, etc. – only gets you to Point B and you don’t see how it happened.
32:15 – Other than Avatar, Seth wonders the last time Jah went to the movies. Jah says it was Beowulf. He had such a bad run that he had to dip out for a while.
40:15 – Jah wonders if Seth has ever choked on a hot dog, even as a kid. Seth says never. The only time he’s ever choked on anything is when he was riding his bike as a kid, throwing pennies in the air and trying to catch them with his mouth. One of them got caught in his throat, and he scared himself and had to jump off his Haro (Episode 045, 47:55; Episode 054, 22:21). Jah says he choked a few times as a child. He had a peanut butter choke (Episode 107, 33:43).
2:31 – Jah’s grandma cooked some rich meals for him back in the day. She would also sneak back the airplane desserts for Jonathan to eat.
9:02 – Jah recalls trying one of Seth’s Shamrock Shakes at his apartment one time, but it had been sitting out a while and tasted like an old tube of toothpaste.
17:41 – Jah drove by the Hunt’s ketchup factory while he was out on the road.
18:09 – Jah used to say “tomato” like to-MAH-to when he was a kid and used to get ridiculed when he was a child. It was because of his mom being English and he got fucked with, so he stopped saying words certain ways.
28:19 – Jah knows we’re not doing that great as a country in our airports because he still accidentally makes it through security with a lighter every time he flies.
45:24 – Seth’s little brother, Max, had an event at his school related to the book Diary of a Wimpy Kid where they did the Diary of a Wimpy Kid Olympics and he had to drink tomato juice.
55:25 – Jonathan still loves his local post office, and says that every piece of merch he’s sent through there has been delivered. He wishes them nothing but the best and hopes they get out of their funk.
1:03:15 – Jah had a friend who was having an affair with a woman when Jah was younger. She was an older woman and the way she justified the fact she was having an affair with her husband is that she was only having anal sex.
9:49 – Maybe it’s a sign of getting old, but Jonathan feels like he less frequently falls prey to new items and needing to know what they taste like.
41:57 – Seth notices that he hasn’t been hearing random people walking around saying “Obama!” all positively (Episode 142, 25:55) or wearing Obama t-shirts as often.
43:24 – Seth had a Prius pull up next to him in Larchmont and he wanted to ask the woman driving it if she was terrified.
53:12 – Jah say Leo Kottke play live at the Troubador. Kottke said a funny thing that had Jah going: “If you have a song stuck in your head and sing it backwards, it gets out of your head.” Seth wonders if you could do this with “Gonna Make You Sweat” by C&C Music Factory.
16:03 – Jah can’t remember the last time he heard a busy signal. He listens to fax forms when he gets them because they’re so rare.
28:13 – Seth was at the LA Marathon on Hollywood and Vine. The top 15 spots were claimed by Kenyans or Ethiopians, and Seth says it’s because they actually know how to run. The white guys who run by him have unorthodox styles and run so weirdly that they have no chance. Seth estimates that the longest he’s ever run was when he was in soccer practice as a high school freshman.
37:50 – Jah says he’s gotten busy on a plane but he’s never banged in a plane bathroom or anything. He was traveling with his girlfriend and fingering her.
38:26 – Seth saw Hubble in 3D IMAX and had such a profound spiritual experience when he went into the deepest recesses of outer space.
39:58 – Jah sees the Verizon Fios vans rolling through his neighborhood about two blocks from his house, but when he calls them they tell him he isn’t eligible.
41:27 – Nothing was as scary for Seth as when he saw Passion of the Christ on opening day at the Arclight and a guy left a plastic bag under his seat before walking out of the theater and Seth thought he was going to die (Episode 018, 37:46).
48:16 – Jah had a jam band in high school with Tad Taylor – whom he saw on tour after a long time away from him. Seth then references his urban-funk-fusion jam band from college, Mosaic (Episode 105, 46:05).
17:00 – Seth once sat toe-to-toe, eye-to-eye with John Travolta, and Travolta undressed Seth with his eyes. There’s no getting around it. Seth got “Cruised” by John Travolta, which he says is a story for another time.
2:45 – Seth wants a sleep update, and Jah says he got a decent night’s sleep the night before last, a shitty night’s sleep last night, however he did take a nap today. It helped him, although he doesn’t like doing it because it’s very disorienting for him. Seth feels like he’s given up on the day if he takes a nap.
10:15 – Jah asks Seth if girls he’s been intimate with in the past have given him compliments on his tush. Seth admits he’s gotten more compliments from gay men.
19:35 – Jah admits that he cried in The Notebook. It’s one of those movies he looks back on and wonders how he got so duped by it. It was a date movie and he was down with Ryan Gosling being all low-pro.
21:23 – When Seth was having some internet issues he had to go to the John C. Fremont Public Library on Melrose Ave., and he found it pretty creeptastic to see some of the pervs browsing hardcore porn with the volume on full-blast in front of children. When Jah sees students sitting at the club chairs in Borders, he’s pretty sure they’re doing the same thing. He saw a dude with a demon’s foot sitting there once.
59:40 – Seth’s mother said he used to sleepwalk when he was a kid. He would walk all the way down the stairs, come sit on the couch, talk jibberish and then walk back up. Jah remembers waking up in random places and come to while he was already peeing. Seth got a voicemail from a dude whose kid sleepwalks, and sometimes the kid will be standing in the doorway of the parents and it scares the crap out of the dad.
10:03 – Jah asks Seth about something because he had a conversation with two ladies today about remembering a time in his life which these ladies did not have. He remembers the novelty factor of walking into a high-end electronics store, and watching yourself on a live feed from a surveillance camera and thinking it was awesome that you were on TV. Seth says he’s quite convinced that the world didn’t exist until 10 years ago.
21:34 – Everybody does goo-goo and ga-ga talk with babies. Seth sees it all the time on Larchmont and it drives him crazy.
24:31 – Jah had a carry-on bag on his last tour that was 11 pounds over the weight limit, and it cost him $110 on top of his initial $20 to check the bag.
32:12 – Jah reveals what works for him all the time he’s been using them, pretty consistently – regular land-line phones. Seth says that, “If you can see the sky, it should work.”
36:49 – Jah watches people sit at bars, 6 people at a table, and there are two girls having a pseudo-conversation, while one girl is holding her own camera taking a picture of herself drinking her drink coyly, while the other girl is also doing the same thing. He thought other people were supposed to take pictures of you.
45:00 – Jah spoke with a UYD fan in Baltimore when he was on tour who is studying sign language. They talked about trying to get two really good signers to sign an episode or a part of an episode, because there is a shorthand to it. Jah and Seth would love to play UYD for a deaf person. Seth says if he did it, he would hold up the “I Love You” sign the entire time.
48:00 – Seth hasn’t met a person in three years he hasn’t wanted to choke out, but everyone he sees in public inherently runs to dogs. Jah, as a dog owner, disagrees. He has a cute little 18-pound terrier dog, and he deals with people crossing the street steering their babies out of the way. He has to apologize sometimes and wonders why he’s having to do so.
59:08 – Seth wonders why he can drive by Pink’s at 9:30 at night and there’s 700 people in line to buy a hot dog.
5:38 – Jah is going to send his brother to BK to check out their new menu items in Boston. Jah also declares he will be in Boston in May.
6:36 – Jah declares that he kicked it old-school this week. He went to Burger King and got a French fry hamburger, where he ordered a Whopper with no meat and just stuck the fries in the middle for a potato sandwich burger. He says all the hippies he knew used to do it. He used to go to Carl’s Jr. and get a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger with no patty and no bacon, so he just had the BBQ sauce, the cheese and the onion ring, then he would order a large criss-cut fries and carbo load it.
14:38 – Seth went to the Annenberg Space for Photography, an exhibition with National Geographic about water. They had a 5-gallon drum of water, which weighs 42 pounds. Seth couldn’t lift it, then watched a video of an African woman with a rod along her back with a drum on each side, and she walks 5 hours to get the water and then 5 hours back. Seth felt guilty because the free coffee they gave him only gave him $3.50 worth and his drink came to $3.75.
22:07 – Seth did a market research on Sunday for the first time in 2 _ years (Episode 060, 54:26). He got called out of the blue, and he immediately told the girl he was up for it. He was watching the shittiest half-hour comedy pilot he could ever imagine. The people in the room were so low-rent. He kept praying that someone would shout out “Uhh Yeah Dude!” and he wouldn’t get his $70. The host came out and was all chipper. They put out crappy Hydrox cookies, and people flooded the table to eat them. It’s about 26 degrees in the room, and Seth asked the girl next to him why it was so cold. Another guy offers his opinion, “They keep it cold so you won’t fall asleep!” He hears a 60-year-old white dude turn to a 14-year-old black girl and says “Did you have those cookies? Those cookies were delicious!” The people being polled are holding a device in their hand which they can spin the dial two clicks to the left or right for negative or positive. Every time they test it out, there’s one guy who somehow can’t comprehend turning the dial. One guy almost broke the dial because he was trying to turn it the wrong way. There are other people in the room who think their opinions matter and that people are dying to hear what they have to say. Seth reveals the secret he takes advantage of every time. There’s a little red button on the device, and Seth waited 10 seconds after the show started, hit the button and he was allowed to leave and collect his $70 check.
29:15 – Jah had to go to Best Buy tonight to buy a cable he had forgotten to buy. He wasn’t that angry at the price and was quite happy with the guy who took care of him. He had some problems with his card, which got declined. The last thing they hit Jah with before he went into the registers was the candy aisle. He considers getting the Mambas, a sour candy, but bypasses them. As he’s looking at them, he sees a Nerd Rope, which is a rope of bubble gum covered in Nerds candy. He sees the dude behind him riffle around through the candy, and Jah looks back at him. He’s a big dude who is younger than Jah and probably 100 pounds overweight. His shirt is greasy in the front, and he’s holding DVDs in his hand. He grabs 4 Nerds Ropes and his fists are full at this point. Two of the DVDs are the Blu-Ray of Sherlock Holmes and another crazy version of Avatar. Jah looks at him and instantly knows he lives in a crappy apartment in Hollywood, but is spending $100 on movies that he possibly didn’t see in the theater. Jah doesn’t understand why one individual would cough up that much money for what he got.
40:35 – Seth talked to a guy who used to work at a sex shop. He said that guys would steal dildos by sticking them in their ass in the bathrooms and walking out the store with thiem.
50:13 – Jah called his dad after he got off a plane on his most recent trip. He said the plane he was on felt so old inside, all the plastic was yellowed. He was on the row just in front of the exit row, and his seat didn’t recline and his knees were hitting the seat in front of him. Half the carry-ons they didn’t allow on the plane. Jah’s dad explained that a plane can last forever, but J-dawg said they could at least update the insides. He prefers the Virgin Atlantic planes, which are more Euro-planes.
59:08 – Seth admits that the headache he got after seeing Avatar was such a deep, painful, intense headache. Jah got a similar headache going to see Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D.
1:04:32 – Jah thinks that the coolest things that happen to him now only happen when he’s alone.
1:05:50 – Jah interrupts Seth’s description of the website and the merchandise to talk a little bit about the legal troubles that he got into on tour and had to go back this past week to clear it up, which is why the last episode was doubled up. He didn’t feel at liberty talking about it prior to it getting sorted out, but now that it’s done with he explains that there was a big gap with pre-orders on merchandise from the web, and he apologizes about the delay in shipping merch to listeners. Jah then circles back, saying they talk about so much shit on this show, and it unifies the listeners in that they have a sense of the way things could be or ought to be or used to be and aren’t anymore. He said it’s also good to bear in mind to remember the world we’re currently living in, and if we choose to break the rules of the society we’re living in, we have to weigh up how valuable the things we’re doing are versus the consequences. It’s an adolescent lesson to learn, and it’s one he had to learn at that time, but clearly it beared repeating. He said we could still be open-minded and open-thinking people and still adhere to the way things are. Otherwise it might end up like Insane Clown Posse in this world.
2:26 – Jah asks Seth if he has seemed “dark” to him lately. Seth thinks Jah might be cloaking it in front of him so he doesn’t know. Jah hates that he might be coming off as dark, but if he has he wants listeners to let him know.
6:15 – Jah remembers when boxed wine started really showing up at parties. He recalls a lot of weddings having them. Seth had them in droves in his childhood kitchen.
11:25 – Jah reveals that he spent some time recently in a city called San Francisco. He’s been going up to that city periodically throughout his life. He describes it as a triple-decker of a city. The dudes ghost-riding the whip were right next to four dudes shooting up in a doorway right next to the two richest .com guys eating at a restaurant, etc. He also remembered thinking that the place rattles like crazy. Earthquakes are no joke there.
40:20 – Jah recalls that he had teachers that were in their late 20s when he was in high school. He was having sex with women that were the same age as the teachers he was in high school with. But he thinks now that the sexual activity of people has increased so much – people fuck quicker and sooner and more often. Seth just wants to know how much quicker their ejaculate shoots out.
48:44 – Jah reveals that he had an episode happen recently, but he then loses his train of thought.
55:29 – Jah was walking through a mall the other day and walked somewhere else and there were still a billion kiosks around, and he kept thinking they were endangered. He thinks the amount of money it takes to print magazines is going to be impossible to make for big companies in the future.
56:01 – Seth was driving on Vine and was at a red light and saw a store called Video Box. The logo was a cassette tape.
56:53 – Jah walked into a restaurant yesterday. There was a table of seven people with an iPad sitting at the center of the table. Every single person at the table was holding an iPhone. They’re all playing Scrabble on their iPhones, and when they spell the letter out it shows up on the iPad wirelessly via wi-fi.
4:48 – Seth heard a radio ad this week for the Ashley Madison Agency (Episode 102, 53:13) and thought he heard Morgan Freeman’s voice. He sat there for a second outside of the Bank of America at Larchmont trying to pinpoint it, and he realizes it’s probably not Freeman but sounds just like him. He thought you couldn’t trick the public into believing that person was selling the product. Jah remembers when they used a voice similar to Tom Waits’ for a McRib commercial and he won a lawsuit.
24:42 – Jonathan ass-dialed Seth on Sunday about 2 p.m. He was talking a lot. He was talking to some kid about Fender Guitars at one point. The kid is currently in school. Jah was hungry. Seth picked up the phone and was like, “What’s up? What up?” and didn’t hear anything. Seth was being quiet and waited about seven minutes to see if he could hear anything good. He didn’t.
37:42 – Seth likes to improv. He was trained in Chicago, where the competitive improv scene originates. Jah went to The Second City in L.A. and finished the entire first course, then chose not to return.
57:47 – Jah tried to go to bed at a reasonable hour last night, but his crazy brain and crazy diet and having coffee at 7:00 p.m. made him so jacked in bed. He stared at the ceiling knowing he had to get to sleep, and he had to get up 3 times in 3 hours – at no point actually falling asleep during this time. He was driving the following morning and realized he shouldn’t be operating the vehicle. He drove to the wrong place.
1:02:10 – Seth tried watching an episode of House that featured a dude with brain seizures and he had to dip out. He just wants everyone to sleep and be healthy.
1:02:56 – There’s a dude dying downstairs in the apartment below Jah. He’s 90-something years old and has been screaming incessantly for stretches of time. It’s a distraught type of screaming where he has no idea where he is. He had a nurse that quit and has another with him. He still has to travel from time to time. The man is going to die in that apartment, and coupled with Jah’s inability to sleep, it’s the worst panic attack ever hearing the dude screaming in the dark.
2:24 – Jah needs to apologize, because from the moment Seth told him to see Hubble in 3D (Episode 209, 46:33), everything Jah did before that was basically a false reality he was living. He needs to thank Seth for allowing him the opportunity to set that straight. Jah loved it.
11:48 – Jah remembers trying to rent some sort of risqué movie at Blockbuster when he was a kid and getting called out for it.
14:34 – Seth quit Rocket Video on 9/11 because he had things to deal with in his country. He thought the place was going to fold in four months but they’re still open somehow. This was shortly after he met Jonathan while working there (Episode 010, 39:38). Seth admits he still goes to the Blockbuster on Larchmont all the time because he loves to walk the aisles.
20:07 – Seth saw Scott Wieland at a Whole Foods in Sherman Oaks once, just stood next to him and nodded. He was getting some kefir for his awesome body.
21:22 – Jah knew some people in his life who got into Starbucks stock when it was starting off. Seth reveals that Jah had some stocks with Macintosh back in the day, but sold them before they got really hot.
28:41 – Seth talked about the market research he went to where he watched the worst sitcom he had ever seen (Episode 215, 22:07), then discovered this week that Keep Hope Alive had been picked up by Fox. It’s from Greg Garcia, who brought us My Name Is Earl.
39:27 – Jah wonders if Seth ever did anything crazy because a girl was getting him to do it. Jah doesn’t think he ever did it either. He never stole a car.
1:36 – Jah asks Seth if he ever wore a watch. Seth thinks maybe he wore one in eighth grade when he wore cologne, and he had a wallet and read GQ magazine. Jah had a lot of Swatches and Tag Heuers when he was growing up. He sported Drakkar Noir as well.
11:03 – Dimitri got visited by a sex worker this week. Jah says D was not polite to the worker, who arrived late on a Sunday when he was still sleeping. His front door is jammed so he can’t open it and it’s locked close. He had a screaming argument with the census worker and didn’t understand what he was saying. He said he banged on the door like he was police. The guy asked when he came back, and D said “any weekday after 7 p.m.” Tonight, while coming home, it was 8 p.m. and Jah could see 4 of the workers out doing their jobs.
22:27 – Jah went to the IMAX to see Hubble again and was just in disbelief at all the fat kids he saw there.
23:51 – Jah talks about how there’s a topic in the forums about him allegedly cutting a fart in the middle of an episode (Episode 215, 1:03:33). Seth says it would never happen because he would put the microphone down and walk right out of the room, if not put the apartment up for lease.
25:59 – Summer is here, essentially. Seth has seen a lot of short shorts out there this week on girls. Jah explains that the short short has taken on a whole other level for men this year, where the dress short is allowed to be mid-thigh.
27:22 – Seth saw a young tan woman running with a bikini bottom on, and it was weird because it was out of context, being not at a pool. This was on 3rd Street.
32:33 – When Seth got his driver’s license when he was 16 ½, the instructor told him, “When you’re on the road, by the very nature of driving, you are inherently trusting every other single person on the road that they’re not going to just drive into you.” Seth thinks about that all the time when he’s out driving and it freaks him out.
35:11 – Jah wonders what type of death threat Seth thinks about more often than anything else throughout the day. Seth says he’s afraid of just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, like the poor broad at Target that got stabbed by another crazy bitch at the makeup counter.
36:20 – Jah was telling his girlfriend about something they talked about on the show a long time ago, about someone wielding a sword in a parking lot (Episode 014, 27:53; Episode 055, 15:23; Episode 143, 30:56) and she looked it up and found dozens of news stories about sword-wielding wackos. Seth: “People love to take swords out. People love to fuckin’ swordfight.” (Episode 119, 46:38)
48:24 – Jah heard a story from a UYD listener recently, who is a high net worth listener. When he was running late for a flight he used to just pull the car up and leave it at curbside check-in rather than park it. They would tow his car, and he would come back and get it out of tow and it was the same amount of money either way.
4:05 – Seth says LA doesn’t have Chick-fil-A, but he looked it up and saw there was one in Torrance or Redondo. Jah saw them everywhere when he was on tour and realized LA was just about the only place that didn’t have them.
25:38 – Before they did the show tonight, Jonathan looked at Seth with a shocked look on his face and said “Episode 220?!!!” For some reason it didn’t make sense to him when he read it.
42:35 – Jah remembers seeing a lot of men’s high-heeled shoes, or Cuban Heels in his childhood. He said it was different from a Beatle Boot.
51:29 – Jah reveals that he saw Orphan. Seth says it had the all-time greatest scene ever in a movie when the girl goes to jerk off Sarsgaard under the sheets. Seth then describes the scene in detail. Seth wishes that the trailer for the movie would’ve just been Timothy Olyphant telling him that the movie was awesome and he would’ve seen it.
57:56 – Seth has been getting voicemails in reference to UYD’s $25 reward that was given out to a random voicemail caller in honor of the show’s 25th episode (Episode 024, 39:12; Episode 025, 0:50). People are trying to get $25 off Seth and wondering if it’s still on, even though the original contest was won by New York City listener George. Jah had mailed George a check that bounced and it cost him money. George is the only person who’s ever paid for UYD. Seth predicts that by now, with interest, they owe George $130.
7:59 – Seth and a friend were driving up Fairfax the other day and looked up at the sign that showed Aziz Ansari hosting the American Movie Awards and said, “Well, there goes his career.” Every other person that’s hosted it has seen their career fade away quickly.
19:46 – Jah was talking to his mom, who was telling him about 3 husbands being interviewed on Sirius Playboy radio who have sex with their wives while being fucked in the ass by another man. His mom talked about hearing the guys saying they’re not gay at all, they just had the best orgasm ever, and she said she screamed at the top of her lungs, “That’s because you’re gay!”
29:38 – Jonathan could’ve sworn he saw Paul Wall in a Navigator this week. He rubbernecked and pulled up and it was some 22-year-old dude.
56:12 – Jah saw a guy who looked so much like Shaq on the boardwalk the other day. He had to get right up to him before he realized it wasn’t him. Jah was on his bike and was 100% positive it was him. Seth thinks he should’ve biked up to him and loudly said, “I GET THAT A LOT.”
5:10 – Jah bought so many records back at the turn of the century. He was at a record store almost every day. He would go to the Virgin Megastore and Penny Lane whenever he got the chance. He remembers the longboy packaging albums had that they made so you couldn’t stick them in your pocket and walk out of the store with them.
8:35 – A couple days ago Jah came home from rehearsing with Amir. They were scheduled to play on the radio the next day and he was very nervous about it. He came home kind of late, opened his door and his dog darted out and ran down the stairs. A strong smell hit him when he walked in the apartment. He starts walking around and it comes to him – it smells like burnt plastic. He looks up and sees a mass of boiled black plastic on his kitchen counter in a metal casing. It’s his toaster, which had set on fire, and the entire cupboard it was sitting underneath was completely consumed in black ash, which is also over every corner of his ceiling in the room. He realizes that right before he had left for rehearsal, he was starving and packing up all his gear. He put two slices of cinnamon raisin toast in the toaster, forgot they were there and walked out. The toaster is a novelty Japanese toaster he was given when he was with his wife. It had a contraption on it where two arms came up to launch the toast up, but they never went so the thing just stayed on and the whole outside of it ignited. It had burned through the bottom shelf of the cupboard and was just starting to boil the paint on it. He then realizes his dog was in the apartment the whole time with no windows open and the door shut. It was the most horrifying experience of his life to realize what had nearly happened. There’s now a permanent stench in his apartment.
3:31 – Seth and Jah have known each other for a very long time, however they are constantly learning new things that they have in common all the time. Today they discovered they have a common infatuation with the movie poster for Cobra starting Sylvester Stallone.
16:10 – The way that Jonathan found out about UYD’s PARADE plug is he received a text about it but he didn’t quite understand it. He walked into therapy with his psychiatrist, who he has been seeing for almost 5 years. This was the first clipping that he ever showed Jonathan and said, “Hey, I saw this…”
29:00 – Seth was at the Paley Center last week – formerly the Museum of Television and Radio. They basically have every television show that’s ever been on TV in the archives. Seth went to watch The Comedian with Mickey Rooney. They punch it up, bring you over to a little monitor and put headphones on you. Seth saw this week that the Paley Center had a television special on, which he thought might be for him. It was The 30 Biggest Surprises in TV History on CBS. The #2 biggest surprise in the history of television was at the end of Season 2 on NCIS when Agent Todd saved Gibb’s life by jumping in front of the bullet. You thought she was dead but was actually alive because she had a bullet-proof vest on, but then when she stood up she got hit by a sniper from across the street and actually died.
31:36 – Jonathan and Seth just spent 90 minutes watching the NewNowNext Awards on Logo, in which they were talking about 2010 as if it was a year-in-review.
52:32 – A caller left a voicemail this week mentioning an episode he was listening to where Jah was talking about his crew, the RFK (Randies From Kansas), and was wondering if he could elaborate on that. Jah explains that he had some good friends in high school who would probably still to this day consider themselves RFK. They were all jokey kids and Jah thinks everyone got the humor of it.
20:15 – Jah loves fireworks but he has a heartbreak relationship with them because he’s been a dog owner for many years, and they are terrified of fireworks because they think the world’s ending – probably because they’re here the last time the world ended. Jah says this is because they carry primitive knowledge.
22:50 – Jah says the craziest time he had with fireworks was when he was in Louisiana. They bought so many fireworks and lit the sky up. Jah’s dad’s cousin was a firefighter and everyone was shit drunk when Jah and his father launched fireworks out of huge tubes.
32:09 – It wasn’t until Ferrigno labeled Jonathan a “Junior Hulk” (Episode 151, 32:41) that he would be so bold as to refer to himself that way.
38:57 – Seth recalls An American Family on PBS in the 1970s being the first-ever reality show based on the Loud family. When he worked at Rocket Video he remembers the guy from the show, Lance Loud, coming into the video store. Loud was a gay magazine columnist and new wave rock-n-roll performer who died of AIDS in 2001.
44:37 – Jah wonders if he should go back to school like Rodney Dangerfield. Seth thinks it’s brilliant – Jah needs to enroll at UCLA. He says he feels wicked dumb lately and it’s bothering him in a way that’s never bothered him before. He dreaded it happening it in his 20s. He would love to get old enough to not care about his life enough to endure going to school.
49:27 – Jah said he had no sexually charged relationships with teachers much less nurses. He didn’t even have any cute nurses that he can remember. Seth thinks you could probably find a high school where there’s a 26-year-old nurse. Jah says that even if his teacher had tits and was remotely feminine, he couldn’t pay attention to anything in class from age 10 until he got out of high school.
52:34 – Jah prefaces this by saying it is going to sound terrible. He watched a high school couple touching each other, and the way they were doing it was so adult. The dude was so comfortable putting his thumb in her mouth at 16 years old. He was as tall as J-dawg and dressed better than he was, just laughing it up. Jah was engaged with girls he was with at that age but he was still awkward – he didn’t notice the awkwardness from this young man, however. Jah thinks there’s just as much good potential for the young generation as there is bad – Seth disagrees.
57:13 – Jah references Ed Debevic’s restaurants, where the staff and customers are mutually rude to one another. Jah had a friend who was a waiter there and he got fired for berating a kid too hard – he called him a “pissant.”
1:02:58 – Jah blames Blockbuster’s upcoming demise to their editing the jerk-off scene out of Bad Lieutenant. He rented a copy of it from the Blockbuster in Malibu when he was 14 years old specifically to see that. He was obsessed with Harvey Keitel when he was a teenager because he loved him so much in The Piano.
1:08:15 – Jah is getting a new kitchen and a new bathroom out of his fire situation (Episode 222, 8:35).
6:00 – Ever since Jah was in grade school all he ever heard about was how Arizona didn’t celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. and shot people at the border.
9:13 – Jonathan saw Tyson Chandler twice this week, and noted he was tall and dressed sharp. Seth recalls that he saw Tyson Chandler play a high school basketball game in Compton.
11:33 – Jah’s friends love their meat. Seth notes that “Killers need meat,” as his father told him. He wrote it to Seth in a letter when Seth moved out to Los Angeles 15 years ago, as a post script to questions about how he was doing and how his mood was.
15:47 – James Franco’s “performance art” reminded him of Takashi Murakami, a famous artist who did all the Kanye record covers. He had a show at the Museum of Contemporary Art last year or the year before which Seth went to, which was interesting. They had a Louis Vuitton store in the gallery which you could go into. There were women in there buying $2,000 Mark Jacobs and Murakami bags in the museum. Mark Jacobs said, “The purchasing of the products is an art form because what’s being sold is an art form, and then I guess watching that transaction would qualify as some kind of performance art.” So when Seth was there watching super-rich women buy these purses, he was partaking in his own form of performance art. He is a performance artist.
20:17 – Jah has always felt that Abercrombie and Fitch ads feel a little gay to him. He assumes that more dudes buy Abercrombie than girls. The last time he was in the store he got double dudes spraying him with perfume. Jah recalls walking in and them saying “Have a good time in there.” (Episode 114, 48:35) The next time he walked to the front of one of the stores, the two dudes were there but were replaced by hotter, abbed-out shirtless guys. He looked at them at the time but they were having some weird eye contact with each other that denoted to Jah that they had come up with this idea on their own.
27:40 – Seth had a short spell where he was in a public library where people around him were browsing porn, and even the people who weren’t looking at pornography were a certain breed of people – headphones on with the music too loud (Episode 213, 21:23). Jah suggests that libraries just provide a jerkoff station for homeless people.
35:38 – Jah asks Seth if he’s been to a Big K lately because they feel crazy to him, like Children of Men style with so much shit piled up in there. Seth feels that way in supermarkets, where there’s dozens of aisles he would never dare walk through. Jah has been going to the 99 cents store more lately because it’s cheap to buy allen wrenches and stuff, but every time he goes to check out he looks over and sees the sad state of the produce and food section and sees people shopping for food there. It doesn’t seem instinctually like a place where, if he was starving, he would go to get food.
46:55 – Jah watched a father and son, aka meth dad and son couple living in apartment together. The son was 26 and looked like Harry Dean Stanton and were talking such crazy shit and had such crazy shit in their shopping cart. Their mouths were so rocked-out and they were so high and talking so much and so crazy that they were changing the whole environment of an entire supermarket.
54:27 – Jah saw a girl in the shopping mall the other day who was walking with her mom and she had 2-inch plugs in her ears, she was super tiny and had enormous cans with a tiny top on. Jah was really taken by the fact that seeing a 22-year-old girl dressed this way when he was 18 would have made him godsmacked. Now he realizes he walks by girls dressed like this all the time, and they drink so much, they fuck so much, they do so many drugs.
4:33 – Jah huffed nitris in a house that Charles Manson used to live in when he was 16 years old and he split his head open after passing out and hitting his head on a boulder. The house was off of Sunset
6:07 – When Seth was at the Reggae Fest in Vermont, his friend Todd Trefree fell into a campfire after sitting around and huffing nitris. He was a big dude and took a full header into it. Jah admits that nitris is super dangerous and all it does is cut oxygen off to the brain and kill brain cells. He then says it’s like “gassy watermelon.”
8:50 – Seth calls out Jah for ordering a pay-per-view UFC fight. Jah admits he watched Brock Lesnar get his face mashed up by Shane Carwin before eventually winning. And Jah watched Fedor lose his fight the week before. And Jah watches UFC now because his life is “a fuckin’ joke.” He has no TV, no internet and somehow has still seen every major lineup in the last six months.
9:17 – Jah drank a Four Loko this weekend – two maybe (Episode 225, 4:20). In the last three nights he told Seth he drank 5 beers to fall asleep.
9:59 – Jah’s typical experience in a rental car business is that nothing gets done. Their offices are set up for 60 people and there are 2 ½ people working there. One of them is full ensconced in a major debacle somewhere. So there’s only one person available to you and the half-person is worthless.
11:17 – Seth is scared because he’s going to be driving a rental car this weekend. The Plymouth Sundance he owns was rigorously inspected by several different top-notch internationally-renowned technicians before he purchased it to allow for optimum safety. Now he is throwing caution to the wind and getting into a car that he does not know the specs on. Jah says the mistake in putting your life in the hands of the person who is behind that counter. Seth explains the reason he’s renting the car is because he and Jonathan are going up north this weekend for a wedding of their friends Leah and Eric. They will be involved intimately in that ceremony. Seth said they’re going up to the Emerald Triangle “to see where it all starts.”
39:05 – Seth saw a hipster walking around with Real-D glasses where he took the lenses out and was walking with just the frames. Jah thinks even a hipster would be offended by that being associated with a hipster. Jah says this is something you do when you first start smoking weed in eighth grade. Seth says it might be acceptable if you were a kid on a field trip to see Hubble and you’re the only smartest kid to slip the glasses into your pocket. This was a 30-year-old Japanese dude. Jah then gives him a pass because Asians can kick crazy flavor for some reason and then get away with murder. But Seth says this guy’s full rigout was not doing it – flip flops with the tightest denim cut-off shorts. Jah can only imagine how short the short shorts are in New York City right now when it’s 108 degrees.
44:31 – Jah admits he saw Up though and it made him cry. He would take a kid to see that movie. Seth thinks Jah is referring to the Up Series documentaries that follow lives of 14 British children since they were 7 years old in 1964.
55:04 – Jah remembers the ordinance passing through Mayor Tom Bradley disallowing Krishnas from panhandling at LAX. They used to come out so deep and showed up in movies about LAX. Seth doesn’t know anyone who has become a Hare Krishna, but Jah remembers his mom used to take him to the Krishna Temple when he was a kid to eat because the food was mad good.
1:49 – Seth tried very hard to get Jackée Harry on the show. He reached out to the Metropolitan Talent Agency and spoke to a nice assistant of the agent that represents Jackée. She’s very busy right now, a star of the stage and screen, but Seth says that she could still be in the future of the lives of UYD. He has a feeling this isn’t over yet.
5:08 – The reason that Jah knows about enlarged clitorises from steroid-enhanced females is because he knows about “Penis at 12” syndrome (Episode 068, 10:31). He explains that this is because females at puberty overdevelop their male hormones and their clitorises begin to swell and grow larger and become small penises. The same kind of thing occurs when bodybuilders are on steroids, killing estrogen production and upping testosterone production.
24:19 – Sports memorabilia gives Jonathan a panic attack. He has a signed Mickey Mantle baseball, bought by his father outside of Fenway Park after coming out of a game there during the filming of Second Sight with Bronson Pinchot. Jah says you can’t walk into a memorabilia shop without wanting to shit yourself.
25:30 – Jah thought about something that he hadn’t thought about in a very long time. He remembers his dad doing a few scenes from a shooting script based on a live-action version of Gary Larson’s The Far Side in the late 1980s. They erected a fake foam set and the idea was for it to be a vignetted version of The Far Side. He remembers his dad in a giant foam safari hat and safari clothes with a bazooka gun. He also remembers a kitchen set up with a kitchen made out of foam.
34:34 – Seth asks if Jah remembers when girls wore chokers. Jah responds with, “Do you remember when mes wores chokers?” He had a hemp choker with fimo beads (Episode 060, 25:24) in 11th or 12th grade that he used to rock. He also had several Ethiopian orthodox crosses that he would wear in his rasta days (Episode 014, 39:56). Jah then asks Seth about rocking bolo ties, which he says he never did even though he likes to rock a western theme from time to time.
35:56 – Jah reveals that Charlotte, N.C., is a particularly special town for him because he was arrested there (Episode 215, 1:05:50).
47:10 – Seth got a voicemail from a listener in Chicago who said everyone in the office got a company-wide e-mail from the Chicago Police Department and Chicago Fire Department. They wanted everyone to know that Transformers 3 was going to be filming in town but they wanted them to know there would be street closures. They also informed them that you would not be able to see any of the actual Transformers during production because they are digital creations.
1:00:27 – Jah explains that the deal with his $5 bill that he thought was counterfeit: the paper felt funny, the red and blue linty yarn in the stock seemed few and far between and looked as if it had been printed on there rather than woven into the surface.
1:01:07 – Jah said there was a great story about counterfeiting coins that the guy who wrote A Christmas Story told. Jah’s friend John played the story of him making fake nickels as a kid, when he and his friends ruled the universe with them.
2:03 – Don’t mind Seth, he’s just wearing a laminate. He took a Universal Studios tour of King Kong 3D. He was there an hour before the park opened and there were already 500 people there from foreign countries. He had a Coke can to save $15 but was still flabbergasted. King Kong 3D is totally crazy because it’s 3D and it’s 360 and it’s totally crazy, but it’s only three minutes long. Seth said at one point they were showing an old and rickety bridge which is really brand new, and then they show a clip from Quantum Leap from 1985. They show a log cabin which is really a façade of a log cabin, and they show a clip from The Great Outdoors with Rick Moranis and John Candy standing in front of this cabin. Then they show the Psycho house with an actor portraying Norman Bates walking toward the tram with a knife. There were so many people there at 9 a.m. that they had to let a few hundred people in because the clusterfuck at the ticket booth was so out of control. Seth says he doesn’t know how much he spent there – it might have been $400. He was inside the park walking ahead and they had to whistle him back to let him know the park wasn’t open yet. He had a full panic attack from the Aussies who were next to him. He was overwhelmed by 100 kids wearing orange Glendale summer camp t-shirts. He observes that kids point at stuff, scream and run at it. There was a 73-foot Whoopi Goldberg there too. Everything got Seth soaking wet, like pterodactyls hissing in his face. Seth finished his 45-minute tour, walked right by couples asking him to take their picture, took a piss, walked right back down and jumped on it again.
13:26 – Jah gets grifted at gas stations (Episode 051, 20:09), but Seth gets grifted at Universal Studios
25:02 – Jah says this weekend they were talking about indians. His friend Eric was talking about getting in trouble for talking to a Native American and saying “Native American” and the guy corrected him and said, “Native.”
38:33 – Jah went to a weird collection of comedic poetry reading in the back of an actress’ house in the valley a few years ago (maybe 2006, Jah guesses) with crew that featured Kevin Nealon. There were a lot of people there. Paul F. Tompkins was there, who Jah likes. Amber Tamblyn was there doing slam poetry. Nealon got up there and just did his shitty bits that he’s been doing forever. Jah felt it was inappropriate despite how wildly inappropriate and shitty the evening was. At the time Jah was miffed because he thought he had mad funny Jah!nathans Poetry, and he remembers not having the balls to do it – even though he was invited and was welcome to do it if he wanted. Jah says that Amber Tamblyn was by far the worst of all the presenters, and the fact that she was completely earnest made it all the more painful.
43:15 – Seth talks about a celebrity who came mad correct when he was at the San Francisco Airport on Sunday night. He was so hungry and didn’t know where to eat in the airport. He found a Mexican place and decided to try it. He was standing in line checking out the menu and he felt something. If a celebrity is around him, his heart, soul and spirit are drawn to them. He looks over his left-hand shoulder and sees Marilu Henner. He knows she is a crazy health fitness vegan buff. He walks over to her and asks, “Miss Henner, what do you eat in this airport?” She lights up because she sees someone in distress. She says, “The San Francisco Soup Company – they have a vegan split pea soup that is so delicious there. Not salty, like the Whole Foods, you know what I mean?” Seth knows exactly what she means and says, “I was gonna get rice and beans here.” Her husband Michael lights up, and says he was going to do that too. Seth walks over and has the awesome bowl of soup, walks onto the plane and sees Marilu and Michael sitting in first class. He lets her know he dabbles in the comedy/mystic arts and lets her know he will thank her appropriately. Seth plugs her one-woman show at the Hotel Nikko in San Francisco. She’ll be performing the weekend of Jonathan’s birthday. Her latest book is “Wear Your Life Well: Use What You Have to Get What You Want.” Seth then reveals that she and her husband went to college 35 years ago and he used to bone down on Marilu’s best friend/roommate. In life some things come full circle.
47:23 – There was a UYD voicemail this week from a guy who works at a nonprofit law firm in Brooklyn and said a woman named her kid “Psychological Warfare.” Jah thinks that’s a completely dope name.
48:42 – Jah references the fact that they talked about counterfeit bills last week (Episode 227, 58:51). This week he got hit up by a text on his cell phone by somebody who said they had been sentenced to time in prison for making personal bills. The punishment for counterfeiting is the same for a $1 bill and a $100 bill so long as they do not exceed 5,000 bills. The guy was just making personal cash and got busted for that. Jah discovered that the markers work on all bills, but if you rub wax paper on the bills the markers don’t work. $5 bills can be washed and reprinted for whatever reason. Jah wrote “Fuck Off” in the text message back to the person who told him about this, and he thinks the sender accidentally thought Jah was saying “Fuck off, crook” instead of “Fuck off, that’s crazy!”
51:37 – Jah reveals that he was in a movie of the week called One Special Victory, which was loosely based on the person who started the first Special Olympics. Jah thinks that because of this he’s allowed to use the word “retard” on the podcast. Seth asks what the set was like on the film, Jah asks him to be more specific because he was in several scenes. He reveals that Joe Pantoliano was in the film, playing a “re.” (The conversation then transitions to Joe Regalbuto, who was Amir’s childhood AYSO coach.) Jah’s father played the guy who started the Special Olympics. Jah was surprised that people didn’t know about this movie of the week. It wasn’t his screen debut, however – SNL was (Episode 067, 19:53). Jah believes he was wearing a polo rugby shirt in that scene. He wasn’t wearing makeup and had two extras as parents. He remembers them talking to him because his dad was hosting. It was the worst small talk. He got a check for about $589 for his appearance.
57:20 – Jah wonders if the crazy celebrity relationship pairings were as lame back when he was growing up as they are now.
1:00:36 – Seth references seeing Kari Wuhrer in the Starbucks (Episode 165, 34:35).
2:25 – J-dawg asks if Seth thinks it’s funny that most people that listen to this show don’t know that he is beardless. He has had a beard for eight years and just shaved it. When Seth saw Jah for the first time without his beard, it was so disorienting that his heart rate went up, as well as his blood pressure and body temperature. Within a moment Seth knew it was Jah because he looked him dead in the eye, but if he couldn’t look him dead in the eye, he might have not recognized him.
6:14 – When Paula Abdul and Emilio Estevez were together, Jah remembers meeting them at a sushi restaurant in Malibu. He was probably about 10 years old and was with his folks. Emilio and John said hello and J-dawg was smitten. She was little and cute and J-dawg remembers the two of them being dead in love at that point. Seth thinks they could still come full circle and get together again.
13:18 – When Seth was at Haverhill High School in Haverhill, Mass., the class of 1991, he started his first class at 7:22 a.m. Jah thinks it should just be 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. That way you have two hours to get to school by 9 a.m. and if you go to bed at 1 a.m. you’ve got plenty of sleep ahead of you. Seth thinks we should abolish school and knowledge will just come from word of mouth. Seth says half the stuff he hears during the course of the day is absolutely wrong – he could look it up and print it out but he just knows it from his knowledge. His mother had some sort of saying that went “Believe none of what you hear and half of what you read.” Seth says “Believe none of what you hear and don’t read.” Seth knows that Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin, and that’s all he needed to know throughout his schooling.
26:06 – Seth went to find Pepsi Max at his supermarket and it wasn’t there. He left and came back the next night and still couldn’t find it. He screamed at a customer service representative, who then called over a kid who found it for him. They still have it but they mixed their logo up, preventing Seth from having it for a night.
34:51 – Jah went to a rave last weekend in San Bernadino with 30,000 other people. His good friends Daedelus and Nosaj Thing played. He walked out on to the floor when Daedelus was playing, and as he walked out everyone was eating ridiculous amounts of ecstacy and he started slipping on the thousands of water bottles that were on the floor three deep. He found it ironic that everyone was shirtless and sweaty and loving each other and dancing and drinking water – yet not conscious of the ridiculous amount of waste they were creating.
37:49 – Seth got a voicemail from a guy who lives in New Mexico, who was trying to establish an intimate relationship with a Native American. He said the reason we don’t know anything about Native American cultures is they’re super top-secret about things.
40:48 – When Seth went to King Kong 3D (Episode 228, 2:03), they fingerprinted Seth. He had to slide his finger into the crazy machine. Seth didn’t know what happened; they might’ve even taken a blood test.
50:31 – Jah says he’s never had the guts to go see Ground Zero, even when he was in New York City. He never actually got through the area. Seth said it was crazy, because it’s a humongous deep hole in the ground. It was October of 2009 and that shit happened in September of 2001. He wanted to scream out to these dudes, “What are you doing??!” Jah asks what happened to those crazy beams of light that were shooting up from the site because he thought they were fresh.
1:03:29 – Seth goes to Starbucks at the exact same time every single day and orders a small black coffee. There’s the same four girls who work there, and he thinks at this point he’s earned the fact that he can place two $1 bills on the counter, they will see him and make his drink and slide him over two quarters. He went in there today and it was the same four girls he sees every day. He didn’t say anything and put the two $1 bills down. The girl sees him and makes him a large coffee, which comes to $2.10 and she waits for him to hand her a dime.
1:04:20 – Jah talks about his Starbucks. He walks up every day with his dog. He ties him up, they see him tying him up, and by the time he gets in there the drink is already waiting for him on the bar to pick up. It’s heaven for Jah. One of his baristas today said, “It’s my last week.”
1:04:59 – When Jah and Seth went up to Mendocino, Seth missed the Los Angeles Times on Saturday and Sunday so he had three different people pick it up for him. He didn’t even ask any of them and went to read it at the library on Monday, after calling and putting his name in the day before he left for the trip. It was so easy to get them, and he took a mini pencil and a piece of scrap paper, asked for the Times, handed her the slip, and she walked him over to make copies. That was heaven for him.
1:11:11 – Jah references the rave again. He says it was a crazy rave. He went to a lot of raves when he was a teenager. There were some scantily clad people there. What happens now he would constitute as “an underage drug sex party.” He says the regular garb was underwear, bras, furry boots and nothing else. It was Victoria’s Secret underwear where you could kind of see their little furry bushes.
3:30 – After much speculation and a lot of research, it has come to light that Jonathan’s great-great grandmother on his father’s side was half-black. Jah’s mother has been doing some geneaological research on this. The only thing they need to know is that Jah’s part black. Apparently in the same generation of that family, another relative was full-blooded Mexican (basically full-blooded Native American). Her son had to go to court because she was registered as a teenager as mulatto and then as a 50-year-old woman as white with white children and a white husband, but her son—in order to marry the woman he wanted to marry—had to go to court to prove he was white because it would’ve been illegal to marry the woman if he were black. Seth and Jah pound it.
8:24 – Seth refers back to Jah’s black news, and says he’s never been more happy than right now.
8:42 – Seth grew up in the northeast in Massachusetts, but when he drove cross-country to move out to his spiritual birthplace of Hollywood, he got in touch with the Chatahoochie (Episode 033, 29:01).
19:35 – Jah went and looked at a house quite some time ago off Hollywood above the Chinese Theater near a tiny park. There was a little yellow house to the side of it and they were looking into renting it, and the real estate agent told Jah that a woman was stabbed to death in the home. Immediately Jah wanted to know where it happened because he had gotten weird vibes walking through there. When he showed him, Jah said “I knew it!” As they walked out of the house, the creepy neighbor guy from across the state waddles over and asked “Are you guys thinking about getting this place? Did he tell you…?” Jah confirmed, and the guy said, “Just so you know, I do a lot of work, so if you need to clear the place out, I was around when it happened and I would be happy…” Jah says that if they weren’t turned off enough by the murder, this creepo guy put the icing on the cake. Jah’s friend bought a house and then found out that a person had hung himself in the shower.
26:28 – When Seth went to see a Pictures of the Year show at the Annenberg Photography Space, he saw a photograph from NASA that made the Hubble look like a black and white 3-channel TV.
27:22 – Seth saw Inception the first time when it was called Hubble. Jah says that Seth was the only person he knows that was down with Inception, whereas most people he knows were wildly upset about it.
39:28 – Jah remembers his mom looking at his brother one day when he was 2 years old and she noticed a black mark on Ben’s finger, and she assumed it was leukemia. It was just magic marker.
52:17 – Jah had a friend who was being stalked when he was in high school. She was being stalked by a guy she had met at his place of work and never went out with him or anything. It was old-timey, pre-internet, and he would just follow her car and show up in a parking structure she was in or something.
57:47 – Seth says “Poor Tony” in reference to his show getting canceled after two episodes. Jah says he’s the richest guy in the world. Jah went to a wedding at the house next door to his in San Diego and he responded with “Oh My God! This house is crazy!”
1:00:55 – Jah was at a gas station, and a brand-new black Ferrari pulls up next to him with black California license plates. He waited for the dude to come out and he was from the Ferrari shop. He told him the black plate was no joke and the guy responded that it was a custom order. Jah told him a story that his understanding was guys used to go to pick-your-part and places where they have junk cars, yank the black plates off of them, then register a new car, get a customized license plate with the old black plate number and then put the black plates on because when they pulled it up it would still pull up the same car with replaced black plates. Seth explains that if you have a vintage car in Los Angeles, the stock license plates on them are stock black with yellow letters. The old 1977 Chevy Cheyenne that Seth had had the old L.A. Law sunset license plates on it, until some hooligan in his neighborhood snapped off the plates to scrape the sticker off and pay their registration (Episode 061, 54:51).
1:03:37 – Seth had to put a padlock over his hood because 3 times in a row the battery was stolen from his truck when he was living in one of the worst neighborhoods in Los Angeles – Rampart. He moved there in October of 1998 and the scandal broke in January of 1999. On the front page of the Los Angeles Times the broke a story about corruption in this CRASH Unit of the Rampart Police Station that was a gang unit that was made up of actual L.A. gang members. The TV show The Shield was based on this unit. In the movie The Car Wash that car wash was at 6th and Rampart in L.A.
1:11:49 – Seth got hundreds of people to call the show claiming they had top-secret clearance, per his request from last week
4:55 – Seth used to work with a guy at the video store who had never seen Titanic – Ryan Langerude (Episode 019, 55:25). It came out during a conversation with his mother that Jonathan has never seen Easy Rider. Jah says he tried to watch it on Laserdisc once when he was a kid and fell asleep. Seth has never seen The Net.
5:52 – The first movies Seth saw in Los Angeles—in Santa Monica, actually—was a double feature featuring Twins and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
7:00 – When Seth first came out to L.A. and had dreams, he went to a TCBY to get some fro-yo (Episode 039, 33:17), he saw the palm trees in Santa Monica as a sophomore in high school. He was wearing an OP rigout getting his picture taken by a lifeguard tower and he remembers thinking, “Santa Monica’s so pretty. I wonder if I’ll ever be back?”
11:20 – Seth sent a card to Ms. Lohan at the Lynnwood Jail on behalf of Uhh Yeah Dude. Seth says it was a beautiful card and he wonders if she ever saw it. He let her know they were thinking of her.
12:50 – Seth reminds us that the Pittsburgh Steelers were illegally given the game during Super Bowl XL (Episode 001, 7:35). He wrote a manifesto proving that it was a sham and thought he would have to wait 50 years until the official admitted Seth was correct on his death bed. The guy came out this week and said he has sleepless nights as a result of his blown calls in that game. Seth has sent a copy of the original manifesto with the updated paperwork to the Park Avenue offices of the NFL officials and he also put a UYD sticker in there to let them know it was from them.
22:47 – Jah asks Seth how old he was when he had pubes. Seth doesn’t remember. Seth just remembers being at the beach when he was a kid and asking his father when he would get hair on his armpits. His dad looked like he had a watch on and said, “1:30.” J-dawg remembers vividly the first time cum came out of his dick. Jah was bashing it on an ottoman and discharged all over it, which posed a problem. He was ecstatic, but he can’t remember how old he was – maybe 11 or 12. Jah never had a wet dream in his whole life
17:38 – Jah has been doing a couple of jaunts lately – a couple shows up north and down south – and reveals it is so hard to walk into a convenience store and buy something healthy or even fulfilling. He almost didn’t buy a banana that Amir asked him to get because the consistency of it was so disgusting. Jah reveals that the beef jerky kiosks are so gigantic. What Jah doesn’t mind eating are cream cheese jalapeño taquitos from 7-11. Seth wants to puke after hearing this.
27:20 – Jah circles back to the fact that he’s a full-bore meat eater (Episode 171, 43:07). He ate at an In-N-Out in San Diego yesterday and ate a hamburger. Jah is monitoring what is happening with his body and psychological state, and is convinced that the way we as a people consume food is absolutely crazy. There’s a frenzy to it, a mob mentality where people gather in large groups and shove it down their throats. Jah says there’s no doubt that he functions better now by putting protein from the meat in his body, but he’s still puzzled by eating.
31:07 – Jah has been in a few planes where there was severe turbulence or pocket drops, where you get the feeling of the weight regaining its equilibrium and the pure physics of it start to come apart at the seams.
39:43 – JB Smoove aka “Leon” from Curb Your Enthusiasm was outside of the place where Jah was eating the other day. He pulled up in a super-dope Dodge Charger. As Jah walked down the street and saw him, he thought to himself, “That motherfucker better have gotten a personalized license plate that said JACKLIT,” and it wasn’t there. Jah walked straight up to him and just bitched out. JB Smoove was with a few other people and Jah just couldn’t do it.
51:55 – Jah has been listening to music for a very long time. He listens very loud and has been to many live shows. He predicts that at this age he’s probably suffering from some high frequency hearing depletion, but he means that in the highest possible frequencies – 12,000 kHz and above. He thinks that there is a hearing fatigue if the volume of something is too loud and that reports of hearing loss are widely overblown.
3:36 – Seth asks if he ever ate Pop-Tarts. Marcia thinks he did, but not a whole lot. She was a working mom and it was easy. She laughs off Seth’s comment about being a latch-key kid.
5:04 – Marcia talks about how up in Maine up on the coast, when you’re on the beach, they have small planes dragging a banner sign advertising breakfast or pizza places.
6:47 – Seth asks Marcia how many texts she’s sending these days but she says she doesn’t text because Seth doesn’t have a cell phone. She doesn’t know how to do that.
7:39 – Marcia flew Continental Airlines to LA but she only remembered having to pay $25 to check her baggage. She got some cereal and a banana and coffee.
11:40 – Seth was making a left turn and a car screeched behind him and Marcia screamed so loudly in his face that he literally crossed over the lines with his eyes closed because he didn’t know what was happening. The screeching car was nine cars back.
24:44 – Seth wants to know how cute he was when he was a kid. Marcia groans but tells him he was cute as a kid. She adds that he is equally cute as an adult. Seth loves this because he never hears it from Jonathan.
26:13 – Marcia says they only put two things in a plastic bag at the grocery store so you end up with 50 plastic bags on a $100 grocery order. Also, if you bring the eco-friendly bags in and ask them to fill it up, they look at you disgustedly.
29:56 – Seth and his mom were talking about their hometown in Haverhill, Mass., and Marcia said, “Do you remember when they had a monkey outside that would serve people peanuts?” Seth refused to believe that he was so old that in his lifetime they still allowed monkeys to serve peanuts to children on the streets. He doesn’t remember it so he’s going to say that it did not happen in his lifetime.
33:01 – Marcia has been to Vatican City (Episode 056, 22:45). She said it was awesome. She saw the Pope but he was too far away to yell anything at him. He was up in his window waving. They show him on a million screens. It was on a Sunday and no one knew he was going to be around all day. The window at which he appears has a shade covering it. It goes up and a rug comes out of the window, and the whole crowd cheers because they know he’s going to appear. His voice is translated into six or seven different languages. Every time the specific language is spoken, they all cheer, then the next crowd cheers. She says it was a beautiful day and it was in March around the Feast of the Assumption, March 15.
42:58 – Seth wonders what he did as a kid. Marcia says he did whatever he wanted. As an adult Seth did whatever he wanted to. Marcia says he was well-rounded – he did whatever sport he wanted, and pick and chose what he wanted and through process of elimination he decided what his level was of how good he could do it. When Seth started to play ice hockey, he didn’t start as young as some of the kids on the team, so it was hard for him to learn how to skate. Then he did it and ended up being a goalie, and he was great at it. He won a game for the team and they gave Seth the puck. His parents got him special goalie skates which are different from normal ice hockey skates. He had an enormous duffel bag because he had way more equipment than everyone else. He did it for a year and was great at it but then he decided not to do it again. Then he started playing soccer and he did it really well. Marcia knew he’d be good at it because he was fast and little, but he dislocated his shoulder in high school as a freshman. If they wouldn’t have gotten him to the hospital as quickly as they did, the doctors said he would’ve had nerve damage in his hand. The game was away and they kept Seth on the bus for 45 minutes bouncing on the 495 highway. Marcia thought Seth had a boob because his shoulder was way down on his chest. Seth bounced back from that and then he started drinking with all the seniors. The seniors came to his house because they thought Seth was super cool for breaking his bone, and as a freshman he started drinking with them. Brian Chase wore Guess overalls and let one of the straps hang off, and Seth wanted to be like that. Marcia then reveals that Seth played tennis and he was a Wildman, but he played great doubles tennis – which was great therapy for his shoulder. Seth recalls that he went crazy and threw his racket, and his coaches made him get off the bus and go apologize to the team. At the banquet, the coach described Seth as “being from another planet” because he was so crazy. Marcia knew how John McEnroe’s mom must’ve felt.
49:05 – The advice was to see the world through the eyes of a child, but Marcia told Seth when she arrived at his apartment that you should do what Auntie Carol said and take two minutes to just breathe.
50:34 – Seth and his mom were walking through the Farmer’s Market and saw a couple parents who didn’t know what the hell they were doing. The kid had a spoon in his mouth, it fell on the ground, picked it up and put it right back in his mouth. Marcia explains that the father was eating and not paying attention, while the mother was talking on her cell phone.
7:46 – Seth hasn’t even seen the movie Piranha: 3D, but from what he’s told they eat a dick and spit it out at you in 3-D, plus two lesbians make out topless underwater.
8:22 – Amir’s dad got a 3-D television, and it comes with two pairs of glasses. Amir says it’s not that dope, it’s a little janky to watch, plus you’re having to wear T-Pain sunglasses with it.
14:35 – Jah has been through Seth’s current state of cleanliness with drugs and alcohol, and he says there’s a lot of freedom with deciding to end celibacy from anything. Seth claims he’s been living a nightmare because it’s been a lifetime since he drank or did drugs. He says his dreams are not night terrors, but are wildly unpleasant dreams that he wishes he wouldn’t have seen or experienced. He just wakes up and realizes it’s been 8 1/2 years of sheer hell.
1:01:27 – A UYD listener texted Jah the following joke: What’s the last thing you want to hear when you’re blowing Willie Nelson? “I’m really not Willie Nelson.”
9:48 – While he was in traffic, Seth got up close and personal with one of the movie posters for The Town on the side of a bus and it scared the shit out of him. Jah is more scared of Affleck’s super-thick accent that he uses in the movie.
22:55 – Seth was in his Pavilions supermarket the other day and he saw some weird DVDs featuring an Asian woman in her 60s in a silky flowered one-piece pantsuit outfit looking at him. Seth found out she is the Supreme Master Ching Hai. She is the self-titled founder and spiritual teacher of the Quan-Yin Method of Meditation with the Inner Light and Sound. She lives in Taiwan and has 20,000 followers. She has a corporate entity that includes fashion, jewelry, books, CDs, DVDs and vegetarian restaurants. Her website is called godsdirectcontact.org. It’s a nonprofit because they do philanthropic work throughout the world. It features a video of celebrities with a backdrop at some event, saying the phrase “Be Veg. Go Green. Save the Planet.” The celebs included Morgan Freeman, Gavin Newsome, Richard Branson, Paula Abdul, James Cameron, Lou Ferrigno, Matthew Perry. The organization has restaurants called The Loving Hut. One just opened in Dayton, Ohio at The Dayton Mall. Jah thinks the Supreme Master might be his soul mate, and he might be forced to open a restaurant of his own called “Jah Jah Binks.”
27:38 – Jah saw the Dalai Lama teach for three days in LA. He admits that it changed his life, but probably not for the better.
40:49 – Jah worked in a music store for about four years. It was vintage used gear and the store was great. He would come across people and dealers who had completely amazing stories. Then he would come across people whose stories were way too good to be true.
1:06:20 – Seth got a voicemail from a dude who went to the Pop-Tarts store (Episode 233, 2:37). It was strict chaos.
3:06 – Jah and Seth talk about seeing people getting massages in public areas, which is too much for them (Episode 062, 14:10). Seth also gets panic attacks from seeing people getting chiropractic work done in malls.
12:39 – Amir showed Jah a video that’s currently on YouTube of him in high school with his friends, who were all in a popular band called Plow Posture. There is footage of them driving down Sunset Boulevard. Amir is in the front seat holding a portable television and they are watching the O.J. chase and saying they’re going to go see him. They go to the overpass where O.J. pulls off and gets off the freeway and makes a left-hand turn. It’s just him and nine cop cars following him.
14:08 – Jonathan admits that he lied to a Census Bureau worker. What was even worse was that she informed him that none of what she was doing was for official data because Jah had already filled out the form and mailed it in. He says it was something about his personal life. It was about the property he was at and he told the truth about that, then got weirded out about his own information
20:26 – Jah’s mom and him got into a weird altercation on a freeway off-ramp when J-dawg was 14 years old. The guy got really really mad at his mom and flipped out. As they got off the freeway, they came to a stop and he got out of his car and hit the window and flashed a badge. J-dawg and his mom looked at the badge and had no idea what it was. It didn’t look very official.
54:40 – Seth will get UYD voicemails, and sometimes girls will leave a message where they’re not saying or implying anything, but Seth is completely turned on by their voice. Jah knows exactly what Seth is talking about, and references getting “eargasms” (Episode 014, 7:21).
55:33 – Seth was having a conversation with a subscription representative from Sports Illustrated and found himself screaming “Do you know who the Cowboys are?!!!”
1:06:22 – Jah remembers when he got a Skytel Sky Pager
1:06:25 – Seth remembers booking his first commercial on his pager. It blew up outside of his acting class at Lankersham and Riverside. He ran over to the payphone and booked it.
1:09:06 – Seth saw Freeway Rick Ross (Episode 221, 30:07) this week at a vegan restaurant called Real Food Daily on La Cienega. He recognized and couldn’t place it so he walked into the restaurant to nail it down. Seth wanted to take it to him because there was something there, but he just couldn’t bring himself to buy him a cashew milkshake.
1:12:00 – Jah got hit up by a girl who works in a Michael’s and turned her boss on to UYD. She walked in the next day and the first thing she heard from him was “BALL-IN!” Jah says if you can turn a superior on to the show, it will make your life infinitely more awesome and easier at said job.
3:41 – Jah was sitting in a store today talking about the movie 8 Mile starring Eminem, shortly after seeing Inception in a theater, and he was referencing Brittany Murphy’s death. The person Jah was talking to said, “Yeah, and her husband.” J-dawg had no idea the husband had died shortly after Brittany.
6:05 – Jah watched A Single Man with Colin Firth (Episode 171, 9:56) and Julianne Moore. He liked Inception and admits that Leo is the real deal. His face has aged so he kind of looks like a man, so he’s not mad at him anymore.
9:41 – Jah just found out that a UYD listener bought a red 1993 Plymouth Sundance – the same car as Seth’s (except Seth’s is blue). Seth thinks he and this listener should race for pinks at midnight after the live shows at the Broad Stage on Oct. 2.
18:10 – Seth was on an all-star baseball team in the eighth grade and he was hanging out with four of his buddies at Plum Beach in the summer. They couldn’t wait to get to the main center and talk to girls. There was one dude who didn’t want to go and they couldn’t figure out why. The dude turned out to be bona fide gay, as Seth found out about 5 years ago. Jah says he doesn’t know if he knows any childhood friends who came out at a later time. He doesn’t even remember anyone being out when he was growing out. He wonders what the oldest age is that you could possibly realize you’re gay. Seth says 44.
33:26 – Jah tells a story about his friends who got high on cocaine and went to a gun range in the Valley on Thanksgiving Day. They were firing guns on coke and an Asian dude walked in, rented a gun, walked up to the stall next to them and blew his brains out next to them. The back of his head flew off, he hits the ground and blood begins to seep across the floor everywhere. Within seconds, the employees are alerted as to what’s happened and they come out with two bags of kitty litter, dump it on the ground and soak up the blood. It seemed like it happened fairly regularly.
36:23 – Jah had a friend who volunteered at a suicide hotline when he was younger. He thinks it was the male live-in nanny that he used to have, who recently hit J-dawg up on Facebook. He now oversees a ballet troupe in Los Angeles. He remembers him starting to volunteer and then realizing no one there was going to keep anyone from killing themselves because all of them were fulfilling community service hours and would laugh at the people when they revealed their problems.
42:44 – Somebody texted Jah this week, “The McFarthest I’ve ever had to drive is 3 blocks.” (Episode 236, 57:06)
43:20 – Seth and Jah were just looking at a picture of Seth from when he was a senior in high school. He is wearing rolled-up cuffed cutoff jeans. He looks so happy and so young and is being thrown up in the air by 12 other people. That moment, captured in time, was the happiest he’s ever been in his life. Seth says he needs 12 listeners on Oct. 2 to throw him up in the air.
51:14 – J-dawg has heard horror stories about Verizon / Time Warner technicians coming out to people’s houses and having no idea what they’re doing or how to help them. J-dawg thinks some kabillionaire needs to start a “Shit That Works Company.” Jah remembers that when he first got cable internet and nobody else had it in Hollywood, it was pure glory. It never crashed and the tech support dudes were right around the corner on Vine.
58:03 – Jah’s girlfriend is doing the master cleanse. Jah went to buy lemons, and if he was investing in something, it would be lemons because they’re a buck apiece. Non-organics were 90 cents apiece and organics were 98 cents apiece and even smaller than non-organics. When Seth saw her, she was on Day 1 and she called Seth “Sean.” Jah is noticing some word-jumbling from her. Whenever Seth did the master cleanse (Episode 060, 13:58) he couldn’t even follow an episode of Friends.
1:11:01 – Jah gets a lot of old $20 bills, which raise some eyebrows. He gave one to a dude at a 7-11 recently and all three employees got together to size it up before accepting it.
10:48 – Jah literally lives like three blocks away from the Broad Stage. He sees a lot of college girls who shop together, and the shit they put in their bodies is so gross. A lot of taquitos, a giant box of tampons, frozen bean burritos, etc. He always assumed when he was younger that guys hung out and ate gross shit, but now he realizes that girls hang out, wear sweats, watch True Blood and eat mad gross shit.
15:03 – Seth had an encounter at the Whole Foods on Tuesday with Luke Perry. It was so legit and Seth gave it to him so intensely that Perry thought maybe Seth was being ironic (Episode 070, 11:54), so then Seth had to double back and explain that he was wearing an Air Jordan Flight jacket when Donny Hills went to pick him up from his school and they discussed last night’s show.
16:04 – Before the show, Jah handed Seth a Details magazine from 1994 with Luke Perry on the cover.
21:44 – Jah has been eating a lot of meat. He used to consider himself abou the dirtiest, most militant hippie around, but he’s been eating it and it tastes wicked good. He still has crazy contemplative conversations with himself, but there’s an undeniability as far as how it affects Jah’s body. He feels better with it in him. He watches Seth eat so well, and Jah is a lazy person and being a vegetarian he finds himself eating cake and cheese, which grinds him down after a while. For 14 years he didn’t eat any kind of meat, and now he’s full bore – he ate kobe beef meatballs the other day. Seth then says he was sober for just as long and now he takes Budweiser baths. So basically Jah is full of shit.
25:17 – Jah is trying to remember where he got arrested in North Carolina. It was Asheville. He got arrested for mushrooms there this year. They were a gift from a UYD listener. It was a Schedule 1 offense where he was. In the counties outside of it it would’ve been a misdemeanor ticket, but he was facing 15 months in prison for it. Jah said it was fine now because he’s adhering to his probation. Seth says the real reason it’s fine is because they got ahold of Jah’s dad. Jah was playing a show, and when he got off stage, the guy corralled them all in the green room and searched their stuff. No one else on the tour had a stitch of drugs on them, so Jah was the only one sinking the ship. While he was sitting in the police station, Jah saw some people. The dude closest to him sat down, his shoes were off and he had blood streaming down his face. He had split his forehead open. He had slammed directly into a brick wall in his car. He was 22 years old and kept saying “I’m going to jail, bro.” It was his third strike for DUI. Meanwhile Jah was just sitting there petrified, not wanting to be where he was. There was another guy next to this dude who kept asking if he could go to the bathroom. Everyone who was there, the police knew their first names. Finally let they let the dude go to the bathroom after 45 minutes, and about 10 minutes later, he walks out and has just shit all over the floor. Jah was beside himself. He said getting arrested in the South is the real deal – it’s not like getting arrested in Malibu.
33:53 – Jah says he hasn’t dressed up in his adult life at all, but Seth tells him he dressed up as John Popper four years ago. He was about 50-60 pounds heavier back then, and he put a pillow underneath the costume. His friends’ consensus was that he didn’t need the pillow. Jah also dressed up as a Deadhead in 2007 (Episode 089, 2:34).
36:58 – Jah talks about a good friend of the show, Erin, who he wishes was there at the live show. In reference to the man ejaculating into the woman’s water bottle, Erin has direct connection, being friends of the co-worker that that happened to.
39:45 – Jah used to zip himself up in a suitcase when he was a kid all the time. He thought it was really funny that he could fit inside of a suitcase.
53:12 – Jah references the story of him and his mom barfing from the Catalina ferry on people’s windows (Episode 198, 9:04).
54:30 – Seth went to church with his mother on Christmas and the priest was yelling out “Who has come the farthest on this journey to Jesus?!” Seth was curious what the furthest one of the guests at the Broad traveled from. People shout out various inaudible locations.
5:27 – Jah was at his girlfriend’s store the other day and Lindsay Lohan walked into the store. This was prior to doing the podcast and after the podcast J-dawg watched her on TMZ. There were a ton of papparazi following her, and when she broke out of the store they threw some sort of decoy and she exited out the back. It takes them 8 seconds to realize that happened. In the middle of a green light they book across the street and make cars screech. They’re not even looking at the traffic, they’re just scrolling through their SLRs looking to see if they got the shot. Seth thinks he would be the best paparazzi because he wouldn’t show up on Fairfax with 15 other fools. He would stealth it on Olympic and get them alone and do it really chill. J-Dawg was thinking about Li-Lo’s life and figures out that she doesn’t really make any money anymore and she just gets chased everywhere. Being herself on the run is why she is who she is. At least Paris is mega-rich. But J-dawg thinks Lindsay needs money.
20:51 – Jah thinks guys are lucky for not having to get mammograms or pap smears. All dudes have to do is every four years have a dude stick a finger up their butt and tell a bad joke (Episode 049, 12:59; Episode 120, 2:36)
22:37 – Jah had a friend who was reading his daughter’s diary, and it got bad. It got into a scene where he was reading information he didn’t want to know – talking about drugs, sex, etc., that a normal teenage girl would talk about – but it wasn’t to the point where it was a genuine concern to stop her. Jah thinks it’s a terrible situation. He can’t imagine if his folks would have been reading his stuff. He’s pretty convinced that he would kill his kid before he would let him do something that kills himself.
25:39 – Jah says he made a mistake on the show a couple months ago talking about recycling and trash and that the sorting that happens on our end doesn’t do any good (Episode 225, 1:12:54). Ultimately stuff all ends up at landfills but there’s also a pre-sifting that goes on in regular garbage with plastic and aluminum since they’re worth money. That week, a dude in Florida who works at a landfill sent him photos from his iPhone. Jah was shocked by the giant sponges that went to soak up the oil spill, which were shipped and dumped to Florida landfills. He sent Jah pictures of bulldozers digging 40-foot pits in the landfill and dumping all those yellow sponge things in there, putting other garbage on top of it and burying them.
28:55 – Jah notices that Seth has a pair of glasses on in his Screen Actors Guild ID, and Seth claims “they fucked my shit up so bad.” He went to an audition wearing a Titanic t-shirt with Jack and Rose on the bow of the boat and a leather bomber jacket and thought he was going to destroy the audition in his Hollywood rigout. They gave him a mesh tank top, a Samuel Jackson Kangol and red-tinted wire-rimmed glasses and told him to go to work.
29:49 – Jah talked to another listener of the show who was talking about the show with his wife. He texted Jah and said he had never had a single funny thing to text him, but he was talking to his wife and said their names, “Jonathan Larroquette and Seth Romatelli.” What the wife heard was “Sethro Matelli.” Jah thinks this is the best name for him ever, and he’s never thought about it before. The listener also made a small flash animation about it which Jah wants to show Seth.
31:17 – Jah says he gets a couple residual checks from music queues that end up in Israel and they’re worth even less money than Seth’s movie residuals.
52:15 – Jah didn’t know that so many women shit themselves when they give birth and he was just having this conversation yesterday with his girlfriend about the possibility of having children etc. Jah said he would want to be in the room while it was happening, but she said there was no way he was dealing with anything south of the border. It would only be eyes and hand-holding. She informed him that women shit themselves all the time giving birth and he finds it to be pretty gross getting shit all over your brand-new kid.
5:22 – Jah had a friend who worked at Disney Land for a while. He smoked marijuana and oversaw the rides. He revealed that the drug use of the staff was at the max. They would drop acid in the morning before they opened the gates.
11:42 – Seth wants to know why he always sees ambulance guys in Subway. Jah says almost every ambo he sees now are not real ambos.
16:05 – Seth was sitting at Fountain and Vine on Monday morning when he inadvertently ran into the “10-4 Parade.” The 10-4 Parade features Los Angeles police cars from every single decade. He saw a Dodge Charger, a Crown Vic, and pretty soon by the end of it saw a Car 54-style cruiser. He wished he could’ve seen a perp from each era dressed appropriately and running away from the cops.
18:40 – Being a lot kid (Episode 066, 13:41; Episode 180, 5:52), Jah had a few experiences in his time dealing with the people affiliated with the making of TV and film who have no real business and TV and film – animal wranglers, etc. Jah said they’re the worst people because all they talk about is their thing and how close they were with Burt Reynolds back in the day.
25:36 – Fantasy sports taint the game for Seth. He likes the purity of the game. He has never once played it but he has consulted on various occasions. People will be talking to Seth and slip it to him on the sly because they know he knows about all the injury reports
41:48 – Seth has never faked an orgasm, but Jonathan has. He thinks it came about in the same context that women fake an orgasm, so to not hurt the other person’s feelings while knowing there was no way during that particular session that you could be brought to release. Jah thinks something transpired that reset that clock. It’s wildly difficult for a man to do it, but easier if they have a condom on. Women can cloak it at any time.
46:50 – Jah reports they are getting some weird, erratic weather in Los Angeles right now.
50:33 – Seth was terrified about the nun habits and ghost masks from The Town, but then he saw The Town and didn’t give an F about that because he saw the Skeletor masks and purple dredlocks (Episode 237, 4:59). Then he quickly forgot about that because he saw the new Snickers commercial with two kids stacked on each other with a raincoat over them, and they’re wearing a terrifying mask while encouraging a female shopper to buy Snickers.
1:03:29 – Jah watched The Green Zone with Matt Damon and learned some things. Seth watched The Green Mile] with Michael Clarke Duncan and learned some things.
1:04:22 – Someone hit Jah up today and asked him why it was that you can be homeless at a public library looking up porn, yet at his job he can’t pull up the UYD website because it comes up as a gambling website. Seth says this is because each episode you’re gambling with your mind.
7:12 – Jah was asked by a friend of the show who was with a lady younger than he how long after intercourse it was appropriate to Twitter. Supposedly this guy hadn’t even put his clothes back on or gone to the bathroom before she was tweeting something.
12:39 – Jah says he got several texts from dudes who say they’ve faked orgasms (Episode 240, 41:48). Most of them involved condoms, which would make thing much easier, but one or two of them didn’t.
19:33 – If Jah had to get a job right now, he honestly wouldn’t know where to begin. He thinks he would try to go wait tables at an expensive restaurant. He’s worried he might have to cut his hair if he did that.
23:32 – Jah watched a faux couple in the grocery store the other day where they went shopping and scanning each one, put it in their cart and go through every other single one on the shelf, look at the date and note how long it had been there. They were reps from the company, but they were cloaking it. She was dressed up with a Louis Vuitton bag and he was looking like he just got off work. The computer they were using was cloaked in a canvas bag but it was obvious they had a unit. People from the back came up and said, “Hey guys.” Jah supposed it wasn’t for the grocery not to store, but for other shoppers to just think they were a couple while they were riffling through and checking dates. He couldn’t believe they were filling a cart. After the male had left the female stayed and milled around for a while.
35:46 – Jah finds out from UYD listeners that there are a gang of round-abouts in Oregon. Someone told Seth they’re worse than left-hand turns (Episode 240, 13:01).
51:36 – Jah was eating lunch today and looked out the window to see a red-headed quadriplegic dude who had a weird steez as he was rolling by. He looked through the window to see Jah looking at him and kind of smirked at J-dawg. He pushed the door open with his electrical thing and orders some food. Jah sees him a little bit later and saw him parked with his wheelchair relatively close to the table of a couple guys eating lunch. They were kind of like yuppie businessmen guys, and the quad is looking dead at one of them and not being down with what one of them is saying. He’s making one of the dudes super uncomfortable. Jah makes eye contact with him, and the guy gives him a little wink like “I got this.” Jah chuckles to himself thinking it was weird that he did that to people.
4:55 – Jordan told Seth that Brett Favre texted cock shots months ago, but Seth first heard about it in the mass media three days ago. Jah doesn’t want to believe that Favre had Crocs on in the pictures he sent. Seth can’t believe Favre is a grandfather who sends pictures of his dong via text message.
9:43 – We all know Jah owned a pair of Crocs, which he wore while gardening and podcasting (Episode 011, 2:52). He’s supposed to deny that never happened, because his girlfriend is ashamed of it.
16:39 – When Jah was a kid, his dad was in a Movie of the Week called Convicted (1985), about a mailman who gets convicted of rape and sent away. John plays the letter carrier. The character goes to jail for something he didn’t do and gets attacked and stabbed in prison. J-dawg remembers crying while watching it. Lindsay Wagner plays his wife, and Jenny Lewis plays his daughter. Jenny told Jah about having a weird “dad crush” on John later on.
30:25 – Seth was with somebody last Friday, and was scheduled to meet Jonathan in a few minutes, but the person he was with said, “Oh I have a text from Jonathan.” Seth doesn’t understand why, but he reads the text out loud, and it said “I just hit an 81-year-old Russian man in my car on Melrose.” Jonathan explains that he was running late to an appointment he and Seth were having together. He cut through some side streets and came to a stop sign, where he thought he was clear to make a left-hand turn. He then realized there was a large older Russian man in the crosswalk, and managed to perfectly line up the pillar of his car to where the man was completely eclipsed, and it wasn’t until his face was in Jah’s driver’s side window that he saw him. The man leaped out of the way, and Jah hit the man’s foot. Jah immediately stopped, rolled down the window and yelled “Oh my God are you OK!” The man said, “If I hadn’t moved you would have hit me?” The man says he’s fine and walks across the street. Jah goes about 10 feet and pulls over and looks at him, and the man has put his hand on a fence and the other hand on his heart. Jah freaks out and comes over to him, asking him if he’s OK. The guy says he won’t sue Jah because he’s not that type of person and tells Jah to drive away. Jah insists on staying with him, so the man lets J-dawg walk him to his house. The man was favoring his foot the whole way home.
47:12 – Jah talks about his experience with The Social Network. He didn’t really like it. He likes Jesse Eisenberg but wasn’t down with the movie at all. Jah admits that the story was interesting, but the movie almost makes the story less interesting because nobody in the movie is particularly likeable. His best friend is the only one who has to go through any kind of emotional arc whatsoever. Jah says Timberlake sucked in it, and there were four different versions of that character in that movie and Jah didn’t buy any of them. Jah liked Fincher and he liked so many things in the movie, but the whole movie he kept saying to himself, “This is going to get better.” It never got better.
59:07 – Seth had tickets to a U2 show at the Rose Bowl and said it wasn’t worth driving to Pasadena to see them.
59:14 – Jah’s dad asked him last night if he wanted to go see Leon Russell and Elton John play together at the Palladium. Jah momentarily thought about how Leon Russell was the best but it was so long ago. It was one of those things he wanted to say yes to, but then he thought about the reality of it and decided against it.
7:12 – It’s Seth’s mother’s birthday today. She was cleaning out her house and going through drawers and sent some stuff to Seth. There was an awesome photo from a 1981 issue of the Haverhill Gazette of Marcia and Aunt Carol doing fall shopping. There was another anonymous letter that Marcia and Seth’s father received in the mail from a neighbor on Aug. 31, 1993. Seth thinks he was at home that summer as a mailman, while his parents were going to a beautiful home in Scarborough, Maine. Seth was 19 years old. The letter reads, Mr. & Mrs. Joseph Romatelli, An invitation to the last of a series of parties that started July 3, 1993. Time: 8 p.m. Until: ??? Plenty of noise, plenty of booze, plenty of broads. Location: ____ Given by: Seth the Jet
13:39 – Seth remembers living on N. Beachwood in 1995 and taking bong hits while watching Jerry Springer at 11:00 at night.
42:44 – Jah goes old-school with his scents. He’s an Aqua-Velva type guy, coupled with Nivea lotion, Old Spice and Stetson.
43:09 – UYD’s good friend Sal’s father puts fresh lemon on his body every day.
52:22 – Seth almost fucked up Mandy Patinkin when he and Jah saw him at Art’s Deli in the Valley because he’s a cocky motherfucker (Episode 100 - Part I, 19:17)
1:04:52 – Love is so hard. Jah has tried hard and failed at it. When he looks at he and Justine from an outsider’s perspective, it is something to respect and honor, even though he knows the doomed outcome.
1:10:59 – Jah was walking down the street last night walking his dogs, sniffing out potential mates. He saw two women in their early 40s who were identical twins. They sort of looked a little bit like Marge Simpson’s two sisters. They’re walking down the street toward him on a single cell phone between their heads. One of them is holding it up and both are listening to it (not on speaker). One of them says something into the phone which Jah can’t remember. The other one turns to her identical twin and says, “Don’t say that. You can’t say that.” The other one responds, “I can say what I want. I’m my own person.”
6:08 – Jah loves his parents and he loved them pretty consistently throughout his entire life. But there’s been 12 instances where he almost killed them. He also thinks they were on the cusp of killing him a couple times. Jah almost killed his brother twice. Seth wants Jah’s mother to send him a picture of his brother sleeping on Jah’s chest.
12:38 – Jah needs to talk about a film that he saw called I’m Still Here starring Joaquin Phoenix and directed by Casey Afflek. Jah talked a fair amount of shit leading up to the film’s release, but he wants to clear the air and say that he actually enjoyed it quite a bit. Jah did not see it in theaters like Seth did; he rented it on iTunes. Jah admits that it’s pretty weird, and was tripped out by Joaquin’s hair – which looks similar to Jah’s from high school in the mid-90s.
24:16 – Jah has had so many parking tickets in his life. He’s had so many boots put on his car in his life. He hates them so much that they become things he can’t deal with, which is the worst thing you can possibly do. And they always come back.
27:54 – Seth got a voicemail from a girl who talked about how weird it is to run into your significant other’s ex out in public and think about them blowing them. The girl said it’s way worse for girls b/c they have to think about all the dude’s exes and all the random people he hooked up with and “all the head that he got from gross stripper girls.”
44:15 – About 900 people sent free Kleenex packs to Seth this week.
50:10 – Jah lived in the throes of Hasidic jews when he was in Hollywood. When they’re walking to temple on Friday you can’t go anywhere in traffic.
3:21 – Jah wants to know if it’s true that two people went to the Halloween Phish show dressed as Jonathan and Seth from Uhh Yeah Dude. He’s heard rumors that it’s true but has not seen photo documentation of it.
6:35 – The only clocks Seth has are his microwave and alarm clock. On Saturday he changed those two times for daylight savings and at one point was coming back from the bathroom and said, “Oh, shit!” It gave him a little boost making his coffee two hours later.
8:23 – Jah has fallen asleep at the wheel and had something happen once that was beyond frightening. One involved a passenger with him and the other he was alone. He was driving with his ex once and they were driving to Las Vegas. He decided to just head out at 1:30 a.m. and he got tired within an hour of driving and started talking about having heard master tapes of a Queen record and that you could solo each of the tracks and hear Freddie Mercury by himself. Then there was a conversation lull, and he basically slipped into complete unconsciousness. Then he randomly blurts out, “It’s crazy though, because Jimi Hendrix’s family is like, freaking out about it!” He then acknowledges another pause and realizes he’s slipped into “dream talk.” She did the math and then asked if he had just fallen asleep, then freaked out and made him check them into a Motel 6 in Bakersfield. The other time, he was driving home from Santa Barbara stone-cold sober but running on very little sleep at 3 a.m. He slipped into unconsciousness but slipped into a dream where he was driving on the same road and all of a sudden a hologramic crocodile slithers across the road, and he swerves to avoid it, and as that happens he wakes up and has gone into the other lane. He sees a 16-wheeler big rig and is barreling toward it. He promptly pulled over and started crying because he was horrified by it. Whenever Seth is going through this he just turns on some Carrie Underwood and lets Jesus take the wheel (Episode 010, 23:27).
28:45 – Jah will be going out on the road for a short spell on the West Coast and then Salt Lake City and Colorado for some Jogger shows. Jah says people can find those dates on facebook.com/joggermusic. They played in San Diego last night and there were some UYDheads rolling out. He’s looking forward to more coming out as they go on.
54:03 – Seth thinks the first time he ever made out to a girl was while listening to Pet Shop Boys’ “West End Girls” on a bean bag chair with Cara O’Brien.
58:09 – A dance crew contacted UYD about possibly being sponsored by UYD and wearing UYD stuff while they’re battling, but Jah couldn’t tell if it was legit or not. Seth says there needs to be no talking about it, they just need to lock it down.
1:01:29 – Jah once met Eddie Money in an elevator, and Eddie said, “I’m Eddie Money, the singah.” Then went Jah met Eddie Van Halen, he said, “I’m Eddie Van Halen—Van Halen.”
1:05:50 – Jah had friends who had Samantha Fox posters that were incredibly booby and he was never allowed to have them (Episode 020, 9:44).
13:37 – We’ve all drank on the job, but even when Seth was doing it at a video store with Randy Randall of the punk band No Age, they would still look at each other and wonder if they were really doing this now.
24:00 – Jah just got back from Colorado, where the people love him. He reports that the air is terrible in Denver and you get real drunk because of the elevation and feel really shitty afterward. A couple guys on the Jogger crew didn’t realize this and weren’t big drinkers and woke up feeling horrible. But Jah loves the city even though it’s a trippy town and he’s always been treated really well there.
30:48 – Jah’s friend always used to refer to the bass player in Pearl Jam, Jeff Ament, as “OK But the Hat Stays.” When the band moved from being a hair band into grunge, Ament kept a hat that seemed more appropriate for hair bands.
33:09 – Seth got thrown out of Dublin’s on St. Patrick’s Day during one of the last years he was not sober. His friend Nick Lang was in town and they were getting rowdy. Seth can’t describe what went on in the bar besides, “Things.”
34:00 – Seth talks about a notebook that a friend of his found about “the lost weekend” that turned into a reality journal about times during the late 90s in Hollywood that a friend of his scribbled and rambled in. He finds a portion in there about a party at Rufus Wainwright’s house during which Seth bought coke from a guy who had a SATAN t-shirt.
40:17 – While on tour with Jogger, Amir was watching Battlestar Galactica on his iPad, and at one point plugged the jack into car stereo auxiliary and he held it up so everyone could see the show. Jah doesn’t understand how people love that show. They were in Seattle and at the base of the Space Needle they had a Battlestar Galactica exhibit with spaceships and Amir was so stoked to go check it out.
50:18 – UYD Nation is thick in Salt Lake City. Listeners rolled out to the Jogger show when Jogger went on tour there. It was pretty dope. It was super cold but Jah was down. He got stiffed for his gig while he was there. There was a booking agent they fired after the last tour because the routing was horrible. He was still on board when the dates for this tour were being booked, and felt like he deserved to be paid, and so he contacted promoters and had them pay in full to the booking agency. By the time Jah and Amir showed up, they showed them Xeroxes of the checks that were sent to him. Jah and Amir were pissed and played the show knowing they were getting nothing.
56:40 – You go through some towns when you’re driving from major city to major city, and you see the poverty for real, according to J-Dawg. He and Amir drove through the Four Corners District during their recent Jogger tour. The reservation was in dire straits when the world was good to us, and now it’s looking even more grim. There were starving dogs with bum legs and unlivable houses for harsh winter conditions. Jah saw some good meth action going on there.
1:06:53 – There’s an obit on the UYD website about a guy who runs the Albertson Wedding Chapel on Wilshire. Seth once went to a wedding there for a guy who worked with him at Rocket Video named Ron Shahoq. He got married on April Fool’s Day and didn’t know about the day (Episode 029, 5:49). They were drinking out in the parking lot and asking Ron if he understood that it was a thing. Seth thinks they’re divorced now. They went to Yamashiro after the wedding, and Seth stole a little soy cup that he clinks on his coffee table to let us know he has it. He thinks the date was April 1, 1999.
4:47 – Seth’s mother lost it watching a McBride marathon and saw Jonathan and Amir’s name listed on the screen with a music credit.
4:57 – Nosaj Thing showed Jah a picture on his iPhone of a shot of the McBride episode on his TV in his Paris hotel room. Jah asked him if he listened to the soundtrack.
8:27 – When Seth interned with talent manager Beverlee Dean at his first internship in Los Angeles, her main client was Kevin Sorbo. She also had Jim Caviezel, who Seth read lines with one time and thought he sucked.
26:17 – Jah’s brother might be moving to New York City. Jonathan’s father is going to star in the 50th anniversary Broadway revival of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying with none other than Dan Radcliffe.
27:54 – Seth had Claritin one time and a couple hours after he took it he felt a little hopped up. He was with a buddy who’s sober, and he got a homeopathic cayenne pepper deal that he put up his nose, and it had the rush of something going into his brain. Seth thinks it dislodged every bit of coke that had been circulating in his brain.
29:15 – Jah remembers two times the same person in his life got him back into the drug game – Justin, or “Jigs.” He was drinking Jack and Coke out of a Coke can, and Jah had grabbed the Coke can and took a sip of it. Another time, it was a boozie thing like that where Justin was hiding the alcohol in another container.
41:22 – Jonathan has been in Bed Bath & Beyond a couple times recently because he had a friend who was moving into his spot. As much as he is a meathead, he’s slightly more domesticated than most after living with a woman for many years. He describes it as a living SkyMall catalog. Jah can’t help but get kind of sucked into awesome knife collections or $400 juicers. Seth says J-dawg also gets this way in Sur La Table stores.
8:13 – Somebody texted Jah asking if Seth was really thinking about coming off the wagon.
9:03 – Jah wants to know if he accidentally said “nucular” on Episode 247 like George W. Bush. Someone hit up and said they’d counted two already.
13:27 – When Seth handed Jah the news item in front of Jah about a potential menthol cigarette ban, he didn’t notice that sitting on a piece of Jah’s equipment was a pack of Newport Menthol Gold. Jah says he smokes menthols because they taste good.
20:49 – Listener Johnny M from San Francisco sent a birthday/Christmas/life gift wrapped into one, the Tiffany documentary I Think We’re Alone Now for Jah and Seth to watch. Jah and Seth watched it alone, and have never felt more alone.
31:12 – Jah was standing on Third Street Prominade in Santa Monica, Calif., this week, doing some early Christmas shopping. He looks over and on the corner of Broadway and 3rd is a deli called The Broadway Deli. They just opened up the mall across the street and it’s gone from being a shithole of a mall to a mega-shopping destination with Louis stores, etc. Now all the storefronts on the opposite side of the street facing the mall are worth exponentially more money than they are currently. There was a huge sign in the window of the Broadway Deli that said LOST OUR LEASE – GOING OUT OF BUSINESS – CLOSING. Jah then realized that in the 80s and 90s, the Broadway Deli was popping with all TV celebs who had moved to the west side (Santa Monica and Malibu) and the food was good and the place was huge. Jah remembered going there for his 13th birthday, and they gave him a pair of slip-on Vans and a few other things there. He took a picture of the deli and sent it to his dad with the message “I had my 13th birthday there. That was 20 years ago.” It was the most cold, bone-chilling, empty old that Jah has ever felt.
1:01:18 – Jah called Seth the other day because he happened to be at a friend’s house who had cable and said “Are you watching this!?” during 60 Minutes for the Spider-Man Broadway segment.
1:03:34 – Jah went to an auto show with Amir and got a major panic attack from looking at the Chevy Volt. Fuel TV was there and they had a weird host there describing things about the cars. Jah couldn’t believe the length of the line of people waiting to get into one of the cars to rev the engine, and couldn’t help but go back and stare at it. Amir had to pull Jah aside and tell him that the thing he does wrong is weigh up the implications that these types of activities have on mankind, and you simply can’t do that because it’ll kill you.
1:05:21 – Seth looked up his Sundance on Kelly Blue Book, and in excellent condition it is worth $1,995 – which is what he paid for it when he drove it off the lot at Sepulveda at his Pick ‘N Save. Seth wants some of the new UYD bumper stickers to put on the ‘Dance.
3:07 – When Seth was talking about wanting to go to Hawaii, Jah’s dad recommended not to stay at the Four Seasons, but to stay at another hotel in Maui next to the Four Seasons that’s even better. Jah thinks it’s the Kapalua Resort.
9:31 – Seth saw a couple movies on Friday night. He dipped into 127 Hours and Black Swan. If he were to send Jah to one of them, he would choose The Fighter. He declares “Nope, nope” on both of them.
10:56 – Jah informs Seth that the Freestyle Session 13 he just reported on was put on by Jah’s good friend Louis. Seth then realizes he went to the same competition a couple years ago and just stared at everyone.
14:50 – Every time Jah goes into the post office, especially now during the holidays, it is a clusterfuck. He’s been doing a lot of shipping with the UYD merch so the P.O. workers know him well by this point.
19:44 – Any of J-Dawg’s friends who came out to their folks, their parents did a pretty good job with it. Seth wonders what Amir’s parents thought.
20:28 – Seth’s 20-year high school reunion is this weekend, but he’s skipping it to do Episode 250. One of Jah’s friends informed him that his is coming up pretty soon, which he had trouble comprehending. Seth didn’t go to his 10-year reunion so he’s thinking he needs to go to his 20-year.
22:36 – J-Dawg doesn’t have a television because of the panic attacks that various TV programs would give him. He says that it’s worse now that he doesn’t have one, however, because when he finally gets to a TV and sits down, it’s 1,000 times worse and none of his mental callouses have been built up yet.
24:27 – In 2000, Seth wore the glasses that had 2000 on them every weekend to every party in that year.
26:36 – Seth has been getting some robot voice bill collectors calling his house. They’re not getting any money from him regarding a magazine subscription from when he was living on N. Beachwood. The voice, when it says his name, goes “Hello. Seth. Rome. Italy.”
28:41 – J-Dawg has had the same phone for a long time and has given his number out frequently. He gets his share of stuff where people spam his phone and e-mail, but he’s been surprised by the fact that he hasn’t been inundated with garbage.
37:29 – Jah remembers one Santa being heinous. Jah was petrified of him. He was so scary and creepy.
51:50 – Jah remembers when he was looking for a car that Amir convinced him to test-drive an xB Scion when they had first come out. Jah started looking it up and saw that dudes were modding them and putting systems in them. Jah and Amir went together to drive one. Amir wouldn’t be caught dead buying one, yet he had no problem offering it up to J-Dawg. Jah thinks it’s crazy that all the DJs on this planet drive those. Seth thinks he needs a sports car from the 60s, like a 1968 Ferrari that he can drive to art galleries while wearing a turtleneck.
1:06:52 – Seth once saw Kabuki theatre at the Wiltern. He smoked a crazy bowl, parked his Volvo off on a side street and went and got tickets by himself on the balcony. It was him and all Japanese people. He was crazy high, and a light above the stage popped and shattered and fell. Seth recalls that it didn’t affect the Kabuki actors in any way. In true Kabuki fashion, they continued.
1:09:14 – Seth got a voicemail from a guy who said he was in jail and he used his one phone call to call the UYD voicemail. If that’s true, Seth loves this dude.
16:30 – Jah rats out Amir for crying during Marley and Me. He watched it on a plane and wept and dared Jah to watch it and not cry. Jah never watched it.
19:38 – Seth doesn’t have any plans for New Year’s Eve. He thinks his best one was when he went to Abiquiu, N.M., for Y2K (Episode 075, 41:24; Episode 052, 19:48; Episode 133, 11:37; Episode 190, 1:03:08) because it was the most memorable. Then he remembers he had a New Year’s in high school where he bought a white shirt with big black polka dots like Kid ‘N Play had at the Methuen Mall the day before New Year’s as a high school junior. He went to a New Year’s party at Mark Spencer’s house and people were in awe of his shirt. So that might have been his best. He then recounts his worst New Year’s, which was when he had his first sober New Year’s and took his Chevy Cheyenne up to the Hollywood Hills and counted down the clock. He then drove down to Sunset and got pulled over at a DUI checkpoint on Sunset at the Bank of America just east of Fairfax because of his colored cab lights and got a ticket at 12:31 a.m. on Jan. 1. Seth got home, went to bed, woke up on Jan. 1 and there was a ticket waiting for him on the coffee table when he woke up. Happy New Year, Seth.
34:03 – Jah was in the Nike Store the other day. His friend was looking for something and Jah got up to the Jordans/basketball section, and he saw maybe 1 pair out of 30 that if he saw someone in them he wouldn’t judge them. Most of them he thought were retarded-looking and would be even worse with shorts next to thin legs.
42:38 – In thinking about the Manson Murders, Jah started thinking about a health food restaurant that used to be in LA in the 60s called The Source, which was very popular. The guy who ran it started a small commune/cult called the Ya Ho Wha, and changed his name to Father Yod. He had mother house and father house where there were close to 200 people living there. There was tantric meditation and weed smoking and a bunch of records they recorded during this time. He had been in pursuit of his wife for a while and finally convinced him to go out with him. She blew off plans that night, which were to go to the Polanski house, to go hook up with him in his love van. Jah says Father Yod killed a couple guys and eventually got himself killed hang-gliding.
1:02:51 – Jah is down with Next-Gen Star Trek. They cover some moral issues.
7:05 – Jah had a friend growing up whose dad was a popular guru mystic Indian guy in the 70s and 80s. He had grown up as a boy sage because he was very little and spitting mad third-eye game, and as he got older moved into more advanced wisdom. Jah ate abalone at his house, which was the first time he’s ever done this.
8:43 – Seth received some literature from “It Is Written,” dated December 20, 2010: Dear Seth, I just wanted to let you know how excited I am that you are interested in the study of the Bible. You requested the “Search for Certainty” bible study guides some time ago, and at that time we mailed you the first Bible study guide to complete at your leisure, but we still haven’t received your completed study guide. We’re wondering if you did in fact receive this. Your commitment is to faithfully complete the lessons to us, return them in a self-addressed stamped envelope. I will then review your lessons and send you along your next Bible study course to be completed. I am praying for you Seth. I request that you call me with any specific prayer request. Muriel then left her home, cell and office phone numbers for him to contact her at. Seth remembers sending away for information, but does not recall receiving anything.
12:11 – Seth told J-Dawg today that all we need to know in order to prove that we live in the craziest country ever is to sit down and watch two documentaries: Good Hair about Chris Rock, and The Wild and Wonderful Whites – a documentary so many people have been texting Jah about recently.
23:01 – Seth has been all up in the Hollywood Christmas Parades. His first year, he snorted coke and went up to the boulevard and went bat-shit crazy. He was living at 632 N. Beachwood at the time. There was another year when he was working at Paramount and they had floats out of there and he was posted up as a VIP. He was eating chicken dumplings. Jah wonders if he and Seth will ever get to be on a car in the parade, because his dad got to do it (Episode 057, 10:53).
24:13 – Seth doesn’t understand the new “Franco Jackets,” which feature reflective material on them by the wrists.
37:14 – Jah remembers his friend having a Chinese tea that he swore by for some sort of medical reason because he was sick. It would come in bags, and the smell was the strongest, most pungent, most repulsive thing at room temperature. Once it was boiled, it would fill the room up. It was expensive as anything and he swore by it.
37:58 – Seth tried to get a kid to take a wheatgrass shot at Jamba Juice. He looked at the kid and his mother and said “it’s like bubble gum,” and he was almost there but the kid wouldn’t take it. The first time J-Dawg took wheatgrass, he had the worst diarrhea ever.
43:46 – Jah remembers going into the Grotto at the Playboy Mansion when he was a little kid (Episode 134, 43:10). It was like a Hollywood party at the mansion and you’d think they’d tone it down a little, but it was just a cave of nudity in there.
59:53 – Jah had a story he wanted to tell but he can’t remember it now.
1:05:59 – Seth and Jah talk about the UPS driver delivering the package during the show. Seth wanted the driver to come on the mic but they sensed that the driver either didn’t like Seth or Jonathan. Seth thinks the dude thought it was some sort of J.O. sesh between two dudes. He saw Seth moving quickly like a gazelle with a backwards baseball cap on. When he came back into the studio and saw J-dawg sitting there with a weird-ass 1970s mic, he thought he was walking into some creep-ass shit. He stopped halfway down the hallway and pushed the package the rest of the way rather than coming inside.
27:07 – Jonathan remembers wanting to change his first name a lot when he was a kid. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, but for some reason “Jonathan” just didn’t feel good to him. As much as it was a common name, there were no other Jonathans he came across in his upbringing until later on in life. They were all Johns.
28:39 – Jah’s friend Chris “Wag” Wagner wanted to change his name in school because they called him “Pissy Chrissy” or “Piss Chris.” He went home mad and told his mom he wanted to change his name. His mom asked what he wanted to change it to, and he said “Leroy Brown.” Then his mom said, “Honey, then they’ll just call you ‘Peeroy.’” He got really mad and lashed out at her.
29:29 – Seth wonders if J-dawg has ever heard the phrase “over-the-shoulder boulder holder,” and says he never had before watching Bette Midler singing in the movie Beaches. An old gay dude Seth knows saw him looking at a Victoria’s Secret catalog, and asked him, “What are you lookin’ at? Some over-the-shoulder boulder holders?” and Seth erupted in laughter. Everyone looked at Seth like he was strange.
47:06 – A stripper at a bachelor party Seth went to told him he smelled good, had great hair and had a perfectly symmetrical face while he was enjoying his only bachelor party at the Hyatt House on Sunset. There was a dinner before the party at the Saddle Ranch. This was for Seth’s friend Kurt. Jah has only been to one bachelor party in Las Vegas. He recalls it being the dregs because he was stone-cold sober at the time. Seth had just gotten sober at his. Seth filled his truck up with booze and everyone except him was passed out at the end of the night.
51:52 – Seth went to a Sonic on New Year’s Day coming back from Abiquiu, N.M., post-Y2K, on the way to L.A. He got a bacon double cheeseburger and it was the best thing he’s ever had in his life.
1:10:03 – Seth really has been noticing that people are up on their phones all the time. Wherever he is in the world, he doesn’t have a phone in his hand, so whenever he looks around people are actively inside their phones and getting into them.
7:48 – Jah certainly saw a decent amount of Ron Jeremy growing up. Seth saw him for the first time in Mel’s on Sunset.
8:33 – Jah remembers watching the movie of the week, Convicted (Episode 242, 16:39), that his father starred in. His dad’s character got in a fight with another prisoner, who broke a broomstick and stabbed his dad’s character in the neck with it. Jah went hysterical watching it. He was crying so much. It was one of those things where he’d never seen him do anything like that on camera. Jah got a text on Jan. 4 from a listener saying it was on that date in 1984 that Night Court premiered.
10:36 – Seth remembers seeing Short Bus at a gay and lesbian film festival, which was a straight party. He remembers it opening with a guy trying to blow himself.
11:01 – Jah reveals that Seth has injured himself, and he’s going to ask him to sit down because he’s worried about him. Seth busted his knee and shouldn’t be putting any weight on it. He’s currently standing on one leg and then every 30 seconds he shifts to a Warrior 1 yoga pose.
11:36 – Jah quit smoking for four days. He has two cigarettes with him in the studio tonight. He smoked one of them, he will smoke another one and he believes he will stop again tomorrow.
13:13 – Jah remembers his art teacher smoking More cigarettes, which are long brown menthol cigarettes. Jah thinks he’s smoked Viceroys as well.
21:45 – Seth references going to a crazy vegan house restaurant that their mutual friend, Taran Noah Smith (the youngest brother from Home Improvement) had (Episode 061, 19:30). They were so scared that they were going to get killed that they left voicemails at their houses to say where they were going.
43:58 – Jah gets freaked out about the predictability of his likes and dislikes when he starts rating movies, then waiting for the recommendations to come in. They accurately predict the rating you’re going to give every movie within one-half of a star.
1:02:43 – Seth has faked Jah before. He brought a carrot soup dish from Flora Kitchen on S. La Brea Avenue over to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving and tried to play it off that he made it.
1:03:34 – Seth worked at a place and it was good. It was where he had to go up to the owner’s house and he didn’t lock the gate properly and one of her dogs escaped. It never came back, but it wasn’t Seth’s fault because there was wine that was left outside and when he picked up the wine box they all came out of the box. It was way more work than Seth signed on for. He just wanted to work at this place with Troy Van Leeuwen from Failure. After that, his boss, David Weiss – a great guy, Seth admits – brought him in and said “I hate to do this because you’re my homie but I have to fire you.” It was something he had to do for Rita, the lady whose dog got out. David now manages Cheebo on Sunset. Jah knows him because he used to work at Future, which was two doors down. David is in a Rogaine commercial that’s on TV now, talking about how he’s the guy who used to wear hats all the time but doesn’t anymore.
1:07:35 – Seth wants J-dawg to make one limited edition run of 1980s-style UYD half-shirts. Seth remembers wearing a half-shirt for a whole summer when he was about 11 years old. He wore it to church and didn’t give a shit. He had a taut, tan body that he calls, “A NAMBLA dream.”
1:08:48 – Seth saw a dude who said, “I don’t like to see you on crutches. It just ain’t right.” Seth agreed with him wholeheartedly. Although Seth said he looks pretty fresh at the newsstand because he gives a lean into the crutches and casually reads a magazine with his leg up.
11:12 – Seth went to get gas a couple weeks ago and asked for $25 on Pump #7. They asked him what kind of gas, and he wanted to sarcastically say “Supreme, with Techron please,” after glancing at his electric blue Plymouth Sundance sitting by Pump #7.
11:48 – Seth tried to buy a cordless phone at Rite-Aid and was flabbergasted that it was $70 and does not work. People informed him that he could’ve gotten a better phone at Best Buy for $23. Seth apologizes to Sean Hayes and Jack McFarland, who were behind the counter at Rite-Aid, because he was too busy screaming to make any sense. Jah wishes he could’ve been there, because he hasn’t had a good public outburst in a while (Episode 194, 54:42).
26:39 – Jah basically doesn’t have television still but he has a television. He has a Vizio TV that has apps loaded in it. He plugs it into his wall, turns the power on, goes to the network settings and connects it to his wireless computer. He can watch Netflix, Hulu, Facebook and Twitter. He can hook up keyboards and everything else. Jah later says (43:37) that after not having a TV in his house for two years, he is amazed by the number of hours he sits in front of his internet TV.
32:56 – Seth revisits his correspondence from the lovely people at “It Is Written” (Episode 251, 8:43). His friend Muriel Hrbek, who had left Seth every possible way of getting in touch with Seth, follows up: “Dear Friend, I recently sent you a letter with an invitation to complete the Search for Certainty Bible study series, or to start the series anew if you no longer have a copy of the first lesson. Unfortunately, it seems that the phone number I included with that letter is incorrect. You will find my updated contact information below. If I may be of any assistance, please don’t hesitate to contact me. May God bless you and your family this year. Yours in Christ, Muriel.” Seth called one of the numbers to let her know he was still in the mix, couldn’t get through, but now he’s relieved to know he’s OK.
35:54 – Friend of the show Zach – Turquoise Wisdom, who DJed the live shows UYD did in Santa Monica – confessed to Jah that he has a problem that he falls prey to automatically choosing whatever it is the drive-through workers ask him if he wants a specific new menu item. He says not only is it embarrassing for him because people in the car are grossed out, but also the employees are so used to people saying “no” that it doesn’t register to them when he simply says “yes.” Jah declares that the new Frito Burrito at Taco Bell is no joke, but you have to eat it while it’s hot, because when it’s cold it’s shameful. Seth then impersonates Jah with a creepy voice: “Don’t bother me, I’m VEGAN!”
44:46 – Seth got a lovely voicemail from a lady with a newborn son who has a habit of listening to UYD with earbuds in her ear while she’s breastfeeding. Seth thinks that’s when it all came into focus for him.
49:03 – Jah’s dinner last night was awesome. His girlfriend, Geneva’s, mother is in town so he took her to a restaurant called Hal’s Bar and Grill on the East Side. They got both Elijah Wood and Lindsay Lohan in there. There were 50 photographers around Li-Lo and she walks in with a crew that looked like second-rate Italian underwear models. She’s the only girl in the click among dudes with shaved heads and leather bomber jackets. Jah processes that some of them have to be bodyguards but certainly not all of them. Elijah was there with his girlfriend and no one batted an eye over him once Li-Lo was there.
7:57 – Seth got a 1590 on his SATs. He took it again so he could get a perfect score, and scored a 1590 again. Actually, he can’t remember what he got on them. Jah knows, because he never took the SAT test or prep test. He remembers having friends who did crazy well on them.
28:47 – Jah was told by an ex-girlfriend to always keep tampons under his sink because girls get their periods and they should be accessible.
34:48 – Seth asks Jah the last time he ever had Red Lobster. Jah says he was 14. He never actually had lobster. 35:09 – Seth’s friend Peter Martelucci collected Garbage Pail Kids, and somehow convinced them that they were going to be worth millions (Episode 037, 41:31). Jah then re-tells the story from when he was working at the dog store, and saw a dude carrying stacks of them into a comic store trying to sell them and then shortly later walking back with the same stack of Garbage Pail Kids (Episode 037, 41:07 and Episode 067, 10:27).
35:45 – Jah’s dad had a problem with being convinced things were going to be worth a lot of money and then they turned into nothing. He had bought a bunch of rare soap and stored it in the garage for a while.
37:48 – Seth doesn’t go too in-depth about Megan, a contestant on a new reality show on Syfy who he used to work with. But he does tell one story. She was going to Starbucks for a few people at work and a guy they worked with asked for a “Black Eye.” She replied, “A Black Guy?” The co-worker attempted to correct her but Seth cut him off, saying “Yes,” because there is an African American gentleman who works at the Starbucks down the street. They all breathlessly stood there waiting for her to come back with the coffees. She turned the corner with a shocked look on her face, as if to say, “How could you do this?!”
39:52 – Seth was on a computer and when Megan mentioned that there were auditions for this new reality show, he kept up to date with the goings-on of the show. He won’t say exactly how recently he worked with her, but says it was between the start of this show and today.
55:48 – Jah walked into Best Buy today to buy a cable to do this show, and there was only one kiosk selling apparel that he could see in the entire place. All there was was Guns N Roses t-shirts and Metallica t-shirts.
1:05:36 – Jah stole something recently. Seth wants to know how this happened. Jah got upset in a store and felt like he wasn’t being treated very well. He was with his girlfriend and his mother. He checked with his girlfriend to make sure it was OK before doing it. He had asked a couple questions in the store and had been dealt with briskly. They were the only people there, and the woman behind the counter was dealing with some other person who had come in but was not a customer – more like a dealer of some sort. Jah says it was a boutique and not a chain. He took a small ceramic box that cost $12.00. Jah was standing at the counter with cash in hand ready to buy it, saying “Excuse me?!” at the counter, and got fed up and walked out with it. Jah wonders if it’s a violation of his probation, and starts to get a little worried.
1:09:58 – Seth went back to an annual Cinefamily Event, which featured a bunch of “A Very Special Episodes” where shit got dramatic. They kicked off the festivities with a Boy Meets World episode called “Cult Fiction,” aired April 25, 1997, where Shawn joins a cult. It was one of the finest episodes of television – it had more to say in 22 minutes than most shows say in an entire season.
1:11:43 – Jonathan has a back injury to go with Seth’s knee injury (Episode 253, 11:01). Jah has a pain in between his shoulder blades that is absolutely killer.
14:26 – Jonathan doesn’t even know if he’s going to watch the Super Bowl. He’s still bummed about his Chiefs not making it. He used to go to Disney Land every Super Bowl Sunday with his mom because he didn’t care about the game. It was super uncrowded because no one would go.
24:13 – The last time Seth stayed in a hotel was that one night in Brooklyn in October. He didn’t watch porn, but instead sat and reflected on his friendship with Jonathan. He didn’t sleep that night, he just looked out the window at the Empire State Building. He felt like Jay-Z.
25:01 – Jah’s parents are in NYC right now. His mom says it’s wicked cold and is asking Jah to send her stuff from their house that will help her warm up.
28:09 – Seth asks Jah how he lost his virginity. Jah says he was 12 years old and it was on the beach in Hawaii. Seth desperately asks someone in the UYD listening audience to paint that scene. Jah then admits it wasn’t to fruition and wants to know if it still counts. Seth says no, that he has to consummate it. Jah says the girl was older and not a virgin.
1:00:04 – Jah and Amir’s band, Jogger, has a new video out for their song “Nephicide.” Jah and Amir have a very brief kiss at the end of the video, and Amir has had gay couples e-mailing him and saying they love it. Reading through the comments, Jah’s favorite one was “At first I was like, ‘Fuck yeah!’ Then I was like, ‘Uggghhh, faggots.’”
9:09 – Seth got Jonathan a book that really isn’t a book. Jah thinks he’s reading but he’s not. It’s called The Book of Useless Information, which is filled with pretty awesome shit. One factoid Seth pulled from it: “Cleveland” spelled backward is DNA – Level C. Another – the first toilet seen on TV was seen in Leave It To Beaver.
22:55 – Now that he’s started again, Jah can’t stop watching television. He’s in a hole. He’s already in the mode where he finds himself watching it when he doesn’t even want to be watching it.
33:15 – Jah knows a girl who walked in on her boyfriend. She went to the back door – a glass door that goes into the bedroom – and the dude was fully getting blown by a girl when his girlfriend turned the corner and it was right in front of her.
49:15 – Seth’s father used to go to the beach at Plum Island, sit in a little chair and put on Bain de Soleil to attract more rays and stay there the whole day. Seth said he looked like a million bucks next to his friend Bruce Merrell (Episode 077, 43:24) – they were both brown.
57:22 – Seth looked so good driving his Dodge Caliber rental car. It had a GPS in it but Seth doesn’t use that stuff. He looks up stuff on Mapquest at home and then hand-writes out the directions.
57:50 – Jonathan got lost on New Year’s Eve. Seth was inside of a wonderful house party with L.A. hipsters enjoying himself thoroughly. Seth was wondering where J-dawg was because everyone there Seth knew through J-dawg. At 12:04 a.m., Jah and Geneva came in the door fighting. Seth made it from Pallyhouse in West Hollywood to the party in Echo Park in 16 minutes, thanks to Mapquest.
1:00:22 – Jonathan has lost a car in a parking structure before. Seth has managed to not have a lot of inconvenient stuff happen to him. If he ever walked out of a place and couldn’t find his car, he’d probably check into a hospital. J-dawg thinks this is because Seth puts the time in ahead of the game. Seth finds life barely bearable as is, and his life is about 81% pre-production at this point. Seth is literally doing pre-pro half of his day but he knows people who couldn’t do pre-pro on a bet. He wants to know how they manage to live their lives like this.
1:04:45 – Jah had an ingrown toenail removed and they didn’t put him under. They numbed the shit out of it and he watched it and it was very bloody. It was a gory experience on his big toe. He was totally fine about it, but he did think about the fact that it was an ingrown. If they would’ve been up in his shit and reconnecting tendons, it would have given him a panic attack.
1:05:22 – Jah’s mom had a C-section and was kept conscious for that. The doctor pulled the sheet back to show her a problem, and she looked down to see her own intestines on a table next to her body.
1:06:01 – Seth has to have surgery on his knee and he’s struggling with the idea of why he has to go under to have the operation completed.
1:07:59 – Seth was listening to Kevin and Bean on KROQ and they were doing a fake thing about where all the superheros are not American because they cast a Brit in The Cape, and they said “We have somebody on the phone from AAA – Americans for American Americans…” Seth was drinking his Starbucks, driving down Beverly and getting pissed off that they jacked UYD’s steez.
21:39 – This is probably the best time for Seth to come clean. There’s been a lot of talk about his knee and impending surgery. He admits that he’s getting a nose job, and it’s all been an elaborate ruse and façade to try to trick listeners. He did not strain his knee doing basic yoga principles or any Jack Lalanne-inspired military squats. He has hated his nose since he was a boy, and he has finally found the courage to take the necessary steps to remedy it. When he came walking down the hallway holding a bag of his own piss, the building he was in in Beverly Hills featured every single office as a facial reconstructive surgery place. He got on the elevator and there were 3 different women, then he got off the elevator and there were girls walking down the hallway – all of them with crazy black eyes and bandaged faces. Seriously though, he is getting surgery this week and he wants everybody to think good thoughts for him. He wants to see if they can do it with no anesthesia.
25:06 – Seth had to do Catholic confession one time. Jonathan used to do confession even though he wasn’t baptized, but they wouldn’t let him take communion. All of Jah’s friends in school were altar boys. Jah’s sins that he confessed were always about beating off. Seth’s salty language is what did it for him. He had a summer where all he did was go up to people’s cars and take off the caps that covered their tire air pumps, and he would have shopping bags filled with them.
29:27 – All Seth hears all day is people talking about having been to Subway, currently while he’s talking to them eating a Subway sandwich or going there later in the day. Jonathan says it’s the same situation for him. Jah thinks it’s a pretty solid joint if you get a clean one where the people working there aren’t disgusting.
42:58 – Jah is a late-night person who is often out walking his dogs at night. He sees delivery contractors in their makeshift mail trucks around Santa Monica. Sometimes he’ll see 1989 Chevy vans with a Mexican dude in it and his wife and 17-year-old son in the back. He’ll also see creepy white dudes who clearly live down by the docks and have no teeth. It happens during an hour, where, if Jah were to open his door and this man was coming toward him, the first thing that would come to Jah’s mind is, ‘You have to beat this dude until he stops moving because he’s going to kill you.’
49:40 – Jah saw his first Starbucks Trenta the other day. You can fit a whole bottle of wine inside of one, so Jah envisions a lot of homeless guys claiming it’s raspberry iced tea.
57:07 – Seth admits he got a massage during halftime of the Super Bowl. He was in Bel-Air with Clint Eastwood and he got a Kabbalah massage during halftime of the Super Bowl game.
1:03:56 – The next time we speak, Seth will have a new knee. It will be the whole new Seth. Seth’s not looking forward to the rehab, however.
2:40 – Seth did not go under anesthesia for his knee surgery. He’s set a new precedent for operations that he’s calling the “Telli Rule,” where you only go under if it involves an organ. Seth also turned down the recommended dose of Vicodin. Seth got home from surgery, laid down on his sofa, set his laptop computer on his chest, and watched the eight lost Joey episodes sent to him by a friend/listener. Seth watched repeats that aired on TV2 in Norway – the country’s largest television station. He watched the episodes in English with Norweigan subtitles.
13:52 – Seth has a recurring nightmare in which he wakes up and sneezes in the middle of the night. There are a few seconds of silence, then he hears a man’s voice say, “God bless you” in the middle of his dark bedroom.
21:05 – The last time Seth saw a street prostitute was on the track on Sepulveda when he used to work in the Valley. When he first moved to L.A., Western was a track. Jah says Sunset was a track when he was working on it. Jah recalls the hookers used to dip into the music store and act like they were shopping whenever cops would roll by.
29:16 – Jonathan has met Heidi Fleiss. They met on an elevator in Hollywood at a building Jah used to have a recording studio in. Jah’s father was there as well. Heidi’s father was J-dawg’s pediatrician (Seth wants to know that Heidi Fleiss’ father has touched Jah’s penis. Jah confirms). He was a great doctor whom Jah’s brother went to as well. J-dawg’s dad told Heidi, “Your father was my son’s pediatrician growing up.” Heidi looked at Jah and said, “That’s why he’s such a healthy young man,” then smiled and got into the elevator.
44:39 – Jah doesn’t have many recurring dreams that he remembers. He had quite a few when he was a kid. He knows a lot of people who have recurring nightmares. When Seth was a kid, he had a weird dream. There were 13 steps that went from his top floor to the second floor. He would wake up and his mother would be standing at the sink doing dishes and he would get up, walk past their bedroom, look in and see something coming at him. He would jump all 13 steps, land, run into the kitchen, and when he looked back he could see the figure walking down the stairs. He would go to his mother and tug on her and she didn’t notice and kept doing the dishes until Seth looked back and saw the figure turning the corner and entering the kitchen.
46:12 – Seth thought of something funny during the surgery and thought he should say it, but thought better of it. When they wheeled him in, Tupac’s “I Get Around” was playing and he was wondering if that was going to be happening. They asked him if they should change it and he said no. Seth meant to say a great funny thing because he thought the surgery was going to be recorded so he had them say “Uhh Yeah Dude for life” and other things like “Mr. Steal Your Girl getting a knee surgery.”
50:43 – Jah remembers he owned the first Korn record when it came out.
1:01:10 – Jah’s mom had medical records sold to the National Enquirer when she was in the hospital giving birth to Jah’s brother, Ben. Reports directly from the hospital were saying that she had breast cancer.
8:16 – Jah has broken California law by eating an orange in the bath before.
21:56 – In reference to Seth’s segment on dreams last week (Episode 259, 44:39), Jah says he had a bizarre recurring thing when he was a kid where he would wake up from a dream, and somehow from being in that dream state, upon waking up he would know his parents were downstairs and would go to the top of the stairs, sit and listen to them talk. He would be literally paralyzed from going downstairs because he was convinced that they removed their faces when he went to bed at night, and similar to the TV show V they had “meat faces.” He couldn’t bear to see them like that so he stayed upstairs in his conscious state where the reality from his dream had crystallized.
23:50 – When Jah was very young, he went to visit his sister’s grandparents. His sister is his mother’s child and not his father’s, biologically speaking. Her father passed away but J-dawg’s mom and she stayed very close with his parents. When Jah was a kid, he would go up and stay with them because he had a grandmother in England and one in New Orleans, but no grandfathers – so hers was the only grandfather figure he had as a kid. They would go visit them in Eugene, Ore., every so often. Unbeknownst to Jah at the time, his sister’s grandmother was going through chemotherapy and he had no idea she wore a wig. One morning he woke up and walked down, and saw her with a crazy old lady bald patchy chemo head, and it was so skeletal that Jonathan freaked out about it.
52:11 – Jah ran into an old friend today who he hadn’t seen in so long. He has a son and the kid is now 14. The last time he saw the kid he was about 4 years old. He wanted Jah to come with him to drop off lacrosse equipment for his son. Jah got in the car and they drove there. His son comes up and it freaked Jah out to see a fully-grown pimply faced teen. The dad has an open dialogue with the kid about sex, and he told Jah that he doesn’t seem to actually be that interested. Jah said that the novelty for kids coming up nowadays has been removed, and it’s almost time for another wave of gentility to come around. Jah would love to see an internet generation of pseudo-Quakers come around.
59:43 – Jah remembers smoking on a transcontinental flight circa 1990 on a flight to England. He remembers getting looks from people who were annoyed that he wanted to get his smoke on.
3:43 – Seth ran a bath, lit some votives and reflected on where he’s been. He curled up with Sarah Brokaw’s new book, “Fortytude: Making the Next Decades the Best Years of Your Life, Through the 40s, 50s and Beyond.” Seth slowly slid into the tub and tried to inhale as much water as possible before his body forced him out.
4:45 – Jah stares at people all the time. Amir calls him “Stare Bug” because of this inquisitive habit that he has. He’s also slightly paranoid and has a fear of missing something, so he gets a little transfixed with looking at people. His girlfriend commented the other day because Jonathan was looking at a table at the deli with his whole body turned toward them, and she had to say, “Jonathan!” to get his attention. She watched as he would agree with things that were said at their table and nodding in agreement as his facial expressions changed.
7:40 – Jah watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind last night. He said it was pretty epic still. Seth, in turn, watched Hall Pass.
11:35 – Seth received some reponses from women about “Peeping Tonyas,” regarding what would cause them to be sexually aroused watching from afar. The No. 1 response seemed to be men having a solo session by themselves, not while watching porn and being crazy perved out. Jah seemed to get quite a few responses from ladies saying they enjoyed man being “manly,” doing construction or yardwork, etc. It made Jah feel a little self-conscious because he’s not very handy and the best he can do is put an Ikea desk together.
17:10 – Jah admits to Seth that he likes Cheladas. He says it takes drinking about eight of them before he can develop a taste for it. In a market on the west side they sell Styrofoam cups covered in cellophane and they’re 85 cents. They’re covered in the cayenne pepper, salt mixture, etc., and you get a beer separately to pour into it. Jah wishes Seth could have a Chelada because he thinks he might like it. He says the bad part is that it has Clamato in it (Episode 084, 4:25), but the first one or two are the only ones that taste clammy.
25:33 – When Seth was at The Grove seeing Hall Pass, he walked in and some cameras were filming with Mario Lopez there. He just punched himself and kept walking.
34:43 – Just to recap, Seth doesn’t have a cell phone or an e-mail address. Jah explains that there are a lot of people who are bored, and they utilize that boredom by putting misinformation out in the world as opposed to checking their facts. The same amount of time it would take for you to poorly answer a question within the community, it takes you to run for 3 weeks with false information. Seth also explains that he can’t call out of the country because the people in Montreal, Mexico City and London wanted some return correspondence and it’s outside of Seth’s technological capabilities. He has some type of block on the phone that he can’t call outside of the U.S. … Jah said another rumor started this week that the show was ending in two weeks.
39:09 – A guy called the UYD voicemail and claimed that he had never seen a female peeping tom, but what about a female arsonist? Because male firemen come to put out the fire and it’s an erotic calendar of awesomeness.
3:32 – Seth isn’t sure how many miles he averages per day driving his Sundance, but he says he will try to calculate that and get back to Jah. Seth is still perplexed by cars having computers in them because he rolls his window up himself.
5:08 – Jah can’t drive a stick shift. He can’t tie a bow tie either, although he can tie a regular tie because he went to a private school that required them for assemblies.
5:48 – Jah is curious about Seth’s gas mileage because his is crazy – it averages 12-14 gallons. It’s an older SUV and he spends all his money on food, coffee and gas – thinks that make him go.
11:20 – Jah talks about going to a bachelor party in Las Vegas years ago (Episode 252, 48:00). He lost a good chunk of money on his way there when they stopped for gas at the state line. While somebody was getting gas and a snack, Jah ran into the casino and managed to lose over $1,000 after being there just a few minutes. He lost the rest of his money the first night he got to Vegas and then was basically flat-out broke. A couple other people at the bachelor party were also broke and so they came up with an idea to play Bingo at the Gold Coast Casino, where it’s only $7 a game and you can win quite a bit of money. They got there and there were all these old people with computers called TEDS, which allow you to play up to 40 games at once and so your odds of winning rise exponentially. Jah won $500 back from playing Bingo.
17:25 – The only time Jah ever saw Stevie Wonder was at an NAACP fundraiser at the Wiltern. They hadn’t raised as much money as they thought going in, so he announced that there would be buckets going around and played a money-raising medley and all of a sudden Jah saw crazy cash being thrown into these buckets. Seth saw Stevie at Stand Up To Cancer when Stevie was on a golf cart.
18:11 – Jah was at a bar this week, standing and waiting for an alcoholic beverage – probably a Stoli and pineapple. There was a giant television behind the bar above the booze, and Blade Runner was on. There was a guy in front of him who was maybe in his early 20s, and he was watching the scene and asked the bartender what movie it was. The bartender, Jack, replies, “Blade Runner, you know, 1982.” The guy replies, “Yeah, little before my time.” Jack says, “Yeah it’s a good movie, I think it grows on you after a while.” Guy replies, “Yeah yeah yeah, a cult classic,” as Harrison Ford walks across the screen.
27:49 – Seth received a family radio pamphlet that is telling him the end of the world is happening May 21, except it says “Spring Issue 2011.” Seth thinks it should say “Final Issue.”
28:37 – The same night J-dawg met his cult classic homeboy, he met a traveler/shaman who had just returned from seeing his kids in Hawaii. He talked about how he got his wife pregnant when they were living in northern California, etc. He’s originally from the East Coast so he travels a lot. He started talking about sacred geometry and shows Jah what he’s been writing and his 9-day calendar. He said “They talk about 2012, are you kidding me? Good luck getting through this summer.”
46:26 – Jah’s dad would always say “Cut another finger, mommy” to Jonathan when he was being all gimme-gimme. It stemmed from a mother and daughter who were trapped under an apartment building for a long time following an earthquake and she started letting the daughter feed off the blood in her finger. After a while the finger died, so the daughter said “Cut another finger, mommy.”
51:09 – Jah sees Paula Poundstone once a week because they shop in the same market. Jah also wonders if other people say “market” or “grocery store.” Jah said Paula is always wearing suspenders while being with five of her multiple kids.
55:05 – Jah has been speaking with a friend about a brief but somewhat intense interaction he had with a girl recently. She’s brand-new to LA with a new place and new car and new job. Things were totally great for 48 hours, then he got a wishy-washy text and she dropped off the face of the earth. The tailspin he went into was based on nothing other than communication outside of the realm of one-on-one communication.
2:17 – Jonathan can not stop getting recognized on the street. This show is making him so famous. He is so popular and everybody recognizes him everywhere he goes.
3:10 – Seth was in Larchmont and the Girl Scouts were getting aggressive with their tactics.
29:11 – Seth thinks the first music he purchased was “I’m Bad” by LL Cool J. He thinks he may have purchased it as a cassette single at Sam Goody. Jah remembers he bought “Our House” by Madness on a 7-inch vinyl. The first CD he ever bought was Slayer’s South of Heaven.
35:15 – Seth found one Blockbuster on La Brea and Wilshire. Each individual store says “Store Closing – just this location.”
46:39 – Somebody told Jah this week that many, many episodes ago, they decided they were going to quit at Episode 262. Seth assumes this must have been agreed upon during Episode 131 (57:20).
55:10 – Jah circles back to the story of his arrest last year. The only other time he was arrested was when he was a minor. Seth remembers trying to find the edition of The National Enquirer that featured Jonathan in it for one of J-dawg’s birthday, but the Enquirer building had to be cleared out of all its archives during an anthrax scare (Episode 035, 18:14; and Episode 110, 52:09). When he was arrested, the officer asked him if he’d ever been arrested before. Jah said no, but everyone else he was booked with was arrested. Jah could see the disbelief in the officer’s eyes when he answered that way, but then he moved on.
56:40 – During the anthrax scare, Seth’s friend Sam Ball sent Seth a small package that contained only an Anthrax CD (Episode 057, 47:21).
1:06:12 – Jah thinks his friend Dimitri got a tattoo of the Fibonacci Sequence on his arm today because he’s at South by Southwest and there are free tattoos.
1:12:32 – Seth still owns a fax machine. Jah thinks this is because Seth used to be an actor and used to have sides faxed to him. Except Seth says he read the sides and didn’t get work, except for one little movie called Crossroads. Seth and Jah then discuss Britney Spears coming out with a new album.
17:39 – Jonathan never met Tommy Hilfiger, but he met his brother who was running a lot of the business at that time. He met him in New York City with his dad when they were brought to the factory headquarters. Jah thinks his dad was in town doing SNL. They both got some gear. Jah doesn’t remember how exactly it transpired, but he wound up later on in life when he was stretching out his earlobes and he went to the Beverly Hills Tommy Hilfiger store about 15 years ago. He reintroduced himself to Tommy’s brother, who saw Jah’s plugs and asked him what was going on. There were some cute girls on the floor, and he called them over to stand in a semicircle and look at J-dawg’s ears. One of them was like “Eww!” and another asked him, “Why did you do that?!” Jonathan was uncomfortable.
23:05 – Seth has a Universal Studios annual pass from when he saw King Kong, which is coming up on its one-year anniversary (Episode 229, 40:48). He can’t believe he got duped.
27:51 – Seth wants to know how the cigarette companies wooed him. Jah says his first cigarette was a Camel unfiltered cigarette, thanks to his old man.
33:39 – Jah remembers talking to his friend Nate, whose dad is from Michigan and his dad was a working class auto worker – just like everyone else in his town. He lives out here in LA now and manages a store, and the amount of money it cost him to deal with his wife’s sickness before she died, plus her funeral, cleaned him out and forced him to work until his body is breaking down to die.
41:13 – In 2004, Jonathan performed “Sweet Child Of Mine” at a packed karaoke bar in Burbank, Calif., called Dimples, and the place exploded. Seth witnessed it firsthand as Jah pulled some snake-like serpentine Axl Rose moves. J-dawg then admits he performed the same song at Drew Barrymore and Tom Green’s wedding in Malibu. Jonathan came on stage right after Jared Leto and Courtney Love performed a song together that was a complete train wreck. Seth tries to figure out which other celebrities were in attendance. Jonathan remembers Courtney Love heckling Tom Green during his awkward speech.
50:40 – Jah drank an Irish Car Bomb on St. Patty’s Day. He only drank one.
45:24 – Jah was looking at some families the other day at a place he’s not going to mention, and when he looks at some dads now he realize that dads are wearing Famous Stars and Straps shirts and crazy True Religion jeans.
51:28 – Seth had lice once when he was a little kid at a baseball practice. His mom said she saw him take off the baseball helmet and start scratching his hair profusely. There was another kid on his team that had lice and gave it to him through shared helmets. Jonathan also had lice from going to a weird Scientology pre-school to a weird Montessori school and interacting with the kids there (Episode 039, 39:35; Episode 132, 52:49; and Episode 142, 52:19).
53:00 – Jonathan would estimate that he washes his hands 10 times a day. He deals with dogs and their food. Jah brushes his teeth twice a day but doesn’t floss.
54:15 – J-dawg has to get a root canal on one of his teeth and has to get a crown put in the front of his mouth.
59:50 – Jah and Seth always talk about blind or deaf, and J-dawg happened to be watching a documentary called Sound and Fury about deaf children who get cochlear implants. The two brothers have a recessive gene in their family and have children who are also deaf. The other brother hears but his wife grew up in a deaf family and can hear, but their child is born with the same disease. The deaf parents decide against putting a cochlear implant in their kid and keeping him in the deaf world, while the other couple almost gets excommunicated from the deaf community for deciding to give their child a cochlear implant. Through watching this doc, Jonathan realized that he has an aversion to any medical devices/add-ons to the body that have a flesh-toned color to them – they immediately make him queasy. Something about the color seriously bothers him.
11:10 – Jonathan had a conversation with Richard Grieco when he worked at a dog store back in the day. Grieco did every Nissan voiceover for the last 10 years, which surprised Jonathan.
12:58 – Listeners have already come up to Jonathan and Seth at the live show and said “I don’t mean this to sound creepy or anything, but I already drove by the studio.”
13:08 – Seth walked out of his apartment and found a flyer on his car: WE BUY JUNK CARS. IN ANY CONDITION. CRASHED, BURNED IN ANY AREA. WE PAY $150-800 DEPENDING ON THE YEAR. Seth did the math and figured 18-year-olds were laughing at him with that ride, but then imagined they will be driving 2013 clunkers 20 years from now and people will be laughing at them.
17:25 – Jah and his girlfriend were in the middle of a transaction at the outlet malls buying clothes at Saks 5th Off. He’s wearing a pair of the white Versaces he bought there. When they called Wells Fargo to figure out what was going on, the guy on the other end was explaining that the entire debit system disappeared.
22:19 – Seth had dinner at the Saddle Ranch Chop House before he went to a bachelor party at the Hyatt House he went to.
24:58 – Jah has eaten a squirrel. He did it in survival camp. He shot one with a .22 rifle and cooked it and ate it. The only other time he killed vermin was when he went on a faux hunting trip with his dad to shoot prairie dogs (Episode 141, 56:42). When he would shoot them, they would just explode into a red mist. The “Red Mist Club” was for crack shots who could explode a prairie dog from 500 yards. Jah didn’t eat meat for about 14 years after that.
32:35 – Jah asks if the people who got into a car accident on the way to the live show are there right now. They are, which J-dawg thinks is awesome.
35:10 – Jah went to a Cocaine Anonymous Convention in Palm Springs once. It was the worst.
46:16 – Seth had to use a different microphone tonight, which made him uncomfortable
46:52 – Seth and Jonathan’s efforts to get female listeners to call in and report on their “dirty fantasies” with male masseuses and wanting to get happy endings (Episode 265, 34:50) were unsuccessful. Most girls called in to the UYD voicemail saying that dudes are the worst which is why they’re into that sort of thing.
54:05 – Jah thinks it worked out oddly with he and Seth. Seth used to be a dirty ass drunk and Jah knew him when he was like that. He thought he was going to die. Jah was mad sober back then and now he’s sort of a dirty ass drunk. He loves his beers now.
58:02 – Jah went to Knott’s Berry Farm and he hadn’t been to a theme park or roller coaster since he was 13 or 14 years old. He went with his girlfriend and two other friends of theirs. He was completely petrified to get on a roller coaster. He thought it would either be fine or triple worst. There were times when it was both – he realized it wasn’t scary anymore and also that he could possibly die. Toward the end of the day it was dying down and they decided to ride a coaster they had already been on once. At the front of the line he sees a gingy dude wearing an Antoine Dodson t-shirt and his girlfriend, a huge girl. The coaster track is above them and the car comes around, and the harness is one that comes over top of your head. Jah looks at this girl and thinks there’s no way she’s going to fit in the restraint. She attempts to get in and her boyfriend tries to buckle her harness, and there’s a huge gap of time. All of a sudden the chatter died down and it was dead silent. Every single person is looking at her with horror. It was one of the most uncomfortable situations he had ever been in. She didn’t get in that car but they had one made for fatties on the other side that she got into. At no point did J-dawg ever see any embarrassment or acknowledgment on the girl’s face of what was going on.
1:10:25 – Jah wants to talk to us about the gayest experience he’s ever had. This recently came into his mind this week and he began thinking about it in a way that he hadn’t in a while. He worked at a body piercing shop when he was 18 years old. He became friends with a guy who had long hair and was a very successful body piercer. Jah had just turned 18 years old and this guy was in his late 20s. They had several things in common – including both having dicks and listening to techno music. They hung out for a month or two casually, and he had expressed to Jah that he was a fruit. Jah replied that he had made out with another dude in high school but that was about it – he was completely straight. Jonathan was at his house one time, and there was ongoing banter about gay topics. He would always explain to him that he wasn’t into dudes. Through some sequence of events and shifty talk, Jah winds up – in order to try to prove the non-gayness – to cuddle with him in a bed for a certain length of time. The guy was wearing sweatpants. Whenever this shitty 10-minute spooning event was over, J-dawg felt awkward and went to get up, and when the guy got up, he had the biggest boner J-dawg had ever seen. It was just about the last time Jonathan ever saw him or talked to him. He realized after he started recounting the story that this guy was never his friend. He was a person who wanted to turn Jah out at 18 years old and he preyed on him. He wound up jerking off a friend of Jonathan’s who wasn’t gay either. Jah realizes after an audience member uses the term that he got “gay grifted.”
15:06 – Seth was in Whole Foods and saw Marilu Henner (Episode 251, 51:09). He approached her and spun around her carriage, saying “Let’s test that super memory. Where’d we meet?” He wonders if she remembered seeing him at LAX. He gives her a hint that they were discussing food and it’s a place you can’t really get food. It then hits her and she says, “It was the airport. We were discussing soup.” At that time she was headed to San Francisco to do a live show.
20:33 – Jah’s dad is from New Orleans and they get updates from family and relatives fairly often about what the city’s like post-Hurricane Katrina. Since Katrina, the city has become overrun with feral chickens. There are no more stray dogs wandering the neighborhoods. The chickens descended from domesticated fowl that escaped from backyard coops during or after the storm.
31:51 – Jah doesn’t know if this is telling because of his current life state or psychology or if it has something to do with the world, but Jonathan has not heard the new Radiohead record.
42:42 – Jah didn’t understand Eric Bana’s accent in Hanna when he went to see it this week. He thinks it might be German.
56:14 – Jah was going through a photo blog on Rolling Stone when he was reading the UYD fluff piece, and there were 20 pictures of Kurt Cobain that were never really seen before. There was a picture of him in an apartment on his stomach with socks on living in Hollywood. On the table, there’s industry music mags with Def Leppard on the cover. It reminded J-dawg that Nirvana changed everything and wiped away all the old shit bands from the 80s.
1:00:12 – Seth was super nervous during the live Episode 266. As an example of how nervous he was, they were talking about Thai lady boys and all he wanted to do was make a Pete Townshend reference and couldn’t do it because he was so jittery up there. Jah understands and says you take everything you know and imagine that cut in half – that’s where your brain functions are at when you get into a situation like that.
4:20 – Jah talks bout Pavilions and Vons grocers, who have the most colorful cross-section of employees. They both have a strong mental handicapped program, and Jah frequently sees bag boys with Down’s syndrome. Jah thinks they also have a strong outpatient program where people are just getting off their feet and out of a halfway house. Jah hangs out in those stores much longer than he needs to.
7:48 – Jah didn’t realize that Pete Postlethwaite has been dead since January. The last time Jah was in London he had a very brief interaction with him. Jah was walking through a construction site and had to step aside for Pete to pass by him. He didn’t realize it was him until he was right in his face. In Jah’s typical style, he just says the guy’s name when he’s right in his face: “PETE POSTLETHWAITE.” (Episode 110, 19:20; Episode 133, 8:47)
15:43 – Jah went to Coachella. He didn’t rough it. He partied pretty well.
18:36 – One time Seth had to sleep over at his grandmother’s house, and the movie American Gigolo was on. There was a scene where the dude was hanging upside down and doing sit-ups and it really weirded Seth out.
21:02 – Jah announces that he is no longer on probation. It answered yesterday, on 4/20 – the same date that Seth got sober.
21:46 – Seth received some literature in the mail called “Hercolubus” or “Red Planet.” According to V.M. Rabolu, this is some realness. “What I am affirming in this book is a prophecy that will be fulfilled very shortly because I am certain about the end of the planet. I know it. I am not frightening, but warning, because I am distressed about this poor humanity. These events will not be long in coming and there is no time to waste with illusory things. So I have written this book with great sacrifice lying in bed, unable to stand or to sit up. But seeing the need to warn humanity of the coming catastsrophe, I made a great effort. I dedicate this message to humanity as a last resort because there is nothing else.”
25:25 – Jah went out last night and a girl that was out with them said she kept smelling weed everywhere, then she finally realized it was 4/20. Even J-dawg hadn’t realized it was 4/20. He guesses it’s still important to some people. Seth thinks they should have a cocaine holiday and just call it “Christmas.”
28:09 – Jah was once a young, sober 17- or 18-year-old teenager and was asked to speak at a panel to share his experience. He was flanked by two other speakers on the panel. It was David Crosby on his right and Rob Lowe on his left. Jah doesn’t even remember what he said but he remembers looking around and thinking, “What the fuck am I doing here?” Being a bored sober person at the time, Jah had gotten into Cuban cigars. Lowe was a Cuban cigar guy himself, so he remembers chatting to him about Cohibas.
45:25 – Jonathan saw Jackson Browne perform “Running on Empty” at the Black-Eyed Peas Grammy party he went to earlier this year. Then Cali Swag came out and performed “Teach Me How to Dougie.” Jah declares that it was a crazy party.
57:13 – Jah almost got turned away the last time he went through a border patrol checkpoint in Canada. He didn’t have the proper paperwork to show that he was on an unrestricted probation and was allowed to travel. They were brutal with him and he was there for hours trying to work through it. He also had the best question he’s ever been asked, coming back into America, the border patrol guy asked, “Is there any medical marijuana in the car?” Everyone answered no, then his next question was, “Any regular marijuana?” Everyone fell out laughing, which was almost a tell anyway, but the guy was dead serious when asking those questions.
1:01:01 – Jonathan and Seth saw 2 Fast 2 Furious together at Universal Citywalk, and Jah wonders if they could see Fast 5 there together as well. Seth reminds Jonathan that on that day, a coked-up pilot flying a small engine plane crashed into an apartment complex on Melrose and Fairfax next to Fairfax High School and killed everyone on the plane. Jonathan’s dear friend Jessica was on board (Episode 162, 39:47).
1:03:14 – Jonathan and Seth saw Minority Report in the theater. Someone stood up and shouted “Shame on you, Spielberg!” before walking out (Episode 051, 36:35; Episode 129, 15:42; and Episode 149, 11:10).
6:39 – Jah wonders if he told the story about being at the Ivy when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes showed up for a brief meal and Jah’s mom got hammered (Episode 093, 22:21).
34:35 – Seth was at Whole Foods and didn’t see the customer communication cards posted up. He asked the manager about it and the manager didn’t think they had them any more. He told Seth there was a card last year that said, “Why do you insist on playing that Mexican music so loud for everyone in the store to hear?” The response was, “It’s Cinco de Mayo.”
34:40 – Jah’s girlfriend, last night, talking about Cinco de Mayo, said, “Hasn’t Cinco de Mayo already happened?”
43:21 – Jah was at the rave they threw in order to film the end-of-the-world rave in the movie Strange Days. They blocked off 6 city blocks in downtown. They had extras set up in military tanks.
58:48 – Jah has definitely dipped back into the fast food world again since he started eating meat. He admits that there’s something crazy to feeling like that afterwards and having spent $4 because it makes him think this is the way food should be. That’s the only reason Jah thinks you should be able to regulate some of the basic necessities you need to make foods.
2:01 – Jonathan is getting on a red eye and going to the Big Apple (the “Big City”) to see a Tony-nominated actor work his magic on Broadway – Papa Jah. Jonathan is excited to go, now that it’s no longer a parole violation for him to do so.
2:41 – Jonathan is smoking Benson & Hedges 100 Premium cigarettes.
6:07 – Jonathan had a couple of experiences on the night of bin Laden’s death. J-dawg had the information texted to him by a UYD listener before he heard anything else. When he went to verify it, he went to Google and the only place he could find any mention of it were from people’s Twitter accounts. Jah had time to send an inappropriate text to Amir (“I’m sorry for your loss.”) before the news was even carrying the story. Then all of a sudden Jonathan was getting texts from listeners saying they were at Ground Zero wearing their UYD t-shirts. J-dawg wanted to see how pro-America it was getting in Los Angeles, so he and Dimitri chose to go down to their local watering hole, Renee’s, that night. It was an acoustic set kind of night, and every person Jonathan came across in person or on TV was asking if he heard about the news.
14:08 – Seth had a Kyocera cell phone (Episode 012, 34:20) that weighed a pound and a half. He still has it.
20:35 – There’s a guy who listens to UYD named Seth Green, he had a Twitter handle @SethGreen. The actor Seth Green approached him and asked him to give him his Twitter handle, and he hooked him up and Seth Green sent the guy merch. Seth and Jah can’t figure out the movie he was in where he played a hip-hop high schooler (Can’t Hardly Wait).
44:41 – The same week when Jah found out Pete Postlethwaite was dead (Episode 268, 7:48), he came home and Jah’s girlfriend was watching In the Name of the Father, and she talked about how good PP was in it, and she watched him die in the movie and was so bummed.
54:24 – Jah ate at one of his restaurants while he was on tour with Jogger. It was a truck stop kind of town but there was a suburban area with a mini mall where they found his restaurant. The food wasn’t bad – it was a Houston’s vibe with decadent American food.
57:06 – Seth saw Jon Hamm’s girlfriend in Larchmont walking with her friend, and Seth went loco. He also saw Matthew Weiner, the creator of Mad Men, in Larchmont, then saw Vincent Kartheiser and Jessica Paré – Don Draper’s new wife that he married the last episode of Season 4.
1:01:53 – When Seth was a kid, he got on Jay Frasca’s (sp?) (Episode 017, 54:07) back and jumped and then he broke his wrist. His mom grabbed him in the supermarket and he screamed because his wrist was broken.
1:02:04 – Jonathan’s brother started walking before he had any verbal skills or any common sense of the physical world. There were a couple months where he was on a tear because he could motor but didn’t understand walls kept him from the next room.
1:06:00 – Jonathan talks about how the desert is crazy. It’s a hot place and you get heat pockets/air pockets. When he used to go to boarding school in Sedona, he would take a little putt-putt plane he would take from Phoenix to Sedona and vice versa. The pockets make you drop suddenly by about 300 feet. Jah says it’s such a horrible feeling – it’s the same feeling people who crash and die feel before they crash and die. The only difference is the pilot gets on the comm. and says “Whoa, sorry about that.” Jah says you can’t drop onto anything tight enough to make the feeling of your body doing that OK. Jah used to get fucked up before he got on those planes so his body was belligerent. It would only be him and like 4 old golfers staring at him.
18:44 – Seth asks Jah how his trip to NYC was, with his Broadway experience. Jah enjoyed his early NYC summer.
44:53 – Jah broke a musical artist to Seth tonight. Her name is Lady. Peep her. J-dawg is a fan, for sure.
47:20 – Jah has a few early memories from his childhood. He doesn’t remember his birth, but he knows people who do. He also knows people who didn’t, but went through rebirthing sessions and claim it brings back that memory of their birth.
48:32 – Seth remembers being 3 years old and looking at the house that he grew up in. He recalls looking at a candy dish. He’s going to tell his mother where it was in their living room and see if she confirms it.
5:07 – One of the last times Seth got shitfaced (Episode 033, 47:22), he had chugged a Boba drink before, and he barfed up 30 boba balls in somebody’s apartment onto a jacket. This reminds Jonathan that Seth once puked up marachino cherries into someone’s bathtub (Episode 033, 48:25).
15:09 – Seth was with a bunch of people and they were playing with an iPad app that takes your photo and shows you what you look like when you’re old. All of them were really funny but they looked bogus. Seth didn’t want his photo to be taken, but he finally got browbeat into it. His picture was so authentically old that it has been terrifying him all week long. He looks sad, he looks tired and it looked real. One person walked backwards out of the room because they were so haunted by it.
33:21 – Jah was standing outside of Starbucks yesterday and was tying his dogs up before he went inside to get coffee. He saw a mother pushing two kids in a stroller. There’s a part of him that feels as though if the kid can talk, he should not be allowed to be in a stroller. As she went by, the kid was yelling “Ohhh, come on! I want Starbucks!” She was too young to want coffee. Jah was in there and noticed they serve mini chocolate lollipops. The barista admitted to J-dawg that they’re for little kids.
45:32 – Jah’s first experience talking to somebody about past lives was when he was a kid at a scientology pre-school. Another SciTi kid there told J-dawg about his past life being an alien slaying monsters in a galactic universe.
57:51 – Jah had a friend in early high school who called him shortly after having dropped LSD and was having a difficult go of it. Jah lived close to him and snuck out of his house and went over to his house. When he got there (Jah had sworn off LSD at this point in his life having had a traumatic experience shortly before), he is lying in his bed, holding his chest and breathing heavily. He tells Jah that there are little crabs in his chest. Jah tells him he’s hallucinating, but he keeps picking at himself. He tells the guy to take off his shirt, and he takes it off and yells “SEE! SEE! I fuckin’ told you man!” Jah asks him if he has any more acid, and so Jah drops with him, and it takes about half an hour to an hour, and trips with him to make it through it together. He said one thing to Jah that stuck with Jah forever: “You look like a crazy mother.” Jah has never shaken that, and on a regular basis looks at himself in the mirror and thinks that.
1:03:07 – Jah watched 8 Mile in its entirety two days ago while doing some shipping of UYD merchandise. Jah also watched Jurassic Park 3 and Independence Day.
5:36 – Jah thinks he built his own pizza online with Amir once.
16:14 – Dimitri is in a state of hard physical training, and he walked Jah into a GNC the other day because he’s looking for a supplement. J-dawg couldn’t believe how much everything cost in there. Everyone was shaved, waxed and tanned. The girls that work there are hustlers. One of them comes over to ask D if he knew what he wanted, and he tells her he’s just browsing. Another guy comes over to ask her for help, and she tells him what he needs. He tells her that he was taking one of the things she recommended, and his doctor told him to stop immediately. She cuts him off and says, “Yeah yeah yeah, I know, the one you were taking, it’s this one – that one shuts your liver down.” One of the products Jah and D looked at was called Ridiculous Pump.
26:04 – Jah’s friend was interviewing for a bigtime job in advertising and was given an assignment in the interview to make a pitch. The proposal was for a beverage company launching a new social network tech-conscious campaign. The three bullet points were 1) 18-26 year olds, 2) Hispanics, 3) U.S. residents only. They basically told the person that this demographic was not brand loyal and the only way to retain them is to have them commit personal information and sign up.
33:36 – Seth is noticing that the kids today are all paranoid and don’t trust anything coming down from the top.
52:15 – Jah lives in a rent-controlled neighborhood, so there’s a lot of mad olds who don’t have any responsibilities and they’re koo-koo beans.
1:01:31 – Jah was just down near Arcadia by Monterey Park. D takes a kung fu class down there and J-dawg went with him. He said it was mental because there were a lot of hispanics and he got off the freeway, made a left and realized it was all Chinese.
1:07:00 – Jah remembers some old crazy dude telling him when he was a kid that Ronald Reagan had the mark of the beast on the back of his neck. Jah’s dad knew some crazy people.
2:12 – Some dude called the UYD voicemail and said he liked the show, but it took him a while. He recommended that Jonathan and Seth explain to the people what it is so they can understand it better.
2:51 – Seth took out his original Bo Jackson cross trainers out of the box that he never opened. He bought them in Methuen, Mass., at size 10 ½ when he was a kid thinking one day he would fit into them.
3:17 – Jonathan remembers getting Nike Revolutions, which people used to get shot for back in the day. He feels like he’s too old to wear sneakers nowadays, however.
4:12 – Jonathan just returned from NYC again. He loves it and there’s a lot of crazy things that happen there. One of the things is that street style and hip-hop culture has permeated the entire infrastructure there to a point where you see dishwashers from a Chinese restaurant with the cleanest pair of Air Maxes on. Jonathan was on a plane on his way back to Los Angeles. He didn’t see any celebrities, but he watched two movies on the flight. He watched Rango and Never Say Never. Jah was totally down with Never Say Never and Bieber’s gentle heart. He had an open seat between himself and the woman in the aisle seat. He put his bag in the window seat and went to the bathroom, and he gets back and the woman is sitting in the aisle seat, and he stands there for a solid minute waiting for the portly lady to get up, and there’s zero response. He finally gets her attention, and she awkwardly apologizes and gets up. About an hour into the movie, Jonathan realizes that his aisle partner is watching the same movie. Then he realizes that she does some ticky things. One of the things consisted of her popping her feet out of her karate-esque shoes, and there seems to be a lot of separation between her toenail and the nailbed. He then starts seeing some hand tics from her, and realizes it’s actually beats from the Bieber songs, and he looks at her and she’s singing along mouthing the lyrics to all his songs. She had to be 45-50 years old. She had very long black hair, and she would pull three strands out and obsessively separate each one, grab another three strands and do the same. It was a 5 ½ hour flight, and she ordered 5 cans of Diet Coke. Each time she would get the cup of ice and the can, but pour the ice into a bigger cup she had and sip out of the fountain cup. She would also mouth the dialogue to television that she hadn’t seen, so she had no idea where she was going with the mouthing. Jonathan also enjoyed watching Rango
16:57 – Jonathan clarifies a story from a couple weeks ago about Seth Green’s Twitter account (Episode 270, 14:08). The UYD listener named Seth Green actually reached out to the real Seth Green to see if he wanted to use his otherwise nonexistent account. The actor Seth Green appreciated the gesture and sent him free swag in return.
33:15 – Right after UYD finished last week’s episode, Seth received mail from Family Life Radio. It was the Family Radio Scripture of the Week, which covered the Summer of 2011 all the way through to October. It was printed pre-rapture.
38:43 – Dimitri tried to get Jonathan to go a topless steakhouse/strip joint in Portland. The guy who owns it also owns a crazy organic beef ranch.
54:10 – Jonathan almost got Seth a $40 shirt in NYC. It was a full-body photo print of Jeter hitting a ball in HD. It wrapped around the entire shirt and J-dawg thought it was so nice.
20:08 – Jonathan claims he hasn’t gotten grifted in a while. All it takes is a good convincing story and he’s in.
38:16 – Seth’s Woodstock, Woodstock 2, was dope. Jah always thinks someone got raped during a Limp Bizkit show there, but that was the third Woodstock. Jah’s dad did not go to the original Woodstock, but his mom did. She says it was disgusting.
58:52 – Jah has been traveling a bit lately. He wasn’t down with a lot of it. He found it surprising that they marked down the time it took him to get through check-in and go through security. He also couldn’t believe how few agents they had in the airport during the low-traffic times. Jah thinks that if you enjoyed the flight/pilot you had, you should be able to enter in the information and stay with that preferred pilot throughout all your travels. Seth thinks you should be able to do that with stewardesses. Jah reveals that there is a JetBlue pilot who is also a UYD listener. He came to the live show in Santa Monica.
1:07:01 – UYD got an e-mail from a listener who discretely listened to UYD during a mass at the Vatican in front of the Pope.
3:25 – Jonathan’s dad’s cousin is a firefighter down in New Orleans. They went down to his house years ago for Fourth of July and bought a bunch of fireworks from one of those crazy huts where you can get them in bulk. He had special fireworks that he and his firefighter buddies would build every year – they called them Silver Kings. They were like M-80s with a quarter-stick of dynamite in them and were the loudest thing ever. Jah’s dad smuggled them back to LA and every year they would fire a few off at Fourth of July. They were so loud they would hurt J-dawg’s ear drums.
9:46 – Jah was just speaking to a friend of the show who was on tour in Amsterdam, so a new law there about not allowing in foreigners must have just gone into effect.
30:29 – Jah finds it to be a common occurrence to find a crazy homeless person with a cell phone. He sees it quite a bit now even though they try to keep it low-pro.
49:17 – Jonathan was talking to a mortgage broker at Bank of America. The original mortgage he got was with Countrywide, which was bought by B of A when Countrywide was bleeding. The house he co-owns with his ex-wife is a bit of a conundrum right now, because she’s been in it for a period of time and is no longer going to be in it. Selling it doesn’t make any sense because of how much money they would lose, and taking it over doesn’t make any sense because it appears to be rapidly depleting in value. The broker was going through a loan modification of his own, and said B of A currently has 2 million homes in foreclosure across the U.S.
17:33 – Jonathan hosted a slumber party once at his house, and they decided to pull a prank on the first kid to fall asleep early. They poured warm water in his hand and spit in it as well, and proceeded to smell his ass and sleeping bag to see if he had pissed himself.
38:21 – Jonathan got jumped once by a group of guys in Honolulu. They were guys from Oakland who were in town for a show. He got punched in the head a bunch but not stabbed. He was 17 years old and he was stretching out his earlobes actively at that point. He had a plug and they punched it out of his ear. He had just gone up a size and it was very painful – a bloody gushing hole going down his neck. He managed to run and get away from them. There were dudes who J-dawg knew who just walked by and acted like they weren’t going to get involved.
47:19 – Jah was sitting in Santa Monica last night two blocks away from where they caught Whitey. Everyone was at a bar talking about it and Rebel Without A Cause was playing on the TV above the bar. J-dawg was standing there with Dimitri, and James Dean in the movie goes to high school at SaMo High, where D actually went. They go to the Observatory in the movie as well. The LA in that movie was so crazy, and Jah realizes it was exactly the same then as it is right now.
50:19 – Jonathan wants to know if Seth knows any man who has caused minor physical harm to a girl in order to try to engage them in some sort of conversation. Seth says he definitely does.
1:00:29 – Jonathan’s friend, a lesbian, has Grindr on her iPad. She set up a fake profile with a hunky-looking guy and a dick pic so she can look at it when she’s home and start messaging and chatting. She sets up dates to meet with them and never shows up. Through that process she’s gotten a grip of info and pics sent back and forth. It was the first time he’d ever seen Grindr in action. It was crazy.
1:02:10 – Seth, after watching his friends use Grindr, claims there’s nothing more bone-chilling or life affirming when they watch the tracker get closer and closer and closer and closer and then a person appears and everyone’s dead silent and he’s like, “That’s the person.” It gets real.
28:06 – Seth saw a movie on Wednesday at 9 a.m. called Transformers: Dark of the Moon, in 3-D. Seth said it was a feat to make it through the entire movie. On Wednesday night he went to the Orpheum Theatre for the final night of the Los Angeles Conservancy’s program “Last Remaining Seats,” where they show old movies in the beautiful movie palaces in downtown LA. He saw the silent film Safety Last! with Harold Lloyd.
41:51 – Jah realizes that listeners don’t know he has a gold tooth now.
42:27 – Jah’s mom sent he and Seth an article from The Wall Street Journal saying she and John have been suspect of “old sperm,” as they call it. The article claims that there are a litany of things that can happen to the offspring – primarily neurological abnormalities – if a man waits into his 40s to father children.
48:10 – Jah says nobody masturbated more than him when he was 13. Seth says no one has done it more at age 34, either.
1:16:47 – A UYD voicemail caller asked that Seth suggest to everyone to leave a message saying what they don’t like about the show. They think that would be a bad idea. Jah says he knows there are voicemails that Seth doesn’t share with Jonathan because he would get so livid at the people and hunt them down on the internet (i.e. callers suggesting live shows in their respective towns). Jah prefers the suggestion from last week – a Dear Abby-type column that listeners can submit via the website.
5:30 – Jah walked out of a new age spiritual bookstore today with Dimitri in Santa Monica. As he left, the owner of the place was sitting outside holding court with a woman speaking about another woman he had had a relationship with. As they walked out, he said, “Thanks guys, thanks for coming in. May God protect you.” He said it very casually. Jah thinks maybe they should start doing that at the close of each UYD episode.
6:18 – Seth was at The Greek Theatre in Los Angeles last night for some tasty licks getting laid down by Steely Dan from a 1977 album recorded in Hollywood called Aja.
8:35 – Jah was out today shopping in the middle of summer just watching the people out there. It’s becoming difficult for him to tell which of the people are from LA and which aren’t, but now everyone is wearing Hollister and Reef, so it’s hard to tell.
14:37 – Jah has been flying a lot lately. Something happened to his dad in his late 40s or early 50s where he had been traveling his whole life and was suddenly overcome by a fear of dying on a plane. He couldn’t bring himself to fly. Jah fears he’s heading in the same direction, because it’s become harder and harder for him to fly as of late. There are a couple that feel smooth and awesome, but the majority of them feel violent and crazy.
48:53 – The History Museum in LA was doing a silent auction to name a new dinosaur species and Seth wanted to bid and name it after J-dawg to see dem bones.
49:07 – Some dude who was at Pride in Toronto last week who listens to the show talked about his friend turning his Grindr on in the middle of Pride Fest and they were inundated with dick pics and messages about pissing in somebody’s mouth.
4:13 – Jah was on a plane last week and found himself on a United flight that had drop-down 9-inch monitors every 3 rows. They were showing The Lincoln Lawyer and three episodes of Big Bang Theory.
4:02 – Seth went to Time Warner to get a brand-new remote because he banged up his other one.
8:50 – Seth is at his newsstand in Larchmont and his homie is moving a stack of magazines. (Jah interrupts Seth’s story to reveal that Seth reads magazines he subscribes to at the magazine stand because the stand gets them before he gets them delivered to his apartment.) The magazines he’s moving feature Kate Middleton on the cover of People and Star, etc. Seth goes there every day, and the stack of magazines with royal wedding coverage just sat there. He asked the guy what magazine would sell thematically, and the dude responds, “the New Yorker with the article about scientology that came out in February.” He put out a stack and it was gone, put out another stack and it was gone. Seth wondered how many he sold, and the dude told him he sold 65 magazines in less than two hours. He then called all the other newsstands across the city and they were all gone. They called the New Yorker offices and they said they weren’t sending out anymore. Seth thinks it was a calculated effort by the SciTis to cover up all the released information.
15:37 – Seth splurged and went into Astro burger today to pick up some spicy chipotle sauce. As the girl hands it to Seth, he notices a guy leaving giving an over-the-shoulder knowing nod, and there’s a phone number written on the receipt in the girl’s hand. Seth predicts he was a PA working for Paramount carrying a gang of lunch items.
31:37 – Jah admits he does something that’s gross and off-putting to people. He calls it a “bad habit.” He bites his nails, and while he’s biting them, if he actually gets a nail that he bites off, he breaks it into pieces in between his teeth. To be honest, some of them get spit out and some of them get swallowed. Dimitri says he knows what J-dawg is doing and can hear it happening with his teeth, and so he automatically tells Jah it’s gross when he hears it.
35:13 – Two weeks ago, Seth picked up a beautiful Saturday Evening Post 99-cent calendar. He was coming out of the store and there was a hobo sitting out front asking for change. Seth had a dollar bill and a dime and left it on the counter for the clerk rather than wait in line. The hobo was talking with another homeless guy, and he says, “Yeah, Commissioner laid it down. Lockout’s over.” Seth had a little skip to his step as he got in his car and headed home, then he checked online and was saddened to learn the lockout was still ongoing.
41:23 – Jah doesn’t know if he’s ever blacked out. He’s drank and vomited himself into unconsciousness (Episode 115, 53:07), but at the point that he stopped remembering it was because his body was lying down and his eyes were closing. Seth has blacked out a grip of times.
1:14:02 – Seth went to the Billy Wilder Theatre at the Hammer Museum on Monday night. He saw a movie from 1980 called Can’t Stop The Music, a loose bio about The Village People. It was so mind-melting crazy and done by the producer of Grease. It was filmed in the summer of 1979 at the height of the disco craze and when it came out disco wasn’t so popular.
23:27 – The first time Seth had an experience with oxycontin, he was at a party the summer of 2001. He was with some guys in a band called The Bad Apples. One of the guys had a pill and was fucked up, and he lost it at the party.
7:03 – Jah doesn’t like animals to be present when he’s getting his fuck on.
8:25 – Seth talks about his acting experience on Hyperion Bay starring Mark Paul Gosselear. He got a call on Sept. 9, 1998 from the WB Network. Seth received a residual check today in the amount of $6.38. He thinks it should be adjusted for inflation to current times. The show lasted one season. The episode Seth was on was called “Some Common Words and Phrases,” airing October 26. When the episode aired, Seth was working in the in-house catering division of Paramount and they had a big event that night. They pulled a TV over and everybody gathered around to watch the episode. Seth’s only line was when a woman walked by, he asked “What are those?” It was over so quickly and was so sad that all the caterers just kind of went back to their Bunsen burners and hot trays.
15:57 – Jah asks Seth about something that happened to him today on the way to the studio. He stopped at a supermarket on the west side of Los Angeles. He bought insoles for his shoes and then he stopped at a Starbucks within the supermarket and got a green tea lemonade. The lemonade was purchased in order to cover up what he was actually doing – which also got foiled anyway. As J-dawg purchased his insoles, he approached a Wells Fargo kiosk ATM. There’s a guy standing there and immediately he doesn’t like him, because he’s in motorcycle gear with a helmet on and visor flipped up. He has a very small backpack in front of him, and he unzips it and J-dawg sees the head of a spray bottle. He begins shooting the ATM with the spray bottle from about 3 feet away. J-dawg just posts up. He gets into the line of the Starbucks and acts like he’s waiting in line so he can just stare at this dude. There are a lot of people standing around and no one seems to notice that he’s shot this thing with this fluid. He then takes out a towel and begins wiping down the entire thing. Above the ATM, there’s a shelf and he starts pulling receipts and stacking them up and starts taking photographs of the receipts with a digital camera. J-dawg is 4 feet away from this dude and can’t believe no one is looking at this guy. He then takes the pictures of the receipts, backs up from the ATM post-cleaning and takes photos of the ATM from a distance. He turns around and there is a mother, father and the father holding a child. He forces them away so he can get farther away from the thing. He is now parallel to J-dawg, and looks at Jah and says “You need to use the ATM?” Jah replies, “I don’t know bro, are you done disinfecting it and whatever the fuck else you’re doing?” He goes, “It’s all you, buddy.” Jah puts his arms up and goes up to the Starbucks register. The guy finally finishes his routine and leaves and J-dawg is perplexed as to what just happened. As the guy walks past J-dawg, he makes a weird sound effect with his lips, and J-dawg turns around daring the guy to look back at him. He wants to kill him.
1:01:38 – Jah had a new idea for a product – build-your-own dessert raviolis.
23:12 – Jah’s next-door neighbor when he was a child was very beautiful, and he had a crush on her. She had nannies that were Swedish young college girls, and they would sunbathe topless on their deck. Jah remembers walking down the stairs to try to get to her room and not understanding what was happening, and then getting so close to two hot girls. He remembers vividly the beautiful tan skin and glistening blonde hair with the best tits he’d ever seen in his life. He tried to play it cool but he was completely beside himself and shaking uncontrollably. He talked to a point where he remembers both of them getting up and putting clothes back on.
31:45 – There’s a guy Jah sees in the same supermarket he was talking about last week. He washes windows in the parking lot. He’s a Cali beach boy local forever. He was in the Army for a while and is a musician. He has diabetes. He was talking to J-dawg about it and Jah can’t fathom being homeless and diabetic. The guy is under 40 years old and has had mental health issues. He understands he has to deal with it. He’s losing sensitivity in his hands and feet and they’re saying he might lose his feet. For him, it somehow might be better, because if he loses his feet he’s eligible for city housing and disability he’s not currently eligible for. The guy had an insulin attack the other day and woke up in the hospital.
47:07 – Jonathan was walking up a street to the Phish show. He didn’t realize there were motels on Highland, but there were. He used to see hippie kids on tour with their parents and he looks up and sees a dinky motel with some people standing outside. In the middle of the sidewalk, there was an 8-year-old and a 6-year-old barefoot. Jah is perplexed because hippie kids used to look like hippie kids; now they just look like dirty-ass kids. They were playing a board game in the middle of the sidewalk.
52:25 – Jah is opening his home to a guy he’s never dealt with before. He’s going to watch Jah’s dogs while J-dawg is away. It’s a catch-22 for Jah, because the more he’s there, the more he takes care of the dogs; however, it’s the more Jah has to worry about the guy beating off in his hamper. He was thinking about asking the guy not to stay there.
1:03:18 – UYD webmaster Nick had his identity stolen and was in the police station for 4 hours filling out forms. Jah explained to him he had his identity stolen and never went to the police, he just filled out an affidavit in the mail.
34:09 – Jah had two interactions with Corey Feldman several years ago. He’s been around a lot of drug addicts in his life, and Jah thought Feldman was a borderline street person.
50:42 – Jah and Seth’s moms used to brown bag their school lunches for them. J-dawg’s lunches were health-conscious but he didn’t get laughed at.
1:00:29 – Jah has a friend who told him about his girlfriend who was with years and years ago. They fought all the time and he decided to break up with her. But around the time they were breaking up, she was diagnosed with breast cancer so he took the break-up off the table to help her through recovery. She started going to radiation and chemotherapy treatment, lost about 20 pounds and shaved her head because her hair started to fall out. It gets to a point where she can’t handle it anymore and she attempts to kill herself. He takes her to Cedar Sinai and she checks in. She was automatically on 72-hour watch. He realizes she has a chemo session the next day, wakes up and walks in and tells them they have a patient who won’t be able to be there that day. They go through the file and said they had no record of the patient. He then realizes that the woman has faked this entire thing.
6:14 – Amir started out his college career as a pre-med student and there was a crazy research lab in the school. The reason he left is because he had to deal with crazy primates being dealt with and fucked with. That’s where he drew the line. Jah thinks his life would be so much better right now if he was a doctor, versus making experimental electronic music.
19:23 – Jah can’t remember what airline his mom used to work for in booking. He thinks it might have been Pan Am.
44:13 – Amir claims that big bushes are back among youngsters. Jah does not believe it’s first-hand information, but he wants to check in with some kids and ask them.
3:40 – Jah’s previous birthday month was better than this past birthday month. 34 was rough.
3:56 – Jah was in Staples two days ago. They had a 25% off discount and he saw 350 kids in there. He heard a mom complaining about the fact that they didn’t do this before the school year started. Jah got freaked out by some of the 9-year-old beefy boys mad dogging him.
7:31 – Jonathan’s dad was a Ford spokesperson and a Holiday Inn spokesperson. There were quite a few commercials in the late 80s and early 90s that included his voice.
15:37 – Jah knew a girl who went to school every day as Princess Leia and she would only respond to that name.
23:17 – Jah remembers thinking it was so cool when he met guys who dipped as a kid. He wanted that ring in his jean pocket so bad. Jah knows there’s dudes who dip who listen to this show and are also on the forums.
27:08 – Jonathan can’t use any of the organic laundry detergents because they make him break out in hives after he wears clothes that use them. Gain and Tide don’t have the same effect.
29:54 – Jah can’t understand how he didn’t get to Burning Man this year because last year he was pretty dead set on going and then people were talking about it again, and it only felt like it was 4 months ago to him.
1:01:22 – Jah tried to get off Facebook. He attempted to quit it, but it made it very difficult for him to X out, and it told him he had until Sept. 11 to decide, and he backed out of it.
55:35 – There’s one woman at the post office Jonathan goes to. Any time she’s there, there are only 3 people in line. She’s efficient, good at her job and no bullshit. If someone’s taking too much time, she vocalizes it, everyone in the room agrees and the person at the counter agrees to sort their stuff out elsewhere.
7:20 – A kid was leaving Seth a voicemail while walking the halls of his dormitory, and as he passed each room Seth could hear a different porn soundtrack.
8:32 – Jah was talking to someone about new porn, and he heard that the new cycle has gotten to the point where very young kids (5-8) are getting exposed to crazy pornography, and the way they’re processing it is bizarre.
19:37 – When Seth is in line at Whole Foods and people get a huge order, he tries to calculate how much it will cost in his head. He came so close to the exact price once that he scared himself and had to walk out of there.
30:04 – Jah fucked up his Missoni for Target sale. He overshot it by a day. He drove up to San Francisco, and on the way back down on Wednesday he stopped by a mecca Target about 40 minutes outside of the city. He pulled up and got to the parking lot, and there weren’t a lot of people there. It was because the structure didn’t open until Oct. 9, and all the cars there were people building it. He stopped at the Target in Pleasanton, Calif. There was some stuff left over, but it wasn’t the best stuff from the Missoni line.
34:20 – Jah’s father practiced having a lower voice when he was a kid because he was self-conscious about his high voice. He used to mock DJs and ultimately became one in the late 1960s.
50:05 – Jah ate a lot of peanuts as a child. He would eat 4 or 5 spoonfuls of peanut butter first thing every morning. He would grab it out of the fridge cold and choke on one spoonful and almost die before getting breakfast. He prevented the choke by chasing it with bread, which pushes the peanut butter down. Jah is 34 years old and he chokes on peanut butter a minimum of once a month.
51:56 – Jah has the most disgusting story that happened to him and forgot to tell Seth. He was very humiliated and embarrassed by what happened. The other day, Jah woke up and it was kind of early. He got in the shower, turned it on and he farted. He shit the shower, turned it off and got out. He dealt with himself, toweled off and went to turn on the shower again. A workman was headed over to work on the building and he shut the main water off. Nothing would work and Jah had diarrhea feet. Jah gets on the phone and pleads for help. He realized that this had happened to him before.
1:05:31 – Seth got mailbox money dropped right quick. He got double checks worth $12.74. One has a sequence number 33, and the other has a sequence number 34. He thinks he just made $25. These checks are for a made-for-TV movie called McBride 6: Anybody Here Murder Marty? The shoot date of said production was April 3, 2005.
1:12:17 – Seth holds the door open for ladies because he’s a gentleman. He usually holds it open for all people, and he realizes that for some cultures of men it might be emasculating for a man to hold open the door for them. Perhaps this is why he doesn’t always get a “thank you” or a smile-and-nod. It seems lately they’ve been taking the door from him, and Seth refers to this as a Mexican standoff.
2:27 – Jonathan and Seth were reading a Playboy magazine like they do every 90th episode. There was a print ad for Pert in the October issue that included Jimmy from Gigolos in it.
4:18 – Seth got some mail from Family Radio with Harold Camping. May 21, 2011 was supposed to be end times. This was their fall issue, and it reminded Seth to keep in mind that Harold told us May 21 was not technically the rapture. The actual, real date is Friday, Oct. 21.
13:35 – Dimitri and Jah have been DJing a lot lately and people have been asking them if they have a name for their DJing duo in case people wanted them to do a wedding or something, and Jah thought it would be funny if he just named them Jamiroquai
4:55 – Seth only knows it’s autumn because he has some New England foliage sitting on his mantel, sent to him from his mother via the USPS, tucked into wax paper.
7:02 – Seth did not have a computer in any part of his non-adult month. He got his first computer when he was living in his current apartment in the year 2004 at age 31. It was a dial-up internet connection and he got the PC tower from a guy named Michael Kohn, who lives in New York City now.
15:22 – Jonathan was at a Hillstone’s the other day, which is owned by Houston’s. He was talking to a guy about it, and found out that the reason they changed their name at certain locations was because it’s a law that if you own a certain amount of restaurants you must put the caloric content on the menus. To avoid doing that, they named half of their Houston’s, Hillstone’s.
19:27 – Jah ate a Popeye’s chicken sandwich in the Detroit airport that was so good. He was on a layover and he needed to pound one.
30:14 – Seth did video-on-demand on Thursday, Sept. 1 and paid $10 to see Kevin Smith’s Red State and realizes he won’t ever get that money back. It was the worst movie ever.
40:52 – Jah remembers his dad’s theory when he was a kid: he believed sex offenders and rapists should have their skin permanently dyed blue to where you would always know and be able to tell kids to stay away from them.
42:28 – Jah and Amir found a registered sex offender online that lived next to Amir. The day they looked him up they saw him outside playing with his daughter and son.
58:31 – Jah is going to go see the Dead
1:02:22 – Jah’s friend was in the Apple Store when the Steve Jobs death announcemnt occurred. Prior to announcing it in the store, the entire store, which was packed, went silent, and all the employees were called into the back. They came back and made an announcement.
1:03:39 – Jah heard a story last week about something he found interesting. A friend of his went to an Apple Store and brought their computer in to get it fixed at the Genius Bar. She shows the laptop to the guy and said it was giving her a funny glitch. He looks at it, goes through some diagnostics, and tells her that she needs another hard drive. The Genius Bar people aren’t allowed to do internal fixes like that, but they can do cosmetic fixes. She had a small discoloring on the face of the keyboard where the oil from your fingers make the finish oxidize. The employee pointed it out and told her he could replace it for her and hints that “other things could go in and get fixed when that thing goes in to get fixed.” She asked if she could tip them, and hinted that “sometimes things come across the table and they have to take them.” The guy said it would take about 8-10 minutes, and she leaves and understands she’s getting the hookup. She goes out of the store and gets a pamphlet for some condos for sale and puts a little money in the catalog – she puts $20 in there and folds up the flyer. He took it and put it in his pocket without opening it. Jah figures the dude was probably pissed for only getting $20 for this. Seth thinks she was in the right for this move. He would have given them a coffee or an Uhh Yeah Dude card at best.
1:12:10 – Seth didn’t get any celebrity endorsements this week. He got a fake one from Morgan Freeman.
2:47 – The Halloween Snickers commercial came roaring back this year to scare Seth for a new fall season.
6:50 – It was 101 degrees in his Jeep when Jah got in it today.
8:27 – While Seth was talking to someone about La Llorona, someone asked him if he’d heard about Sinterklaas – a Dutch legend about a Saint Nick who keeps a little boy in blackface called Zwarte Piet. The story goes if you’re bad you get put into a bag and shipped off to Spain to be a slave.
31:16 – Jah saw an old man the other day, and he fits the description of an old man that he sees pretty regularly. He can read the body language and see how he moves and realizes that he’s a filthy old pervert but he’s so old that the perverted part of him has died. So the misery has come to the forefront of his visage.
33:09 – Six months ago, Jah sat Seth down, opened up his fancy laptop and told Seth he was going to show him two music videos that were going to change his life. It was a female rap artist named Lady. Seth wonders what happened to her, and Jah is confused by her dropoff as well.
51:08 – Jah admits that he bought a fake esophagus made of Cyberskin (Episode 088, 19:26 and Episode 186, 1:09:12).
52:06 – Jah wonders if Seth remembers the post-AIDS craze when there was a big push for safe sex. Dental dams, diaphrams and condoms were at the forefront. Another thing that came into play was the female condom – a reverse condom that’s like a stocking filled with lube that goes into the girl. There’s a wire frame opening that has a shape to it and you insert it correctly and it opens up the bag. They’re kind of crazy but anyone that Jah has talked to about them said they feel much better when used properly than condoms. The inserting of them is more erotic than guys putting on the condom, which is characteristically bad. Jonathan had one experience with the female condoms. He was having casual sex with one girl exclusively. Jah picked up the deal at the Rite-Aid at Beverly and La Cienega. It wound up messing the girl up pretty bad. He hadn’t seen the girl for a period after they used it – a minimum of 10-12 years – and he finally saw her in a minivan with a person the other day. Four hours later, he’s standing in front of a dude who asked her about that and realized he had just seen the girl he used it with. It was so weird he didn’t know what to do. The very first thing he thought of while looking at her was female condom.
1:00:16 – Jah was riding in a cab and got blindsided by the guy driving the cab. He told Jah he was from Egypt and had met a girl here and married her. Jah told him he was separated and is getting married to a new girl. He said it was nice that he and her ex were still friends and the cabbie asked, “Do you guys still have sex together?” Jah was surprised by the question but he bets that people do that a lot.
30:31 – Somebody was telling Jah about their dad being an air traffic controller, and said the amount of stuff we don’t know about is staggering. They save many more lives than they lose b/c they’re the only ones who can see anything going on up in the air. But there were times when screens would simply go down
40:53 – Jah has had so much shit happen this week. It’s been so crazy. He sensed early in the week that shit was just rocking. But the way in which he normally would deal with something like that and the way in which he dealt with it this week shows how bad we are at dealing with shit. He would say 80% of the pain that normally would be caused by a week like this have been alleviated by his willingness to accept that when it started happening it was going to happen – and it was completely out of his control. Jah drank himself to sleep every night this week.
47:00 – On Tuesday, Oct. 18, at 8:07 a.m. in the Larchmont Village Starbucks, Seth ran into his friend Bill Simmons, an ESPN personality and editor of the website Grantland.com. He’s known as “The Sports Guy.” They had a brief exchange about Simmons’ Patriots and they discussed their victory over Dallas. Simmons told Seth, “You’ll win the division.”
48:57 – Jah saw a guy today at the store his friend works at. His friend and one of his coworkers have taken to stealing each other’s smartphones and updating each other’s Facebook statuses. Like “feeling really gay today,” or “feeling like a meat sandwich.”
28:12 – Jah went downtown the other night and drove through Tent City by Skid Row and it got so bad. He said it used to be just the row, but now it’s 8 blocks of people. He thinks part of it is being in a big city and part of it is having phenomenal weather.
32:12 – Jah was at California Chicken Café on the way over to Seth’s apartment. Two cops came in to pick up a to-go order and two crazy gymmed-out gays were in there as well. There is one person in front of Jah, and the cashier is an attractive Hispanic woman who looks a little like Salma Hayek. She speaks very sweetly and very correctly but has a thick accent so certain words come out a little funny. The woman in front of Jah continues to say “I’m sorry, what?” and the girl continues to repeat herself. Jah orders his thing and has a few mix-ups where he has to ask her to repeat herself. He goes and sits down and two people walk up – most likely a dad in his early 60s and a daughter about Jah’s age. He only sees them ordering and can make out that there’s a lot of squinting and toing-and-froing between them. They come and sit down and the daughter looks at the dad and says, “I really couldn’t understand her.” Jah thinks it’s retarded because 80% of what she said was proper grammar, language, everything. She continues, “I guess she’s Mexican.” The dad turns and says, “Are you sure she’s not Chinese?”
56:38 – Jah had his phone turned back on. Right before that happened he was trying to talk to his folks in New York. He called them on his Google phone on their landline. They picked up the house phone and he tried to video his dad, but his dad could see him and Jah couldn’t see them. Jah’s mom sounds like she’s sort of far away and she’s talking at points that aren’t corresponding with what he and Jah are saying. When he videochatted his dad, it cut off the Google phone that he’d been using. He’s still having a convo with them and the whole time have been holding the landline phone and not hearing him come through the speaker because he’s been coming through the computer speaker for 10 minutes. Jah thinks it’s going to be so hard for us to deal with the new way that we do the same thing we’ve always done – even if we’re not interested in the new tech. Just the old stuff will be crazy.
1:04:24 – Jah’s phone just shut off. It’s booting as we speak. What will happen is the e-mails and texts that have been sent since the last time his phone was active will all at once begin to download from the mainframe into the handheld device and he would like to record the sound of it. He’s curious to see how long it will actually go on for. (It doesn’t work.)
5:12 – There’s a middle school a block away from Jah’s house. They have two crossing guards every day, which is more than enough because the kids are 6-foot-2 and more able-bodied than the guards.
8:38 – One of the best Thanksgiving meals Jonathan has ever had was at the Four Seasons Beverly Hills. They had a full buffet-type spread. It was a bunch of rogue Hollywood families. The year they went it was Leo and his family, Ozzy Osbourne and his family, etc. One side of the room was a full Thanksgiving spread, while on the other side of the room was a full sushi bar, full waffle bar, full breakfast bar, chocolate fountain, etc.
17:06 – Jah’s dad shot an episode of Night Court on Friday the 13th and one of the giant lights fell and almost killed somebody.
23:11 – Jah saw Seth going through his DVR earlier. He programs a phenomenal amount of content every day, and there’s an aesthetic quality there because he doesn’t like to have things linger on there too long. He likes to burn through there quick because otherwise it will eat up his hard drive capacity.
27:40 – Jonathan said that India Pale Ale (IPA) beers taste much better to him when drank from a glass versus from the bottle, where he can taste the bottle a phenomenal amount.
28:57 – Jah was thinking that he met Heavy D, who was in a play with Willie directed by character actor Delroy Lindo.
35:49 – Jah and Seth receive an influx of postcards from Mr. Hambell’s English class at Keimyung University in Daegu, S. Korea. The penmanship is so precise that when they first received them, they thought they were typed by a machine. A lot of them end with “With Every Wish,” … They all seem to respect their elders. There’s a lot of references to Kimchi and a lot of dog soup. … Seth learns that high school in Korea starts at 7 a.m. and goes until 11 p.m. … One of them says “I saw your car on Google Earth. Your car is so colorful. Your car is very marvelousous.” … “Seth, I saw your car. It was a wonderful car. Blue body. Brown roof. Correct? It is a car of sincerity. How to know your car.” … “Your car is quite OK. Cute, but you should buy car so much to better.” … “Dear Seth, God blessed your car. Your car leaves a deep impression. The design moved me profoundly.” … “I saw your vintage car. The Dance, is it? I think you have that car to high school, correct?” … “Korea is not own the gun. You should not know something. You should use two hands to older people. You should not have a gun.” … “Seth I saw your picture. You look so smart. I want your answer handsome guy.” … “Seth you are handsome guy like actor. Your life looks so good. Your figurations attractive and funny. Let me know if you have any questions.” … “Seth I saw your commercial. Your eating acting is very impressive. I hope to appear with you in a commercial eating some day.” … “I love Subway sandwiches. I think you do too. Wink. I saw you on the commercial. Seth I want to see your story.” … “you and Jonathan have hair and are very handsome.” … “Seth I saw the picture of Jonathan. His hairstyle and beard is shocking. I hope you and he will be popular in Korea. Dreaming.” … “I do not enjoy suntans, but do enjoy your faces. Your attention has been good. Please encouraging.” … “Dear Smeth, I hear about USA Burger King hamburger is really big. Is this true? If so I envy you. Smeth, I will come to USA some day to see WRestlemania.” … “In movies American students have a lot of parties. Is that really true? Believe me.” … “I heard USA night culture one party. So crazy. People so crazy. I miss you. Sing me your musical performance. This is only my opinion.” … “Korean music is most popular wide world. Do you know K pop? If you don’t, listen. Tell me your life please.” … “I like American singers. My favorite players are Celine Dion, Shakira and Adel.” … “My hobby is drive a car. But I have no car, so at times I like to drive the car with my mother. So now I am very mad.” … “Korean fried chicken is most delicious all over the world. Usain Bolt is the fastest man in the world. He eats only chicken to his meals 3 day all along. I heard this. Brilliant. What a holy chicken.” … “Are you still doing internet comedy show? Wow. Surprising. Comedy so nice because comedy gave laughs to people so our society would smile. This comedy of yours will remain a good memory, develop and maintain kindly life.”
44:58 – Jonathan now reads a selection of his letters from Korea: “Dear Jonathan, my name is Crazy. Let me introduce about Korean culture. In Korean culture you should not use the low forms of speech. Always foreigners speak low form of speech to elders. Korea is very propriety and you should not whistle at night. It is bad luck. If so, appear the snake. Koreans are very afraid of the snakes. Do you know Dokdo? I like Japan, but when Japanese lie about Dokdo, I hate Japan. Every day Japanese lie that Dokdo is their land. Now all of the countries of the world believe that Japan lied about that but most important in fact is Dokdo is our land. This is not change. At first Korean personality is sensitive but Japanese lie. Koreans are very tired about international conflict, therefore Korean avoid very famous terrain country proverb: ‘make way for a madman and a bull you never believe that lie.’”
55:46 – The last time Jah ate Dippin’ Dots was at Knott’s Berry Farm, which was only 4 or 5 months ago. The first time Seth had them was at a Super Bowl party last year. He was down at first, but then after processing them he wasn’t down with them.
58:33 – Kozy and Dan, friends of the show who designed the hairy logo and more, sent Jonathan photos of Sinterklaas arriving in Amsterdam not knowing what it was. There were mad Zwartze Piets all over the place (Episode 293, 8:27).
1:01:25 – Seth was sitting in Larchmont having a coffee, and two girls came up to him telling him they were doing a fundraiser. They handed him a sheet and it had their address and phone number to their house. Seth couldn’t believe it. Later that night, he’s getting coffee and sees one tacked up on the other side of the street.
1:02:15 – Last weekend or the weekend before on the West side, 4 girls were throwing a bake sale across the street from the Starbucks Jonathan goes to. Jah is looking at the girls, who all have tits and are 2 years too old to be having a bake sale. One of them starts doing a provocative dance to try and lure traffic, and eventually all of them do it. Jah is sitting with women in his 20s, and asks if they are too old to be doing this. At this age, there’s a part of Jah that’s compelled to walk over there and tell them to stop doing what they’re doing.
2:39 - Seth got fully grifted at his Starbucks by Howard Schultz. The prices went up. He slid his two one-dollar bills over the counter for his tall drip coffee, which should be $1.50. He received a quarter and a dime back for change instead of two quarters. It went from $1.50 to $1.65.
13:13 - Listening back to last week's episode, the fact that Jah didn't get the Million Dollar Mind Game answer, Subway, correct (Episode 297, 10:04), made him furious. He explains that his brain is never functioning at 100% capacity when he's doing the show.
22:18 - Jah says Seth was onto Stevia a long time ago. He used to bring it everywhere with him in packet form before it got big.
34:13 - Seth's mother tells him that they used cloth diapers on him. Seth couldn't believe he was that old to have worn cloth diapers. They would take the diaper and shake it out in the toilet, throw it in a diaper pail, then wash it with Ivory when it filled up, then pull them out on the clothesline and he had "the whitest diapers in the neighborhood" and never had a diaper rash. Seth got mad at her because he looked it up and Pampers started in the 60s.
48:44 - Jah is going to hit the LA Auto Show on Tuesday. He heard there were a few debuts. He might get into the 4-door Chevrolet Spark sub-compact hatch. Jah says the vehicles there are 95% wack but the 5% legit cars are worth the trip. Jah goes to the show ever year with Amir and his dad and his uncle - a deep Persian crew who not only know their whips but also own super-dope whips and are not afraid to sit down and talk some shop.
3:20 – Jonathan is leaving town to see his parents in NYC for Thanksgiving and realized that as soon as you get through Thanksgiving, you’re right there at Christmas. There’s no time whatsoever between the two. By the time he gets back into town, gets sorted and figures everything out, it will be December 5. At that point he’ll have to leave in another 10 days.
30:45 – Jah was trying to clean up the desktop of his computer and he came across the fiber-optic camera video of Seth’s knee surgery. He couldn’t really tell what was going on in it. There’s audio, but it’s like underwater sucking noises, not the doctor laughing at Seth. Seth recalls that he was in the mix the whole time. He wasn’t put under consciousness. He remembers the big shots they were giving him beforehand, but they rolled him by all the unconscious people and he threw them deuces while enjoying a veggie burger.
39:06 – Every morning, especially if he smokes weed, Jah has his routine where he walks his dogs. He wakes up, gets ready, opens the door for them so they can go downstairs and pee, but within an hour of him waking up, they walk to Starbucks. Every day he has to get their leashes and plastic bag, puts his sneakers up, etc. Every time he forgets something like his mailbox key or his wallet, etc. He in essence gets to the door or almost outside before he realizes it. His dogs, Fatty especially, are hip to this, and he does his own routine where he paces in circles and eats food from the bowl when Jah grabs the leashes.
1:03:18 – Jah circles back to last week’s discussion about tipping for food delivery. Jah had indicated that you don’t need to tip the driver if there’s a delivery charge. He found out from callers that, tops, drivers will receive $1 of the $5 delivery charge. He retracts his previous statement and encourages you to tip, even though it kind of sucks.
7:43 – Some Grandparenting 101 submissions to UYD – a lady’s baby had an ear infection, and her mother swears by the old technique of blowing cigarette smoke into the ear to help clear up the infection. … Also, a sip of red or white wine to help the baby sleep.
11:37 – Seth buys 1 or 2 lottery tickets a week. He buys Super Lotto and Mega Millions tickets. It’s just a dollar, in good fun, and there’s a certain excitement. He does a quick pick and is the first one to touch it after it comes out of the machine.
15:27 – Jah has picked up a new skill that he’d maybe like to utilize for a couple people – jewelry making.
47:50 – A fellow plane passenger of Jah’s had a conversation with him about drugs. She explained that the brain produces dopamine, and she had gone to a seminar that dealt with its production in the brain. We as humans can’t go more than 2 hours without doing something that causes a release of dopamine in our brain. If we don’t do that, we begin to slip into a state of depression within about 2 hours. Our lives are structured the way they are to stagger our day and give ourselves dopamine. The catch is that nothing in itself creates dopamine. We create it in our brain by experiencing something that we believe gives us relief from suffering.
37:45 – Jah’s girlfriend Geneva’s grandmother referred to us as a lost generation. His tendency would be to believe her since she’s 94 years old and she’s looking at what her generation did and the one above Jah’s did. Jah thinks Seth is a perfect example – graduating with a communications degree pre-internet. Jah says Seth has to surround himself with younger people who truly grew up with the internet in their households.
1:00:48 – Jah’s father got them a podcasting manual book when they first got started.
3:45 – Jonathan got a hot peppermint mocha today because it felt kind of wintery for him.
10:57 – Jah goes on the internet just to entertain himself if he’s sitting at home. Just to get on. Seth is there to work. It’s straight business.
8:28 – Marcia’s plantar fasciitis is very painful. She had it for a year before she did anything about it. It’s worse when she wakes up in the morning because her foot is really tight and she had to walk it off. She saw a podiatrist and got all kinds of equipment to deal with it and wears something to bed after she ices it and stretches it.
10:09 – Seth had a friend who came to California and did a winery tour in Napa. They went to the Wilson Creek Winery and sampled some flavors, then tried an almond champagne that she raved about. She told Marcia that she should go when she goes to visit Seth. Marcia fell in love with it, went back to Massachusetts and then they researched it – the winery would not ship wine to Massachusetts but it can go to New Hampshire, so they had it shipped to a mutual friend in N.H, then smuggled the alcohol across state lines so Marcia and her friend could enjoy it.
13:16 – Marcia is proud of Seth for his nine years of sobriety. She likes coming to LA and having a designated driver. She didn’t have one the night she went to Bar Marmont with Seth and drank butterfly kisses. Seth was driving pretty fast in the truck on the way home.
16:40 – When Marcia’s water broke, she had no car and Seth’s dad was bartending while taking a 10-speed bike to work. In Marcia’s defense, Seth came a little early. She had to call her dad at 3 a.m. and get him to take them all to the hospital.
19:02 – When Marcia first found out that she was pregnant and Seth was due Oct. 7, so on the 7th of every month, she stood in front of the refrigerator and had her picture taken to see the growth.
22:30 – Seth stopped at a Hooters with Josh and Brian in Nashville, Tenn., when they were driving cross-country in 1995. Marcia has never been, but Seth said they should do it – there’s one on Hollywood Blvd. by Grauman’s Chinese Theater.
26:38 – Marcia has noticed that anytime she sees men and women walking down the street holding hands, the woman is always on the outside. When she was growing up she was taught that the woman was supposed to be on the inside.
48:56 – The first two weeks Seth moved to LA, the smog burned his baby lungs and he was given a bronchial steroid at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Burbank.
54:07 – When Seth went to watch the Kentucky Derby at Hollywood Park, he couldn’t believe some of the characters who came into his path. Seth put his money on a horse called Brutally Handsome and made $58.
9:33 – On Jonathan’s plane ride, he watched about 15-20 minutes of Contagion. It wasn’t as awesome as he wanted it to be, but there were some sequences that got his blood rushing and made him think we’re all dead.
11:09 – Seth’s mom shone so bright this week in Episode 303, but Seth has been telling her that her satanic ritual of using neti pots is like playing with father.
25:16 – Jah’s dad bought and sent Jah a download link for Louis CK: Live at the Beacon. It was only $5 a download via PayPal.
16:45 – Seth’s “desk” is a bedroom side table from J-dawg’s first apartment he moved into when he was 18 years old in Park La Brea. At this point, Seth begins to realize that this table – in which he has photos of his brother, father and grandfather – has housed Jah’s blood, semen and lubricants and has been fucked on by Jah following a Fishbone show. Jah’s dresser is in Seth’s bedroom. He has had that dresser since Jah was 14-15 years old living in his parents’ house in Malibu. Seth reveals that Eric Szmanda of CSI gave Seth a bookshelf he still uses.
29:35 – Jah was in Toronto over the holidays, and in the senior assisted living building that Jah’s wife’s grandmother lives in, they walked in on an orderly in his 60s who had been fucking Alzheimer’s patients there for years.
40:45 – Jah watched videos yesterday of the run of college girls posting madly crazy racist shit and putting it on Worldstar Hip Hop and other places. Looking at their faces and realizing that when that girl is 40 years old, she’ll be able to look back at the heinous shit she did in her past and it will live on forever. Her lowest, lamest most desperate moment will be encapsulated on the world wide web. Jah has at least 22 of these throughout the duration of his time on the show, but at least it’s a voluntary thing within the context of the show. These people don’t understand the world yet and others are going to have to deal with their terror in the future.
50:41 – Jah remembers his parents going to a fundraiser when he was in high school for a rainforest preservation group in some fancy house in Brentwood with a bunch of actors. They showed a movie that included a beetle that has a parasite that takes over its brain to the point of being able to control it, then steering the beetle to a certain species of tree in the rainforest that is particularly tall and slender, walks up to the top of the tree and then the head explodes and shoots the parasite’s larvae out among the rest of the rainforest to further infect the foliage.
5:33 – Jah informs the audience that he’s HIV positive. He also asks for the house lights to be turned down just a little because they’re blinding his face.
19:49 – Jah takes a minute to talk about traveling with his lighter. Dimitri and he left LAX on a 5:47 flight to Seattle. He says the whole system is faulty the whole way through. Seth wonders if it has anything to do with J-dawg buying his plane ticket the day before he flew up there. He takes his lighter out of his pocket every time and puts it in the tray, he puts it back in his pocket and he leaves with no issues, yet he’s flabbergasted that they take his toothpaste away.
32:02 – Jah remembers when his dad found Hustler magazines under his bed when he was a kid. He said that Jah’s mother found them and told them about them. He then asked J-dawg why the hell he was into them because they were disgusting.
36:12 – Jah went in an LL Bean today to look for a “took,” or beanie, because he was freezing. He went to a Columbia, a Hardwear, and an LL Bean. He still didn’t find one.
38:16 – While Jah was at LL Bean today, Seth was at the Field Roast Factory on Jackson Street. Seth walked the killing floor of his vegan sausage place. David Lee, let Seth wear a hairnet and walk through and meet everyone. He got a Celebration Field Roast, which is the size of a baseball bat.
41:25 – Jah’s dad used to do dynamite fishing. He’s from Louisiana. They would do it with homemade cherry bombs, tossing them underwater where there were an abundance of fish. They float up to the top of the water dead, and you guys row around and toss them in the boat.
1:00:02 – Somebody called the UYD voicemail to reveal that you shouldn’t drive at 10 and 2 – you should drive at 5 and 7 so you don’t punch yourself in the face if your airbags deploy.
1:21:32 – Jonathan realized that, while traveling, there is a type of person he has a crazy complex about. It is a 40-something female white Buddhist. They are holier-than-thou frown-upony motherfuckers, pretend passive judgy people, and they wear crazy garb.
1:25:59 – Seth busted his tooth on a Clif Builder Bar this week. He’s missing a tooth and doesn’t have a permanent crown yet. It’s not as asshole-pirate looking as J-dawg’s gold tooth is yet.
10:33 – Jah is a fan of Korean food, but he’s only been hip to it for the past two years or so because he befriended a Korean.
11:26 – Seth got a phone call from an EMT who said they were loading an older gentleman into an ambulance in a shady neighborhood while being verbally assaulted by people on the sidewalk. A woman came up and screamed in his face, “You ain’t nothin’ but the fake-ass po-lice!”
54:07 – Seth went to Gas Works in Seattle, a beautiful park. He walked through bushes that weren’t really bushes, and he thought he might have a tick bite.
57:52 – Jah has a friend who got into a situation recently. He got busted by his girlfriend for corresponding with several former flames.
1:09:26 – Jah met Axl Rose last week. Not only did he meet him, but he bitched out when he first saw him and ended up following him to another store in order to talk to him. He was on foot with his dogs and stalked him for a block and went into another store. For 10 minutes he had no idea who this dude was, and then he looked up and smiled and Jah said “Holy shit that’s old Axl.” He realized he had actually met him once, at a Mobil station on the corner of Sunset Boulevard and the PCH. Those were the dark days when no one had seen him and he was wearing cornrows and a Kevin Smith hockey jersey. The Axl that Jah saw the other day was a dope old-ass happy man, with a beautiful girlfriend, covered in giant black diamond jewelry and a Johnny Cash cowboy hat. Jah made up a weird shitty story that didn’t quite make sense when he was a kid, fudged it and turned red and made Axl laugh, then J-dawg beelined it out of there.
24:44 – When Jah and Seth flew back from Seattle, no one was happier than Seth. Jah peaced out and went to sleep because there were 50 empty seats on the plane.
33:23 – When they were coming back from Seattle, the turbulence was very mild, but Seth thought about going full Muslim so he could get back on the ground.
36:39 – Seth did a bump of K. He doesn’t know why. He was in Pasadena sitting half in his Chevy Cheyenne truck and half on the sidewalk. He was hating it. Seth’s friend was doing a job interview in Pasadena and Seth was his driver, parked outside the restaurant freaking out. It was a Tuesday at like 3:30 p.m. (Episode 082, 51:35)
37:52 – On April 20 Seth will be 10 years sober. Jah remembers getting 10 years sober and being floored when it happened. Seth thinks he’ll go out to Joshua Tree and get a tattoo of his cat Joshua to celebrate.
38:46 – Backstage in Seattle they lined up the booze for Seth and Jah. Seth couldn’t believe it. Fifteen minutes before the show Seth is having a heart attack. He looks over at Jah, who is texting, laughing, drinking tequila and eating Thai food with chopsticks. Seth stopped eating at 11:30 that day when he had a soy yogurt.
46:42 – Jah’s friend has some coffee that he gets from Colombia that is so strong – it beats any of the espresso shots he’s ever had.
1:00:48 – Jah watched the new Conan the Barbarian a few days ago. There were demons and swordplay and his dad was played by Ron Pearlman. If anyone can get through the first 10 minutes where Conan baby gets cut out of his mother’s womb dying on the battlefield and Ron Pearlman lifts it up to the sky, then you’re golden.
6:57 – Jah takes a moment to salute a couple that applied to have a nude wedding at the Hedonism II resort in Negril, Jamaica (Episode 304, 46:19) along with 14 other crazy couples. Jah asks them to come up on stage, then serenades them with “Every Kiss Begins With Kay.”
15:27 – Seth gets back from Seattle and goes to put his pants on. He remembers that they talked about how the dresser in his bedroom is the same dresser that Jonathan had intercourse on in high school. Jah immediately cuts in and wants to know if he found something in the dresser. The drawer fell out and Seth got down to look at what was in it. There was a guitar pick, some pubes, 12 cents and, he reaches in the back and finds a piece of paper with someone’s number scribbled on it and the name “DJ.” He also found a poem. Jah is trying to figure out the number. He thinks it says DJ * on it. Then he realizes it’s Dominic because it’s a Nepalese number from when Dominic was living in a monestary studying Tibetan translations.
43:07 – At Seth’s first apartment on North Beechwood south of Melrose, his parents came out to visit for the first time. He wanted to maximize space so he put an air mattress down in the closet and would have to fall backward in it. He was only paying $225 a month for rent.
3:45 – Seth lived in the Rampart district. He moved into the Rampart Palace at 446 S. Rampart, pre-CRASH Unit scandal, so he is a worthy judge of the authenticity of the new film Rampart. He was speaking with a nice girl from the LA Film Festival after hearing he couldn’t see an advance screening, and he was screaming angrily about how rich fucks from the West side were going to get to see the film while he lived it – he should get a police escort to the film.
39:38 – Seth got a voicemail. Some people like to party on those voicemails, and by party he means eat a bunch of marbles and garble out those phone numbers.
40:26 – Jah gets a lot of ass dials over the last few months from people who have put his number in their phone contacts.
2:52 – The first time Jonathan heard 311 was when he worked at a piercing shop on the Venice boardwalk (Episode 106, 7:39). Mike, the guy he worked for, was playing a CD he had bought at one of their shows.
5:49 – Jah’s grandmother used to send him a 1-foot by 1-foot by 1-foot cube box every year of beads for the Mardi Gras. Most years, until they were outlawed, she would also send him a coconut from the Zulu Tribes Parade, which were handpainted with glitter and stuff. They had to be outlawed because they would throw them at people and crack their heads open. Jah used to dress like Mr. T while wearing the beads. His grandma would also bring him a dessert from the in-flight meal after she got off the plane, wrapped in a napkin and placed in her purse.
7:22 – Burning Man is coming up. Jah registered and got into the lottery but then didn’t get the ticket.
27:27 – Jah couldn’t get over to Seth’s apartment yesterday because they had to shut East Hollywood down. His neighborhood used to be perfect – simple, working-class Latino families living their lives. As the article in the Times says today, when they asked the neighbors who was living in this house, they were “artistic types.” The whites moved into Seth’s neighborhood and there’s all kinds of domestic violence, people getting shot and buildings being lit on fire. His relative peace over 10 years has been shattered by rough Bohemian types screwing it all up.
41:35 – Jah was in an Indian restaurant last night eating some curry by himself, trying to blast the stuffiness out of his body. He was talking to one of the guys working there. He was a young guy, the youngest son of his family. He’s been here for three years and hadn’t been back home yet, and he was trying to get his paperwork in order. He went through a hotel management program and Hilton offered him a job in San Francisco but he couldn’t take it until his papers were in order. So he came down to stay with his uncle to work the restaurant and wait. He said the only reason he’s in America is that he’s the only son in his family that owns a business in India. They’re totally successful but there’s no money to be made there. So he’s the only person who can try out being in the States to see if he could make a go at this and get money. He said he didn’t want to be here because people don’t do shit. His friends went to Oakland to go to school and got jumped by 4 black dudes a week into being here. He got beat to shit and knocked unconscious and when he woke up, his passport and paperwork and everything was scattered around him torn into a million pieces.
1:01:54 – A friend of UYD bought a UYD sweatshirt and is really mad because he’s been wearing it every day around time and no one stopped him and said “UYD 4 Life.” Another friend of the show, Zach (Turquoise Wisdom) got back in from Fashion Week last night at LAX and as he was there he saw a Prius with a UYD sticker and Jerry Bears picking up someone at the airport.
4:22 – Jonathan started a fantasy tennis league this season which has been pretty cool but very time consuming. It’s called Jah’s Sci-Fi Fantasy Tennis League.
14:06 – Jonathan gets a lot of correspondence from UYD listeners who actually know about the stuff Seth makes fun of – P90X, Dren, etc.
23:23 – Neither Seth nor Jah has been to a car race. Seth wants to go see the Grave Digger at a monster truck rally. Jah would want to go to a drag race.
24:33 – Somebody took Seth’s front license plate off (Episode 061, 54:51) and he got a ticket. Jah used to get tickets all the time because he never knew how to put his plate on the front of the car (Episode 144, 59:00). Seth used to have a Sun Records sticker on his Volvo. He still has it next to his ROMA license plate that a listener stole from Italy.
26:31 – Seth sees this homeless guy David on Melrose with buckets cleaning places. He always sees him at different spots. Seth assumes he makes $20-25 per window, and could probably make a few hundred dollars after spending the entire day working. Seth thinks he may have an apartment and then act like he’s a homeless dude; meanwhile he’s rolling in it. Jah doesn’t think retail places would pay guys that much.
37:44 – Seth wonders what the Starbucks drink that Jah used to order was that he made him tell Seth’s father. Jah can’t remember if it’s the one he used to get at Coffee Bean (Episode 001, 43:14) or Starbucks (Episode 003, 33:16 and Episode 112, 27:14).
38:47 – Seth had a flattop his senior year of high school.
58:51 – When Seth’s old man was in LA last summer, Seth did not see him take a sip of anything other than Budweiser for like 70 hours.
59:31 – Jah suffers from dehydration sometimes and it takes him a while to figure out why he’s feeling shitty. It finally hits him that he hasn’t drank any water.
3:37 – Everyone has been talking about meatballs all week. Jah hears people talking about bratwurst and the sausage place downtown near Venice.
4:15 – Jonathan and Seth are basking in a fragrance called “2006” by company called UYD that was sent to them in the mail. The ingredients are grain alcohol, vanilla, lime and sandalwood (Episode 041, 42:22).
8:56 – Seth has a plan this year to get crazy at Spring Break. He’s going to do pre-pro for 3 days, go full throttle for 10 and then 4 days of cooldown. He’s doing South Padre Island. He’s going March 10-17. It’s known to be a kegger crowd because it’s Texas Week, so he’s going big or going home. It’s known as the south’s most economical spring break. It’s within a day’s drive of Houston and Dallas. The barrier island is compact enough to explore without a car, and a free shuttle provides regular transportation around town and across Laguna Madre to Port Isabel.
17:10 – Seth is holding in his hand archival historical records from the Library of Congress. UYD once discussed a drug arrest that Jonathan had many many years ago and his appearance in the National Enquirer (Episode 110, 39:50). The major problem for them not being able to pinpoint and locate the microfiche was an anthrax scare many years ago caused the Enquirer archives to be destroyed. The headline from Mike Walker’s Behind the Screens is “John Larroquette Shocker: His Teen Son Is Busted For Dealing Drugs.” The article text: “Heartbreak for John Larroquette – His 16-year-old son Jonathan just got busted on drug dealing charges that could net him up to seven years in prison. Larroquette, who has won his own battle with alcohol, was distraught when he arrived at the Los Angeles police station to take Jonathan home after the arrest. Cops say they stopped the teen for speeding and found two bags of pot plus $690 cash in his car. The high schooler admitted the loot was drug money, and that he sells marijuana for friends to get ‘free grass’ for himself. Jonathan was also charged with driving under the influence of marijuana. His dad, who starred as a prosecutor on Night Court and now plays a recovering alcoholic on his own show, couldn’t be reached for comment. But the actor’s wife Elizabeth declared, ‘Our son is a wonderful child. Lessons have to be learned in life.’” In the original story Jonathan told, he had $2,000 in cash, so perhaps a dirty cop pocketed $1,300 of it. Then again, Jah realizes that carrying $600 as a teenager in the mid-90s probably felt like a lot more money. Jah was going about 75 miles per hour. He had a bong wedged between the driver’s seat and the console. In the console there was a hatch that contained two sacks and the cash. Nowadays it wouldn’t have been that bad but two zips in the 90s meant you were a weed dealer. He was pulled over in Malibu on the PCH about two miles from Pepperdine. It was rush hour in the morning, and they pulled him over and had him not only handcuffed outside of the car, but the weed, bong and all the cash out on the roof of the car while cars were rolling by at 4 miles per hour. Jah had a Grateful Dead steal your face sticker on the gas tank of his white Yukon. By the time he got home that afternoon, he had messages on his phone from people who had seen him and called their friends. Jah says he’ll cop to the $690 and say he doesn’t think the cop pocketed it. Seth thanks Fat Dennis in South Korea for tracking this down. He also thanks Bob Barker on the front cover in a Price Is Right sex scandal. … Jonathan remembers getting a call from a friend when the Enquirer had come out a couple weeks after it had come out. He was in Sun Valley, Idaho at the time, and he remembers going into the Circle K in Idaho and pulling the paper off the stand and reading it. His dad was standing there outside, and Jah can’t remember the mixture of feelings he was probably having – his fame and his minor son whose picture they couldn’t publish but talked about everything else. It was clear that the story was sold directly from the sheriff’s department, so he wondered how much they possibly could have made off of it – Jah doesn’t even think $2,100.
25:01 – Ten years earlier, the Enquirer told the world that Jonathan’s mother had breast cancer. She had gone into the hospital for something for Jah’s little brother, and the hospital sold her medical reports after she had some tests on cells. The paper reported that “Elizabeth Larroquette dying of cancer.” People were calling her asking why she never said anything. Back then people actually read the National Enquirer, including Jah’s grandmother, who read it and believed it to be true.
25:31 – Later in life, in Asheville, N.C., Jonathan was arrested for possession of mushrooms at 32 years old (Episode 215, 1:05:50, Episode 227, 35:56 and Episode 263, 55:13). This was 16 years after his initial arrest. So who knows what will happen at age 48?
47:44 – Seth wonders if monster truck rally tickets would be as expensive as the Beach Boys tickets he purchased. He wishes he wouldn’t have done it, but he bought them for June 2 at the Hollywood Bowl. He claims he didn’t make the decision, it just overcame him. Jah knows exactly what he’s talking about – “It’s called power of the pussy.”Jah thinks Seth could be pleasantly surprised by seeing them at their 50th anniversary show in Hollywood, where they’re from.
0:51 – Seth got a voicemail from a guy who was jogging in NYC. He ran into some friends who are sober, and they were talking about meeting up with other sober guys, which turned into “sobros.”
19:54 – Jah wonders if people are aware what an indian reservation looks like. He has driven through a few of them, and says it’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen in your life. It’s barren, it’s impoverished
25:30 – Seth got the Doritos Tacos Locos. He can’t really eat it because it’s technically not vegetarian but he had to do it. He got it for $1.40 with just the shell and beans. He took one bite and was surprised because the shell had a Dorito taste but much thinner than the chip itself.
27:31 – Jonathan did a 90-minute yoga class the other day. He had never done one that long.
55:24 – Jah asks if Seth notices that Jonathan hasn’t smoked during this session. He has cigarettes with him and thought about it, but hasn’t. Seth declares it’s because he tricked him psychologically; he didn’t put the ashtray out on the table for J-dawg to use.
1:02:13 – Jonathan lost his cell phone out in the world. He had it in a jacket that he took off and laid it down next to him in a bar. He thought maybe someone had boosted it; however it’s not an expensive phone or a desirable phone, and thanks to big brother Gmail, you can check to see if someone’s looked at the phone. No one’s looked at it or touched it since he lost it, which leads him to believe it fell down into a crevice of some sort. As a result, J-dawg is also locked out of his own Facebook page. He had verification on it in case someone tried to log on from an alternate location, it would text him and ask for a pin. It did this the other day, but he has no idea what it is. He tried to email Facebook, but they don’t have a tech department so you’ll never get a message back.
3:46 – All of Jonathan’s high school and junior high friends called him “John.”
5:49 – Jonathan reveals that he beat off to a magazine that had an article about his father in it.
19:57 – Jonathan bought a jar of mayonnaise at Vaughn’s the other day, and it was $4.69. It wasn’t eco-sized or anything. With the ingredients inside of it, there’s no way it should’ve cost that much.
23:31 – Jonathan loves Can’t Buy Me Love. He watched it so much as a kid. Seth picketed the remake hoping they wouldn’t taint the original.
25:16 – Seth saw Kari Wuhrer (Episode 165, 34:35 and Episode 103, 37:16) in a Starbucks and revealed that he had a huge crush on her and she bought him a coffee.
29:25 – Jonathan still doesn’t have his phone. It’s disconnected, but at some point someone is going to find dick pics of him floating in his Blackberry in Hollywood. In this process he has opted to order an iPhone, mainly because UYD is discussing making an app for the show.
39:07 – At the age he lost his virginity, Jah understood that it was young, but he thinks that at 11 years old if you don’t know the effects of google-searching boobs and having a soda in 2012, you’re in a bad position.
44:42 – Seth is still bitter about his father not letting him get an earring, even though his good friend Peter Martellucci had one (Episode 106, 5:49 and 33:58). Jonathan then reminisces about the time he and his father went to get their ears pierced together at Maya on Melrose Avenue on his 13th birthday (Episode 106, 6:37). John kept his earring in much longer than Jonathan did. Seth says that Maya is a store that when you drive by, they have the same herbal ecstacy sign in their window that they had when Seth moved to Hollywood 16 years ago.
45:42 – Jonathan’s friend Asa from Shahs of Sunset used to be married to a guy who started the company Herbal Ecstacy, which also had its offices on Melrose.
51:37 – Seth talked to a guy who came back from Arizona, a Mexican dude. He said it was the worst because it was so racist. Seth thought it wasn’t that bad. The dude lived in the north part of Arizona, and said he would come out to his car one morning and there were beans poured on the hood of his car.
1:02:21 – Jonathan still does not have access to his own Facebook page. He’s messaged them several times and has not received a response.
5:40 – Seth claims that he eats a form of peanut butter every day, be it in a bar or with jam. He still buys it in a jar. He uses MaraNatha organic peanut butter. It’s smooth.
14:28 – Seth is having a love affair with chai lattes. He can’t stop. He had his first one at Starbucks and now he gets them wherever he goes. He gets them with soy milk and no water and a shot of espresso. Jonathan calls that a dirty chai.
16:10 – There is a homeless person in Jonathan’s neighborhood who has been serial pissing on Jonathan’s property. He opens the gate and walks onto the property and tucks into a corner to piss on concrete. It’s the exact same spot, and the smell was out of control. He stopped for a while, but then he started again to where he’s doing it every day. Jonathan stays up very late and walks the perimeter of his property. He walks around in pretty irregular hours, and never once has he spotted the guy trying to do it.
20:37 – Jonathan said he popped Johnny Depp’s style at some point in his life. Seth thinks maybe in his Kate Moss days, he might have as well.
21:10 – Seth went to his mailbox and took out his mail. He was excited because one of the magazines was wrapped up in plastic. It was his April Playboy. He tore off the plastic to reveal Bruno Mars on the cover. Seth was going to maintain his subscription as long as Mr. Hefner was alive, but now he’s not so sure he’s going to remain a subscriber.
25:01 – Jonathan has had erections at inopportune times, not triggered necessarily by external events. Sometimes they’re just random.
26:39 – Seth was stoked to see the April 2012 Los Angeles Magazine, which featured an article about podcasts and featured Uhh Yeah Dude. He read this on a newsstand in Larchmont today, when he saw Peter – the Irish guy from TMZ, looking for celebrities. The headline read “The Banter Buddies: Uhh Yeah Dude.”
50:25 – Seth finally got a letter in March 2012 from Harold Camping, president of Family Radio, who promised that the world was going to end. He humbly acknowledged that he was wrong.
52:05 – Seth got some mailbox money from a movie he made with Jonathan’s father – McBride: Anybody Here Murder Marty?. It was $25.
52:34 – Seth and Jonathan both needed to get new tires recently. Seth can get new tires from Mexicali Tires on Hillhurst for $40 for two used tires. Jonathan got quoted $1,300 for four tires, not including balancing and putting them on. Seth read an article about rent-to-own or layaway tires.
58:44 – When Seth was in Larchmont reading about himself in Los Angeles Magazine, four students from The Marlboro School – a high-end ladies’ Catholic school – walked by and scoffed at magazines and the people who still read them. Seth was crestfallen.
1:07:25 – Jonathan is sorry to report that he no longer has a cell phone. It’s no longer active. Seth wonders about the first episode in which he gave his number out (Episode 084, 2:15).
1:08:44 – Jonathan sat at a T-Mobile brainwash party talking to a girl there. He wanted to ask her about possible partnership ideas of getting free phones so he could give T-Mobile a plug.
1:09:45 – Jonathan still can’t get onto his Facebook page.
1:10:52 – Seth has been trying to keep it real ever since he had that Chevy Cheyenne and the angels ripped it out of his hands. It got stuck in an Armenian body shop and they tried to charge him $1,000 because he left it there for two days. And he left his Guns N Roses 1987 Live at the Paradise concert in the tape deck (Episode 061, 56:23). Seth has only lost 3 things in his life. He lost his Red Sox hat at Lollapalooza in the pit. He lost his GNR tape, and then, after taking 2 vicodin and seeing The Perfect Storm at Mann’s Chinese and he left his umbrella in Mann’s Chinese Theater.
20:15 – Seth got a nice call from some high school students in Colorado. It’s good for him to know the youth are checking in.
32:42 – Jonathan has a dog named Bones. He was at a barbecue in the back courtyard of Jonathan’s place with some friends, and there was a grotty wire brush there caked on with nasty shit, but they used it on the grill nonetheless. Later that evening he noticed that Beans was gnawing on the brush, and Jonathan freaked out on her.
34:12 – Jonathan’s friend has a phobia that he has never heard of anyone else having. When he was a kid he was drinking out of a glass Mexican soda bottle, drank the majority of it and put it down, and his dad noticed it had shattered glass sitting in the bottom of it. Since then he has had a shattered glass issue even if it’s around.
40:17 – Seth went to see The Beach, Leonardo DiCaprio’s first movie following Titanic, at Grauman’s Chinese Theater with his friend John Buckley. They ran into some of John’s friends who were coming out of an earlier viewing and said the movie sucked. When Seth asked the ticket-taker why there was nobody there, he said, “They no like Leo.” (Episode 126, 24:27 and Episode 137, 38:55)
41:22 – The last Leonardo DiCaprio movie Jonathan saw was The Departed.
47:02 – Jonathan picks garbage up. He feels guilty for throwing out his cigarette butts, so he picks it up on a regular basis. The only problem is he takes it into his home and tosses it on his floor.
48:09 – All of Jonathan’s family suffer from allergies – everyone but him.
50:51 – Seth remembers the first time he saw HBO. He was crying and couldn’t believe it. He had a slanted silver remote with four vertical buttons on it. You had to apply some good thumb strength.
59:58 – The greatest year in Seth’s life was age 12 when he was at Hunkin Middle School (Episode 078, 44:01). Jonathan said one of the roughest years of his life was when he was 33. When Seth was 33 he was just in the beginning stages of UYD, circa September 2006.
1:06:05 – Seth sees quarter pounder boxes everywhere. Jonathan often sees dudes at stoplights who just drop their McDonald’s bag or whatever out the driver’s-side window on the ground.
6:28 – Seth picked up some trash this morning. He picked up one coffee cup to do his part. Jonathan claims he didn’t do very well this week.
15:58 – Jonathan used to see people all the time who kind-of recognized his father. People would see other people getting photos and autographs from him because he was famous, then they would come up and do it because they thought they should too.
16:51 – Jonathan tries to remember the celebrity autographs he’s been excited to get in his life. He can only think of being excited about Ozzy Osbourne and Belinda Carlisle’s autographs.
56:17 – As an only child, Seth has an odd view of how the whole family dynamic goes down. He could just go sit in the corner of his Dungarees and do whatever.
58:12 – Jonathan’s parents were very in love and are still together. He says he was very lucky. His vantage point is messed up because he grew up in an environment where that was not the norm. The other couples he saw together hated each other.
7:02 – Seth got a Groupon for Coney Dog on Sunset and went and had a shitty veggie dog and a Stewart’s orange soda and sat at the bar miserably.
7:24 – Jonathan has an issue with using coupons and promotions because he feels so chinsy using them.
31:19 – Jonathan is getting to the point where he kind of wants to have kids. The feeling has grown inside of him more in the past few years. He’s in a race with himself because he doesn’t want to be a crazy old dad at his son’s graduation. Jonathan wonders when the time will be for him, and Seth thinks within the year.
44:14 – Jonathan is surprised he wasn’t molested more times as a kid. Seth was a gregarious child that ran buck wild all the time, and he wonders if he repressed some sick memories of rape because it seems unlikely that he didn’t get touched either.
1:11:37 – Every time Seth is on a telephone, someone tells him about someone they know who has cancer.
3:07 – Jonathan reveals to Seth that he shit his guts out due to food poisoning. He went to Guatemala and managed to get through that entire trip without getting any sickness whatsoever. He arrived back in LA and ate a breakfast burrito at Tacos Por Favor and got the death in him. That’s a feeling that’s unlike many other feelings. People keep telling Jonathan he looks like he lost weight, which he’ll take.
4:32 – Seth recalls the wonderful month when Los Angeles Magazine celebrated their podcast for their hard work (Episode 316, 26:39). Seth carried the issue around with him everywhere he went and it got him nowhere. He was at the newsstand this week and the May issue was on the newsstand, and he was disheartened because May 2012 featured “52 Great Weekends.” No. 1 was Abiquiu, N.M., and it mentions Georgia O’Keefe living there. It mentions nothing of Seth’s Y2K expedition to get away from it all (Episode 052, 19:48; Episode 075, 41:24; Episode 133, 11:37; Episode 190, 1:03:08; Episode 250, 19:38; and Episode 252, 51:52). When Seth was in Abiquiu, he went to Bode’s General Store and ran into Shirley MacLaine covered in turquoise. Seth was there with Bobby Bukowski, John Buckley, Shirley, maybe Peter Fonda and a handful of locals. He went there for the sole purpose of wanting to be safe in a river valley surrounded by mesas.
40:03 – Jonathan admits that he boosts shit from grocery stores in self checkout lanes. He just pockets stuff like packs of gum, which he believes should be free anyway.
46:18 – Jonathan screamed at a lady today because he was mad at her. She’s his neighbor, someone he sees almost every day. He swore at her a lot and J-dawg believes she recognized him. He yelled “Fuck off!” at her when he was already 20 feet away, but he maintains he didn’t call her a “bitch” or any other names. He was upset because she claims that his dog snuck over to their property and shit, and she stepped in it somehow. Jonathan maintains that no one should ever step in shit unless they’re a major tool. Jonathan was never confronted about it, except from Dimitri’s mom. The day after Jonathan returned from Guatemala, Dimitri’s mom told him and D that she walked up to her with a bag of shit. Jonathan claimed his dogs hadn’t been there for seven days since he had been out of town. His dog only sneaks over there because he finds petrified cat shit in a field and eats it. This lady is always up in people’s business and writes people’s names down and everything. Jonathan walks by and sees her while she’s sunning herself on two chairs, and Jonathan took his dogs off their leash and they ran over to her. She said to him, “I heard you were moving out.” Jonathan says the only way she’s gotten that information is from this situation through speaking to Dimitri’s mom. He says, “yeah yeah.” She asks where he’s going, and he replies, maybe New York and Toronto and back here, maybe to move downtown. She then says, “When’s your last day?” Jonathan turns and walks over and stands over her, and says “You know what, I don’t even wanna fuckin’ hear this from you. You don’t have anything to say to me because you didn’t confront me about it. You went to somebody else who doesn’t fuckin’ live here. Moreover my dogs were gone for an entire week!” She says “Let me speak!” and he keeps repeating “Fuck off!” while walking away.
1:04:07 – Seth recalls a stripper at Kurt Long’s bachelor party (Episode 252, 47:06) telling him that he smelled good and had a perfectly symmetrical face, and that made him feel good about himself.
1:11:03 – Jonathan traveled via tourism shuttles in Guatemala. The chicken buses are all locals and you’re crammed in among people and livestock. They’re awesomely painted and insane. Jonathan thinks it would be stupid to rob one of those because they don’t have shit, but the shuttle buses are filled with white tourists.
1:16:39 – Seth tried to hand copies of Los Angeles magazine to tourists on TMZ buses to try to spread the word about UYD to everyone. One square wouldn’t take the copy, but his wife was all excited and told him to take it. By the time he took it, Seth was yelling at him and whipping it at him.
28:08 – Jonathan last rented a video in 2002. He last ate a Fig Newton in 2008. He has definitely eaten a Fig Newton more recently than he has eaten Miracle Whip. He’s not sure if he’s ever eaten Miracle Whip.
35:13 – Every time Seth is in line at a supermarket, he’s behind a person who needs to sign up for a club card. The last time Jonathan was there, the bag guy told J-dawg that his number was 123-4567. Jonathan immediately thought about grifting him.
36:05 – Jonathan’s dad is a Pepsi person, and Jonathan didn’t know this until later on in life.
47:53 – For Jonathan, there was a brief moment in his late 20s and early 30s where he sort of came up for air and absorbed what was happening to the world and to him, and then evaluates the choices he’s made and where those are at that scope of the world. He had the perspective to see where he was and then see where he was going, and then was sucked back into it. But it changed everything.
50:33 – Seth evaluates whether he needs a tattoo. Jonathan was trying to convince his friend Amir that he should go and get a tasteful facial tattoo. Seth thinks this is a bad idea because he’s too classically handsome.
52:57 – Seth has never been to a Waffle House, but Jonathan has. Seth has been to a Hometown Buffet and he drove pretty far to get there when they had a chicken wing night.
1:08:18 – Jonathan is still waiting for his Yuengling to arrive. Listener Chris is sending a 6-pack his way, but J-dawg thinks it’s sad that the only one offering to do that is a priest.
35:28 – Seth asks Jonathan how many switchblades he has on him right now. Jonathan says he is not at liberty to say, but he has one that includes a LED light on it.